Chapter 1:
Her adolescence did not arrive with celebration or ceremony it arrived quietly like an intruder that did not knock first one day she was still a child moving freely through the world without fear and the next she felt watched measured corrected and contained she did not understand what had changed at first only that something had shifted in the way people looked at her in the way voices softened or sharpened when they spoke to her in the way rules appeared where there had been none she was thirteen when awareness settled into her body and made itself permanent
Before that age she had existed without calculation she laughed loudly ran without thinking and spoke without rehearsing her words she did not consider how much space she occupied or whether her presence was inconvenient but adolescence demanded negotiation it taught her that her body was no longer neutral and that visibility carried consequences she learned this not through explanation but through reaction through warnings that arrived wrapped in concern and instructions that sounded like love but felt like fear
Do not sit like that do not laugh so loudly do not walk alone do not stay out late do not trust too easily every rule carried the same unspoken truth that danger had found her and that survival would require obedience she was not told that the world was unsafe she was told that she must become smaller inside it the responsibility was placed gently but firmly on her shoulders and she accepted it without protest because questioning felt dangerous
School which had once been a place of curiosity became a place of restraint she loved learning she loved answering questions and discovering new ideas but her enthusiasm began to attract attention she did not understand teachers praised her intelligence then advised her to be modest classmates rolled their eyes when she spoke confidently girls whispered that she was trying too hard boys laughed when she outperformed them excellence became something she needed to dilute in order to be liked she learned to measure her intelligence to offer just enough to be acceptable but not enough to be threatening
Her body changed without her permission and with every change came commentary people spoke about her as though she was not present relatives made jokes about her shape strangers stared classmates whispered and each remark taught her the same lesson that her body no longer belonged solely to her it had become public property something to be evaluated discussed and judged she felt exposed even when fully covered watched even when alone mirrors became enemies because they reflected something unfamiliar something that attracted attention she did not want and could not escape
Fear did not arrive in a single moment it seeped into her daily life until it felt normal she learned which roads were unsafe which times were dangerous which smiles carried threat her body responded instinctively before her mind could understand her chest tightened her steps quickened and she learned to trust fear even when she could not explain it she blamed herself when fear appeared blaming her clothes her route her existence because that was easier than accepting that danger did not require invitation
At home love was present but protection was incomplete her mother warned her constantly not because she wanted to limit her but because fear had been inherited passed down through generations of women who had survived by shrinking stories filled the house stories of good women women who endured women who sacrificed women who stayed quiet for the sake of peace no one told stories of women who chose themselves no one described happiness as something women were allowed to pursue freely she absorbed these lessons unconsciously and they shaped her more than any rule ever could
She learned silence before she learned desire she learned shame before curiosity she learned consequences before choice when things hurt she swallowed it when anger rose she softened it when she wanted more she buried it adolescence taught her that pain was expected but complaint was unacceptable and so she became skilled at pretending nothing touched her even when everything did her suffering was ordinary and that terrified her because ordinary pain is invisible people reserve sympathy for dramatic wounds not slow erosion
Friendships became complicated terrain girls competed without knowing why kindness was rationed and insecurity spread quietly they were all learning the same lesson that there was limited space for them to shine that approval was scarce and comparison unavoidable she wanted to be loyal but loyalty required vulnerability and vulnerability felt unsafe she watched girls turn against one another not out of cruelty but survival and she learned to protect herself by keeping parts of her hidden
Dreams came to her at night vivid and alive she dreamed of becoming someone important someone whose voice mattered someone whose presence carried weight but daylight crushed those dreams under laughter and dismissal people smiled when she spoke of ambition not cruelly but indulgently as though dreaming was a childish habit she would eventually abandon she learned to laugh at herself first because it hurt less than being laughed at she learned to fold her aspirations into something small and quiet something that would not attract attention
The first time fear had a face it was not violent it was subtle a look that lingered too long a presence that felt invasive her body understood before her mind could react her heart raced her instincts screamed and she left without knowing how to explain why afterward she felt smaller like something had been taken without permission she told no one because there was nothing concrete to describe no bruise no witness no proof only a feeling that would not leave her and because it was invisible she dismissed it even to herself
After that vigilance became her natural state she scanned rooms instinctively measured risk and read tone hyperawareness became second nature exhaustion followed but rest was never offered adolescence trained her to be alert not at peace she began to understand that safety was conditional and temporary and that comfort was a luxury not meant for girls like her
As expectations multiplied contradictions followed she was expected to excel but not intimidate to be attractive but not vain to be strong but not threatening no matter what she chose it was wrong someone always disapproved someone always demanded less of her she learned to bend herself into shapes that pleased others until she barely recognized her own edges
She wondered often who she might have been in a kinder world who she could have grown into if fear had not been her primary teacher grief for that unknown version of herself lingered quietly because no one mourns potential lost to silence no one consoles a girl for who she was never allowed to become
By the end of that first stage of adolescence she had learned how to shrink without disappearing entirely she smiled when expected nodded when dismissed and carried her dreams like fragile contraband hidden deep inside where the world could not confiscate them she survived but survival demanded compromise and compromise left scars she did not yet know how to heal
This was how her dark path began not with tragedy not with spectacle but with quiet lessons repeated daily until they became truth she did not yet know how far the path would stretch or how heavy the weight would become only that she had learned early that being a woman meant learning to endure long before being allowed to live