Chapter 31: The Cheesecake Factory
Max's cupcakes were genuinely delicious.
Of course, Ethan wanted the clinic to stock cupcakes not solely because he personally enjoyed them, but primarily to provide patient amenities at the clinic.
Maybe it would somehow help strengthen his connection to the Holy Light.
Additionally, he'd noticed that during his last two overnight stays at Max's apartment, he was invariably the only one still in bed come morning, making him feel embarrassingly lazy compared to Max's work ethic.
So—since he clearly wasn't working hard enough himself, he should position himself closer to people who worked harder than him.
That way, at minimum he would appear reasonably motivated by association.
That evening, the science quartet plus Ethan—all five of them rarely assembled together—decided to eat dinner at the Cheesecake Factory where Penny worked.
As soon as they were seated at their booth, Ethan couldn't help but speak up: "We've known Penny for how long now, why is tonight literally the first time we've come here to eat?"
Sheldon immediately responded in his signature "I've-been-waiting-for-you-to-ask" tone: "The reason is straightforward, Ethan.
Our weekly dining schedule was established and codified as far back as 2003."
He paused for emphasis and continued: "Monday is Big Boy's for burgers, Tuesday is Szechuan Palace, Wednesday is Giacomo's for pizza, Thursday is sushi, Friday we order Thai delivery, and Sunday is the Cheesecake Factory buffet.
And Saturday—is designated 'Anything Can Happen Saturday,' which theoretically represents a scheduling variable, but 'anything can happen' does not mandate 'one must dine out.'
Consequently we typically still default to ordering takeout."
He glanced around the restaurant skeptically and added:
"Today is Saturday, but I must emphatically state—I am extremely concerned about today's 'Anything Can Happen Saturday' deviation.
Based on my analysis and empirical observation, any restaurant employing Penny as waitstaff likely maintains culinary standards as chaotic as her apartment cleanliness.
Furthermore, considering Penny's demonstrably limited vocabulary and chronically disorganized behavioral patterns, her service quality could prove catastrophic."
Leonard sighed heavily: "See? This is exactly why we've never come here."
Just then, Penny approached their table carrying menus: "Hey, guys! Oh my God, Ethan! I haven't seen you in forever!
This is actually the first time you've all come here to eat; I'm genuinely happy to see you."
Ethan smiled diplomatically: "Hi, Penny. I think... you're celebrating prematurely."
Predictably, as the ordering process commenced, problems immediately manifested.
First was Howard's relentless inappropriate flirting, then Sheldon's analysis-paralysis decision-making, and Raj was so anxious he couldn't verbalize a single word, only using the oversized menu to shield his panic.
Leonard and Ethan attempted to coordinate diplomatically, but it didn't make the situation any smoother.
Finally, after they somehow managed to place their orders, a familiar face appeared and walked over.
"Hey, Leonard!" Leslie Winkle was wearing a brown leather jacket and carrying a physics journal, clearly having just left the lab.
"Didn't expect to see you guys here." She greeted casually, "Hi, everyone."
"Hey, Leslie." Leonard sounded distinctly awkward.
Sheldon chimed in unhelpfully: "Indeed we wouldn't normally be here; this represents a highly unpleasant deviation from protocol."
Leonard cut Sheldon off and proactively introduced Penny: "Leslie, this is Penny—she lives in the apartment across the hall from us."
Howard immediately launched into poetry recitation: "She walks in beauty, like the night..."
Penny's expression went completely flat: "Howard, final warning: do NOT do that."
Howard immediately retreated: "Yes, ma'am."
Leonard continued awkwardly: "Leslie and I are colleagues, both doing research at Caltech."
Penny responded with genuine enthusiasm: "Wow, a female physicist! That's awesome."
Leslie nodded matter-of-factly: "What I lack in cup size, I more than compensate for in IQ points."
She scanned the table, her analytical gaze landing squarely on Ethan: "Who's this? Definitely not a theoretical physicist... physical phenotype is suspiciously optimal.
If your cognitive abilities also register above baseline competency, you'd represent an excellent genetic breeding candidate."
