You sit in your chair disgusted at your own inability. Watching the clouds go by all you can think is "what have i done?" And as you listen closer you can hear her voice aguing with another womans voice, one sterner more mature and less sugarcoated.
The softer voice says "i know he can change mom, i know hes better than this"
A stern voice clashes over "persephone i dont want to fight, hes not the man you thought he was and he never will be"
You lean forward in your chair, lost in thought. You continue to listen to the screams that slowly die down.
Your face shows a raised eyebrow and agaped mouth, pupils dilated and focused staring at the ground.
Overhearing a momentary sentence from a stern irritated voice fading louder for just a second "if he can go just one day then maybe"
Hope glistens over your eyes as you stand up rushing off to your room. You put the tin can on a shelf and turn on the tv to find more interests. Camping, fishing, hunting, music, theres so much that you could do. So what can you do right now?
Thoughts form in your head "I used to box, i was good too. My father was the one who taught me and it holds dearly in my heart. I used to read too, and sing and write, i could also try new things like sewing, i think she would like that? What if i learned how to dress better? I should also start cleaning up my act, the way i talk, and my room if shes going to be listening and hopefully meeting me"
The day feels like eternity as every thought you had, had already been thought of after a minute. Furthermore every moment was spent lying down wondering what you could do. Your eyes kept sneaking glances at your tin can as thoughts began to form, though not in your favor. Thinking "well i can start tomorrow" or "She wont care if i got my act together while smoking" thought kept gilling your head more and more questioning what to do.
Smothering youself in blankets you turn the television on to scroll. Nothing could truly entertain you for long. Even if it did, you wouldn't be able to pay more than 10 minutes worth of attention before scrolling through your phone.
Even if you wanted to talk to the other people you lived with, its not like they wanted to talk to you. Even if they did you dont know how to socialize, a skill not practiced grows rusty. And keeping holed up in your room only left you more and more questions and answers that you were the source of.
So what could you do? To live with yourself, to enjoy the time you spent even if alone. First you must find happiness and peace in solitude.
You move towards the end of your bed where you sit leaning forward, holding your headin your palms. "I need to change my life" flickers in your head. Its not much, still the beginning to a better life is better habits, so i can at least exercise.