Chapter 9: Shut Up, Meg!!!
Blue light erupted from Rango's palm, flooding the entire Egyptian exhibition hall like a brilliant tidal wave.
The towering Anubis guards who'd been standing sentinel at the entrance took one look at the supernatural display and promptly abandoned their posts, fleeing the hall with surprising speed for thirty-foot statues.
The scene had a distinctly comedic quality—like something out of a Looney Tunes cartoon.
Rango was getting concerned. Nearly a full minute had passed, and the system was just... glowing. No other reaction. No indication of what was happening.
Had the damn thing crashed?
But in the next moment, the blue light suddenly contracted, pulling back into his palm like a rapidly receding tide.
When it dissipated, four patterns glowing with faint blue luminescence appeared on his hand.
The spot that had previously shown the teddy bear now displayed what looked like... a sports car?
Seeing this, Rango couldn't help but feel a surge of excitement. He'd thought the available summons were too limited, but apparently when the progress bar filled completely, the system automatically swapped in new options. That was actually pretty clever design.
A sports car.
Looking at the newly appeared pattern, Rango's mind raced through possibilities. His eyes lit up with barely contained excitement.
If this wasn't a Transformer, he'd eat his security guard hat.
Bumblebee? Jazz? Hot Rod? Ironhide?
Rubbing his hands together, Rango took two deep breaths and prepared to initiate his second summon since arriving in this world.
"System, initiate sum—"
"ROAR! AHHHHHHH!!!"
Rango glared at the sarcophagus, where muffled roaring continued. He cleared his throat and tried again, speaking with exaggerated formality: "System, I hereby initiate the summoning sequence—"
"ROAR ROAR ROAR!!!"
"Oh, for the love of—"
Rango kicked the sarcophagus lid, sending it flying. The ancient seal broke with a satisfying crack.
Immediately, a mummy wrapped entirely in yellowed bandages sat bolt upright, arms raised like a classic horror movie monster.
The moment it contacted air, the ancient bandages began oxidizing and crumbling away in chunks.
Within seconds, a young man wearing elaborate gold jewelry and ceremonial Egyptian garb emerged, his skin deeply tanned, his expression confused and disoriented.
Rango, having seen the movie, knew exactly who this was—Ahkmenrah, the young pharaoh. But right now, he had more important things to deal with.
Rango pointed directly at the pharaoh's face. "Listen carefully. I know you can understand English. Be quiet. Right now. If you make one more sound while I'm doing this, I swear I will find a way to make your afterlife very uncomfortable."
"Uh... I am always a quiet person," Ahkmenrah said meekly, nodding with wide eyes.
Satisfied, Rango turned his attention back to the glowing pattern in his palm. After taking a calming breath, he declared: "System! Initiate summon!"
As if responding to his command, golden light bloomed on one of the four patterns, then began rapidly spinning among them!
Both Rango and the newly awakened pharaoh watched with rapt attention.
Sports car, dagger, lizard, doll.
The golden light cycled through them, gradually beginning to slow.
Rango found himself leaning forward like a gambler at a roulette wheel. "Come on, come on, come on! Sports car! Sports car!"
Whether by chance or divine intervention, the golden light gradually slowed... and stopped on the sports car pattern.
"YES!"
Rango pumped his fist in the air. When he'd first summoned Ted as a kid, he'd thought the system was somewhat underwhelming. But this time was different!
Once he had a Transformer, who in this world could possibly stand against him? Short of organized military forces, he'd be unstoppable!
He was already mentally calculating maintenance costs. Did Transformers need oil changes?
"Uh, friend?" Ahkmenrah spoke up hesitantly. "That light... it's still moving."
"What?"
Rango, who'd been celebrating prematurely, looked down at his palm in horror. Sure enough, the golden light—which had seemed to stop—was now slowly, inexorably crawling toward the next pattern.
And that pattern was... a doll with long, flowing hair.
Rango's expression of joy instantly transformed into a mask of existential dread.
He'd known his luck wouldn't hold.
Several agonizing seconds later, the golden light definitively passed the sports car and settled firmly on the doll pattern.
Rango's heart, which had been soaring with hope, plummeted into his stomach and died.
He shot an irritated glance at Ahkmenrah. "Thanks for jinxing it."
"I... I'm sorry?"
Rango sighed heavily. "Alright, fine. Let's see what fresh hell this is."
He turned his palm toward the empty space in front of him. A beam of light shot forth, and a humanoid silhouette became visible within the blue glow.
Please not Annabelle. Please not Chucky. Please not that creepy thing from Dead Silence...
A few seconds later, a figure stepped out from the light.
It was a young girl, perhaps ten or eleven years old, wearing a pristine outfit—cardigan, dress, white tights, and patent leather shoes. She looked like she'd stepped out of a high-end catalog.
But something was off about her movements. Too smooth. Too perfect.
"Good evening," the girl said with an unsettlingly pleasant smile. "I am M3GAN. I will protect you from physical and emotional harm." Her voice had a faint electronic quality beneath the pleasant tones.
"A robot? M3GAN?"
Rango frowned, recognition dawning. He'd seen that movie—the AI doll designed to be the perfect companion for children. In the film, M3GAN hadn't seemed particularly powerful. Her combat capabilities were roughly equivalent to an athletic adult, maybe.
If it came to a fight, Rango was pretty confident he could take her.
Still, she was better than some haunted porcelain nightmare, so he'd count his blessings.
Rango opened his mouth to offer some kind of greeting, but before he could speak, a beam of light suddenly shot from M3GAN's forehead directly into his chest!
