Chapter 22: The Root of the ProblemChapter TextTheo has a really, really shitty day.
CW: Anxiety Attack, Eating Disorder, Dysphoria, Internalized Transphobia, Internalized Toxic Masculinity
~~~~~Theodore~~~~~
The Root of the Problem
~~~~~Theodore~~~~~
April 27th, 1995
It felt like nothing was going right for Theo lately, and he had no clue why. Which of course just made him angrier and angrier and he felt like he was about to explode.
He couldn't focus in his classes worth a damn, his homework quality was dropping to a point he was lucky he managed to keep securing passing grades, and every hour spent studying or in the library with or without friends only seemed to make things worse. On top of that, his body felt absolutely and utterly fucking horrid.
He was starting to hate what he saw in the mirror. He started looking away at first, and then outright showering only in the pitch dark. Then he felt so restless standing up to use the loo that he had to sit down just to calm his damn nerves - which of course made his masculinity feel a bit called into question, but he decided it was the damn loo and nobody was looking anyway. He started using a spell he'd heard the girls talking about - Epilate - to religiously remove the hair that appeared on his body, aside from atop his head. Every facial, chest, leg and armpit hair was painfully removed but he didn't care. It made his skin itch and crawl and feel utterly revolting, otherwise.
Then he started to flinch whenever someone touched him - even Blaise. His own damn boyfriend. He felt so sick once when they kissed that he had to excuse himself to the bathroom, and was lucky he managed to play it off as food poisoning. After that, he and Blaise had mostly settled for a less physical relationship, and that left Theo feeling relieved and Blaise feeling pent up. Which definitely didn't make things great as far as their relationship went.
Theo scowled down at his textbook before pinching the bridge of his nose. His thoughts were so damn muddled. He closed the book and buried his head in his hands, taking a moment to breathe before he looked up. Phoebe gave him a concerned look and a polite smile before she went back to her studies, while Ophelia was talking softly to Blaise and Tracey on his other side. Reluctantly he turned his attention to their conversation, but was careful not to look directly at them. For some reason the more he looked at people - especially girls - the more agitated he got.
"It was McLaggen," Ophelia said glumly, seemingly in response to a question. The only McLaggen that Theo knew of was the Gryffindor boy a year above them - Cormac, a total sleazebag.
"Seriously?" Tracey replied before she made a sound of disgust. "God, can that guy seriously not take no for an answer? Or at least give a girl some peace of mind? How often are you even able to be in your Common Room anymore?"
Ophelia snorted softly, "These days? Not very." She sighed a little and Theo heard a book close, "I'm starting to miss my binder - the security and privacy it gave anyway. My back and ribs certainly don't miss it."
Theo stiffened a little and pinched his cheek to distract himself. He didn't know why, but the mention of the binder irked him. Badly. Why? It didn't make sense. It was just an article of clothing - one Ophelia had used to hide her identity. Maybe he just didn't like it because it symbolized all that time she spent hiding herself and struggling. That made sense.
"Why not confront him about it?" Blaise asked, audibly confused. "Or maybe tell McGonagall? I mean, if the guy's leering at you that much then surely you can get a Professor involved, right?"
Theo's brow furrowed. Wait, was the issue that McLaggen was checking her out? Ophelia certainly was pretty, albeit taken now - even if it was tentative and she was taking it slow with Daphne. But was it that big of a deal? Theo wasn't the type to stare at people, himself - it was impolite - but surely she'd expected this when she came out? It would die down eventually… probably. But why complain? Didn't being able to be her true self make up for it?
Theo grimaced and stood up, hurriedly packing his things.
"Woah, what's the rush, babe?" Blaise asked, reaching to touch Theo's arm. He yanked his arm out of Blaise's grasp as he flinched, before pursing his lips shut and slamming the rest of his stuff into his bag and running.
He didn't really know where he was going. He just needed to get away. The Library had started to feel like it was closing in. He needed air. He needed to breathe and be away. His vision felt faint and he was gasping for air before he barreled out a set of doors and onto the grass on the outside. He made it maybe twenty meters around the castle before he bent over double and puked into the bushes. He groaned a little and puked again, emptying what little contents his stomach had left after upending the majority of his lunch. He gagged on the taste and swiftly cast a cleaning charm on his mouth before spelling the mess away.
He braced himself on the side of the castle for a few more paces before pressing his back against it and slumping to the ground. His mousy-brown curls hung in a sweaty mess around his head, damp and smelling of sweat and his body odor - despite the fact that every day he cleaned his body so much in the shower that his skin was rubbed red and raw. He cast the spells to clean off his body, removing the sweat and grime, adding a haphazardly chosen citrus scent and cleansing his hair heavily before he ran his fingers through it to push it out of the way. He was still heaving for air, and his clothes… no, his skin felt like it was on fire. Like it was torturing him.
It kept screaming to him that something was wrong. But he couldn't find out what. Madam Pomfrey had said his only health issue was immense stress levels, but otherwise he was a 'perfectly healthy young man'. He agreed. He didn't have an Adam's apple yet, but that was fine. His shoulders had grown a little, his voice was gradually deepening, he had gotten a bit taller, and while he kept magicking it all away he was growing body and facial hair.
So what the hell was wrong with him?
~~~~~Theodore~~~~~
It was time for dinner. Theo didn't go. He didn't want to eat anyway. He didn't want to deal with the stares of his friends, the possibility of bumping shoulders or anything with anyone, and the idea of being seen by Blaise made him have to fight not to dry heave.
He didn't get it.
He used to like being touched by his friends - well, appropriately of course. Even when he'd had a dance with Blaise at the Ball he'd loved it - at worst the touch of a hand on his waist made him shudder a bit, but that had to have been just nerves or expectation. The first kiss they'd had a few weeks later had overjoyed him… but then they started to suck.
Soon the kisses became a chore, and then revolting. He hated the feeling of kissing Blaise, and had started discreetly cleansing his mouth every time. He was almost certain he still loved Blaise - his emotions hadn't changed, after all. The only things he hated were the physical touch. He still liked talking to Blaise, and complimenting him - he even usually liked the compliments he got in turn, but the ones about how 'strong' and 'masculine' he was were starting to wear. Blaise wanted Theo to take a dominant role in their relationship - and Theo didn't mind it at first. Organizing dates, initiating contact, it had all been fine… at first.
But then the feelings began. They started sometime around the Second Task. The disgust, the self-hate, the anxiety and paranoia… it all was becoming suffocating. He shuddered and gripped his biceps tightly - hard enough he knew there'd be bruises later, but didn't care.
"Hey," a voice called over, and Theo turned to see Pansy. The only girl in their year besides Daphne who was taller than he was, standing at 6'4". She sat a respectable distance away, looking at him thoughtfully. "You look like shit."
He snorted and rolled his eyes, "Gee, you think?" He huffed but just drew his legs up and rested first his arms on them, then his head on his folded arms. "... I think something's wrong with me," he muttered after a few moments of silence.
Pansy hummed, "Maybe you're hungry? It is dinnertime, you know." Theo gave her a look and she shrugged, "Juuuuust checkin'." She sighed and looked up at the evening sky, "Wanna talk about it?"
Theo shook his head, "Not really. My body just feels fucked up. Madam Pomfrey says I'm fine, so maybe I'm just anxious or somethin'. That Third Task is coming up." As he said it, he knew his problem had nothing to do with the Third Task. This was something else, but whatever it was he had no clue.
"Hmm," Pansy hummed, and he saw her tilt her head. "Something to do with Blaise? You two have been pretty stiff with each other lately."
Theo sighed and rubbed his eyes, "Blaise is… fine. We're fine. He's great - total gentleman. Gives me compliments, attention, time… I do the same whenever I can, but my head is just… messed up lately, you know? I feel like I'm a total mess, but haven't the foggiest why.It's a complete mystery." He blew some air and shook his head, "I… I can't even touch him anymore. Or anyone. I just…"
"Freeze up?" Pansy offered kindly, "Flinch, freak out… feel disgusted?"
"All of the above - and more," Theo replied glumly.
Pansy nodded her understanding, "It happens. Maybe you're just growing apart? Not every relationship lasts. Lavender Brown had like… three boyfriends last year, didn't she?"
Theo hummed, "Maybe… I dunno. I still feel like I love him. I just… can't bear for him to touch me anymore. For anyone to. My body feels so… so…" He deflated and laid back against the castle wall again, "Disgusting."
Pansy snorted before she grinned at him, "News flash, Theo - we're teenagers in puberty. That's kinda what happens. Bodies are gross. Need I remind you of the incident where Millie woke up screaming bloody murder all because her parents didn't think to tell her about periods?"
Theo shuddered, "Ugh. I'd finally gotten the memory of her running around covered in blood and gunk out of my mind. Thanks, Pansy." She grinned at his snark and stuck out her tongue. "Yeah, maybe that's it though - I've been having changes… er, finally. I know, I'm a late bloomer. Bloody hate some of it though. Body hair sucks."
Pansy groaned, "Ugh, tell me about it. Epilate is such a lifesaving spell. Do you use it?" Theo nodded and Pansy grinned. "Tracey still plucks, waxes and shaves by hand. Mental, that one."
Theo grimaced, "Doesn't that take ages? I know it's less painful, but honestly I'd rather take the pain since it'll take longer for it to regrow and give me smoother skin than that. Especially since it just takes one spell."
Pansy held up her hands in defeat, "I don't know. Even Hermione uses the spell, and she's a complete bookworm."
Theo rolled his eyes, "And also one of the top three prettiest girls in our grade," he pointed out dryly. "You and Daphne are right up there with her, so I know for a fact she's full of it when she says she doesn't put effort in her appearance. She might as well be a fucking supermodel." He grimaced and sighed in disgust, "And then there's the rank-and-file pillocks like myself."
