The forest smelled like wet leaves, magic residue, and desperation. Takeru trudged along a muddy path, mana lingering at a precarious 64%, dagger strapped to his back, mud-streaked face, and an attitude hovering somewhere between "I hate this" and "please stop."
He glanced at the sky. His classmates were gone. Each team had split off into their assigned paths—Air Dragon hunters north, Earth Dragon stragglers east, Water Dragon crew south. He was alone.
> Advisory: Class-wide coordination has fractured. Probability of survival is moderate at best.
"Yeah, I'm aware," he muttered.
> Advisory: Tone detected: sarcastic. Probability of annoyance high.
"Thanks for that, asshole."
The interface blinked aggressively. Something new popped up.
A small, obnoxious-looking envelope icon hovered in front of him. A notification:
> SYSTEM EMAIL RECEIVED. CLICK TO OPEN.
Takeru groaned. "What now?"
He tapped it. The screen warped. Options appeared: OPEN or DECLINE.
He clicked DECLINE.
Immediately, the interface exploded with jagged red letters:
> FUCK YOU!
Not the normal system voice. Not polite. Not sarcastic. Not even vaguely procedural. This was yelling. Literal capital letters, animated, bouncing angrily on the screen.
Takeru blinked. "Oh, for fuck's sake."
> Advisory: Objection noted. Proceeding to aggressive escalation.
Before he could register what was happening, the air shimmered like a poorly rendered cartoon. Out of nowhere, a character literally straight out of a slapstick animation materialized.
It had rubbery limbs, exaggerated fists, eyes that looked like googly balls, and a grin stretching wider than humanly possible. Its voice was deep, nasal, and dripping with insult.
"HEY! You! FFFF20 walking mud puddle!" it yelled, bouncing on one leg. "You think declining mail stops me? FUCK NO, ASSHOLE!"
Before Takeru could react, the cartoon jabbed him hard in the stomach. The impact made a cartoonish BOING sound, and he flew backward, landing in a puddle of mud.
> Advisory: Physical attack detected. Effect: embarrassment and mild pain.
"WHAT THE FUCK?!" Takeru yelled, struggling to sit up.
"YOU HEAR ME? YOU SUCK! YOUR HAIR IS STUPID! YOUR GLASSES ARE STUPID! AND YOUR FINGERS? FUCKING USELESS!" The cartoon spun, flailing its limbs in a chaotic dance, then kicked a small tree, which fell over with a CRASH, narrowly missing Takeru.
> Advisory: Aggressive NPC behavior is documented as canonically ridiculous.
"You're—what the fuck are you?!" Takeru shouted, wiping mud from his face.
"I'M YOUR NEW BEST NIGHTMARE, YOU DUMB FUCKING TOON-LOVER!" The character's arms stretched impossibly, pulling a cartoonishly large fist back, and punched the air again, narrowly missing Takeru but sending a shockwave that rattled the trees.
> Advisory: Target dodging sub-optimal. Avoid screaming.
"I'M NOT YOUR FUCKING TOY!"
> Advisory: Accuracy confirmed. Personal rage noted.
The toon character laughed manically, bouncing in place. "Oh, you're so slow! FFFF20, rank-bottom dipshit! You're like… the leftover bits of a failed RPG tutorial! HAHAHAHAHA!"
Takeru groaned. He'd fought dragons. He'd survived nearly dying from running out of mana. But apparently, cartoon characters with no narrative sense were worse.
> Advisory: Psychological stress: high. Humor threshold: exceeded.
He rolled to the side. "Can I just… walk away?"
"NO! YOU'RE MY FUCKING PROBLEM NOW!" The character leaped, landing on a tree branch that flexed ridiculously, then stomped onto the ground next to Takeru. "HEY! YOU GOTTA LISTEN TO ME, YOU MUD-ASS, SHIT-HANDED SCRUB!"
Takeru scrambled to his feet. "You're—fuck—holy shit, you're stupid!"
