Prologue
The city moved the way it always did. Cars idled at intersections. People hurried past one another with coffee cups and conversations that mattered only to themselves. Somewhere, a street vendor called out prices no one listened to. Life went on, unbothered. I noticed everything because everything felt louder than usual. My hand drifted instinctively to my stomach as I sat there , fingers resting there as if the gesture alone could protect what was inside me. The bump was barely there, more imagined than visible—but I felt it all the same. A quiet certainty. A beginning. I'm going to be better, I told myself. I already am. I was lowly playing the song "Worth it" by Raye. Next to me on the passenger seat was my purse. Inside it were two pregnancy tests, both unmistakably positive. I had checked them again before leaving my apartment, standing in the bathroom longer than necessary, waiting for doubt to arrive. It hadn't.
The weather was chilly, the kind that called for layers. I wore a long coat buttoned neatly, its weight comforting against my body. To anyone watching, I looked composed. Steady. Like a woman with direction. Inside me, emotions collided without order. One part of me believed—fiercely—that the man I loved would support me. That he would rise to the moment. That this wouldn't break us. Another part of me was afraid. I had never imagined motherhood this way. Out of wedlock. Unplanned. Here we were. And yet, the fear didn't eclipse the longing. If anything, it sharpened it. I wanted to be the mother I had never known. Present. Gentle. Consistent. I wanted to give my child what I had always searched for. But what if he doesn't want this? The thought flickered like a candle in the wind. We loved each other, didn't we?
My phone rang interrupting my thoughts.I glanced at the screen.My supervising attorney was calling.
Not today
Not briefs , not deadlines, not cases,not the careful language of law that demanded I always be composed and sharp.I let it ring out the vibration dying quietly against the seat beside me.
I found my hand resting on my stomach,I smiled to myself. I already saw it so clearly;A house.Not big.Not flashy.Just warm.Me, Him and Our Mini "us".
The thought made me laugh out loud, a soft , almost embarrassed sound.
"Pearl ,please!" I told myself shaking my head.
"You have a lot more to do!"
The first thing was at hand.Letting this cat out of the bag.
As I drove by, I imagined Janine's reaction. The widened eyes. The teasing disbelief. The eventual smile. I felt like taking out my phone to text her. Not before I told Elias and this deserved a good girls' night out, I thought. She'll be shocked,but,she'll stand by me. The only person other than Elias, who had peeled back my layers, one by one. My first ever friendship in 22 years. I knew she'd support my decision no matter what. Janine always did.
I reached Elias's apartment sooner than expected.He had told me he'd be working all night. We were supposed to meet the next day. But this news felt too alive to wait. Too sacred for a phone call. I had a key. The lock turned easily. Familiar. The apartment greeted me with silence. No television. No music. Just the faint scent of his cologne lingering in the air. "Elias?" I called softly. No answer. I stepped inside, closing the door behind me. My hand returned to my stomach, thumb moving in slow circles, soothing. The purse on my shoulder felt heavier than usual. My pace slowed as I climbed the staircase, nerves finally catching up to hope. I stopped a little bit, "4 seconds in, hold, 4 seconds out". Exactly how my therapist had taught me. This has always been my magic. "We're okay," I thought. "I've got you."I finally got into his bedroom which was slightly open.Gentle pushed the door and I was in.
Then I saw her. I rubbed my eyes twice. "Am I experiencing pregnancy side effects already" I slowly whispered to myself. No, I wasn't!, it was her. Wrapped in a short white wife beater. Her hair all messy, with what seemed to be a glass of wine in her hand. Janine stood near the bedroom doorway. She faced me at first glance. Relaxed. Unbothered. Her lips curved into a smile that did not flicker when I froze. There was no shock in her eyes. No guilt. Just a knowing satisfaction that turned my blood cold. A smirk. The world narrowed. For a moment, my mind refused to form meaning. I searched for logic, for explanation, for something that made this make sense.Is this how being rich felt like ? Not caring about other people's feelings because you have nothing to lose.Why was I even thinking like that?.She probably asked Elias to use his apartment.As someone with multiple boyfriends this would make sense,"sneaky links" she would say.Then Elias appeared behind Janine.With just his boxers on.How could THEY!?The color drained from his face the instant he saw me. Panic broke through him, raw and uncontrolled. "Pearl—" he started, rushing toward me. I didn't hear the rest. Pain exploded through my abdomen, sharp and blinding, stealing my breath. My knees buckled as something inside me seemed to tear loose. "No—no, no," I whispered, clutching my stomach as agony surged. My purse slipped from my shoulder and hit the floor. The pregnancy tests spilled out, stark and undeniable against the hardwood. I cried out, the sound torn from somewhere deep and instinctive. Tears blurred my vision as I collapsed, the room spinning violently around me. "Please" I begged silently. "Please don't take this from me."
Elias reached me, shouting my name, but his voice felt distant, warped. Janine didn't move. She simply watched, arms folded, her expression unchanged. The pain intensified. Warmth spread beneath me, and my sobs deepened, my body curling inward as if it could undo what was happening. Sirens wailed somewhere far away, growing louder by degrees. As darkness crept in at the edges of my vision, a single thought rose uninvited, old and familiar, settling into place with cruel clarity. "I don't deserve love", I thought. "I mean even my own father left me and never looked back." My mom was right!