Pansy frowned, "You're not plain, Theo. You're actually pretty handsome." He gave her a look and she shrugged, "Okay, maybe you're in need of a bit of cleaning up at the moment, but you're not bad-looking. You just need a spa day or something."
Theo arched an eyebrow, "A spa day? Pansy, those are for girls." He ignored the odd disappointment in his chest, unsure if it was because of what she said or what he said.
She arched her own eyebrow, "Says the boy who uses a hair removal spell usually used by girls." She ruffled her own hair a bit, "Besides, a spa day is for anyone who wants one - boy or girl. You put effort into your appearance and care about it. Maybe you just need a bit of a pick-me-up."
Theo gave her a weak smile, "Thanks, Pans - but I think I'll pass. I… I'm gonna go to bed." He stood up, grimacing a little at the ache of his body before adjusting his bag, "I'm tired and don't want to bother with dinner. I'm just not up to it." He gave her a light wave while she looked concerned, but let him go back into the castle alone.
Well, alone… but feeling a bit better than he had before she'd come out and chatted with him. Silver linings.
~~~~~Theodore~~~~~
He didn't get very fortunate with his timing. When he got back to the Common Rooms, the others were there. He immediately tucked his head down and tried to slip away unnoticed, but–
"Theo!" Tracey called out to him, and he grimaced as he froze. His stomach started churning again and he made a half-turn, not really looking at them.
"I'm tired - I'm going to bed," he told them, hopeful they'd leave him alone.
"Hold on, Theo," Daphne spoke up, standing and taking a few steps closer. "Theo, I think we need to talk. Please?"
He clenched his jaw and gripped his bag tightly, but nodded. He saw Daphne's relief out of the corner of his eye and followed her - though while she, Tracey and Blaise sat on the couch, obviously leaving space for him… he took a nearby chair with only enough room for one, tucking his legs in close so his thin frame wouldn't give them ideas. He saw them trade crestfallen looks before focusing on him.
"Theo… is everything okay?" Tracey asked gently, scooching closer. Even though she was on the couch and still two feet away at least, Theo recoiled back into his own chair. Tracey looked hurt but he kept his gaze on his lap.
"I'm fine. Everything's fine. Just a little under the weather lately. I'll manage," he replied tersely, keeping his words short and to the point. He didn't like this. He hated this. He felt trapped and like he was under scrutiny. They were watching his every move, and watching his body. Damned if he didn't hate that.
"Theo… you're clearly not 'fine'," Daphne interjected, wincing a little at her own words. "I mean… you've been really out of it lately. You keep pulling away from us, flinching, losing focus and daydreaming… we're worried. I… is there something we can do?"
Theo shook his head, "I'm fine, Daphne," he replied, voice a little strained. He just wanted to go to bed. "I'm just tired. Really."
"Theo…" Blaise began, his tone a little insistent. "Why won't you look at me? You haven't looked me in the eye in weeks. You freaked out in the library when I touched you, I… what's wrong?"
Theo flinched at the last word, and gripped his bag even tighter, "Nothing's wrong, Blaise. I'm just not feeling well lately. Seriously. Stop asking. I really don't like having to repeat myself." His tone was a bit sharper than it usually would be, but he didn't care. They weren't listening and it was bugging him. Badly.
Blaise shifted his posture, and Theo knew he was agitated now. Bugger.
"Knock it off, Theo," Blaise said sharply. "Whatever this moping crap is for, cut it out. What is it? Am I not doing enough? Do you not like me anymore? I saw how you looked at me when all I did was touch your fucking wrist in the Library earlier. You were disgusted! With me!" He stood, clearly working himself up. "What the hell is wrong with me that you'd look at me like that, huh?!"
Theo kept his gaze down and receded as far back into his chair as he could, "You didn't 'do' anything, Blaise. There's nothing wrong with you. As I said, I'm not feeling well. Don't get angry about it. I just don't want to be touched because I don't feel well. 'S'all there is to it." He shrugged listlessly, knowing it would be ineffectual. Blaise was angry now, and he needed to be allowed to peter out.
"Oh, bullshite!" Blaise snapped, and Theo noticed other students were looking over. Well, he was already being scrutinized. Why not make it worse? "Let me guess, you 'threw up' again, didn't you? You keep getting 'sick' when I touch you. Don't feed me that hippogriff shite, Theo - you don't want to be with me anymore, right? Let me guess, you have someone else? Why not just fucking tellme?!"
Theo shifted uncomfortably in his seat as his stomach churned angrily. Theo? Cheat on Blaise? How could he say that? He loved Blaise - even if he couldn't touch him, he loved him so much it hurt. He felt himself start to get sick and looked hopefully at the girls. He saw Tracey trying to pull Blaise down, but he wasn't budging. Daphne was trying to skirt around, maybe to push him down from the front. He didn't like it. The accusation that he'd cheat. That he'd ever betray the trust of the person he loved.
"I'd never do that, Blaise," he replied, his tone kept a bit more even due to his indignation. "I'd never cheat on you. You're a good boyfriend, okay? You've done nothing to upset me."
"EXCEPT BLOODY TOUCH YOU!" Blaise roared, stepping forwards and grabbing Theo's collar. Within a millisecond, Theo shot his foot out and it connected with Blaise's midsection, causing him to groan and release Theo as he fell backwards, clutching his belly.
He'd just hurt Blaise.
In a flash Theo bolted across the room and to the Common restrooms, slamming the men's room door open and locking himself inside a stall before he retched bile into the toilet, followed by a wretched sob. He felt his stomach burn with hatred for himself. He'd just kicked Blaise. Blaise. The boy he claimed to love. He let out another sob and spat the taste of bile into the toilet before his stomach turned and he dry-heaved.
It was a horrible feeling. A desperate urge to vomit, but nothing to puke up. He shuddered and gagged, another sob working its way through his throat as tears slipped down his face. He pulled back long enough to flush the toilet before his stomach turned again and he dry-heaved once more. He was disgusting. He was horrible. He was an absolute piece of shit. A worthless excuse for a 'man'. He hurt his own partner. The boy he thought he loved.
'But he grabbed you - he got in your face and yelled,' a small part of him said. He miserably told that part to shut up. That it didn't matter. He should have kept a cool head since Blaise was upset. He should've grown up and not let Blaise's touch get to him so much if it was that big of a problem. He needed to be a goddamned man.
…But he was a right terrible fucking excuse for one right now. Locking himself in a bathroom stall, dry heaving into the toilet, wretched sobs escaping his throat as he shuddered and shook - frail and pathetic. Whatever confidence and reassurance Pansy had instilled in him earlier was long fucking gone.
He let out another broken, agonized sob, more tears slipping down his face as he muttered slurred and distorted emotional apologies to the toilet, wishing he could make it up to Blaise - that he could take it back.
He jumped when he heard the door clatter, but nobody was entering to see his ugly-crying face. He saw someone sitting on the floor under the stall's gap, their back to the door.
"...I'm sorry," Blaise murmured, sounding remorseful. "I let my anger take control, I… I'm shit with that, but it's no excuse. You're not at fault, Theo - I shouldn't have grabbed you like that. I'm sorry."
Theo said nothing, instead shifting so he stared at the locked door - at the small bit of Blaise's lower back he could see. He silently drew his wand and used it to wordlessly clean his face and mouth, so that he could restore his appearance. It wouldn't do to be seen showing so much emotion like that - it wasn't what a 'man' would do.
"...I know you're upset," Blaise continued. "You shouldn't be mad at yourself - you… it was a knee-jerk reaction. I fucked up, not you. If you're mad at me, I get it." Theo heard Blaise sigh and saw his back shift as he adjusted how he sat. "I… Daphne tore me a new one out there. Said I was being a git - she was right. You… you'd never cheat. I'm sorry I said that. I had no right. You're not doing well, and… well, you said as much - and this is proof enough."
Blaise was silent again, maybe to let Theo digest the information. He was grateful for it, but had now huddled himself all the way into the back corner, right next to the toilet. Gross? Maybe. But it kept him out of sight, and made it easier to not have to confront himself. Or Blaise.
His boyfriend kept talking. "Pansy came in, too. She, uh… got back just as you bolted. Kicked everyone out while you… yeah. Tore into me when Daphne was done… said if you hadn't kicked me, she would have - and lower," he gave a soft laugh at the end, but it was clear his heart wasn't in it. "I…" He took a slow, shuddering breath - and Theo realized he'd never heard Blaise open up like this before. "I'm scared, Theo. I'm scared that you're going to… to hurt yourself. You aren't talking to anyone, you're getting closed off, I– I'm worried. I'm really, really worried," he confessed, voice thick with emotions as it sounded like he was fighting the urge to sob. "You're… changing. I see it. You're nervous, anxious - you're more emotional, and withdrawn. You keep flinching and avoiding everyone, I– You've become a different person from the one I asked out… I… a different kind of man,I…"
Theo didn't know what to say… mostly because Blaise was right. He was different. He was changing. He wasn't sure in what ways or how, but he knew he was. Yet all the same he didn't know what to do. What was he supposed to say? How could he make things better? What would a good man do in this situation?
He didn't know, so he just sat there and listened. He felt as pathetic and worthless as could be as Blaise poured his heart out to him while all Theo could do was sit in a corner as tears slid down his face, he pulled at his hair and stuffed his fist in his mouth to muffle the weak, agonized sobs and low, hurting whines that escaped his throat - mostly in the form of hisses as his body continued to shudder and shake. He was pathetic.
Blaise took a loud, deep breath. "...I… Well, our friends and I both think our relationship is putting too much stress on you on top of your school work and everything. Maybe… maybe this was too much," he said, obviously fighting for a light tone even as his emotions thickened his voice and the door clattered from what was likely him throwing his head back against it.