Leonard quickly intervened: "This is Ethan, our other roommate. He's a medical doctor."
Ethan raised his hand in greeting: "Hi. Your aesthetic evaluation methodology is... refreshingly direct."
"A physician? Medicine is only marginally scientific." Leslie seized the opportunity to emphasize the academic hierarchy: "If reproduction directly optimizes for the correlation between physical attractiveness and intelligence, it eliminates the trial-and-error inefficiencies inherent in human mate selection."
Sheldon interjected pedantically: "Physical beauty represents an evolutionarily illogical byproduct. What genuinely determines humanity's future quality is cognitive capacity."
Leslie and Ethan glanced at Sheldon simultaneously and tacitly chose to completely ignore him.
"From a genetic perspective," Ethan countered, "physical appearance involves dominant gene expression, while intelligence demonstrates recessive inheritance patterns.
I'm curious—if forced to choose exclusively, would your theoretical reproductive strategy prioritize phenotypic attractiveness or genotypic cognitive potential?"
Leslie evaluated him thoroughly again: "Impressive. Most conventionally attractive men reveal their intellectual inadequacy within seconds of speaking.
For actual reproduction, I'd select intelligence—at minimum the offspring wouldn't mistake an electron microscope for a toy truck.
Of course, for purely recreational purposes, humans typically pursue superficial gratification. Physical appearance and sexual performance provide optimal drivers for short-term dopamine stimulation."
She paused meaningfully and added: "You appear to be the phenotype that could trigger significant female neurochemical responses."
Ethan maintained silence for two seconds: "...Thanks, I think?"
Sheldon couldn't resist adding: "Physical attractiveness is merely overvalued on social media platforms; natural selection systematically eliminates it."
Continuing to completely ignore Sheldon, Leslie redirected to Leonard: "Since I coincidentally encountered you—the Physics Department string quartet still needs a cellist."
"What happened to Elliot Wong?"
"He transferred to the High-Energy Particle Radiation Research Group... minor laboratory incident. The other ensemble members refuse to sit within three meters of him due to residual radiation concerns." Leslie explained clinically, "So, are you interested?"
Leonard responded eagerly: "Absolutely!"
"Excellent. Rehearsal is Tuesday evening at your apartment. The Department of Energy officially classified our previous rehearsal space as a contamination hazard zone."
Leslie finished speaking and turned to leave, "Goodbye, everyone."
Penny smiled warmly in response: "Bye!"
Once Leslie had departed completely, Penny couldn't suppress her laughter any longer and leaned conspiratorially toward Ethan:
"Ethan, that's literally the first time I've witnessed you interact with a woman like that. I didn't comprehend a single word, but it sounded incredibly impressive."
Ethan feigned shock: "Wait, what? That was a woman just now?"
"Ha! I'm kidding," he said with a grin as his expression normalized: "Conversing with her was purely intellectual sparring. Unlike with you—that's an exchange of both mind and body."
Penny blinked, momentarily stunned: "Wow. I still don't totally get it, but I'm absolutely certain that's the most intellectually sophisticated compliment I've ever received."
She turned to Leonard and started gossiping eagerly: "Leonard, your colleague seems great. Is there romantic history between you two?"
Leonard frantically waved his hands: "Leslie? No, absolutely not."
Sheldon added helpfully from the side: "He propositioned her once for a dinner date, but it concluded embarrassingly."
"Thank you so much, Sheldon," Leonard said with profound exasperation.
Sheldon looked genuinely confused: "Oh, was that information supposed to be confidential?"
Penny suppressed her amusement: "That's unfortunate—you two could have been an adorable couple."
After saying that, she picked up her serving tray to deliver their food orders.
Raj finally couldn't contain himself any longer: "Oh my God!"
Howard asked with concern: "What's wrong?"
Raj said indignantly: "She didn't even ask me what I wanted to order!"
"How could she possibly ask you? You were so anxious you literally couldn't speak. Even if she had asked, how would you have responded?"
Raj looked dejected: "Regardless, this deficiency will absolutely be reflected in her gratuity percentage."
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