I honestly don't even know when it started. Maybe when I was six?
Ah I don't care.
The devilish nightmares that no longer had me trembling within the demon's embraceful arms.
I had to put up with such a farce for so long.
Just going on being left behind by time stuck in the past.
I'm lost…
The sleep I loved so very much and it's comforting feels knowing that the more I do it, the more it becomes draining.
I'm just drowning.
Not because I don't know how to swim—but because I don't have the energy to.
It's all tiring.
And yet from the beginning I knew I was doomed.
I love the truth not because it's honest, but because it makes me face reality
I never looked at the good things.
I hated everybody and everything.
Letting the voices and thoughts grow.
Feeding into the negativity doesn't hurt me but brings comfort.
I was uh smart you know.
Yet not because I was just so naturally gifted.
That was only part of it.
It was because I hated knowing there was someone better than me.
When it came to things like athleticism and sports, or good looks and appearance, I never cared.
False…
But knowing that there is someone better than me when it comes to the mind and intelligence.
I hated that.
How could I let someone be better than me at the one thing I truly only had?
My insecurities grew. Everything hurts.
Yet the image I portrayed did not show the truth of me behind the wall I put up.
I had nowhere to belong.
At home it wasn't good.
The so-called parental affection I just got to the point where it only disgusted me.
I could care less about those whom I have blood ties to.
For good reason of course.
Never trust a den of snakes.
Not because they bite back, but because when threatened they get defensive.
Yet when they smelt blood, they swarmed like sharks during feeding time.
That's how I learned to never shed a tear once again.
Never show weakness.
And keep your struggles to yourself.
Sadly, I'm only a hypocrite in the face of my own ideologies and values.
And then of course there was I, the one in which I truly hated the most.
Knowing imperfections, and what makes you ugly.
How could you continue not letting the thoughts eat you up?
And when I mean by ugly I mean besides physical appearance…
My mind.
The mindset I carried.
I never once lived for me.
Only for others.
So and so sayings knowing the price I had to pay for being born into this world as a man.
It's all a charade.
Hey don't get me wrong, I'm not saying it's not harder being a woman, I'm just fitting this to be what I thought.
Not that it was much.
Just a ramble of mines.
When I was young, even though I still am, minority by the way, just a tad bit younger.
Those dreadful eyes I carried.
While playing the mime and letting the treacherous fool embrace me. So I didn't have to deal with the annoyance of company.
Good thing o was the dealer and not the player, I rigged it from the start.
I had no means to socialize.
I had deep despair and hatred for the needy people of my race and species.
Strong connections meant nothing.
But this is me we're talking about heh, I just live paying karma in full…
You know the feeling of liking loneliness while missing the embrace of others.
Or whatever it's called.
Contradicted my mind of isolation.
I had no tree to fall from.
I was just rotten from the core.
No fruitful seeds could flourish within this empty apple.
I mark this day one of being wishful.
Scars have paved the way, learn to abandon all clauses and attachments, just give up… only then can the weight of societal views truly disappear.
Nothing to hold you back, no more chains, no more cage.
Heh, funny enough that it was I who held the key. Not the guard.
Oh and this isn't some journal and recollections of an author's sorry account for life, sorry about the heavy moments for now, and let "I" speak for now, the rest will come soon. Just call me I for now. My name will reveal itself in character.