Theo knew what was coming before it did. His heart ached and tore and he fought to scream his objection, but all he got was another hissing sob as he bit harder onto his fist - drawing blood. 'No,' he thought desperately. 'Please, Blaise - no. I love you too much, I can't do this. Not without you, Blaise - please. I can't be a man without you - I can't be anything without you. Please don't–'
"We need to break up," Blaise said with a sense of heartbroken finality. "I really wanted to make this work, but… I don't think it will," he continued, his voice soft but loud enough for Theo to hear even over the world-shattering pain of his breaking heart. "I… I can't be with you, Theo. Maybe because you don't want me… maybe because I want something you don't want to give?" He gave a sad, defeated sigh, "... I'm really sorry, Theo. I… I care a lot about you. I always will… but I don't think we can date anymore, I… you… you just aren't the guy I fell for. I'm sorry."
Blaise stood up and left, leaving Theo to pick up the broken pieces of himself.
He bent forwards, a soundless scream hissing out of him as he wrapped his arms around himself, clutching his sides so tightly his nails dug and it hurt. He shook and trembled with body-wracking sobs that tore out of him, each as soundless as the last.
He fought to take a breath, and it made him cough and sob as he moaned in agony. His chest felt like it was breaking apart. He couldn't speak, he couldn't think.
It was over. Blaise had broken up with him. He didn't want Theo anymore, even though Theo still wwanted and loved him… but he couldn't show it. He was weak, pathetic and helpless… and couldn't show Blaise how much he'd still wanted to be together. He hadn't even been able to speak a word to his now-ex-boyfriend's lower back while he poured his heart out to Theo.
He poured his heart out to a pathetic boy that was sobbing, retching and shaking in a corner, next to a toilet. He was a better man - a better person - than Theo could ever hope to be. Not with his emotions destroying him so thoroughly.
He heard the door open but couldn't say anything as he continued to shake and sob. Someone wrapped an arm around him, but his vision was too blurred to see. Despite how much the touch should have agitated him, all he could do was throw his arms around them before he sobbed and screamed soundlessly into their shoulder. He couldn't even make a sound to mourn his relationship.
He was pathetic. He was no man at all.
…He sniffled and clung tightly to the person who held him as his mind shook and ground to a halt. The pain hadn't gone - his heartbreak was still amply present - but it had stilled as the whirlwind of his mind seemed to latch onto his thoughts. Subconsciously he realized the one holding him was Pansy, and she didn't let go - since his shaking, trembling and shuddering hadn't, probably.
'No man at all.' Why did those words ring through his mind? Why did they feel important? They were, he was sure of that much. It changed something. Something key to who he was.
But what did it change?
He sniffled and tried to pull away from the hug, but Pansy pulled him closer. "No… just… let it out, okay? You're in rough shape, Theo. I've got you," she murmured, rubbing his back gently. Somehow the touch didn't disgust or repulse him like it should have. He didn't think it was because the touch came from Pansy, but wasn't sure what the actual reason was.
No man at all.
The words felt like they burned against him. If he wasn't a man, what was he? A boy? The wave of disgust that roiled inside him at the term was proof enough that he wasn't. He clung closer to Pansy and let out a shuddering sob as his heartbreak pushed against his mind.
His head was pounding as his mind felt like it was being torn into two. On one hand, those words felt incredibly important and like he would regret it if he forgot them. He couldn't bear to do that. But…
Simultaneously his heart still felt as if it had been torn from his chest.
"...It's all my fault," he whispered hoarsely, not sure why now he could speak when the person he'd most wanted to talk to had left after breaking his heart. "I f-fucked up so b-badly and I h-have no idea wh-why or h-how - I-I d-d-don't kn-now how t-to f-f-fix it," he sobbed, hands clenching and getting fistfuls of Pansy's robes.
She rubbed his back, slow and gentle, "Theo… you didn't fuck up. You drifted apart. You… broke up. It can't be fixed - not... not after that." She paused as another agonized sob broke through him, hearing it from someone else making it seem far too real as he buried his head into her shoulder, his body shaking with more sobs. "I'm so sorry, Theo… but this isn't just on you. This isn't all your fault. A relationship is two people, not one person. Besides… with how he hurt you in the Common Room, maybe this is for the best."
Theo hiccuped a little, "I… h-he… I k-kicked him, I… I h-h-hurt him. I… I'm a monster," he whispered hoarsely, hiccuping a little. He sounded hysterical… and honestly, he kind of was. He felt like he was being ridiculous and overemotional. Exactly like a…
"You're not a monster," Pansy said vehemently.
"No," Theo whispered hoarsely, another world-shattering realization leaving him at a loss for words. "I…" He pulled away again, sitting on the floor as he covered his mouth with his hand, another sob fighting through him… for a much different reason.
It all made so much sense now. Why he hated being touched these days, why he felt like he couldn't look at his body, why he was avoiding meeting anyone's eyes, and hated the idea of being seen or looked at. He understood why he didn't want Blaise to touch him - it was because Blaise wanted him as a man. He was right. He wanted something out of Theo that couldn't be given.
He looked at Pansy again, far too much now making sense. Even as his head throbbed with shattering pain, and his heart still ached as if it had been torn out and stomped on… even though he now understood why his body was screaming at him about its wrongness, and as his stomach ached and tore into him with how ravenous he felt now that he understood…
There were three words he had to say that would change everything for him.
"I'm a girl."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Egg Cracked. Congratulations. You're welcome. (Look, with Ophie in therapy I needed a new kid to traumatize.)
Your Kudos give Theo the love she deserves and your Comments find creative ways to slap Blaise upside the head for letting his anger issues get the best of him.
Discord: https://discord.gg/w5k4TfFRGG
Next Chapter: A New POV (again)!
Chapter 23: From Where It All StemsChapter TextPansy Parkinson is a really good friend.
Note: This Chapter and Chapter 24 run simultaneously, so some scenes will be skipped over and instead appear in 24 based on which POV I consider more important to the scene, but overall each Chapter will occur concurrently, timeline-wise.
CW: Coming Out Anxiety
~~~~~Pansy~~~~~
From Where It All Stems
~~~~~Pansy~~~~~
"I'm a girl."
Pansy paused as she looked Theo up and down. Wait…
Things started to click together in her head at a breakneck pace. How he mentioned using Epilate, how he was aware Hermione had to have been lying about the effort she put into her appearance, the fact he was repulsed whenever anyone touched him, his overzealous disgust with his own body, the fact he didn't seem phased by the discussion of periods, how he knew so much about grooming… and the immensely emotional reaction to a breakup. It all screamed one thing when she put it all together.
"You're a girl…" She murmured, realizing how impossibly yet irrevocably true it was when she said it. She gently wrapped her arm back around Theo, who was sitting shell-shocked. She was still trembling and her hands shook violently, but she wasn't sobbing anymore. "Well… that makes a lot of sense." She tilted Theo's head to rest on her shoulder, gently stroking her curls.
"I… y-you believe me?" Theo asked, voice still thick with emotion and hoarse from her sobbing and crying.
Pansy pulled her a bit closer in a sort of side-hug, "Yes, I do. You're not in any state to lie, and you literally just screamed and cried your heart out on my shoulder because your idiot boyfriend broke up with you."
Theo frowned and shifted uncomfortably, "He isn't an idiot. And besides, it… it's probably for the best." She deflated into Pansy's side and sighed, "Blaise is gay."
Pansy hummed, "Yes, and I'm demi. But that doesn't mean he isn't an idiot. He broke up with you after a fight in which he was absolutely the one at fault, and then he apologizes to you only to break up with you? Theo, you've clearly not been well lately, but that's a time your friends and partner are supposed to stick by you, not break away." She squeezed Theo's shoulder and gently rubbed it, "But I think what you need right now is a good after-breakup treatment."
Theo smiled weakly, "Such as?"
Pansy beamed, "Grabbing a ton of blankets and a giant tub of ice cream, camping out in an abandoned classroom, and getting you that spa day - you know, that girly thing?" She poked Theo's side and the other girl giggled weakly, "A girly thing for the girly girl."
Theo hummed, "Okay. I… yeah, okay." She grimaced a little, "Honestly I kinda don't want to go out there yet, though. Everyone would… stare." She shuddered when saying the last word, and Pansy guessed that being looked at exacerbated her dysphoria.
She patted Theo's back, "Don't worry. They all left for their dorms after I came in. Probably because I tore into Daphne, Tracey and Blaise." Theo looked at her in horror but she waved it off, "They shouldn't have confronted you like that. If they wanted to talk, it should have been actually private. But yeah, I scared them off, so nobody's going to stare. Now come on."
Pansy stood up and pulled Theo with her. The shorter girl was shaky on her feet, looked pale and even a little green, and was swaying a little. "I'd say before ice cream you need some dinner. Come on, let's get to that classroom and then we can call a House Elf, yeah?"
Theo gave her a weary smile and nodded. Pansy wrapped her arm around Theo to make sure she wouldn't fall, and then slowly they walked out of the bathroom. Pansy made sure her robe was wrapped around Theo just to be safe, and while she blushed the smaller girl didn't object - probably because she was too tired to do so.
It was only a short walk to the nearest empty classroom, and once inside Pansy transfigured a couple desks into a couch and helped Theo sit down before shutting and locking the door, appling a few privacy charms and then transfiguring some more desks and chairs into blankets.
"Ta-da! A girl's best friend when she doesn't want people to see her - a metric ton of blankets!" Pansy announced proudly before she began draping them over a slightly giggling Theo. She made sure to leave her arms free, but also ensured she'd be warm and comfortable. After that she turned around and, unsure what to say exactly, went with, "Could I get a House Elf, please?"
With a soft 'pop', a House Elf appeared. "Hello, Missy student Miss. How can Popsy be helping you?"