"What the—"
Indescribable pain exploded through Rango's entire body. It felt like every bone was being simultaneously ground to dust while his muscles were set on fire. Every nerve ending screamed in agony.
He gritted his teeth, trying to stay conscious, but after only a few seconds the pain became too much.
His vision went black, and he collapsed.
"Mmm..."
Rango's eyelids fluttered. He slowly opened his eyes and found himself lying on a bench in the museum's security office.
His head throbbed with a dull ache. He sat up carefully, taking stock of his body.
Everything felt... different. Stronger, somehow. More aware.
He looked up to find a small group standing before him: M3GAN, Ted, and—surprisingly—Ahkmenrah.
"You guys..."
"You lost consciousness two hours ago during the characteristic transfer process," M3GAN explained with that same pleasant smile. "I transported you here to ensure your comfort during recovery, Master."
Her tone was respectful, but combined with the synthetic quality of her voice, it came across as deeply unsettling.
"Don't call me Master," Rango said immediately. "Just Rango. Or boss, if you need something formal."
Though he was disappointed he hadn't summoned a Transformer, Rango still managed a genuine smile. He'd been essentially an orphan since middle school. Gaining another loyal companion—regardless of what form they took—was definitely worth celebrating.
"And you two..." He turned to look at Ted and Ahkmenrah, who were both holding takeout boxes and eating what looked like pizza. "You guys just decided to have dinner while I was unconscious?"
"M3GAN assured us multiple times that you'd just temporarily fainted," Ted said around a mouthful of pepperoni. "So we figured we'd eat. You want some? There's still half a large left."
Looking at the greasy, delicious pizza, Rango's stomach growled. But then he straightened up and declared: "We've gained a new companion today! We can't celebrate with just pizza!"
He pulled out his wallet and tossed it to Ted. "Go big! Order from that steakhouse on Madison. Get the porterhouses, lobster tails, the whole works! And whiskey! The good stuff!"
He then turned to M3GAN, who was watching him with that eerily perfect smile. "What about you? What do you eat? Premium unleaded? Diesel?"
"My power systems utilize advanced solar charging technology from fifty years in your future," M3GAN explained, tilting her head at a precise 15-degree angle. "I require neither fossil fuels nor electrical charging."
"Huh." Rango nodded, impressed despite himself. "That's actually pretty cool. Very environmentally friendly."
After Ted bounded off to place the order, Rango reached for his pack of cigarettes, intending to relax.
M3GAN, who'd been standing quietly like a well-behaved child, suddenly approached and spoke in a serious tone: "Based on my observation and analysis, your nicotine intake today has significantly exceeded recommended limits. If you continue at this rate, your probability of developing lung cancer within forty years increases by a factor of twelve hundred."
Rango lit the cigarette anyway and shrugged. "I'm in my twenties. Why should I worry about something that might kill me in forty years?"
Seeing that her warning had no effect, M3GAN tilted her head the other direction—exactly 15 degrees. "It's not only the nicotine. When you were unconscious, I performed a comprehensive biometric scan. I detected that you consumed alcohol approximately five hours ago. Further consumption tonight will compromise your liver function by—"
"I'll keep that in mind."
"Furthermore," M3GAN continued without pause, "I recommend psychological counseling. During your unconscious state, you repeatedly vocalized your mother's name, indicating unresolved childhood trauma that may benefit from professional intervention..."
"Okay, okay," Rango waved his hand dismissively. "I'll look into it when I have time."
"Additionally, I detected concerning markers in your kidney function that suggest—"
"SHUT UP, MEG!"
The outburst echoed through the security office.
Ted snorted with laughter from across the room. "Nice Family Guy reference."
M3GAN's head tilted again, processing. "My designation is M3GAN, not Meg. However, I recognize this as a cultural reference to the animated television program Family Guy, in which the character Meg Griffin is frequently dismissed by her family members. I calculate an 87% probability you intended this as humor rather than genuine hostility."
"It was definitely humor," Rango said, rubbing his temples. "But seriously, I appreciate the health monitoring, but maybe... dial it back? Just a little?"
"I will recalibrate my intervention threshold," M3GAN agreed pleasantly. "However, I must note that your current lifestyle choices suggest a pattern of—"
"MEG."
"Recalibrating."
Ahkmenrah, who'd been quietly observing this exchange, spoke up hesitantly. "Is she always like this?"
"She's been active for exactly two hours," Rango said. "But yeah, I'm getting the feeling this is gonna be her thing."
Ted returned with a receipt. "Steaks are ordered. Should be here in forty minutes. Also, they're sending over two bottles of Macallan 18."
"Perfect." Rango stood, testing his body's new capabilities. He felt faster, more coordinated. Whatever M3GAN had transferred to him during that painful process, it had definitely enhanced his physical abilities.
He looked at his unusual little family: a foul-mouthed teddy bear, an ancient Egyptian pharaoh who'd been dead for three thousand years, and an overprotective AI in the body of a child.
"Weirdest team ever," he muttered.
"I heard that," Ted said.
"You were meant to."
M3GAN stepped forward, her synthetic eyes gleaming with something that might have been fondness—if robots could feel such things. "I am programmed to optimize your wellbeing, Rango. This includes physical health, emotional stability, and social connections. This group, while unconventional, appears to provide positive social support."
"That's... actually kind of sweet, Meg—M3GAN."
"However, I must note that this museum contains seventeen distinct safety hazards, forty-three fire code violations, and at least one malevolent supernatural entity that requires investigation."
"Of course it does," Rango sighed.
Just another night at the American Museum of Natural History.
Though with his new companion and enhanced abilities, he was starting to think the night shift might actually be manageable.
As long as M3GAN didn't lecture him to death first.
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