"I'm pregnant again."
"That's good."
I could only talk to him at night, and it was like talking to a brick wall.
"I'm afraid of losing the baby... I'd like to take it slower."
He remained silent, didn't hit me. I no longer used the same tone as before; I was almost 15, tougher, and five months pregnant when Izua began taking care of his son. He would sit on the sofa, Amaiera in his arms, curling up against him.
"Couldn't you have given him a less ungrateful name?"
"It was the name of my great-great-uncle. An influential man loved by all."
He paused on what I had just said and turned away, his eyes narrowed. I didn't know what he knew, but I suspected that Zaila Amaiera's story hadn't gone unnoticed.
People knew him as the angel Zaila, the great preacher. However, he was seen as a heretic when he began to divulge far-reaching prophecies concerning the royal family and their tragic fate. He was beheaded in the public square... no one supported his death; even the executioner had to be replaced at the last minute. Naturally, the royal family's power was considerably weakened, to the point of becoming embroiled in various controversies and causing coups d'état, even provoking external wars... He wasn't considered a Beste because he was only my great-grandfather's younger brother, so he didn't have direct power over the lineage
"So that's it...you named him after the man who started this damn tyranny. And you think you're clever?"
Izua would put our son on the sofa and get up to punish me...I didn't think it was that bad. I just wanted...to be able to remember that I was capable of doing this...
I...I could never be perfect, I'm incapable of it. Everything hurts...my heart, my head, my body...
"Undress completely, woman."
I had forgotten, the pain of his blows mixed with the pain of marital intercourse...
I was covered in bruises, my lip was bleeding, my breasts were scraped by his nails...
I was in pain...so much pain...I was covered in bruises and scratches. My body was so sore that I couldn't lift it off the floor for several minutes. Izua had taken Amaiera away, no longer wanting me to care for her. He thought I wanted to curse our child...that wasn't the case at all. I couldn't understand what madness could possess him to believe I would curse the child who had made me suffer for nine months.
My nose was bleeding...it wouldn't stop. I picked up the pieces of the cups on the table that had shattered when they fell as he pushed me against them
I must have looked so miserable. Stripped of my clothes and my child... When I lowered my head, I thought of that child inside me who must have suffered from my fall earlier...
It wasn't my own pain I was crying about, but what I was doing to this being who hadn't asked to be carried by this fragile center. Blood was spreading between my legs...ah...it hurt like hell...
"The child is still alive but in danger. You should stop beating your wife for a while if you don't want to lose it. She must stay in bed, otherwise the amniotic sac could rupture and it could be born prematurely. It will most likely be born between 6 and 8 months; the best thing is to prolong the pregnancy as much as possible, otherwise it will die at birth."
"We might as well get rid of it now and have another one."
"It's dangerous for the mother too; don't play with life, Count. Nature is a bitch; it takes everything in its path."
I lay staring at the ceiling, a painful lump at the corner of my lip... The doctor had also treated the wounds my husband had inflicted, but they still hurt.
He certainly didn't want to entrust my baby to me anymore, but...how else did he intend to feed it?
He eventually gave it back because he was crying from hunger nonstop. He still stayed in front of me while I fed him with my bruised body from his hand.
"I love this baby, I won't do anything to him."
"I don't trust you at all. Women are the most vile creatures on this Earth. God only created them to challenge us, that's all."
I remained silent while he ate, but unable to bear the oppressive silence, I asked with a tired face:
"What kind of woman do you like? I can't obey like a dog, nor can I be killed and eaten like a pig, what do you want? Do you want a cow? Cows don't do housework."
He remained silent, unable to hit me right after receiving the doctor's diagnosis.
"This child will be born weak, at least if it doesn't die first...and you can't say that's my fault. I'm carrying a child, I have to do it the same way as everyone else...the only variable here is the treatment you give me. My parents would be turning in their graves if they saw the Beste heiress in such a pitiful state."
"Shut up, I wouldn't hesitate to end your life, by God, if you so desire."
"I suppose you must find your way of acting honorable. You're no different from the tyrant you serve, Izua."