The cartoon grinned. "THANK YOU! I TRY HARD TO BE OFFENSIVE! I'M ALSO REALLY, REALLY SEXY! CHECK OUT MY GOOLY EYES, BABY!" It wagged its cartoon tongue. "NOW WALK WITH ME!"
> Advisory: Character behavior inconsistent. High probability of irritation.
Takeru groaned. "Why the hell am I doing this?"
The toon spun in place, twirling its rubbery limbs. "BECAUSE YOU'RE ALONE, FFFF20! ALL YOUR FRIENDS LEFT YOUR ASS BEHIND! HAHAHA! LET'S GO! WALK AIMLESSLY THROUGH THE FOREST LIKE THE PATHETIC MUD-FETISHING SCRUB YOU ARE!"
Takeru muttered, "I should have died with the dragons."
> Advisory: Morale low. Survival instincts active.
As they wandered, the trees blurred around them. Every step the toon took produced a squeaky boing, every punch the air made a wham sound. Takeru's mud-covered boots slipped repeatedly on wet roots.
"HEY! WATCH IT, FFFF20!" the toon yelled as he tripped over a root. "YOU THINK YOU'RE CLEVER? NOPE! YOU'RE DUMB! DUMB! DUMB! I BET YOU SPANK YOURSELF WITH MUD LOLLIPOPS, DON'T YOU?"
> Advisory: Statements are false but emotionally taxing.
Takeru slammed his fist into a tree. "Shut the fuck up!"
The toon bounced backward, flipping in the air. "OH! YOU THINK YOU CAN TALK TO ME LIKE THAT? I'M THE SYSTEM'S FUCKING FUNNY BONE, YOU PATHETIC SCRUB! NOW WALK AIMLESSLY SOME MORE!"
They wandered for hours—or maybe minutes; time felt broken here.
Eventually, Takeru realized they were approaching a small clearing. There, staggered and looking exhausted, was a weak girl with disheveled hair. Her interface glowed faintly—CCC3 rank.
> Advisory: New team member detected. Rank slightly higher than FFFF20. Personality: likely frail.
She looked at him, eyes wide. "I… I'm supposed to follow someone?"
Takeru's system blinked aggressively.
> Advisory: You are now officially a team leader of sorts.
Recommendation: Do not die immediately.
The toon bounced between them. "OH BOY! A NEW DUMBASS ON YOUR TEAM! HAHAHA! YOU TWO ARE GONNA DIE! OR WORSE—MAKE EACH OTHER FEEL STUPID! FUN! LET'S GO, WALK THROUGH THE FOREST! AIMLESSLY!"
Takeru groaned so hard his jaw nearly dislocated. "Fuck me."
> Advisory: Acceptable response.
Tone: proper despair.
The girl stepped close. "Uh… are you strong?"
Takeru held up his hands. Mud, cuts, and the faint blue glow of mana-limited hands.
> Advisory: Lie detection unnecessary. Honesty will get you killed.
"Strong? Hah… I'm the worst FFFF20 you'll ever see, but yeah… I survive."
The toon character jumped onto a low branch. "YEAH! SURVIVAL! THAT'S YOUR BIG FUCKING SKILL! CONGRATULATIONS, YOU PATHETIC LITTLE SHITS! NOW WALK AIMLESSLY AND WASTE TIME!"
> Advisory: Motivational content: questionable.
Takeru glared at the cartoon. "You're the biggest dick I've ever met."
> Advisory: Accurate.
The toon winked exaggeratedly. "THANK YOU! I TRY! HAHAHAHA! NOW, LET'S GO! FOREST! AIMLESSNESS! EMBARRASSMENT!"
And with that, the trio—Takeru, the CCC3 girl, and the ridiculous toon menace—wandered into the forest, kicking up mud, tripping over roots, and arguing with a system that had officially lost all professional boundaries.
> Advisory: Group survival probability: minimal.
Enjoyment factor: maximum for bystanders.
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