Chapter 26 Kushida: Even a Withered Tree Can Bloom, But Horikita, Why Are You Just Like Her?
"I have something I want to consult you about," Horikita said.
Kushida was stunned. Horikita Suzune—the "Ice Queen" of Class D who always kept to herself and never showed a friendly face to anyone—actually said she had something to consult her about? And she used the word "consult."
It wasn't "ask a question" or "talk for a bit"; it was "consult." It sounded like she was seeking professional advice.
"Consult?" Kushida repeated the word. "About what?"
Horikita looked at her, her burgundy eyes carrying a trace of cautious emotion that Kushida had never seen before.
"About... matters of the heart," Horikita said.
Kushida's pupils contracted slightly.
The corridor fell silent for a few seconds.
Since it was after school, the setting sun poured through the windows, spilling onto the floor between them and making that small patch of tile glow. From a distance, the sounds of club activities—running footsteps, the thud of rackets hitting balls, and shouting—blended together, drifting over from far away, muffled and remote.
Kushida looked at Horikita. That face, usually so cold and indifferent, now wore a rare look of urgency, like a drowning person grasping at a straw.
Horikita Suzune, who looked down on everyone, was actually making an expression like this.
Kushida seemed to suddenly understand something.
"Alright," she said. "Where to?"
Horikita thought for a moment. "The cafe. My treat."
The two walked side by side toward the stairs. Kushida walked next to Horikita, her peripheral vision fixed on the other girl's face. Horikita's expression had returned to its usual calm, but Kushida knew it was just a facade. The tone she used when saying "matters of the heart"—that uncertainty and hesitation—wasn't faked.
Just what could have happened to make Horikita Suzune show such an expression?
Kushida sifted through her thoughts but found no answer. However, she had a faint feeling that this likely had something to do with Hikigaya Hachiman.
As they walked down the stairs, Horikita suddenly spoke.
"Kushida."
"Yeah?"
"I think you really can give Hikigaya a diary," Horikita said. "Give him one with a green cover. He probably won't dislike it, and he'll likely record his daily life honestly."
'Huh?'
She hadn't even bought the gift yet—it was just a rough idea—and yet you've already thought about how he'll use it?
Kushida was somewhat surprised.
Noticing Kushida's expression, Horikita quickly added, "It's nothing. You don't have to pay too much attention to what I said. I just feel that whatever you choose won't be wrong."
"Oh."
Kushida nodded gently.
But as she looked at her, Kushida didn't know what to say.
The two left the school building and headed toward the shopping district. Kushida walked half a step ahead, with Horikita following beside her. Neither spoke again, making the atmosphere slightly awkward. Even Kushida could feel that Horikita was hesitating, trying to figure out how to open her mouth.
However, the sense that this Horikita seemed to have grown a bit more mature made Kushida feel somewhat annoyed.
After all, she didn't actually like Horikita. It was only because her secret had been discovered that she had formed an alliance with Horikita, Sakura, and Karuizawa, later teaming up to earn points. But Horikita's personality was straightforward—what you saw was what you got—which was something Kushida couldn't do. Consequently, Kushida instinctively felt a bit of rejection toward her.
The fact that the current Horikita felt more mature annoyed her even more.
Thus, sensing Horikita's mood, she didn't take the initiative to speak.
It was only when they reached the entrance of the shopping district that Horikita finally spoke.
"Kushida."
"Mm."
"Have you ever..." she paused, as if weighing every word, "liked someone?"
Kushida's pace faltered for a fraction of a second before she continued walking.
"No," Kushida said decisively.
In truth, she didn't have anyone she liked. There were plenty of people who liked her, and people had even confessed to her in middle school, but it only made her feel disgusted.
"..." Hearing Kushida's words, Horikita fell silent for a few seconds.
"Then, do you know... what 'liking' is?" Horikita asked next.
"..."
Kushida was speechless, but she already understood. This block of wood, Horikita Suzune, really... seemed to be sprouting.
Kushida thought about it and finally said, "It's probably... caring. Caring about every word he says, caring about everything he does, caring about who he's with. When you can't see him, you think about him; when you do see him, you don't know what to say."
These words caused Horikita's footsteps to slow down.
Everything Kushida mentioned hit the mark. She cared about every word Hachiman said. Not only that, she felt she might also care about how he looked when he was with Karuizawa, the way he looked at Ichinose, and the speed at which he replied to messages.
She wasn't like this before.
"Horikita-san." Kushida suddenly stopped and turned to look at her.
Horikita stopped as well, standing before her.
"The person you're talking about," Kushida looked at her, "is Hikigaya-kun, right?"
"..."
Horikita's grip on her books tightened. She didn't answer, but silence was an answer in itself.
Kushida watched her, silent for a few seconds, then sighed softly.
"What do you plan to do?" Kushida asked.
Horikita shook her head. "I don't know. But I do know that he will likely get married after graduating high school."
'???
Wait, sister, where did you hear that? Is it Hikigaya and Karuizawa?
No.'
Karuizawa was just practicing with him.
