Who knew running away, changing your name and starting a new life could be so exhausting. I want to collapse on the bed and sleep for hours but I'm afraid of what diseases I could catch if I touched that bed and part of me is afraid I didn't do a good enough job of covering my tracks. I prepared for this though. I knew I would only be able to afford the worst of motels and I knew there was no way I was going to touch the furniture so I came prepared with my own blow up bed and blankets. By the time I have the bed blown up and ready I am absolutely exhausted. As soon as I lay down I fall asleep but it provides me little comfort. Almost immediately the nightmares start, and there's no way out every time I try to wake up. It's like I do only to be stuck in another horrible memory. Memories of my childhood and then of him, the reason I left everything I built behind.
Finally I woke up for real, I don't feel rested though I feel as tired as ever and my throat feels raw, probably from screaming. My mattress slightly deflated throughout the night. I need to buy tape so I added it to the list of things to do today. Hopefully I can patch the leak myself, it's cheaper than buying a new one and I have to hold on to my money for as long as possible. Who knows when I'll find a job, I really hope it won't be long but I have no references, I don't want them calling and risking anyone finding out where I am and I can't really use my college degree either and have them find out my real identity. So I'm stuck looking for entry level low paying crappy jobs, great!
After managing to get my thick frizzy hair in order and adding a better conditioner than the motels to my shopping list I get dressed in my most professional clothes and take a look in the full body mirror. My normally blonde but now dyed black hair is pulled into pigtails, because it was too short to put into a pony, and my bangs that I dyed pink are hanging on both sides of my face. My outfit, dress pants and pink blouse could use some ironing but my blazer looks great for being pulled out of a suitcase. I look good but not so good I will get too much attention. I always wanted to cut my hair short and dye my hair like this but he wouldn't allow it because blondes were his type, and he didn't like short hair on women. It feels freeing to look how I want to look and it also helps disguise me just in case he's looking for me.
First I need to go to the electronic store and buy a new phone and laptop. I haven't had any devices since I left mine behind so he couldn't track me that way. I also withdrew all my money in small increments not to draw attention and stored it away until I had enough to leave, that way he couldn't track my cards. After that I head down to the local cafe to grab their free WIFI and make a resume. Once I order a cappuccino and get settled with my laptop out I realize I have nothing to put on this resume. I guess I will have to lie and just put in some entry level jobs with a high turnover and if they ask for references tell them that all my supervisors have moved on to something else. I sigh and shake my head, this sucks nobody's going to hire me, hell I wouldn't have hired me. My last position was on a salary and managing a 4 star hotel, it was nothing horribly fancy but I was proud of it and proud that I went to school and got a degree in hospitality management. Carter always thought it was stupid that I was wasting my time on a degree but I like learning and I was already working in hotels as housekeeping so why not try to move up in the world. Now it looks like I'll have to start that whole process again.
Once I made up a few different jobs that I've been at for the last few years all involving housekeeping, front desk or reception since those are still my strong suits, I started to search online for local jobs in Toronto. There are a lot of different positions but the good paying ones all involve a college degree. I note down a bunch of addresses to apply in person. I finish my drink which has now gone cold, pack up my stuff and head to the library to print off some resumes.
By the time I am done at the library it's pretty late into the afternoon so I decide to walk back to the motel and apply tomorrow. I stop by one of the grocery stores that is on the way back and buy some microwavable food. Carter would throw a fit if he saw me eating this crap. We lived off of it when we first moved in together and had no money but then I gained a lot of weight so he decided to monitor my calorie intake as soon as we could afford better food. He was allowed to eat whatever he wanted and have cheat days whenever he wanted but I had a very short list of foods I was allowed to eat and out of fear of me even gaining a pound, cheat days were not an option for me. I was still a fairly bigger girl but now I was more toned, stronger and not over 200 pounds, I also fit into most thing at regular clothes stores and didn't have to shop at plus sized stores. I almost don't even feel hungry by the time the pizza pops are done in the microwave. After thinking about how much weight I'll gain back, I compromise with myself and eat one knowing I need something in my stomach and throw the other one away.
I put on my pjs, sit down in my bed and pull my laptop onto my bed to watch a movie. Halfway through the romantic comedy I hear a loud thud on my door. I jumped so high I swear I almost hit the roof and almost screamed. I think it's Carter who found me and is going to kill me when all of a sudden I hear two men shouting at each other. I peek out my window and see them fighting right outside my door and neither of them is carter so I breathe a huge sigh of relief. I finish the movie hoping it will calm my anxiety and I will be able to sleep without the nightmares tonight but by the time the credits roll I still feel just as nervous and afraid. Nighttime is the worst 1. Because all of our worst incidents including the last one happened at night and 2. because I had a fear of the dark as a kid that this monster would appear and do horrible things to me and I thought I had gotten over that but now I feel like that scared 5 year old shaking under her covers all night just waiting for the sun to rise.
Eventually the sun does rise though and its a brand new day and time for me to start my brand new life. I again put on my most professional outfit except with a sage green blouse this time instead of the blush pink. I also have to find a laundromat today because sometime soon I will run out of clean clothes, I wish I could have packed more but I had to make it look like nothing was really missing out of my closet so over a course of a month I lost items of clothing or told Carter they ripped and slowly hid them away in grocery bags in the back of my car. I wonder if he knows I left him or if he thinks I went missing. I'm sure his ego would not allow him to admit I ran away. I shake my head and bring myself back to the present. I need to move forward and not think about him or the past. I do my makeup the same as yesterday, all the way down my neck to cover the marks but instead of pink eyeshadow I use green to match my top. I pin my pink bangs back today to keep my hair out of my face. I give myself a final look up and down in the mirror and a small pep talk in my head then head out to the first address, it'll take me about an hour to walk there but that's fine I'll grab a coffee on the way, listen to music and enjoy the morning air.
I did have a car but I sold it after driving to the buyer in Manitoba then taking the train the rest of the way. I needed the cash and even if I changed the plates I was worried he would still find a way to track me down. I think I did commit a crime though because his name was also on the deed to the vehicle. The walk goes by fast as I mentally prepare myself on what I should say to impress them so much they don't mind the no references and no schooling past a high school degree. The day goes by fast and I apply to a lot of places and meet a couple of the hiring managers, hopefully I made a good impression. The next place I'm applying to is the job I want most but also the most unlikely one to get. The building I walk up to is pretty big not a skyscraper but it has about 20 floors, it look new and modern. I walk into the pristine lobby over the black and white marble floor and right up to the receptionist with my resume in hand a smile plastered on my face. I don't even get a word out before she says " You here for the PA job?" "Yes" I nod excitedly. I'm about to launch into a whole spiel when she says " Top floor head right when you exit the elevator and you'll see the waiting area." Then she hands me a keycard which I'm guessing is for the elevator and answers the phone signaling that our conversation is over, so I just head on up.