Tw: This chapter mentions a sensitive topic ( Ed) if you or someone you know is struggling there's help and you are not alone. Enjoy your reading!
( Lucas ★ )
I continued isolating myself... the world felt peaceful but too cold. Too lonely. My brain ran everywhere while my body stayed lifeless, lying on the bed, staring at the ceiling as if my brain was trying to remember the random patterns of it. I sighed loudly, wishing to run, to move. To fly high again, and show her that maybe she didn't kill me internally. But the truth was that she did.... My brain bounced back to Autumn every now and then, but I definitely am in no shape to take care of a child, at least not now. Not while drowning in my own darkness.
My stomach growled with starvation. But my body was heavy, too heavy for me to carry to the kitchen. The same kitchen where I twirled Maria in is now a disturbing memory... reminding me that nothing lasts forever. Not for guys who run through fire and hell for a loved one. The love, late night talks, and dancing in the kitchen are now their thing... A beautiful girl and a brat with money.
I layed on my side, holding my stomach... The room felt darker than usual. I looked at my coat hanging on the hanger beside the door. It's been there for almost 3 weeks, ever since the breakup. I reached for my phone from the stand, too many messages, too many notifications but it all can wait. It's probably not important anyway... I opened Instagram, scrolled a bit, and right after a few swipes Instagram chose the saddest breakup reels. I sighed as I threw my phone on the bed, sitting cross legged. I didn't know if the app was mocking me or helping me feel less alone. Probably a bit of both.
A hard knock on my apartment echoed through the home. I crossed my fingers, hoping it was anyone except for her. Even though only Maria knew, my address, I still hoped it wasn't her. My phone was filled with texts from her, a mix of apologies and blame even though she was the one who turned off my flame... she stabbed me and still considers my bleeding a scene, as if I was an actor making a sob story.
I walked slowly towards the door, my hand pulling the handle as I cracked it open. A short girl, with curly golden hair stood by the frame carrying a small cage. After peeking I quickly shut the door back as I realised it was Sally. Not because I didn't want her but because she couldn't see me like this. No one can.
" Lucas, please... if you're in there, can you open the door? I'm really worried about you." Her voice shook something in me. Pure concern, not pity, not mocking. Just someone who cares. However, I was surprised by how she found my address. I stood by the door, as if I were a child wondering if this stranger was safe.
I could still pretend I wasn't home, right? Or maybe I didn't look as terrible as I thought? I grabbed my phone out of my pocket, opened the camera, and stared at myself for a few minutes. Dark black circles under my eyes looked back at me, a reminder that I was broken. I huffed before running my fingers through my messy hair. Thinking about what to do next.
She knocked again. " Come on! I know you are in there Lucas, please let me check on you," she chirped before I pouted and opened the door. Sally stood with an encouraging smile and a black kitten in the cage. Our eyes met, we looked at each other the same way two soldiers looked at each other before losing a battle. The quietness of the moment... I took a deep breath letting my body stay composed. After all, this was my first interaction with anyone in a while.
"Hi," she broke the ice. "I brought you a little friend. Oh, wait, are you allergic to cats?" She continued. I forced a small smile, trying to seem okay. "No, no... I love cats. I'm not allergic," The kitten was tiny, barely seeming in the cage, I stepped aside and invited her into the living room. I kept trying to hold on to that smile, forcing myself to seem happy, but I knew Sally could see right through me. It was clear that I was struggling... I was drowning in the shadows and that was obvious to everyone. I still didn't like the picture of me being weak so that smile stayed on my face as if it was my lifeline for light.
We sat down, I patted the kitten gently as we sat together on the sofa. Sally looked at me, her voice soft but full of concern. "You look so pale and tired... Are you okay? And why haven't you been to school lately?" Her words hit me harder than I expected. It was like something inside me finally snapped. I couldn't hold it together... Tears started streaming down my face, and before I knew it, I told her everything about Maria, how she'd betrayed me... how much it hurt. But I didn't go into details, especially about Autumn. I got stabbed once... this time I'm careful. My heart is sealed, maybe forever.
Sally listened quietly, her face was a mixture of shock and empathy as I poured my heart out.... She didn't say much, but I could tell she was as stunned by what Maria did as I was.
Sally looked at me with a warm, comforting smile. "That's so unfair! You know you deserve so much better, right? You're really smart, that's why I chose you for our project. But more than that, Lucas, I'm not just your classmate. I'm your friend. You don't have to deal with everything alone." Her words were gentle, but they only made me feel more vulnerable.
