With the first rays of the sun, I was ready to depart. At my side was my right hand - Ser Bronn of the Blackwater. Father also assigned me a dozen well-equipped riders, a couple of wagons loaded with provisions, and one empty wagon meant for a dozen Vale clansmen who agreed to accompany me to the capital - naturally, not for free.
We left the camp early in the day, and the journey to King's Landing took us four days. Of course, we encountered no trouble along the way, which was hardly surprising - only a fool would dare stand in the path of riders bearing the sigil of House Lannister. Each day we made only two stops, giving our asses and our horses time to rest. A specially crafted saddle made riding far easier for me. Though I had never ridden in my previous life, Tyrion's memories and muscle memory allowed me to adapt quickly.
Along the road, we came upon an allied detachment looting one of the villages in the Riverlands. Do you think I rushed in to stop this outrage? No - I'm no hero. I simply arrived and, by right of strength, claimed my share of the spoils: fresh meat and six women.
The prettiest one - a brunette around twenty, with long black hair and big tits - I gave her to Bronn. For myself, I chose a very young girl with long fair hair and blue eyes. Her curves weren't especially impressive, but she would blossom in time. As for the rest, I gave half to my clansmen and the other half to the riders.
In the end, everyone was satisfied with my decision. Besides, the fate of those poor women could've been far worse - at least, that's what I wanted to believe. My young girl was named Marta. She was extremely timid, which was understandable. For the time being, I decided not to do anything improper with her - having sex out in the open made me uncomfortable.
On the fifth day of the journey, I finally reached King's Landing. The distance we covered was considerable - around two hundred kilometers. Fortunately, among the riders Father had given me, there was a skilled guide.
At the gates of the capital, I noticed one of the problems I'd have to deal with in the future - refugees. Too many peasants were fleeing the war and had chosen the capital as their refuge. Spotting us, the gate guards immediately escorted us inside. We were received with respect, all thanks to my recognizable persona. A dwarf bearing the Lannister sigil - hard to mistake me for anyone else.
After chatting with one of the guards, I learned that King Joffrey was holding a tourney at the Red Keep. Upon hearing this, I headed there with my retinue.
"Thank you… my king… and you as well, my lady, my thanks."How interesting fate could be. I had arrived at the exact same moment as the original Tyrion - precisely when Sansa Stark saved Ser Dontos from death by convincing Joffrey to make him his fool.
"My beloved nephew! I see you're enjoying yourself," I said to Joffrey, drawing the attention of the assembled crowd - nobles, merchants, and others - as I approached him. He was seated in the royal gallery alongside his younger brother Tommen, his younger sister Myrcella, Sansa Stark, Sandor Clegane, and the Gold Cloaks.
"Yes… ruling the kingdom takes a great deal of effort, so I decided to hold a tourney," Joffrey replied. There was uncertainty in his gaze. It seemed the slaps Tyrion had once given him had left a psychological mark - but for how long? Soon enough, absolute power would shape him, and controlling him would become far more difficult.
"You're doing well, and I'm here to help you rule - with sound advice," I said, then took a goblet of wine in my hand.
"What?" Joffrey was genuinely startled by my statement - his mouth actually fell open, the poor thing.
"By order of my father - Tywin Lannister, who also serves as your Hand - he has temporarily entrusted me with his authority on the small council. Myrcella, you grow more beautiful with each passing day. Tommen! Soon you'll grow quite big - even bigger than the Hound, and far more handsome," I explained, then turned my attention to everyone except Sansa. Joffrey enjoyed tormenting her, and I had no desire to give him another excuse. Unlike their elder brother, Myrcella and Tommen adored Uncle Tyrion.
…Joffrey fell silent, unsure of how to respond.
"I'm glad you're safe, Uncle Tyrion," Myrcella said to me.
"And I'm just as glad to still be alive and well. I nearly met a 'hero's death' at the Green Fork, but it seems the gods have other plans for me. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must inform the remaining members of the council of my appointment. With your permission, Your Grace," I said.After giving Joffrey a slight bow, I headed toward the Keep, where the small council convened. My retinue followed behind me. I wondered how it must have looked from other person's view - probably amusing to see a dwarf leading a group that included peasant women, barbarians, soldiers, and one charismatic thug who had only recently earned his knightly spurs.
The Red Keep - Tyrion had been here before, so I knew exactly where the small council met. As I entered the chamber, I heard them discussing the problem of peasant refugees from afar. As for my companions, I ordered them to wait for me at the entrance.
"Greetings to you, honorable members of the small council and of course to you, sister. Your beauty remains unchanged, as do your 'warm feelings' toward me," I said, interrupting the meeting.
Everyone present was surprised by my appearance - everyone except my sister. Her expression clearly said: him again… what does he want this time? After greeting them, I took a seat at the table and began pouring myself some wine.
"What are you doing here?" Cersei finally broke the awkward silence, while the others struggled to understand what was going on.
"Whew… my road has been long and thorny. First I visited the Wall, then spent some time in the Sky Cells, then fought alongside the Vale clansmen against the Northmen. So many adventures and I owe them to someone," I said, staring Cersei straight in the eyes, making it clear that I knew everything.
My unmistakable look didn't go unnoticed by Varys and Petyr Baelish either.
