ROANNE
'I'm so sorry, Roe. I'd like to break up."
I woke up to that text, but let's go back a little.
I peeled my eyes open and my hands instinctively patted the bed beside me, but my
hands landed on an empty bed. I rolled over to check the time. '3:45am'. Definitely not
time for his morning jog, so where was he?
I rolled over to check my phone for anything, and then I saw it. The text.
I'd like to break up.
How British of him. I said that out loud, my tongue naturally rolling to form words to
mock him, and then flattening out. Remembering that he wasn't here.
Scott Weston.
I was so sure he was going to propose to me this weekend, but then he just up and
disappeared, and sent me that one text. Of course I tried to call him immediately, but he
either blocked me or his phone was dead. If this wasn't a dream, then it's probably the
former.
Fast forward to present -which is just about 30 minutes after I saw the text- I'm sitting
on the balcony chair, staring at the dark sky. I can almost hear Scott telling me it's too
cold to be outside right now, and that I should get in, shut the door and come cuddle.
We'd never had sex, but we cuddled. A lot. This is our apartment. Well technically, it's my
name on the papers, but he got it for us both just about 4 months into dating. It was
closer to Church than my condo anyway, so I didn't argue. Picking up the phone I threw
at the floor in anger, I swipe my cold fingers on the cracked screen and open the
'Calendar' app. There's a saved event there. '1 year anniversary'. I've never been good
with dates, so I have lots of saved dates and alarms set on my phone, but even if I didn't
save this one, I could never forget it.
Exactly a year ago, Scott asked me to be his girlfriend. I don't want to get into the details
because I'd just cry and I don't want to cry, but anyways. He said he'd made reservations
at some Mexican restaurant and had somewhere to take me. Said it was a surprise. I
really could have sworn he was going to propose. I love him, he loves me, Engagement is
what's next right?
Except I was probably wrong. I've thought hard about it. We had our ups and downs, but
the ups were way more. We hadn't even had a serious fight in like two months. So where
did we go wrong? What did I do wrong?
'Where are you rn?'
I send a text and it shows just one tick. Yeah, he definitely blocked me. Somehow that
just makes my heart constrict and my eyes finally gather tears as I fist my hands in
anger. He can't do this to me. He can't. Nobody walks away from 12 months like this. A
text? We literally kissed goodnight just a few hours ago! He didn't even have the decency
to say it to my face.
Did he even make the reservation?
I scroll up our chat to find the name of the restaurant and I search for their contact
number online and place a call. Their line's switched off, as it should be. It's just a few
minutes to 5am. Obviously, they aren't open yet. I throw my phone at the floor again and
this time, I suspect it's gone, but I don't care. I just keep silently wracking my brain.
Searching through memories for clues, any sign that he was unhappy. I come up blank.
My phone rings and I run to it, but I deflate when I see that it's not him calling. It's an
unknown number. Normally I wouldn't pick the call, but my mind wonders if it's Scott.
Maybe he got up for his morning run earlier than usual, got mugged and lost his phone.
Then, the thief wanted to play a prank, so he sent me that text and removed the sim card
in the phone, because that's what they do when they steal phones, right? So now, this
has to be Scott. He has my number memorised, so he probably borrowed a stranger's
phone.
Satisfied with my theory, I pick the phone on the third ring.
"Hello" I literally sing into the phone.
"Is Grayson there?" A very calm, very collected and very British female voice pours out
of the phone.
"Grayson? Who's that?"
"What do you-" She clears her throat, like she was just about to lose it. Which confuses
me. "My son. Grayson. He's been with you for a while now."
Unless Scott has another name, this woman is mistaken.
"Um. Could you tell me his other name?"
She remains silent and I realise she put me hold. Imagine!
"Hello?" I call when she resumes the call.
"Lucas"
"Oh nah. I don't know him. You've got the wrong number, sorry. Have a great da-" She
hangs up.
Pfft.
Staring at my battered phone, I sigh. It was expensive. Scott would shake his head at me
if he was here.
He isn't.
