After last night's thoughts about prisoner 217, after realizing the impossibility of his situation, Soren had finally attempted to sleep
The anxiety had kept him awake for hours, his damaged eye staring into the darkness of the cell. Noelle had long since fallen asleep, her breathing steady and calm, her faith apparently granting her peace that he couldn't find
Eventually, exhaustion had won out. His mind had surrendered to sleep despite the racing thoughts
But sleep brought no relief as once again Soren's eyes snapped open
His body convulsed violently, his back arching off the cot as if an invisible force was pulling him upward. A scream tore from his throat, raw and primal, the sound of someone drowning. His hands flailed, fingers clawing at the air as if he could physically tear away the nightmare that still clung to him
He was gasping for air, his breathing coming in ragged, uncontrolled bursts. His entire body was drenched in sweat, the moisture soaking through his prison clothes. His one functional eye was wide open, unfocused, seeing something that wasn't in the cell
Adrian's face was still there. Still dying. Still looking at Soren with those eyes that said everything without words
His hands began to shake uncontrollably. He pressed his palms against his face, his damaged features contorting further as the gesture twisted the scarred tissue. His nails dug into his skin, drawing fresh blood that mingled with the sweat
"No. No. No," he whispered, the words becoming a mantra, a desperate chant. "Not again. Please not again"
His breathing was becoming erratic. Panic was setting in, the kind of panic that made it difficult to draw breath, that made his chest feel like it was being crushed from the inside. His body was trembling so violently that the cot creaked beneath him
Noelle stirred on her cot
She had been asleep, her body at rest, her faith carrying her into peaceful dreams. But Soren's scream had torn through the quiet of the cell like a blade. Her green eyes snapped open, immediately alert despite the abruptness of the awakening
She sat up slowly, her gaze fixing on Soren's form in the darkness
What she saw made her understand immediately that something was deeply wrong.
He was breaking. Actually breaking in front of her. This man who had demonstrated such cold calculation, such ruthless control, was unravelling in the darkness. His entire body was shaking. His breathing was desperate, panicked. The scars on his face seemed even more pronounced in his distress, the damaged tissue pulling tight as his facial muscles contracted
Again. Noelle thought, even the day before yesterday he did this this seems to be a reoccurring theme. It seems that His holiness did not send me on an easy mission, this ones mind is clearly fragmented. But this must be my duty so I must make sure that this person stays intact enough to accomplish my mission, to accomplish my faith
"Soren," she said softly, her voice cutting through his panic like a lifeline
He didn't seem to hear her. His hands were still pressed against his face, his body still trembling. He was rocking slightly, his form hunched over on the cot in a posture of profound distress
Noelle rose from her cot and approached him. She could see the fresh blood on his hands from where his nails had broken skin. Could see the way his entire body was locked in tension, as if he was trying to physically hold himself together
She knelt before him, her white and gold armour reflecting what little light penetrated their cell
"One of my duties as a priestess is to relieve people of their sins," she said, her voice carrying that serene certainty despite the chaos of his distress. "Basically a confessional. Under the witness of the goddess, tell me what plagues your mind so much that it is driving you into a state of madness"
Soren's hands slowly lowered from his face. His one functional eye gradually began to focus on her kneeling form before him. The panic didn't disappear entirely, but it receded slightly, replaced by something more like desperation
He stared at her
Part of him wanted to tell her everything. Wanted to pour out all the guilt, all the pain, all the darkness that had been accumulating inside him since that moment in the forest. He needed an outlet. Needed to let it all out before it consumed him completely
But another part of him resisted
He didn't trust her. Not really. His mind knew the truth. She only trusted him because he had lied about losing his memories. Because he had told her he was on a mission from His Holiness, the same mission she was on. She believed a fiction
He didn't know that she knew he was lying. He didn't know that she had already decided his fate in her mind, that she had already committed herself to protecting him because she believed it would bring her closer to her goddess, closer to her faith
Noelle moved closer to him
"I will not judge you," she said, her voice carrying weight that transcended the simple words. "For who am I? Another human being amongst millions of others in this world. Only a higher being than us truly has the right to judge another. For we are simply just human at the end of the day. How can we decide another's fate?"
Soren felt something crack inside him
The walls he had built, the defences he had constructed, the barriers he had placed around his guilt began to fracture under the weight of her words
Words started to form in his mouth before he could stop them
"Was I wrong?" he whispered. "Was I wrong for abandoning everyone, even if it meant that I lived? In the moment it felt so right. But was that the other me talking? I can't get that moment out of my head. This feeling. It plagues my mind. Plagues my heart. It hurts so much"
He didn't want to tell her he never wanted to tell anyone but the words formed before he could stop them. It was like his body was begging for some kind of safe release after being under such a tremendous burden this whole time. Soren used the constant chaos to try mask how broken his mind really was, but once the small cracks started forming it never stopped. He constantly asked himself the same questions, the same mad ravings he said over and over again and now he finally found some sort of an outlet to try and relieve his mental burden. Even if his mind protested against it his heart could not
His voice broke
"Is this my punishment?"
Noelle listened without interrupting. Her green eyes held compassion that seemed genuine, even if her understanding of what he was truly saying was incomplete. She didn't know the specifics. Didn't know about Adrian or the forest or the choices he had made. But she could hear the guilt. Could feel the weight of whatever he carried
And her faith drove her forward
She believed this man was the key. The sign her goddess had sent. The instrument through which her mission would be completed. She didn't know exactly what she had to do, but her conviction was absolute
"It is not a sin to want to live," she said quietly. "To want to wake up and see the sun rise and set. To be able to walk this world another day. But it is a sin to waste the actions of others. To squander the sacrifices made so that you might live"
She paused, letting the weight settle
"I believe that the actions you took were right. For you are here today. You are alive. You stand before me. How much of a crime could it have been if the outcome is your survival? If the outcome is that you are still here to fulfil your purpose?"
Soren felt something shift inside him
It wasn't absolution. Not really. The guilt was still there, buried deeper now, but still present. Still real. But it was manageable. Hidden beneath layers of rationalization that Noelle had given him. Permission, in a way. Permission to stop drowning in it
He dropped to his knees
Tears streamed down his scarred face, carving paths through the damaged flesh. His entire body shook as he clutched at the sleeves of her armour, gripping the fabric like it was the only thing keeping him tethered to this world
"Thank you," he gasped between sobs. "Truly. Thank you"
Noelle didn't pull away. She remained there, kneeling before him, her hand resting gently on his shoulder
Soren still with tears streaming down his monstrous face thought, I see. I see it now
I am truly thankful to her. All this time I have been so focused on drowning in my past that I forgot why I even did those actions in the first place. It was so I could pave my way to my future. It was so I could survive. It was so I could escape
But I've been using the past as a chain, as something to bind myself with. I've been allowing the guilt to consume me, to define me, to control every decision I make
For now, I will forget it all. Just so I can truly look ahead. Just so I can truly escape this prison of my own making. Just so I can truly think clearly without the weight of what came before crushing me
Now I understand. The past cannot be changed. But the future is still unwritten. The future is still mine to shape
And now I can truly think clearly. Now I can prepare properly for what comes next. Now I can face what lies ahead without the fog of guilt clouding my judgment
For now, I will become perfect
I will become the version of myself that doesn't break. That doesn't hesitate. That doesn't drown in remorse for choices that were necessary
I will survive. I will escape. I will become unstoppable