"..." Kushida was a bit dazed. She looked at Horikita.
"How do you know Hikigaya is getting married right after graduation?"
Horikita's body stiffened slightly.
She looked at Kushida and opened her mouth to say something, but ultimately just shook her head. After all, a dream could just be a dream. However, when she had intentionally mentioned the green diary just now, Kushida's reaction made Horikita feel that the dream was very likely real.
But instinctively, she felt she couldn't share such a thing with Kushida.
"It's nothing," Horikita finally said. "Just my imagination."
Is that so?
'Well, your imagination moves pretty fast. Getting married right after high school is a pretty rare move.'
On one hand, it requires the relationship to have naturally matured; on the other hand, it means choosing marriage now instead of waiting to find a "more valuable" partner at a better university.
Kushida stared at her for two seconds. But Horikita's expression was such that it was basically impossible to glean any information from her face.
Besides, the discovery that Horikita might have fallen for Hikigaya was the more important point, wasn't it?
So, Kushida didn't press further.
"Let's go." Kushida turned around and continued toward the shopping district. "The cafe is almost here."
Horikita followed behind her, her pace a bit slower than before. The setting sun stretched their shadows long, casting them on the ground where they sat side-by-side in silence. Kushida walked in front without looking back, but she could feel Horikita watching her, as if waiting for her to say something.
In other words, this girl Horikita Suzune hadn't just told her this news... she also wanted to gain some "experience" from her.
"Horikita-san," Kushida said.
"Yes?"
"If you really care about him," Kushida's voice was very soft, "then first do what you're supposed to do. The sports festival, exams, saving points. For everything else, time will tell."
Horikita was silent for a few seconds.
"You're right," she said.
Her voice was quiet, but steadier than before.
However, Kushida already understood that her guess was basically correct.
Horikita Suzune, that block of wood, seemed to have discovered her feelings—or rather, it was impossible to ignore them. Horikita was always alone, so having an opposite-sex companion and thinking it would just stay a "friendship" was what would actually be strange.
She just wondered... what Hikigaya would think.
First of all, in Kushida's view, since Hikigaya was a "traveler," his final choice might not be anyone here.
So, Horikita Suzune might not have a chance.
.
.
.
Night finally fell.
By the time Kushida Kikyo returned to her dorm, it was completely dark. The motion-sensor lights in the corridor flickered on as she passed and extinguished one by one behind her. She pulled her keys from her pocket, inserted them into the lock, turned it, and pushed the door open.
After turning on the lights.
She placed her schoolbag on the table, took off her jacket and draped it over the back of the chair, then went to take a shower.
She really liked showering.
Hot water poured down from the showerhead, and steam filled the bathroom, blurring her reflection in the mirror into a smudge. She stood under the spray with her eyes closed, her mind swirling with the evening's conversation with Horikita—revolving around words like "liking," "caring," and "marriage."
Coming out from the shower, she changed into pajamas and sat on the edge of the bed to blow-dry her hair. The hum of the hairdryer was exceptionally loud in the quiet room, and the hot air gushed out, drying her wet hair bit by bit. She stared blankly while drying, her gaze falling on the table where a notebook sat.
A green-covered one.
She had bought it at the shopping district.
When she walked into the stationery store, she actually hadn't decided what to buy. But as her eyes scanned the shelves, she spotted that green notebook at a glance. It had a hard cover, thick paper, and a rough texture to the touch.
Looking at the notebook then, she had remembered what Horikita said: "I think you really can give Hikigaya a diary. Give him one with a green cover."
So, she actually bought the exact type Horikita mentioned.
"..." Kushida put the notebook back on the table and turned off the hairdryer.
The room fell silent. Occasionally, the chirping of insects drifted in from outside, intermittent and exceptionally clear in the night. She picked up her phone and tapped the screen. Several messages lay neatly in the notification bar, all sent by "friends."
[Kushida-chan, the club stuff today was so annoying, I want someone to talk to. Are you free?]
[Kikyo, do you think I should break up with him? He hasn't been paying much attention to me lately. I feel so bad.]
[Kushida-san, I finished that book you recommended last time; it was really good! Do you have any other similar recommendations?]
One after another, they were all other people's troubles. Leaning against the headboard, Kushida read through every single message and began to reply. Her fingers tapped quickly on the screen, her face wearing a perfect smile—even though no one could see her, she was used to it. She finished the first, then the second, then the third.
[It's okay, I think you've done really well, don't put too much pressure on yourself.]
[Relationships are hard to call, but if you're really unhappy, maybe give yourself some time to cool down?]
[I'm so glad you liked that book! Similar ones include...]
She wrote every reply to be appropriate, gentle, and understanding. Every word was weighed; every emoji was perfectly placed. The other side replied quickly— "Thanks, Kushida-chan, I always feel so much better talking to you." "Kikyo, you're so kind, I'm so happy you're here." Looking at those messages, a familiar feeling welled up in her. The feeling of being needed. The feeling of being trusted. The feeling of being liked.
She put the phone down, leaned against the headboard, and stared at the ceiling.