Pansy smiled at Popsy, "Hi, could I get a plate of dinner, please? Something salty and hot. Theo missed out on it because of… er, stomach issues. And can we also get a big tub of ice cream? Mint chocolate chip." She smiled inwardly at herself, proud for remembering Theo's favorite flavor of ice cream.
The Elf nodded and vanished with another 'pop'. Pansy grinned and sat down next to Theo, smirking, "So. Do you want to do a full makeover for your little 'spa night'?"
Theo raised an eyebrow, but was interrupted by the arrival of her food. She thanked the House Elf before it left and Pansy arched an eyebrow until she took a bite of the stuffed chicken breast. The slight groan of relief Theo gave made Pansy grin and the smaller girl blush, but she finished the bite in her mouth before answering.
She of course answered with a question. "What would a full makeover… be?" She asked, looking a little apprehensive. While Pansy answered, Theo ate her food - slowly but surely, which was good. After all the puking she'd done all day, she needed something in her belly.
"First we'd get you all cleaned up with a nice bath, and then we'd look at the ways you're ready to start changing your appearance. I know you're probably going to want the full nine soon - hormone potions, the reversal potions for what you've had happen so far, and so on. Makes sense. But for now we can do smaller stuff. We can lengthen and style your hair, get you a mani-pedi, paint your nails, makeup, clothes… I won't do anything you're not ready for, but I think you could really benefit from this. What do you think?" She gave Theo a hopeful look.
Theo looked pensive, finishing up her meal and gingerly wiping her mouth before she drank the water the House Elf had provided. She settled into the blankets and pursed her lips before giving Pansy an anxious look, "Okay, let's do it. The full deal. I… we can put me back after if I want to wait a bit before coming out, but… I want this. I want to… to try." She then gave Pansy a small, rueful smile, "But I think for now I want to break open the ice cream."
Pansy beamed, "That's the spirit!"
~~~~~Pansy~~~~~
April 28th, 1995
Pansy flipped the chair around and sat, straddling the back as she glared at Daphne, Blaise and Tracey. In her mind, at that moment, 'The Three Stooges'.
Theo had made her swear not to tell them about her realization, and Pansy had readily agreed - she wouldn't out someone, ever. Not even to their own friends. But she would definitely fix those friends with angry glares for how badly they fucked up Theo's psyche. She'd looked so happy when she saw herself in the mirror, and the tears she'd shed could only be described as happy and joyful. She even let Pansy leave her nails painted, and had Pansy teach her the hair-lengthening charm. She was so happy… and then that morning she'd slunk back to her dorm to get her things and come out sobbing because she saw Blaise. He was asleep… and the breakup had traumatized her that badly.
"....You're all pieces of shit," she said coldly, tapping a finger against the chair she sat on. "You drag Theo to a public area to confront him, don't listen to what he says, don't let him leave when he clearly wants to, and then you-" she jabbed a finger at Blaise, "-go ahead and yellat him, grab him, accuse him of fucking cheating on youas if he isn't the best thing that could have ever happened to your ungrateful arse, and then when he goes ahead and rushes to the bathroom because you've upset him so much he pukes and dry heaves, you take it upon yourself to think the reason I bitched you out was so you would break up with him when he can't even bring himself to say anything because he's so overcome with emotion he can't even speak."
Pansy took a deep breath and exhaled, letting herself slowly relax. She didn't want to lose her temper - much as she was in the right to. Loads more than Blaise had been the night before, anyway. "Look. When Ophelia was getting all reclusive and down on herself, you all practically bent over backwards to befriend her and help her out. So I know you're capable of being good friends and doing things right. What I want to know is why you bungled things so badly with Theo. That isn't like you three - well, maybe it suits Blaise, but certainly not you two. So spill."
The trio traded glances in an obvious silent conversation before Daphne eventually sighed and slumped in her chair.
"Theo doesn't really… talk when he struggles. At all. Ophelia did, at least - she didn't give us dismissive answers, either. We've tried approaching Theo privately and politely in the past. Not just this time, but other times as well, but he just… doesn't open up. He never has. We thought maybe a… bit more of an overt approach would work," Daphne admitted, running a hand through her hair. "The Common Room wasn't really our first choice - we'd rather have done it in the Great Hall so he wouldn't cause a scene…"
Pansy scowled, "And it turned out he wasn't the problem, was he?" She rounded on Blaise, not really hiding the disgust in her expression, "What on Earth were you thinking? Honestly, Blaise - Theo? Cheat on you? First off and foremost, I'll admit that as far as character and moral fiber goes he's so far out of your league it's embarrassing - but on top of that you literally asked him out after he'd had his heart broken after he made an awkward and failed attempt to ask Ophelia to the Ball. He felt indebted to you. Wasn't it obvious? Or is your head stuck so far into the sand that you're just utterly incapable of understanding what's happening right in front of you?"
Blaise shifted uncomfortably in his seat and couldn't meet Pansy's eyes. "I…" He grimaced and grasped his own biceps, "He… he didn't let me touch him, at all… he started getting sick when we kissed… I assumed it was guilt. Madre said that whenever a man is guilty, he won't let his partner touch him. I just assumed…"
Pansy took a slow, deep breath and internally counted down from five so that she wouldn't scream at him - mostly because from her perspective, Theo's reactions matched not only with the dysphoria that was her actual struggle, but also with victims of a certain kind of assault. While that was mercifully not the case, if it had been then Pansy would have just outright murdered Blaise.
When she opened her eyes, he flinched under her glare. "Exactly. You assumed. Assumption makes a fool of everyone. If he was getting sick and such when you kissed? Maybe take him aside and gently ask him what is going on in private. It was something between the two of you and the two of you alone - or at least it should have been until you went and broke his goddamn heart!" She took another breath to abate her seething anger, even as her hands tightly clenched the sides of her chair's back. "Also, if Theo says he needs to be left alone? Then fuck, just leave him alone! Don't keep pushing and pressing! That's how you hurt people! Did it work with Ophelia? Yeah! Because you cornered her! I wouldn't be surprised if she had to bring that shit up with her therapist!"
Tracey looked hurt, "But… but we helped her, I–"
Pansy pinched the bridge of her nose and exhaled slowly. "I'm not saying you didn't, okay? I'm saying that… Well, there's a mundane saying. 'The road to Hell is paved with good intentions.' That means it doesn't matter how nice you are if you don't think things through." She sighed and buried her face in her hands. Since when had she become the therapist and guidance counselor for these three idiots? Oh, right - since she got sick and tired of that prick Draco and realized Theo was the only other Slytherin in her year with half a brain.
These three would probably do just as well if they didn't seem damnably intent on sharing a single brain cell.
Pansy lifted her legs so she sat cross-legged on the chair, studying the trio. "Look… I won't say you should stay away from Theo - he cares a lot about you three. But you need to do better. He deserves that much from you. Yes, he closes off about himself but he's been a really good friend to you guys! He… he deserves better, okay?" She sighed and mussed her hair, trying to sort her thoughts. "Can you just… give him some space? Just… let him be for a bit. He's a mess right now, and he's going to be for a little while. Don't push, and… when he finally approaches you… He damn well better get a really, reallyheartfelt apology. Okay? Can you promise me that?"
The trio exchanged pained looks, but nodded.
"I… yeah, okay," Blaise replied, sinking further into his chair. "Mio Dio… I'm an idiot," he mumbled, burying his head in his hands. Pansy agreed wholeheartedly.
Daphne grimaced, "Can… can you still… stay with him? For… for him, not us. You're… well, right now you're a much better friend to him than we are. I'll ask Ophelia the same - she was really concerned last night after he ran out of the library…"
Pansy grimaced, but Ophelia… wasn't a bad idea. Maybe another transgender girl could help Theo come out of her shell a bit better - and honestly, who better than to help someone that represses their feelings than Ophelia?
"I'll stick by him, yeah - I don't intend to leave his side unless he asks me to. Honestly I only even did this because we needed to have this talk for Theo's sake. Also…" Her leg shook a bit as she thought, and she bounced the back of her hand against it, "I'll talk to Ophelia. I know you're dating, but Theo might not open up to her if he finds out she's hanging around him because you asked. Better it comes from me, okay?"
Daphne grimaced but nodded her agreement.
Tracey looked thoughtfully at Pansy, before offering her a sad, grateful smile. "Thanks, Pansy… for knocking some sense into us and holding us accountable. You're a good friend - not just to Theo, but to us as well."
Pansy rolled her eyes and got up to hide her faint blush, "I haven't the slightest idea what you're talking about, Tracey." She closed the door behind her as she left, intent on finding Ophelia and dragging her to spend time with Theo.
As much as she liked having friends, they really were a total handful. Good thing they had Pansy to sort them out.
~~~~~Pansy~~~~~
"Pansy? Why are you with Ophelia?" Theo asked apprehensively, immediately hiding her hands.
"Relax, Theo - I just brought her so you can hang out with a friend other than just me, okay?" Pansy said placatingly before walking a couple steps closer and bending down so only Theo could hear. "She doesn't know, I didn't tell her - all she knows is that I painted your nails to help you wind down last night, okay?"
Theo grimaced but nodded. "Okay…" She grabbed Pansy's sleeve, looking a little panicked, "Can… can you stay? Please?"
Pansy smirked and patted her shoulder, "Not going anywhere, don't worry." She turned over to Ophelia, "Sorry - he's just pretty shaky after… Well, last night."
Ophelia winced, "I'm sorry, Theo. What happened? I saw you run away in the library, and the others said they'd go with you…"
Theo looked pained, "Um… can we sit down? I… It's a bit of a long story."