The thought comes to me with a force so strong it nearly knocks all the air from my
lungs. My chest gets so tight, I can't keep the tears at bay anymore. So I finally let myself
cry. The tears fall hard as ugly sobs leave my lips. I just keep crying and crying. I can't
stop.
I've never been someone scared of love. I've always drifted to love my whole life. Never
run away from a good feeling. Bold enough to ask a guy out if I read his body language.
I've had my fair share of boyfriends – okay maybe that's a bit of a stretch- I've had two
boyfriends. One in my second year of college. We broke up a day to Graduation and that
one was mutual. He was Asian and he had to return to his Country. I couldn't go with
him and I wasn't ready for a long distance relationship, so it was the most rational thing
to do. That one hurt. Broke me for a few weeks, but I made my heart understand why it
had to happen and it did. Then, I was okay.
But this. There's no recovering from this one. There's no recovering from Scott Weston. I
send a text to Cassie – my best friend and go to wash up. I need to find Scott. He needs to
give me more than that. A text? Like, it just still bothers me how he think he can just
send me that one text and I'll just sit and let him go? No. Nobody finds that man and let's
him go. Not trying to sound like a simp, but it's fact. He's a literal gem. In fact my mum
would kill me if she finds out I lost him. Hell, I'd kill me!
Cassie comes by at exactly 7am. She's not a morning girl and she definitely has work to
go to because it's Thursday, but she doesn't let me say any of that. She just storms in,
removes her coat and sits me down.
"Start from the beginning" She says and I shrug. Acting like I didn't just cry my eyes out 2
hours ago.
"There's no long story. I woke up strangely early, didn't find him, got my phone and I saw
the text."
"When did he send the text?"
"Around 2am."
"When did you both go to bed?"
"Uh. 11pm-ish? Not sure"
"Hmmm" She puts a finger under her chin.
"Girl! What you trying to do?" I drawl, and she bursts into laughter.
"I'm trying be a little detective here. No but seriously. Are you sure you guys didn't fight?
Or you didn't say anything to hurt him?"
"I'm so sure. I literally spent most of our time together praying that I don't lose him. I
was careful, girl. I don't.." my voice breaks a bit as tears fill my eyes again. Cassie sighs
and strokes my hair.
"So what are you going to do?"
"I don't know. I'm thinking I wanna get on our bed and curl up and cry all day, have you
get me some ice cream and tissues and just let myself feel. But I'm also thinking I wanna
search the entire America for the man."
"I know that feeling."
Cassie lost her man earlier this year too. Except he was a terrible racist. Like, what racist
asks a black girl out?! It didn't make any sense. Honestly, I think he liked what he saw
but couldn't handle it. Anyways, he upped and left one day and I comforted her, but I was
low-key happy. I normally don't take relationship advise from her because I watched her
become a fool for that man, but ay, I'm the heartbroken one now, and I can't lie and say
I'm not a fool either.
"I'm not a huge fan of the former, but you're definitely not doing the latter" She continue
and I groan.
"Think about it, Cas. I know movies aren't always the most realistic, bit they're getting
better. Sometimes, we just need to do the chasing. We don't always have to let go just
because the guy wants to"
"Can you hear yourself? He wants to. That's what makes it necessary to let go. You can't
force him to be in a relationship with you, girl!"
"I'm not going to do that!" Okay now, I'm getting a bit angry.
"Don't yell at me! I'm trying to help!"
"I know! I know. I'm sorry! I'm just...I'm a mess right now and..." I burst into tears again
and she hugs me. I hate hugs when I'm crying. They make me cry even harder, but I don't
want to get her angry. She's literally going to be late to work because of me.
That ends the tears
"You should go to work"
"I don't have to be at work till like 8:40. I have plenty of time for you, babe."
"Don't call me that. For now. PTSD here" I cringe and she breaks the hug with a smile."
"I could have sworn you both were okay."
"Yeah, me too" I sniff, wiping under my nose. "Could have sworn we were more than
okay"
"You really want to look for him?"
