Deadpool was currently wearing a blonde spiky wig over his mask and had a giant cardboard sword taped to his back. He was vibrating with so much excitement he was literally blurring into a pink smudge.
"tum, do you hear that sound?! That's the sound of a million internet servers crashing at once!" Deadpool screamed, nearly swallowing his microphone. "We are in Ring 5! The 'Big Three' blood-feud is finally getting settled! It's the Battle of the Orange Jumpsuit vs. The Black Kimono! It's the Ramen-eater vs. The Strawberry! Grab your headbands, tum, it's about to get emotional!"
Ring 5 was a strange mix of a traditional Japanese village and a spirit-realm graveyard. Petals from cherry blossoms were falling, but they were glowing with blue spiritual energy.
Heimdall was hiding behind a reinforced plexiglass shield. "Match Number Nine! The Hero of the Hidden Leaf, Naruto Uzumaki! Versus the Protector of Karakura Town, Ichigo Kurosaki!"
The Talk-no-Jutsu Opening
Naruto stood in his full Hokage cloak, his orange eyes glowing with Six Paths Sage Mode. A massive, golden spectral fox—Kurama—manifested behind him, yawning.
"Look, Ichigo-kun," Naruto said, rubbing the back of his head and smiling. "I don't really want to fight you. We both have kids, we both saved the world like ten times... why don't we just go grab some miso ramen? I'm buying, tum—wait, no, I'm buying, Ichigo!"
Ichigo stood across from him, holding his two black blades—the True Zangetsu. He looked exhausted, like he hadn't slept since 2012. He sighed, shifting his stance.
"Naruto... I've been in this tournament for twenty minutes and I've already seen a vampire eat a god and a sailor cut a fist with scissors," Ichigo muttered. "I just want to go home and make sure my son isn't breaking the house. But if I don't win, the announcer said I have to stay here and watch 'filler episodes' for eternity. So... sorry."
The Clash of Colors
Naruto sighed. "Fine. But don't say I didn't try to be friends!"
Naruto lunged. "Sovereign Shuriken: Massive Rasenshuriken!" Two giant, spinning wind-blades made of lava and wind energy screamed through the air, vibrating the very atoms of the ring.
Ichigo didn't flinch. He crossed his swords, his black and white energy swirling into a terrifying vortex.
"Getsuga... JUUISHO!"
A massive cross-shaped blast of black energy collided with the Rasenshurikens. The explosion was so bright that Deadpool had to put on three pairs of sunglasses. The entire ring vanished into a white void of pure power.
The Plot Twist
Up in the booth, Deadpool was commentating at 400 words per minute. "It's a stalemate, tum! The Fox-Spirit energy is grinding against the Soul-Reaper energy! Wait... what is Naruto doing? He's putting his hands together! Is it a new jutsu?! Is it the 10th Tail?!"
Down in the smoke, Naruto wasn't charging a beam. He was looking at Ichigo with very "sad, puppy-dog" eyes.
"Ichigo... I know your pain," Naruto whispered, his voice echoing through the arena. "I know what it's like to have a hollow inside you. I know what it's like to have orange hair and be misunderstood by your peers..."
Ichigo froze. His eyes widened. "Wait, are you... are you doing the 'Talk-no-Jutsu' on me right now? Is this a flashback? Why am I seeing a swing set in my mind?!"
Naruto kept talking. "We are the same, Ichigo. We both have cool transformations that change our clothes. We both have theme songs that make us invincible. We don't need to fight."
Ichigo dropped his swords, clutching his head. "Stop it! The emotional weight is too much! I can feel my tragic backstory becoming relevant again! I can't handle another fifty chapters of internal monologue!"
Ichigo dropped to his knees, defeated by the sheer power of Naruto's empathy and a very poorly timed flashback of a lonely swing set.
"Match Nine winner... NARUTO UZUMAKI!" Heimdall shouted, wiping a tear from his own eye. "He wins by... emotional surrender!"
Up in the booth, Deadpool was sobbing into a handkerchief. "That was beautiful, tum! Truly the most powerful jutsu of all! Naruto secures the 9th spot in the Semi-Finals! That's 9 winners down, 42 matches to go!"
The Marathon Continues! Match 10 is here!
We are moving right into the next ring, No breaks for the weary!
Match 10 (Ring 1): Batman vs. Sousuke Aizen. (The man who is always prepared vs. the man who planned your preparation. It's a 4-D Chess match!)
Match 11 (Ring 13): Goku vs. Superman. (The legendary debate. Physical god vs. Alien god.)
Match 12 (Ring 22): Denji vs. Wolverine. (Chainsaws vs. Adamantium. It's going to be loud and messy.)