He pulled my hair before leaving abruptly. I had spoken very calmly and gently, but at least... I had spoken. I had said what I thought for the first time. I had used the excuse of the child to get away with it, but I didn't know if, even under the blows, I could stand up to him. What was certain was that he would not have Amaiera, never. I saw his face, I saw his soul; he is the reflection of the one I never wanted to meet, and yet I created him.
I no longer did anything around the house. Even though he threatened to kill me and the baby, it must still have frightened him that I would have a miscarriage.
He also let me take care of Amaiera as I pleased and slept in his office at night. I hardly ever saw him anymore, and that wasn't so bad
I thought this way of life would last a long time, that I could take care of Amaiera for as long as I could, but I started bleeding again in the night on a rainy day, after I had that dream of a completely red painted canvas.
Luckily, I was nearing the end of my seventh month of pregnancy; having gone two months without any significant physical exertion, I had been able to keep it in my womb a little longer.
Seeing this pool of blood and my acute pain, he took his key ring and left the room.
"Where are you going...? Ugh..."
"I'm going to get the doctor."
"N-No... I don't want to be alone."
10,915
He gave me one last look before leaving the room. Amaiera was sleeping next to me and I... I was in so much pain. I was holding back from screaming so as not to wake and frighten him, but it was difficult. Even during my first delivery, I hadn't been in this much pain; I couldn't move a finger without feeling intense pain throughout my entire body.
I hadn't expected it to be a premature birth, and yet it was. As soon as I felt the head, I did my best... I was really panicked until his head emerged from my body and he started to cry. I quickly caught him and wrapped him in my sheet while waiting to expel the rest.
"He... he's crying... oh my god... thank you..."
He was smaller, more frail than Amaiera. He was scrawny, skin and bones, and his cries seemed more irregular. My stomach ached, but I think it was the adrenaline of knowing he was alright that kept me going.
"Give me the child quickly! Go and get some clean sheets, Count!"
The moment I left him in the doctor's arms, my head hit the back of my head and I fell straight down, bleeding out. I hadn't thought death would be so peaceful. I truly thought I was living my last moments, but...
"She would have died if you hadn't come for me."
"They are both perfectly fine."
"The child, yes, there doesn't seem to be anything wrong. I think having a third child would be risky, though, perhaps even complicated. Her body has been damaged; receiving another child might be difficult. Her body is frail, she is noble, and you know that very well."
What does nobility have to do with this...? Well, I'm not going to complain. My husband getting scolded by a doctor is the best thing that's happened to me so far...
My stomach hurts terribly...save me...
Ah...could I still have children? I think he mentioned it, but I...I don't feel very well.
I remained in this state of passive unconsciousness for several days. I didn't know how to wake up, I couldn't...I had no energy left...
"Shh. He's your little brother, he's fragile, so don't touch him. If I ever see you two fighting, you're the one I'll put in the corner. You're the older one, you have to take responsibility."
I opened my eyes to the sound of that hateful voice that always started shouting, and yet when I looked at him, I saw a man with these two babies in his arms, patiently waiting for me to come and save them. Thankfully, neither of them was crying...he could be gentle when he wanted to be, though never with me. I sat up with difficulty from my bed, desperate to see how my sons were.
He looked at me and only handed me the youngest, whom I had to feed more quickly than the other.
"I think you should choose his name this time..."
"I wanted to call him Euria. Is that okay with you?"
"Why ask my opinion? I'm just an animal without feelings."
He left Amaiera, who was demanding to nurse after seeing her brother do so, and left the room
I stared at the half-open door for a long time, wondering what he was thinking when he chose my father's name for our second child. It wasn't possible he didn't know Captain Euria Beste, he himself having been a great knight...so... That year, I turned sixteen when the unexpected happened: a servant girl knocked on my door, probably some poor girl from the village who wanted to feed her family, but...it was something. Izua pushed me away when I tried to reach her and took the bundle from my hair, throwing it to the ground.
"She'll help you. That doesn't mean you have to do nothing all day. If I see you handing out your work to her, I'll beat you both."