I wiped my nose with the hem of my shirt and took a deep breath. "I'm sorry for missing school," I said, my voice cracking. "I... I was just too stressed out. I didn't want anyone to know what was going on, especially since I don't really have friends. There was no motivation to go, and I thought people would just judge me or not care at all, you know? ...By the way, how did you know where I live?"
Sally's smile didn't change but the spark in her eyes darkened, less happy now. "Hey... don't say you don't have anyone, because you've got me, and now you've got a kitty companion too." She stroked the cat's head. "About the unexpected visit, It's a habit of mine. If a classmate suddenly decides to hide away, I'll check up on them, not caring if we are close or not." I looked at her, raising an eyebrow without realizing.
"Why?" I asked.
She let out a slow exhale, looking at the floor. Her beautiful curls covered a part of her face, her smile dropped slightly. "I don't usually answer this question... I kinda hoped you wouldn't ask it," she paused. "But we are friends, I will tell you... Friends share secrets, and you shared yours" She bit her lip as worry started creeping in.
"I had an older brother in college... His name was William. He had big dreams, and he was such a nice guy. He studied in Germany, but he was all alone there, no friends, no family. And sadly one day, he had a heart attack... and no one realised. For days, we tried to contact him, but it wasn't until a teacher from his college called us that we knew. She was worried because William hadn't shown up to any of his classes, he was one of the best students," She sobbed before resuming. "He never missed a class so that was unusual. That's how we found out he had passed away."
Sally's eyes welled with tears, close enough to have a few roll down her cheeks. I wrapped my arms around her hoping it would somehow help. Maybe make her less alone in her grief. I couldn't help but smile, I mean how could I not when tears filled her face but... Her smile was still on. " I love your smile," I murmured before she pulled away, I crossed my arms over my chest. Her eyes met mine again, and her hand gently rubbed away the tears when the other rested on the cat's fur.
"Thank you for checking up on me, I really appreciate it Sally, it meant a lot,"
"Of course," she hesitated before continuing. "After my brother passed, I learned to always check on people... you never really know if someone has someone to care for them when they fall. Maybe the person on your left has a family, a warm home, and a meal waiting for them... while the person on your right lives in a cold, empty house and eats noodles for dinner."
I lean my head against the couch thinking about her every word. She was right, so right that it hurts. In this life, we learned to fight for ourselves, as if we were back in the Stone Age where people only thought about their next feast... where people killed each other for safety. Maybe our environment has changed, we have phones instead of pigeons to deliver our messages. Our stoves work on electricity and maybe after a few years, we could teleport through our phones.
But who would change the heart made of stone? Maybe we don't live in the past but human cruelty is beyond imagination... We don't kill for food but we sure can make a person's life a living hell with a few words. And for what? For an internet picture, more likes, more followers. That's the war we are willing to take in the big 2024.
People's hearts should soften. I had always thought that. Still, it took a sweet girl to make me realize that I should have softened my heart before anyone else. After the breakup, I realized that my kindness for Maria spilled over while I gave none of my friends enough attention... and that's how my heart turned to stone. That's when I discovered that I turned her into an elegant diamond while I stayed on the ground.
"Did you eat anything today?" Sally broke the silence. I looked at her with the corner of my eye, without moving my head. I hesitated, unsure of what to say. She gave a smug look before adding "You don't eat a lot, do ya? I see you on lunch break, sometimes it's just an apple," She shifted her body towards me. For others maybe they would feel stalked but for me, she truly cared. Who wouldn't pay attention if they went through her case?
I smiled at her. I closed my eyes... Should I tell her? Is it even an issue? Maybe not... I sighed. It was loud enough to fill the void. Her question was simple but the answer wasn't. It wasn't clear. It is not that serious...
The tiny black kitten was kneading in Sally's lap, before moving to curl up on my lap, purring softly as I stroked its fur. My heart raced loudly enough for me to hear through my ears. I took a deep shaky breath as I sat up straight, looking at her.
"Well... I struggle with eating," I barked out. And suddenly it felt like a boom realised in my chest. It was the first time I admitted it to anyone, I tried to shake it off like it wasn't a big deal but it was still heavy to say out loud.
Her smile faded as she kept her voice gentle. "Like an eating disorder?" Her words lingered in the air as an unwanted guest.