Ophelia nodded and transfigured some of the chairs and desks of the abandoned classroom - seriously, why did Hogwarts have so many of those? - into what were distinctively bean-bag chairs. Pansy blinked and looked at her, "How did– that should be really hard, shouldn't it? All the little beans inside…" She went over and touched it tentatively, her eyes widening as she felt it was immensely soft and also very much a proper bean bag chair. "What the…"
Ophelia shrugged and plopped down into one, "Mahalu says I've got a talent for Transfiguration. She had Professor McGonagall start individually tutoring me a little bit. I wanted to try a bean bag chair, so…" She shrugged again, "They taught me. It's very much student-guided teaching, how Mahalu works - I like it."
Pansy shook her head before she sat down in another chair, and Theo tentatively took the third, visibly smiling at the softness.
The brown-haired girl took a slow, shaky breath. "Um… so, have you talked to Tracey, Daphne or B-Blaise today?" She asked, her voice hitching a little on Blaise's name. Pansy grimaced and saw Ophelia frown a little.
"No… they haven't actually talked to me at all. They even avoided me in class. I mean, I just worked with Lavender and Hermione, but…" She looked thoughtful, "Did… something happen between you all?"
Theo grimaced, "You could… say that. When I ran out of the library, I wasn't feeling well - I had to… er, well. I puked." Ophelia winced empathetically but didn't interrupt as Theo continued, "Talked with Pansy for a while, then went back to the Common Room alone… the uh… three of them confronted me. They didn't like how… reclusive I've been," she said delicately as her voice hitched a bit with emotion, and Pansy felt her stomach twist. Merlin but it hurt to hear this.
Theo's voice twisted a lot in visible pain, "Blaise, um… got mad when I just… wanted to go to bed… he yelled, um… grabbed my shirt, and… acc-accused m-me of ch-ch-cheating on h-him, I–" She hiccuped a bit but seemed to make herself continue, "I, um… k-kick-kicked him. It-it w-was a re-ref-flex, I–" She hiccuped and sniffled before she sobbed a bit. Pansy immediately got up and moved to sit on the same chair as Theo, wrapping an arm around her to console her.
Ophelia looked heartbroken, "I… Oh my gods, Theo… fuck, I'm so sorry. I can't believe they'd… shit, that's…" She paused and seemed to take a moment to collect herself, "For one, Daphne and I will be having words. Don't feel guilty about that, by the way - she's my girlfriend, but you are one of my closest friends. That means you're important to me as well, and I expect her to fulfill a higher standard. Especially with someone who is her friend as well." She looked thoughtfully as Theo still seemed a bit shaken and Pansy quite pained, "...There's more, isn't there?"
Pansy bent a bit closer to Theo, "Do you want me to tell her what happened up until I got there?" She whispered softly. Theo was still for a moment before she nodded.
"I'm sorry," she murmured. Pansy just patted her back reassuringly.
"Nothing to apologize for," she replied before she raised her head. "Mind if I tell it? It's still raw for Theo."
Ophelia smiled gently, "Not at all. I'd be a pretty big hypocrite if I forced Theo to talk about something painful when I already clam up about that, right?"
Pansy smirked, "I suppose so." She took a deep breath and sighed before she slowly recounted the basics. "Theo got sick with himself for hurting Blaise because he thought it was his fault - obviously not, but people don't think straight when they're upset. I came into the Common Room 'round then, heard Theo puking and dry heaving his bloody guts out and went off on Blaise. The wonderfully stupid prat-of-the-year decided that meant he should go in there and break up with Theo. Which only made everything exorbitantly worse." She felt her chest tighten as she said the last bit, "After Blaise told us, I… I yelled at him, slapped him and then went in to just… hold Theo. Blaise just…"
Theo had started to sob after she'd mentioned the breakup, and Pansy held her closer, gently shushing her and rubbing her back. Ophelia sat in silence for a moment, the words seeming to sink in.
She looked thoughtful for a long moment, and Pansy saw an immense array of emotions flicker through her eyes. She wasn't ashamed to admit the flash of anger sent a shudder of fear down her spine. Maybe it wasn't aimed at her, but the Second Task was proof enough to Pansy that when Ophelia Potter got angry, you got out of the way. Preferably out of the country. The girl was bloody scary.
Eventually Ophelia took a deep breath and let it out slowly before she gave Theo an obviously supportive smile, "Let me be up front and tell you that from my perspective, you were wholly in the right, did nothing wrong, and deserve the biggest tub of ice cream for what you went through."
Theo gave a wet-sounding giggle inbetween her sobs, "Pansy g-got me one of those. Mint chocolate-chip."
Ophelia beamed, "Your favorite - fantastic. Well, here's the neat thing about breakups according to the wise words of one Lavender Brown; there's never such a thing as too much ice cream, and calories don't matter when you're suffering from heartbreak."
Pansy snorted and giggled a bit, "Is she speaking from experience? I could've sworn she's the one who does all the heartbreaking…"
Ophelia shook her head, "Not her own breakup. Apparently Parvati and Michael Corner used to date, and Michael cheated on her with Romilda Vane and broke up with her back in September. Suffice to say Parvati had a really rough go of it, and Lavender hexed Michael black and blue and also stomped on his… well."
Pansy giggled and so did Theo, her shoulders shaking as she did so, the tears sliding down her face seeming much less pained. She sighed a little bit and Pansy had an idea of what was coming. She gave Ophelia a look to be quiet and listen while she remained with her arm around Theo, letting her gather up her courage and speak for herself.
When she spoke, it was soft but firm, "I… Something B… h-he said last night made me… think about… about myself. About what I've been… dealing with and feeling lately. I've had all these… these emotions and just… revulsions with things about my body. I… I didn't realize what it was, but… I-I was also jealous… of you, Ophelia. A little bit. I think I was kind of rude to you because of that. I'm really sorry." Ophelia looked like she wanted to say something but Pansy shook her head lightly. She knew Ophelia didn't blame Theo, but now wasn't the time.
Theo took a slow breath again, seeming to steel herself further. "I… I-I'm a g-girl," she said softly, but loud enough that Pansy knew Ophelia could hear based on how her eyes lit up with obvious pride. "I… I w-was talking to-to Pansy about… girly stuff yesterday after… after the library, and… a-and wh-when sh-she… held me after… um, th-the… thing that happened last night, um… I-I realized I'm… um, a girl. I… then we had a… a sp-spa night, and… it was fun. I… I got t-to look… pretty, and… I-I liked it."
Ophelia was beaming and she seemed to be squirming with visible excitement, and she seemed to work to calm herself before she spoke - probably so she wouldn't squeal with glee. "I'm so happy for you!" She blurted out eventually, smiling bashfully but proudly, "I'm glad you figured out who you want to be. I think being a girl really suits you, Theo - oh! Do you have a new name chosen?"
Theo seemed surprised for a moment before she smiled nervously, "Um… n-no, no not yet. I really wasn't sure what to pick, I mean… there's just so many options…"
Ophelia hummed thoughtfully, "Well… how about a flower name? Technically it's actually a tradition in my Mum's family to give daughters flower names, and… I know she's not your Mum, but you're like family to me, and maybe you'd want to share the tradition?" She seemed really nervous but hopeful, but Theo was stunned for a moment.
She seemed to try to speak before tears sprung to her eyes and she let out a small sob. Ophelia immediately looked worried and alarmed, but Theo replied before she could say anything, "Y-yes! I– I'd r-really like that, I– gods, I'm sorry, just– I didn't–" She gave a wet, shaky giggle. "Gods I'm such a mess lately. I keep c-crying, I– I feel so s-silly."
Pansy squeezed her shoulder, "Hey. When girls cry, it's normal. Not silly. We just aren't cowards like boys." She scrunched up her nose and giggled, which earned a giggle in turn from Theo.
"Thanks, Pansy - really," she said, a genuine smile on her face. "You've really helped me a lot in the last couple days… and besides, if I pick a flower name, I'd match the person who's helped me out the most," she teased, earning an eye roll and a grin from Pansy.
Ophelia beamed, "Fantastic! There's a lot of options to choose from, of course. There's Daisy, Rose… oh, not Petunia - that's my aunt, and you don't want that." She made a face before continuing, "I don't mind if you want to try Lily like my Mum, but there's also Iris, Daffodil, Azalea, Jasmine… hmm, not Lavender - that'd be confusing. Tulip, Marigold, Peony…"
Pansy grinned as she relaxed, settling into her seat while Theo and Ophelia debated the various names and tried to figure out which ones she liked best.
In Pansy's opinion, she'd done a fantastic job of helping her friend have a better day.
~~~~~Pansy~~~~~
April 30th, 1995
It had been two days since Azalea chose her new name. It suited her to a tee, and Pansy took great joy in using it with her in private - so did Ophelia, it seemed. Azalea of course seemed ecstatic to know her real name, but it looked like hiding her identity was chafing on her. They'd spoken to Madam Pomfrey after choosing her name, and she'd promised to procure the potions for Azalea - which was great! But she said she wanted to avoid a repeat of Ophelia's struggles, and asked Azalea to strongly consider coming out. That had taken up most of their Saturday.
Today was the day they put the plan into action, sort of. Azalea wanted to come out to her friends first - all of them - but that meant getting them all together. It also meant Pansy had to basically threaten Blaise to behave himself and not say anything stupid - as well as ask Hermione and to keep her girlfriend in check while Ophelia did the same for Daphne.
Yet all the same, she felt excited and confident. She was happy for Azalea working hard to bounce back so quickly. She was hardy and stronger than she gave herself credit for, which Pansy was proud of.
Ophelia said she'd get Hermione, Hannah, Susan and Phoebe, so Pansy went to get the Slytherins who were - conveniently enough - in the Common Room. She sat down with them, keeping her expression schooled neutral. Sometimes having a 'Pureblood Upbringing' had its perks.
