It was late in the morning when I arrived at the memorial park. Yet, the sun wasn't shining like it used to…
Dark clouds replaced the sunlight, like the light of my life that had been replaced by this Black Dress—the one he said looked good on me.
Every step I took against the slate path, the clouds rumbled. It was so chaotic, yet it harmonized with this heart that had almost forgotten how to beat normally.
My hands were trembling, carrying the regrets of the past and a bouquet of flowers—the flowers I said I'd give to him on Valentine's Day... the day that never came.
A red tulip and blue forget-me-nots.
A symbol of eternal love…
Yet, a love we never had the chance to share.
Maybe he was right, as he always said:
"The first time a man ever receives a flower is at his funeral..."
Maybe I was too late. I was never at your funeral… I didn't have the chance to even say goodbye to you.
But I was stubborn!
I know it was never too late, and it will never be too late.
For this love of mine will be yours eternally.
As I stood in front of your gravestone, I wondered.
Why didn't you even give me the chance to be your lover?
Is there something wrong with me?
Am I not beautiful?
Am I not smart enough?
Am I not worthy of your love?
Or…
Is this just one of your "pretends" and "acts" which hides the true you?
"Tell me!"
Now, I just hope that the skies start to rain.
Looking up into the dark clouds, I couldn't help but ask.
"Are you there, watching me... laughing? Or... are you just like me, unable to see me now because of that black sky blocking your vision?"
It was just a moment when I felt my cheeks becoming hot and wet. My vision was blurry, yet the picture of you smiling was still clear in my head.
It's funny… it wasn't raining yet.
"You're a good one, aren't you? Mr. Great Pretender."
I laughed, hoping that this cramped gut from laughing was the source of these tears.
When suddenly my knees went weak. Am I also acting these out? To have the chance to stumble on top of your gravestone, crying out loud?
Why?
"Why?!"
The flowers in my hand were flying—red tulips and blue forget-me-nots scrambling in the air as I smashed the bouquet against your gravestone, hoping it was your laughing face.
Smash!
Smash!
Smash!
Until all of it was gone—scattered around your grave.
I panted, then cried... then laughed! What the hell am I supposed to do when you're gone?!
"Didn't you say you'd rather live eternally and watch the skies forever? Why are you down there now?!"
"Why?"
I lay on the grave, desperately reaching for the scattered petals, trying to fix what I broke once more.
My fingers clawed at the dirt, the damp earth wedging under my nails as I tried to piece the red and blue back together.
Then the rain started to fall…
At last, the heavens answered my call.
At least now, I could hide the grief you left with me.
Or could I?
The sky opened up, and the smell of wet stone and rising dust filled my lungs.
Like a madwoman sitting on your grave while laughing, I felt the weight of my dress triple as it soaked up the downpour.
Even the black silk couldn't escape the mud that consumed you… the hem was heavy, brown, and slick, dragging against the grass like a leaden anchor.
"Yeah, you're right. I'm mad... madly in love with you."
I leaned my forehead against the cold, wet granite, listening to the rhythmic tap-tap-tap of the droplets.
My dress was a sodden mess, sticking to my skin, mirroring the way my heart was stuck in this moment, in this dirt, with you…
As I weakly cried over your grave... the rain suddenly stopped hitting my back.
No, it didn't stop…
The world was still gray and loud, but the water had ceased to touch me.
An umbrella loomed over me, a dark canopy cutting through the mist.
Then a voice—soft and gentle—spoke.
"He loved you too."