"I-I don't really know... possibly," I looked away
She bit her lip, "What's your favorite food?" Her voice came out more gentle than intended.
"Pizza," I answered, trying to sound casual. "Especially mushroom pizza... but I'm not really hungry. I don't think I could eat right now," Just thinking about food was hard enough. It wasn't about the calories or how my body looked... but maybe even my body didn't want me alive. The disgust I felt inside after each meal was enough to make my joy in food disappear. As if each bite was just for a worthless broken machine.
"It's okay if you can't. But maybe we can try together? You need your strength back. Come on, get up, and we'll make the pizza together. It'll be fun!" There was a slight shift in her tone... maybe it was hope? I groaned a little, still feeling the weight of my own exhaustion and anxiety. "Can't we just order it? I'm not really up for... anything,"
"Come on! Let's go to the store and get what we need, don't be a party pooper! It'll help change your mood, I promise!" I gave in with a nod, still absentmindedly petting the tiny black kitten on my lap. "Oh, and what about the kitty? Where will we leave her while we're out getting groceries?"
"Felix is coming with us! We can hide him in your hood," Sally grinned, then giggled, lifting the spirit.
"Felix?" I asked with a small smile. I opened my phone to look up the name. The meaning was 'lucky' and oh how lucky I'm to have this cat.
"You're a sneaky one aren't ya?" I teased. She chuckled again.
We walked to the grocery store, I had Felix in my hoodie hat and put my hands in my pockets. Felix was sleeping and purring in my hoodie hat, the sensation against my neck was comforting, helping me calm down.
We walked and chatted. Sally was rubbing her hands together. "Are you cold?" I asked, "Yes..." She answered quietly. I took her hand in mine and put it in my pocket so she could be warm as well. She blushed, looking away, the stars reflected beautifully in her eyes. I smiled, the silence was peaceful and I could feel a bit relaxed and I was happy... For the first time in weeks, at last happy.
When we arrived at the store, Sally sprinted excitedly through it getting everything we needed for the pizza. I was certain that she was trying to do her best to cheer me up. We laughed together. Suddenly an idea popped into my mind.
Through the loud noises of scanning and the background chatter of strangers, what if I carried Sally in the shopping cart? I looked at her standing in the tomato sauce aisle, clearly not expecting what was about to happen. Her brain was busy with which brand would help me get back my strength. Which has more nourishment and nutrients.
I came closer, placing the cart behind her. I wrapped my arms under her knees and behind her head before lifting her in the air with a small spin. She wasn't heavy, just like I expected. She let out a little scream before I placed her in the cart. She laughed so hard that she made me laugh even harder. I put her in the grocery cart and strolled around the store with her. Both of us had a lot of fun and I felt my heart full of joy. I felt lighter in my heart. My body wasn't a dead one I dragged around anymore.
After we bought the pizza ingredients we walked home together, Felix was still asleep in my hoodie hat.
Right when we arrived, Felix jumped out of my hat and slept on the couch. We walked straight to the kitchen and started making the dough.
Sally shocked me with her kitchen skills, while she worked like a tireless bee, I sat on the chair in the kitchen feeling useless by only telling her where everything was.
She made a heart shape with the pizza dough "For our new friendship?"
"Yes, for our new friendship!" I replied enthusiastically. I smeared my hand with flour and gently nudged her nose, making it look like a tiny snowflake had fallen on her nose. "I'm sure it's delicious!" I assured her as we both giggled.
After the steamy pizza came out of the oven, we placed it on the kitchen table. Each of us started with two slices on our plates. I took a bite as the cheese stretched in a tasty yellow color. And for a moment I felt like I was thrown into heaven, but I quickly came back when I noticed Sally wasn't eating.
"Are you good?" I put down my pizza and knelt beside her chair as I held her hand.
"No... It's just that tonight reminded me too much about my brother... we used to do what we did today," She wiped a fallen tear from her cheek, a small smile still drawn on her lips.
"You are sad right? Then why are you still smiling?"
And that's when I heard the most life changing sentence...
"When you're hurting, you've got to find your own happiness and keep smiling through it because even in the darkest nights... There's always a moon shining up in the sky, showing you the way. Our smiles are exactly like the moon... that's what my brother taught me and every time I feel down, I remember that quote and end up smiling because a smile from the pain is always the prettiest."
Naya♤