"So," she began, looking between the wary Tracey, Daphne and Blaise in turn. "Theo wants to talk to you all about something today-" she held up a hand to stop them from interrupting, since they got excited at that, "-but not about Thursday night. Not exactly." They looked confused, so Pansy continued, "He wants to talk to you three - and our other friends - about what's been going on with him for the last few months. Why he's been pulling away, unwell, and the like. If any of you say or do something stupid, I am kicking you out immediately. It's taking an extreme amount of effort, energy, and kindness on his part to let you three be part of this. If you want to apologize to him about anything, it is after he says his piece. Got it?" They nodded in agreement, and Pansy gave a grim smile.
"Come on then, let's go," she told them, standing up. They all got up and followed, and she could practically see the tension rolling off of them as she led them out. Apparently they'd handled Ophelia's coming-out well enough after an initial fumble, so hopefully history would repeat itself, but better. She led them to the abandoned classroom she, Azalea and Ophelia had used for the last several days, and when they were inside she gestured to some of the desks and chairs. "Go ahead and sit down - I'm gonna check on Theo and make sure he's ready," she told them before slipping behind the curtains they'd conjured Thursday night to give Azalea a sort of privacy curtain when changing clothes.
"Hey," she whispered, entering the little area. Azalea was already changed, wearing the pink skirt that had quickly become her favorite, as well as a white jumper and a good pair of flats while she sat in a chair. "How are you feeling?"
Azalea gave her a rueful smile as she tugged at her hair, which had obviously been lengthened to waist-length curls - practically ringlets. Her legs were bouncing pretty badly. Pansy sat in the opposing chair and gently put her hands on them, which soothed her a little, but the bouncing didn't fully subside. "Oh, you know - just getting ready to come out in front of all our friends… and my ex… nothing special," Azalea joked nervously, but the way her hands gripped her biceps and rubbed up and down them betrayed her nerves.
"Hey, hey, it's okay," Pansy said gently, raising her arms to touch Azalea's hands and give them a supportive squeeze. "Ophelia and I won't let them say a damn thing to upset you, okay? This is your day. They're going to be supportive, they're going to love and accept you, okay? Think positive, you've got this."
Azalea gave her a nervous, weak smile as she took a slow, shaky breath that sounded suspiciously like a half-disguised sob, "Gods, this is so fucking scary. How did Ophelia do this with the entire school?" She asked, shaking her head in disbelief.
Pansy snorted, "I'm pretty sure trying to understand the inner workings of Ophelia Potter is a fool's errand."
"I resent that statement," Ophelia grumbled good-naturedly as she slipped in with them. She smiled at Azalea and held her hands out - the other girl hesitantly mirrored the action and Ophelia gave her a tight hug. "You're going to do great, Azalea. They'll love you and support you - promise. They care about you, and they want you to be happy, just like we do," she murmured before pulling away and beaming. "I'll go settle everyone in."
Ophelia slipped out and then Pansy stood up, holding out her hand to Azalea. "Ready?"
Azalea gave a nerve-wracked, weak laugh, "No, not really… but I guess we should go ahead and do this, huh?" She accepted Pansy's hand, and the taller girl pulled her to her feet.
She gave Azalea's hand a supportive squeeze, "You've got this. You look gorgeous today. That means you show them the absolute best side of yourself. So come on - let's show them Azalea."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Gotta love Pansy, gotta love Azalea, gotta love Ophelia. Best girls.
(For those who read my other fics, don't worry - the troubles between Daph & Ophie are nowhere near as bad as those between Haitch & Lav.)
Your Kudos tell Azalea she's got this, and your Comments admire what it's like to see Ophelia from Pansy's POV.
The Commandeered Classroom: https://discord.gg/w5k4TfFRGG
Next Chapter: 'Theo' -> Azalea's POV of the days leading up to her coming out.
Chapter 24: Which Way The Leaf BlowsNotes:(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter TextTheo's - or rather, Azalea's - perspective of the events leading up to her coming out.
CW: Eating Disorder, Heartbreak, Grief, Dysphoria
~~~~~Theodore~~~~~
Which Way the Leaf Blows
~~~~~Theodore~~~~~
"I'm a girl."
She shuddered after saying the words. It was terrifying how both real and liberating it felt to actually say it out loud. To actually admit what she'd just realized. But… it felt good, and in saying it she felt more tears slide down her face. Ones of relief that intermingled with the horrible grief she felt from the breakup.
That… that still stung. The breakup would probably sting for a while. She still loved Blaise, even though he'd hurt her so badly. Even though she didn't really have a right to love him, since he was gay. She felt so stupid.
"You're a girl…" Pansy murmured, shaking Theo out of her thoughts. She looked anxiously at her friend, whose expression was thoughtful. Then Pansy put her arm back around Theo and had the brunette rest her head on her shoulder while Pansy stroked her hair. "Well… that makes a lot of sense."
She couldn't help the immense sense of hope and relief that bubbled up inside her. She fought down the sob that threatened to break through, "I… y-you believe me?" She asked, hoping it wasn't a misunderstanding on her part.
Pansy pulled her closer in a sort of side-hug that felt really secure, safe and comfortable. "Yes, I do," she said matter-of-factly. "You're not in any state to lie, and you literally just screamed and cried your heart out on my shoulder because your idiot boyfriend broke up with you."
The relief blossomed further but Theo couldn't help her discomfort, "He isn't an idiot. And besides, it…" She grimaced as her earlier thoughts came to mind. "It's probably for the best. Blaise is gay." She slumped and felt like she deflated a little, as now she knew that despite how much she loved Blaise… he couldn't feel the same anymore. Because she was a girl.
Pansy hummed. "Yes, and I'm demi," she replied flippantly, as if Blaise's sexuality wasn't relevant. "But that doesn't mean he isn't an idiot. He broke up with you after a fight in which he was absolutely the one at fault, and then he apologizes to you only to break up with you?" She shook her head in a way that seemed disgusted, "Theo, you've clearly not been well lately, but that's a time your friends and partner are supposed to stick by you, not break away." She pulled Theo a bit closer and rubbed her shoulder gently in a way that felt comforting, "But I think what you need right now is a good after-breakup treatment."
Theo couldn't help the bemused smile that appeared on her face. Leave it to Pansy to suggest something that sounded both silly and wonderful. "Such as?" She asked, interested and a bit nervous.
Pansy's expression became one of delight, "Grabbing a ton of blankets and a giant tub of ice cream, camping out in an abandoned classroom, and getting you that spa day - you know, that girly thing?" She teased, poking Theo's side right in her ticklish spot, causing some giggles and a smile despite her heartache. "A girly thing for a girly girl," she continued to tease, poking Theo's side every time she said 'girl' or 'girly'.
After she recovered, she let herself lean into Pansy's side as she gave it a bit of thought. "Okay," she said. "I… yeah, okay." She gave a bit of a grimace as she thought about where they were. "Honestly I kinda don't want to go out there yet, though. Everyone would… stare," she finished weakly, unable to help the shudder she gave at the thought of being seen as a man despite what she now knew to be true about herself. Dysphoria, she supposed.
Pansy patted her back gently, "Don't worry. They left for their dorms after I came in." She got a bit of a wolfish smile, "Probably because I tore into Daphne, Tracey, and Blaise." Theo felt horrified at that - the idea of her friend 'tearing into' her other friends on her behalf, but Pansy waved her horrified look off. "They shouldn't have confronted you like that," she said firmly. "If they wanted to talk, it should have been actually private." She shrugged a bit, "But yeah, I scared them off, so nobody's going to stare. Come on."
She stood up, pulling a shaky and trembling Theo with her. Pansy's expression tightened, "I'd say before ice cream you need some dinner. Come on, let's get to that classroom and then we can call a House Elf, yeah?"
Theo gave her a weary smile and a shaky nod before Pansy adjusted how her arm was wrapped around Theo so it would support her weight more. It surprised her how strong Pansy was, though it made sense considering she was taller and more built than Theo herself. She was too tired to do more than blush when Pansy draped her robe around Theo so it would hide her from view - likely just in case, but it was still a kind gesture.
The walk to the nearest abandoned classroom was short and uneventful, save for the strong shake in Theo's legs as she moved. She felt immensely drained and lacking in energy. It was a shock to even herself that she'd managed to stand up to begin with.
Pansy swiftly transfigured some desks into a couch before helping Theo sit down, for which she was grateful. Especially with how soft the couch was - Pansy always was fond of good quality. Her friend shut and locked the door before preparing some privacy wards, and then she transfigured more of the desks and chairs - but this time into blankets.
Naturally she then began piling them onto Theo, though at least left her arms free. "Ta-da! A girl's best friend when she doesn't want people to see her - a metric ton of blankets!" Theo couldn't help giggling a little - and admiring the softness. Once again, Pansy's taste for good quality was showing. It was warm and immensely comfortable.
Pansy then called for a House Elf after a moment of seeming uncertain. Theo grimaced at the excuse her friend gave the House Elf, but couldn't help the small smile she had when Pansy specifically asked for mint chocolate-chip ice cream. Theo's favorite.
Pansy sat next to Theo with a flourish, a smirk that told of mischief on her face. "So. Do you want to do a full makeover for your little 'spa night'?" She asked teasingly.
Theo's eyebrow rose in trepidation, but she was saved from answering as the food arrived. She thanked the House Elf and was about to put off eating until Pansy gave her a prompting look and arched her eyebrow. Theo sighed a bit before she complied and took a bite of what was evidently a breaded piece of chicken stuffed with cheese. She couldn't help the tiny groan that escaped her - it tasted amazing.
She blushed when Pansy grinned triumphantly, but made sure to chew and swallow before she asked her clarifying question, "What would a full makeover… be?" She asked tentatively, unable to help the apprehension. Pansy hummed thoughtfully and Theo decided to keep eating while she spoke, since it was easier to put food down if she was distracted. It helped that she'd neglected to eat so much today that she had room to spare.