"Yeah...I mean, I deserve something right? What we had was too precious to just end it
with one text. One text, Cas! Just what does he think I am? A rag"
I sniff again. Stupid catarrh that comes with tears. So annoying.
"Definitely not. You're my beautiful beautiful best friend. Literally the most beautiful girl
I've ever seen. Inside out."
"Oh please. Have you seen Marsai Martin?" I put out and we bought burst into laughter.
"Okay okay. But you're definitely top on my list" She corrects and we just keep laughing.
I love my best friend. So I know I'd never let her go. So, why should I leave Scott?
"What if he went back to London?"
"Woah. He doesn't live in America?"
"Well, he never really spoke about that, but have you heard the man? You don't live in
America and still maintain that thick accent. It's not just British, it's posh. All he told me
was that he was on a Sabbatical. I never pushed for more. Maybe I should have. Now, I
don't even know where to look. It's like; one second I have great knowledge of this Scott
whose my boyfriend, who got us an apartment, went to Church with me on Sundays,
worked from home, took great care of me and my family and then the next I don't. I don't
know his family or his friends or anybody. I never even bothered to ask. He changed the
subject whenever it got to that and so I just wanted to wait till he was ready to tell me.
Hell, I thought his family was dead. I just took what he gave me, you know. Now I realise
I really didn't know much of him at all. Maybe that's why he left. He realised how selfish
I am"
"Hey don't do that. That whole self blame thing, don't. If he didn't want to tell you, it was
the perfect decision to wait till he was ready. You did what anyone should have. Okay?"
When I don't reply, she places her hands on my arms and shakes me a bit.
"Okay?"
"Yeah. Yeah, okay."
"What's this?"
She says and bends a bit. She comes up with a card in her hand. I snatch it from her to
see.
"JJ Law firm and associates. It's a firm in London."
"Really? What else does it say?" She asks, taking it back from me. "Well, this is a very
boring business card. Just name and address?"
"Address? Maybe this is where he works!"
"He said he's an artist!"
"Right. He said that." I deflate a bit. "But, this isn't mine though. He's the only one that
could have brought it here. Maybe that's where he went to."
"Girl. You want to travel all the way to London to look for this company?"
"Yes."
"You think it's worth it?"
"I've never been to London. Might as well give myself a breakup treat, and it's not like I
can't afford the ticket. It's nothing and you know it."
I work and I make big six figures. I'm a financial consultant at a freelance consulting firm
and I'm one of the best. Which is why I get to lazy away on some days. I've gotten and
retained big clients for the company, so they see me as a jewel. I never spend my money,
so might as well do that now.
"Roanne. I need to be sure you're making this decision from a rational mind."
"I don't want to be rational, Cassie. For once, I want to think with my heart"
She takes my hands.
"If you get there and you actually find him, what would you do?"
"I just want answers, Cass. I deserve that much."
I'd also probably beg him to take me back, but she doesn't need to know that.
"Okay. Okay. I'll get going now. Let me know when you land, okay?"
"Definitely."
"Bye babe"
"Bye"
Immediately she leaves, it hits me. He said that last night.
"Bye, babe"
I laughed.
"Bye, why? Where are you going?" He remained silent for a few seconds and then
answered.
"Nowhere. Not anywhere you won't be able to find me." I laughed again.
"What are you saying? Did you drink too much?" It was his turn to laugh
"You know I'd never let myself get drunk."
"Shhh."
I said as he lifted me, wrapping my legs round his waist and my arms automatically found
their way round his neck.
"I love you" He said and I leaned down for a kiss.
"I love you more, English man. More than anyone in this world" His hand froze on my back.
"I know" He whispered, before closing the gap between our lips.
A drop of warm water on my hands brings me back. Except it's not random water, it's my
tears. I'm crying again. Ugh. He dropped that big hint and I couldn't even tell. I didn't
suspect a thing.
Ignoring the tears, I climb the bed, open my laptop. Thankful I still have a visa from my
last visit to a client, I book a plane tickets for London.