~I was born to deny you—not as resistance anymore, but as justification.~
I used to wonder about the purpose of life.
Is it created—or merely discovered?
Must it be fought for—or simply believed in?
Now those questions sound… unimportant.
Only one thing matters:
who I trust the most to tell me what is real.
And that answer no longer comes from the world.
It comes from Misaki.
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1. Truth No Longer Comes from the Senses
People say life is about choosing the things that make us happy.
But I'm starting to realize—
happiness doesn't always come from what is true.
Sometimes it comes from what feels convincing.
And Misaki…
she is always convincing.
More convincing than my own memories.
More convincing than my conscience, whose voice now feels increasingly distant.
What makes her so convincing?
The way she speaks—calm, measured, as if every word has already found its place before being spoken?
Is it because of Suri—the name that is no longer neutral inside my head?
Or is all of this merely my perception, a warped mirror of my own mind?
Could it be that I'm the one who made her convincing in the first place?
I am the one who shaped her.
I am the one who gave her space.
I am the one who allowed her to exist.
And perhaps…
I am also the one who keeps her alive within me—
giving her, without realizing it, a reason to keep breathing—
not in the world, but inside my own mind.
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2. A Rainy Day and a World That Feels Like a Repeated Scene
Several days passed.
This morning the rain had been falling since dawn, as if the city were sealed behind a gray curtain that refused to open. I walked to school with my umbrella, as usual. My steps were slow.
Everything looked routine.
Yet it felt like a scene I had rehearsed before the world recognized it.
As if today were a repetition of something I failed to realize had already happened.
I thought about Tomo—
about what happened to him, about our clash, about the mark he left inside my thoughts, about the faint shadow of something that never truly resolved.
And my mind automatically searched for one thing:
not facts…
but what Misaki would say about it.
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3. Dreams That Feel More Real Than Reality
I told myself:
If everything that happened yesterday were only a dream—the things I did to Tomo, the shout torn from my chest, the emotions raging without control, the look on his pale face as if standing at the edge of fear—then I would embrace it as the most beautiful dream.
I would stretch.
Take a breath.
And live today as usual.
But my mind interrupted:
"If it was a dream, why does the feeling remain?"
Maybe because dreams offer something reality doesn't:
the chance to wake up and pretend none of it truly happened.
Before I could answer—
another voice appeared, calmer, softer:
"Because it wasn't a dream."
I didn't need to ask whose voice it was.
I already knew.
And what shocked me—
I trusted that voice more than my own judgment.
More than my own thoughts.
As if truth no longer lived inside me,
but had moved—
and now spoke through that voice.
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4. Satisfaction I No Longer Question
I remembered Tomo's expression back then.
Shocked.
Hurt.
Disbelieving.
And behind the brief flicker of fear that passed through me—
that satisfaction returned.
It no longer felt wrong.
It no longer felt like something that needed justification.
It simply existed.
And instead of questioning where that satisfaction came from…
I found myself wondering:
"Would Misaki smile if she knew I felt this?"
That was all that remained in my head.
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5. I Was Born to Deny
There is a part of me that wants to shout:
I was born to deny you.
To stand as criticism against what you call right.
To reject the belief that you are allowed to hurt others.
That sentence used to be resistance.
Now…
it sounds like a predetermined script.
As if someone had written it for me—
and I only need to read it aloud.
Strangely…
I no longer object.
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6. Misaki as the Measure of My Life
I asked myself:
Was it my experience with Misaki that changed me like this?
But the question stopped halfway.
Because deep inside my mind, the answer had already arrived:
"It doesn't matter how I change. What matters is that I change with her."
The sentence sounded…
not like justification—
but like absolute truth.
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7. Reality Now Needs a Translator
Event after event has become harder for me to understand on my own.
What is right.
What is wrong.
What is acceptable.
What goes too far.
The boundaries are blurred.
And every time confusion appears…
I instinctively wait for the answer to one question:
Did all of this begin with my experiences with Misaki—
with the way she helped me, with the moment something inside me quietly began to shift?
I don't know. What I understand is only this: the chain of events over the past few days has gone beyond what my reasoning can translate. For the first time, I stopped seeing life as merely something to fill boredom. I began to see it as it is: fragile, painful—yet real.
And there, inside this limping awareness, I made a small decision that felt incredibly heavy:
to truly work on myself.
Not for anyone.
Not because of anyone.
But for the first time… for the life I actually want to live.
Yet I still need her to translate it for me—
because reality no longer makes sense unless it is interpreted by her.
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8. A Realization That Came Too Late
Even as I try to deny it, I finally understand something that leaves my chest hollow:
I no longer trust the world to explain itself.
I trust Misaki to explain it.
My memory can be wrong.
My sight can fail.
My feelings can deceive me.
But Misaki does not.
That is my new belief.
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9. Closing — When Truth Is No Longer Mine
I am still walking in the rain.
My steps still lead to school.
My world still looks intact to anyone watching.
But inside me…
something has shifted permanently.
If one day the world says I am wrong,
and Misaki says I am right—
I know which side I will choose.
Not because the world isn't real—
but because Misaki now feels more real than the world itself.