"First we'd get you all cleaned up with a nice bath, and then we'd look at the ways you're ready to start changing your appearance," Pansy began. Theo couldn't help the desire that blossomed in her chest as she realized she could possibly start hormones. Pansy seemed to read her mind. "I know you're probably going to want the full nine soon - hormone potions, the reversal potions for what you've had happen so far, and so on. Makes sense. But for now we can do smaller stuff. We can lengthen and style your hair, get you a mani-pedi, paint your nails, makeup, clothes… I won't do anything you're not ready for, but I think you could really benefit from this. What do you think?" She looked at Theo in a way that could only be described as hopeful, and the smaller girl took a moment to think while she polished off her meal and washed it down with the water she'd been provided.
She really wanted all of that… and Pansy seemed happy to help her. Plus… she could really use the distraction, as her heart still throbbed with pain from the night's earlier events.
She adjusted how she sat before looking back at Pansy, "Okay, let's do it. The full deal. I…" She took a deep breath, "We can put me back after if I want to wait a bit before coming out." She most likely would, but she also had no idea how she'd feel after seeing herself 'as a girl'. "But… I want this," she admitted, her voice soft. "I want to… to try."
She couldn't help the nervous, rueful smile that spread across her face, "But I think for now I want to break open the ice cream."
Pansy beamed as her eyes sparked with delight, "That's the spirit!"
~~~~~Theodore~~~~~
After the ice cream was finished and she'd been given time to bathe and then rest - or more accurately, slept for a couple of hours before she woke up - Pansy helped Theo extricate herself from the mass of blankets. She noticed a sort of curtain had been set up in a corner of the room, probably a changing area. There was also a standing mirror that had been set up.
Pansy grinned at her, "I got things ready while you got your beauty sleep. Changing area, mirror - and I set up some decent lighting." She gestured to the balls of light floating above them that illuminated the room in a soft, yellowish-white glow. "Now then, first off and foremost we should start by making your hair longer. There's actually a couple spells for hair styling. I'll perform them on you, and when we're done with the whole makeover I'll help you practice them all. Sound good?"
Theo gave a tentative nod as her trepidation returned. "I… y-yeah," she agreed, still feeling immensely nervous about the whole thing.
Pansy gently placed her hands on Theo's shoulders. "Relax, okay? This'll be fun - and if you decide you don't like it, we can stop. But I think every girl - cis or trans - should have the chance to see themselves after a full-blown makeover at least once. Every girl is pretty in their own way, but being able to see their absolute best side is the best feeling in the world. I don't go for the whole nine yards every day, but… well, after I saw myself in the mirror at my first Ball, it was hard to not like myself when I could see it, y'know?"
Theo managed a smile, "Yeah… yeah, o-okay. Let's do this."
Pansy's eyes gleamed and she clapped her hands on Theo's shoulders, causing the smaller girl to jump and yelp in surprise before she was suddenly pushed into a chair. Pansy wasted no time getting behind her, and then she heard a few spells being whispered. Immediately Theo's scalp began to itch and tingle and she squirmed a bit at the feeling, but Pansy's free hand held her pretty firmly in place. After several moments, Theo's head felt much heavier than before and she let out a slight groan at the mild headache left behind.
"Sorry, I went a little overboard - but Morgana, you've got some of the prettiest curls I've ever seen. The spell can cause a headache, but that's why usually you use a stimulant potion with it. Work it into the scalp and it makes the spell easier and less painful, though I didn't use it because I didn't know if this would be a change you'd want to keep or not. If you want to do this again in the future, I'll make sure to use some, okay?"
Theo nodded before she froze - the curls slipped in front of her face, and Pansy was tight. They were… pretty. Really, really pretty. They were also quite long. Maybe to her waist? She found herself a bit distracted and starry-eyed at first, but then Pansy shook her out of it.
"They need to be washed up, and I think it would be good to use some oils to make sure they don't frizz out or anything. Good thing I went and nabbed some supplies while you were digging into the ice cream - even better thing that Josie Hanscum doesn't ask questions," she mused, gently making Theo sit back. "Tilt your head back as far as you can - I've just conjured a basin to wash your hair in. Good thing I know what I'm doing. Good hair care is important, and I'll help you however I can, but you'll probably want to ask Ophelia about anything for curls in the future. I've got no clue how to care for those with how straight my hair is."
"R-right, sure," Theo replied, not nodding since that would be awkward with her hair basically holding her head in place with how heavy it was. She winced a bit when she felt Pansy begin to douse her hair with warm water, but quickly relaxed even though her head felt even heavier. Heavier than she personally felt should be possible.
"So… Theo…" Pansy began slowly as she continued to douse the probably very thick, very long curls. "Do you have any idea whether you want a new name? What it would be?"
Theo grimaced a bit. "Not really," she admitted, wincing a bit. Talking wasn't the most comfortable in this position. She adjusted her body a bit while keeping her head in place and it felt a bit less strenuous. "I think I do, but I'd have to think about it. Maybe we can try looking some up later?"
"Sure," Pansy agreed with a nod before she tucked her wand behind her ear and pulled out some form of product - maybe shampoo? She worked it into Theo's curls, causing a little bit of wincing but no protests. "Merlin,your hair is thick," Pansy grumbled good-naturedly. "Well, that aside, you'll be pleased to know that moving into the Slytherin girl's dorm - whenever that happens - will be painless. Daphne and Tracey are a bit chatty, but I'm sure you knew that. Moon and Perks aren't bad, though. They keep to themselves."
"That's… good," Theo began carefully, but she couldn't help her discomfort. "Will… will it really be okay for me to be there? I know he can be more than a bit of a dick, but Draco has a load of anxieties about whether it's okay for him to room with us. I know we don't think he doesn't belong, but…"
Pansy massaged her scalp a bit, probably to relax her while keeping up her work. It certainly helped. "You're overthinking it, Theo. Perks couldn't give a damn if she tried and with the way Moon was staring at Ophelia's arse in the second task I doubt anyone in that dorm is homophobic. Unless you're really about to say Daphne or Tracey worry you on that front."
Theo snorted a bit. "No… no, I guess not. Sorry. I just have a lot of… anxiety, I guess. Dad has all these expectations of the 'perfect man', you know? It's why I was such a mess earlier. I… I hate anything to do with being manly," she admitted while Pansy began using the water spell to slowly rinse the copious amounts of shampoo out of Theo's hair. "I mean, he doesn't ever belittle femininity - if he did I'm pretty sure Annabel would kill him - but he encouraged masculinity a lot in me. But I…"
Pansy laid a slightly damp hand on Theo's shoulder and gave it a reassuring squeeze. "You prefer being feminine?" Theo pursed her lips and gave the tiniest of awkward nods. Pansy patted her shoulder before resuming the rinse. "It's okay. I know better than most how it feels to disappoint your family by just trying to be yourself. It's not easy, but you'll get there."
Theo smiled a little bit. "Thanks, Pansy," she murmured, relaxing more as the rinse finished up.
"Don't mention it. Alright, I'm going to try some conditioner next, and then your hair needs drying. After that we can do an oil treatment and work on getting you a new outfit," she said with a light tone before pulling out the second product and working it into Theo's hair. It felt a bit rougher this time, but Pansy was being gentle so it wasn't too bad. Probably just some tangles.
"This is… nice," Theo admitted with a tiny blush. "Just… all of it. Thanks for this, Pansy. It… it's really nice of you."
Pansy gave her a lazy smile as she began slowly working the conditioner further through her curls. "'Course. I'm just glad I could help you out some. We've been friends for three years, but I couldn't really help you before. Don't get me wrong, Trace and Daph are great, but they're weirdly overprotective of you. Must be your sensitive heart."
Theo rolled her eyes, but couldn't deny that her two best friends had a tendency to be oddly smothering. "I just wish they hadn't…"
Pansy hummed as she finished working the conditioner in and then washed her own hands off but left it in to sit for a couple minutes. "Done that whole public thing?" Theo grimaced and nodded awkwardly, her curls feeling heavier than ever. "Yeah, that was pretty dumb of them. They might not have meant to, but that doesn't excuse it. Wouldn't surprise me if they get yelled at by Ophelia and Hermione."
Theo flinched. "Oh no, that- they shouldn't, not for me- I don't want to-"
Pansy took Theo's wildly protesting hands firmly into her own, holding them in place. "Relax, Theo. I doubt this will cause either couple to break up - so don't go freaking out. But while you're Trace and Daph's friend, you're 'Mione's and Ophie's friend, too. They care about you, and they definitely hold their girlfriends to a higher standard than that. Ophie has some confidence issues - though that's getting a bit better - but she cares a lot about her friends. Remember the Second Task?"
Theo's shudder was proof that she did indeed remember the Second Task. The way Ophelia glared at the judges and toyed with Bagman was probably going to be insurance that Hogwarts left Ophie alone for the rest of her life.
They should have done that anyway, but Hogwarts kids had a funny habit of being arses.
Pansy began sifting through a bag of clothes as she spoke. "So yeah. They're not breaking up, but Ophie's going to want to have a talk with Daphne. It'll probably be good for them, really. They're far too lovey-dovey these days," she muttered before pausing as she held a garment in her hands. "Well. Daphne's been lovey-dovey. Ophie seems content to tease and flirt with her but is surprisingly level-headed about the whole thing," she amended before seeming to have sorted the outfit out as she then looked between various nail polishes. "Now. Pink or yellow?"
~~~~~Theodore~~~~~
After finally getting her hair sorted out - Merlin, it took a while, but admittedly Theo liked putting in so much effort for her appearance - there was an entire half-hour dedicated to her hands and feet. She was starting to feel embarrassed at that point, but Pansy was clearly overjoyed to be able to do this for someone else, so she didn't object as her friend gave her a manicure and pedicure. It helped that seeing her nails - after another uncomfortable growth spell - looking longer and well-cared for on top of being a gorgeous shade of pink was a weirdly big confidence booster.