She knew this behavior was pathological.
Always wanting to be friends with everyone, always wanting to be liked by everyone, always confirming her own value through this method. If she didn't have friends, she couldn't survive; if she wasn't needed, she felt meaningless. She knew it wasn't normal. But she couldn't control it.
Because this was the only way she could confirm that she was "different."
She managed her interpersonal relationships, smiled at everyone, and became the "little angel." She had succeeded. Most of the people in Class D liked her, trusted her, and felt she was their best friend.
Kushida withdrew her gaze, picked up the green-covered notebook, and flipped it open. This was to be the birthday gift for Hikigaya. She had said "whatever," so Kushida did as she pleased. A diary, green, hardcover—enough for him to write in for three years. She didn't know if he would actually write in it, nor what he would write. But at least, it was something she had chosen.
She remembered what Horikita said in the cafe that evening.
"He will likely get married after graduating high school," Horikita had said.
Horikita wouldn't say such a mindless thing for no reason. Even though Horikita claimed it was just her imagination.
As Kushida leaned against the headboard, her fingers scrolled aimlessly on the phone screen. She had a vague feeling it wasn't just "imagination." Horikita wasn't the type to just imagine things. Every word she spoke had a reason behind it.
But if Hikigaya really was going to get married here, it meant he wouldn't be going back.
A traveler doesn't necessarily have to travel back; that was a fact. He could stay in this world, get married, work, and live a whole life. No one ruled that he must leave. He was only "possibly" leaving. And those two words, "possibly," implied another possibility.
Kushida placed her phone next to her pillow and rolled over to face the wall.
She was thinking a bit too much.
Hikigaya's girlfriend was Karuizawa. Even if it was for "learning experience," dating was dating. Kushida understood him somewhat. He wasn't the type of person to treat feelings casually.
He had even prepared 20 million points just to find a girl to learn experience from. He had approached her first, but she had refused him. Then he found Karuizawa. If he didn't go back, and if he really were to marry someone, then Karuizawa would likely be the biggest winner.
Kushida rolled over again to face the window. The curtains were half-drawn, revealing a small patch of the night sky—pitch black, with no stars visible. She stared at that patch of sky for a while, a sudden sense of irritability rising in her heart. It wasn't because of Karuizawa, nor because of Horikita. It was because of herself. What if she hadn't refused back then? Would the person dating Hachiman now be her?
She shook the thought away.
Because there are no "what ifs." A refusal is a refusal. She had her reasons at the time—she gets emotionally invested easily and didn't want to play a part in a charade. That reason still existed, but her mood had changed. Not because she wanted to be in a relationship, but because she found that Hikigaya Hachiman was a bit different from what she had imagined.
He was more serious than she thought, and more reliable too. He could use his inner voice to deceive people in exams, yet also arrange the futures of those around him. He looked lazy, but he was more decisive than anyone when it came to getting things done.
When this thought surfaced, Kushida became even more irritable.
Horikita Suzune also had feelings for Hikigaya. Even though Horikita didn't say it explicitly at the cafe, that phrase "matters of the heart" had explained everything.
That Ice Queen who looked down on everyone could actually like someone, and that someone was Hikigaya.
Kushida sat up and grabbed her phone.
She opened her contacts, found Hachiman's name, and her finger hovered over the screen. Then she typed a line of text and sent it.
[You are loved.]
After the message was sent, she stared at the screen for a few seconds. She felt the sentence was a bit nonsensical, but she didn't want to retract it. Whatever, that blockhead Hikigaya probably wouldn't understand it anyway.
About thirty seconds later, the phone vibrated. Hachiman's reply.
[If you've been under a lot of pressure lately, you can tell me. Though I don't have much time these days.]
Kushida stared at that line, specifically the words "Though I don't have much time these days," and the corner of her mouth twitched slightly.
This guy, receiving a message like "You are loved," has the first reaction of "Are you under pressure?" And he even added "Though I don't have much time these days"—meaning he's busy, but he can spare some time to listen to her.
In other words, the first thing he considered was her situation.
"..."
She typed an ellipsis and sent it.
[...]
Then she put the phone next to her pillow and rolled over to face the wall. Fine. She felt she really did regret it a little; she shouldn't have refused him so quickly back then.
She closed her eyes.
The chirping of insects outside continued, intermittent, like a song without an ending. She ran through those things in her mind again—Hachiman, Karuizawa, Horikita, the diary, marriage, traveling. Every word was like a bead scattered in the dark, impossible to string together.
Maybe she shouldn't think so much. Hikigaya was a traveler; he could leave at any time. So it didn't matter who was with him. He would leave in the end anyway.
That was the reason she had refused so quickly in the first place.
"..."
But now, what if he doesn't leave?
Kushida opened her eyes and stared at the wall. If he doesn't leave, if he's going to get married here, who would that person be?
She didn't know.
She only knew it wasn't her.
At least not right now.
And she also hoped it wouldn't be Horikita.
If it were Horikita, she wouldn't be able to stand it.
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