"What are you doing here? This is the small council!" my sister continued, as if nothing had happened.
"And as Hand, I have every right to be here," I replied calmly.
"The Hand is our father!" Cersei declared firmly, refusing to believe me.
"And no one disputes that. But in his absence…" I continued just as serenely, producing the written proof of my appointment and handing it to Varys, who stood closest.
"Your father has appointed Lord Tyrion to serve as Hand in his stead, while he..." the Spider began quickly recounting the contents of the letter, only to be rudely cut off.
"Out! All of you, out!" Cersei ordered the assembled lords.
…Meanwhile, I stared intently into her green eyes, torn between two conflicting desires as I looked at the woman who had hated me since the day I was born.The first - to kill her.The second - to fuck her.
"How did you manage to fool Father like this?" Cersei asked, rising from her seat and moving closer to me.
"Are we talking about the same man? Please - he's not someone you can fool. You might be surprised, but Father acknowledged my intellect and, combined with the madness unfolding in the capital, decided to send me here to rule in his name," I explained briefly.
"Joffrey rules the kingdom!" she said sharply, thinking I was about to do something foolish.
"I would give anything to see you say those words to Father's face. Now be so kind as to take a deep breath, drink some wine, and calm yourself. I'm here to help my nephew with sound advice that will improve our shaky position," I replied evenly.
…Surprisingly, after hearing my response, Cersei's mood began to improve. I supposed blaming her and pointing out her mistakes would've only worsened our already strained relationship.
"I'll paint the full picture - we're in deep shit. Our first and greatest problem began with the execution of Eddard Stark," I said, getting down to specifics.
"I tried to stop him," Cersei attempted to defend herself.
"I believe you. But Joffrey is young, power went to his head, and so he decided to execute the 'traitor' for the crowd's amusement," I agreed.
"True…" she said awkwardly. Judging by her expression, this was not the Tyrion she expected. Her eyes seemed to ask: is this really the Tyrion I know?
"No need to look so surprised. When you come face to face with death, you change - whether you want to or not. And during my travels, I was within a hair's breadth of dying no less than three times. By the way, do you happen to know why Catelyn Stark suddenly decided I was guilty of trying to murder her son?" At that point, I couldn't help myself and pressed her a little.
"She's a Tully… they're always seeing conspiracies against them. Just like Lysa Arryn - she accuses us of her husband's death," Cersei deftly tried to deflect.
"Let's assume that's true. Fine, we'll drop the subject - there are far more serious matters. Unfortunately, we can't bring old Eddard back to life, which means Father is forced to hold off the enraged northern army in the Riverlands with only half of his army. Do you know what happened to the other half? Crushed by Robb Stark after they captured our dear brother Jaime. And let's not forget Stannis and Renly, who are raising their banners against us. Renly has the Tyrells and the lords of the Stormlands behind him, while Stannis commands the strongest fleet and has vast military experience," I explained, growing slightly emotional as I laid out our predicament.
"…And what are we supposed to do?" My words nearly drove my sister into despair. She didn't want to believe things were truly this bad.
"My first recommendation would be to drink some wine. All right, stop looking at me like that - it's not all hopeless. Stannis and Renly may hate us and covet the throne, but they despise each other as well. As for the situation in the Riverlands - Father may have underestimated Robb Stark once, but he won't make that mistake again. As for us, I'd advise against tearing each other's throats out for our enemies' entertainment. I'll try to find a way out of this situation," I told her.
"Hmph. Fairy-tale assumptions! You really think Renly and Stannis won't unite against us?" Cersei asked skeptically.
"I think I know people fairly well… Though who knows - maybe I'm wrong, and you'll have the pleasure of accusing me of stupidity, assuming we live long enough. Now, we should discuss the situation regarding Jaime," I continued.
…She clearly didn't like my answer, but she had nothing to counter with. And when the subject turned to her beloved brother, she listened far more attentively.
"Robb Stark has taken someone dear to us captive, but we also hold people who matter to him. As long as the Stark sisters remain in our custody and unharmed, we can offer an exchange," I said, relaxing slightly and taking a sip of wine.
"We only have one of his sisters…" Cersei said, averting her gaze with a hint of guilt.
"What? Don't tell me Joffrey's already had Arya killed!" I asked sharply, fully aware of where the little she-wolf truly was.
"What?! No! We simply lost her… she ran away," Cersei replied honestly, startled by my accusation.
"Well then… praise be to the gods, old and new, that she merely fled and not what I feared. Have you already sent men to search for her?" I asked.
"Yes. She's being searched for both within King's Landing and beyond the walls," she answered, putting on a show of having everything under control.
"Allow me to handle this matter. I'm very curious how a little she-wolf managed to slip out of the lions' den. I believe we've discussed everything and reached an understanding," I concluded, meeting Cersei's gaze.
"Yes, you've made yourself clear. You know, you've changed a great deal - you're far less irritating. I welcome these changes," she said with a sly smile, looking me straight in the eyes.
"A Lannister always pays his debts," I replied.With that, I left the small council chamber and headed toward my people to assign them quarters within the Red Keep.
Midday - and I already had a mountain of work ahead of me.What can I say? Welcome to the fucking capital.