She was grateful that Pansy had given her clothes that had a feminine cut to them but weren't, say, a full-on dress or skirt. She wasn't ready for that yet. But the tighter-fitting jeans and the turtleneck that hugged her body in different places than the ones she owned felt amazing. Not to mention the boots Pansy loaned her. But that wasn't all - makeup was also on the agenda.
Pansy at least warned her ahead of time about the discomfort that came with applying makeup around the eyes for the first time, but her directions were easy to follow and she moved slowly, carefully easing Theo through each step. They were apparently going for a basic but feminine look to enhance her feminine features, which was a plan she certainly didn't have any issues with. Pansy also told her about each bit she was using - primer, foundation, blush, setting powder, eyeliner, mascara, eyeshadow, and lip gloss rather than lipstick. It was a lot, but Pansy promised to teach her over time, answer questions, and help Theo learn however she could.
Once all was said and done Pansy looked immensely satisfied as she stepped back and looked Theo up and down. She broke into a broad grin. "I did a good job. You look really pretty, Theo. You ready to see yourself in the mirror?"
Theo fidgeted, gently tugging at the hem of the turtleneck. "Um… s-sure? Yes. Yes, I am," she resolved herself, trying to raise her chin and stand up straight even as her nerves built up further. Pansy grinned and pulled her over to a mirror, standing her in front of it.
Immediately Theo felt like the wind was knocked out of her.
The girl standing in front of her was totally unknown to her. Her long brown curls were lustrous and shining, her nails were a brilliant pink that nicely matched the slight blush to her cheeks and the pinkness of her lips, which shone with the gloss on them. There was the hint of a natural pout to her lips, and her face seemed rounder and softer. She didn't look awkward and scrawny but slender and beautiful. The clothes sat only a little oddly on her body but suited her quite well, making her look so much more feminine somehow. When Theo raised a hand to clutch at her oddly aching heart, the girl mirrored the action. She was vaguely aware of Pansy taking a picture and smiling just before her vision began to blur and the first sob choked out of her throat.
Pansy panicked and immediately drew her into a hug. "Theo? Theo?! Theo, what's wrong? Is-is it not right? Do you dislike it?"
Theo shook her head a bit, "N-no, it-" She sniffled, clinging to Pansy and burying her face in the other girl's shoulder, thankful that she'd been told the makeup was magical and wouldn't smudge. "I love it s-so much. I-I'm just– I'm really happy. Thank you, Pansy. Thank you, thank you, thank you," she murmured, hugging the taller girl as tightly as she could. "I-I never thought… I never thought I could be so pretty, I… thank you." She wished there were better ways to show her gratitude. To explain how immensely happy she felt. The immense bubble of joy that was inside and had burst, letting the emotions out in one massive tidal wave. She felt like herself for the first time ever. It felt like she'd been wearing an ugly, horrible mask all her life and Pansy had just taken it off for her and helped her see the beautiful girl underneath.
Pansy gently stroked her hair, holding her close. "I'm happy for you, Tee," she murmured, slipping into a nickname that certainly felt better than Theo's birth name. "I'm glad I could help. You deserve to know how beautiful you are - you deserve to see the girl you are inside," she murmured, gently rubbing Theo's back in a way that calmed her immensely.
"Thank you," she sobbed, feeling like she was going to crumble under the flood of emotions going through her. Sadness, heartbreak, and grief at her lost relationship with Blaise, joy and overwhelming happiness at the realization that she was a girl, and a mixture of emotions she did and didn't know at the sight of herself looking so… so… feminine. It felt so impossibly right. She was a girl, and she loved looking girly. She felt more like herself than any of the events of the night had left her feeling.
So… she cried, sobbing tears of sadness and joy, as the girl who had proven herself an absolutely amazing friend held her and told her how happy she was for Theo, and how proud she was of her.
~~~~~Theodore~~~~~
April 28th, 1995
Telling Ophelia everything was pretty draining and exhausting. She'd never realized how tiring it was to talk about her emotions and feelings - and addressing her first ever breakup (which had been spectacularly awful) was hardly pleasant by any stretch of the imagination.
She knew logically that coming out to Ophelia would be fine. Ophelia herself was trans. There was literally noreason to expect a negative reaction, but all the same she'd shaken and trembled when telling Ophelia about how she'd realized she was a girl, and the subsequent 'spa night'. She couldn't help tearing up a bit as her anxieties and fears took hold when she gave voice to feelings she'd been repressing for years in order to build the perfect mask. Telling Pansy was one thing - it hadn't even been intentional. The immediate acceptance had helped, but now she was doing it again with someone else. On purpose. She felt like her heart was going to slam out of her chest. She wasn't even wholly aware of what words she was using because of how badly she was shaking even in Pansy's supportive hold.
But then Ophelia's reaction shook her out of her fear and panic.
"I'm so happy for you!" She blurted out, causing Theo to startle. Ophelia gave her a sheepish smile, but seemed a bit proud. "I'm glad you figured out who you want to be. I think being a girl really suits you, Theo - oh! Do you have a new name chosen?"
Theo took a moment to compose herself before a small, relieved smile appeared on her face. She was worried for nothing, just like she thought. Ophelia was an amazing friend, and Merlin, if she didn't feel lucky to have her. She'd have to thank Daphne for running into her in the Owlery.
"Um… n-no. No, not yet," she began, her nerves relaxing as she sat a little straighter. "I really wasn't sure what to pick," she admitted. "I mean… there's just so many options…" she trailed off, thinking about the dozens of names that had run through her mind when Pansy asked the same question. A new name was such a big deal, and she was more than a little anxious about choosing one.
Ophelia didn't seem fazed as she gave a thoughtful hum. "Well… how about a flower name?" She suggested. "Technically it's actually a tradition in my Mum's family to give daughters flower names, and… I know she's not yourMum, but you're like family to me, and maybe you'd like to share the tradition?" She asked hopefully, visibly nervous as she bit her lip and looked at Theo.
Family. Ophelia considered her family. More importantly, she wanted to include Theo in a tradition that came from her Mum - a memory of her Mum, and evidently she wanted to share it with Theo. She felt overwhelmed with emotion, not really sure what to say. It felt like a huge offer, and Theo was… immensely honoured to be given it, not to mention touched. Tears sprang to her eyes and blurred her vision before she gave out an involuntary sob.
Before either of the other girls could fret, Theo blurted out her reply. "Y-yes! I– I'd r-really like that, I– gods, I'm sorry, just– I didn't–" She interrupted herself with a wet and shaky giggle, unable to contain how happy and touched she felt. "Gods, I'm such a mess lately," she mumbled. "I keep c-crying, I– I feel so s-silly."
Pansy gave her shoulder a squeeze, "Hey. When girls cry, it's normal. Not silly. We just aren't cowards like boys." Her scrunched up nose and conspiratorial tone made Theo burst into further giggles that Pansy joined her in.
"Thanks, Pansy - really," she told her friend in as genuine a way as she could muster. "You've helped me a lot in the last couple days…" She trailed off and gave Ophelia a big smile. "And besides, if I pick out a flower name, I'd match the person who's helped me out the most," she teased. She decided to leave it up to the other two's imagination which of them she was referring to.
Ophelia beamed as she sat up a little straighter and began to rattle off names. "Fantastic! There's a lot of options to choose from, of course," she began, sounding a lot like Hermione whenever she entered lecture mode. "There's Daisy, Rose… oh, not Petunia - that's my aunt, and you don't want that," she said with a sour look. Theo couldn't help but agree - besides, none of those names sounded particularly right or interesting. "I don't mind if you want to try Lily like my Mum-" once again Theo felt immensely touched and had to dry her eyes, "-but there's also Iris, Daffodil, Azalea, Jasmine… hmm, not Lavender. That'd be confusing. Tulip, Marigold, Peony…"
Theo tilted her head. One of those names… "Um, Ophelia?" She piped up, wincing a bit. She didn't like interrupting others. Thankfully Ophelia seemed unfazed and just looked at her curiously. "I… I think I liked one of the ones you rattled off. Um, before Lavender but after Lily. Could you say them again?"
Ophelia nodded, "Of course. I think the first was Iris. Is that the one?" Theo gently shook her head. "Alright. After that was… Daffodil. Was that the one?"
Theo hummed, "I do like it, but… maybe more as a middle name. The third one was…?"
"Azalea," Ophelia supplied, and Theo felt a warmth in her chest. "Is that the one?"
"I- I'm not sure," Theo stammered, a bit surprised at the warmth. "Um. Ca-can you use it to… t-to talk to me? O-or about me? I just. I like it, but…"
Ophelia smiled warmly. "Of course. I totally get it. Always good to try out a name to see how it feels. Well, let's see… Azalea is a really good friend of mine from Slytherin - she's a girl like me and I like spending time with her."
Theo felt tears spring to her eyes and slide down her face as she let out a happy sob. She couldn't bring herself to speak so she just nodded furiously in confirmation. That was it. That was her name.
Pansy pulled her into a really tight hug. "It's good to meet you, Azalea - I'm really happy to be your friend," she murmured, gently stroking the curls that had been shortened back to 'normal' after the spa night.
Azalea looked down at her pink nails, her mind racing. "I… I-I'm not ready just today, but… l-let's go talk to Madam Pomfrey… a-and… and tell the others," she murmured, looking up nervously between her two friends. "I… I want to show our friends who I really am. I want to show them Azalea."
Notes:Alright! Woo! All done on the parallel chapter!
Hope y'all enjoyed the euphoria and general happiness of this chapter. Azalea deserves nice things.
Discord: https://discord.gg/w5k4TfFRGG
Next Chapter: Azalea comes out to the rest of her friends.