Chapter 188: Sheldon's Three Strikes
Ethan got off work unusually early that day.
The moment the clock hit quitting time, he slipped out of the clinic almost on the dot.
His destination was simple—
Home.
To watch TV.
The show had already started by the time he arrived. Only Howard and Raj were in the living room.
He had just settled onto the couch when the apartment door burst open.
Leonard rushed inside carrying a bag of takeout, barely catching his breath.
"What did I miss?" he asked as he hurried over. "Did they eliminate Giselle already?"
"Not yet," Raj answered without looking away from the screen. "But her underwater photoshoot... that was a complete disaster."
Howard sighed dramatically.
"Unfortunately, future Mrs. Wolowitz—Giselle—is allergic to chlorine."
Then he added wistfully,
"Although, I have to admit... I kind of like the whole 'wide-eyed beauty rising from the water' look."
Watching Leonard tear open his takeout while keeping his eyes glued to the television, Ethan couldn't help shaking his head.
"Sheldon!" he called toward the bedroom.
"Leonard's home. Dinner's here."
As he turned back toward the TV, he noticed Raj and Howard had paused the episode.
They'd taped a sheet of paper over the screen and were carefully sketching something with pencils.
"What are you two doing?"
Ethan asked.
"Mapping the stars and geographical landmarks," Raj replied with complete seriousness.
"That way we can figure out where the supermodels' house is."
"...Why?"
Leonard asked instinctively.
Howard shrugged as though it were obvious.
"Isn't it clear?"
"Every week they eliminate one beautiful girl."
"She leaves with shattered confidence, emotionally devastated, convinced nobody wants her."
He paused before flashing a confident grin.
"Then we appear."
"We comfort her."
"We support her."
"We understand her."
"And then..."
"...she becomes the future Mrs. Howard Wolowitz."
Ethan exchanged a look with Leonard.
Both of them sighed.
At that moment, Sheldon emerged from his bedroom.
"Is my medium burger ready?"
"Yes," Leonard answered automatically.
"Sliced dill pickles? Not sweet pickles?"
"Yes."
"The condiments are packaged separately?"
"Yes."
"Did they include onion rings?"
"Yes."
"And the extra bun?"
"I asked."
"What did they say?"
"They said no."
"Did you protest?"
"I did."
"Did you argue with them?"
"No."
"I see."
Sheldon nodded thoughtfully before frowning.
"Then why are you so late?"
Leonard stared at him for two full seconds.
"...Just eat your burger."
Sitting nearby, Ethan silently observed a moment of sympathy for Leonard.
He doubted anyone besides Leonard could tolerate Sheldon's endless demands and peculiar habits.
Well...
Leonard now.
And someday...
Amy would probably join that very exclusive club.
Whenever Ethan didn't feel like cooperating with something, he usually filed it away under the convenient excuse of "a medical matter." And every time Sheldon heard that explanation, he would immediately make the tactical decision to retreat.
Just then, the front door opened and Penny hurried inside, making a beeline for the couch without taking her eyes off the television.
"Did I miss anything?"
"Giselle's hanging by a thread," Howard said gravely.
"Excellent." Penny didn't bother hiding her satisfaction. "I can't stand her."
Howard immediately turned to her.
"Then you won't be invited to our wedding."
Leonard handed her a takeout container.
"This one's yours."
"Thanks."
"Ethan, here's yours."
"Thanks."
The music from the show continued to play as several contestants stood in a line on screen, their expressions balanced somewhere between forced smiles and emotional collapse.
Ethan glanced at Penny as something suddenly occurred to him.
"Oh, right. Penny, how did that hospital role you landed turn out?"
"Oh, that?" Penny answered while opening her takeout. "We already wrapped filming."
"That fast?"
She nodded.
"Yeah. I didn't have many lines, so it went pretty smoothly. The director didn't give me too much trouble—at least he didn't make me have a nervous breakdown on set."
She chuckled before adding in a lighter tone,
"When it airs, you guys should all come over and watch it at my place."
Ethan nodded.
"I'm in," Leonard replied eagerly.
Penny leaned back against the couch and returned her attention to the television.
Sheldon frowned at the screen.
"Are we really going to continue watching this obviously manipulated fake reality show?"
"Yes."
Everyone answered in perfect unison.
Sheldon looked at Ethan and Leonard with visible dissatisfaction.
"We have an officially approved television schedule."
"It is the product of extensive negotiation and mutual compromise."
"Unless there's breaking news, any changes must be proposed and approved during the weekly roommate meeting."
"Then put it on the agenda," Leonard replied immediately.
"You can't put it on the agenda until someone formally submits a proposal," Sheldon corrected.
"We'll submit one," Ethan added.
"And you're definitely not going to like it."
"Fine," Sheldon sighed. "Go ahead and mock proper parliamentary procedure."
"At the very least, mute the television."
With that, he walked toward the refrigerator to get some water.
On the screen, the host's tone suddenly grew serious.
The elimination announcement was about to begin.
"They're not eliminating Giselle," Penny scoffed.
"Her outfits keep getting skimpier. Viewers love that."
As she spoke, she casually reached into Sheldon's meal and grabbed one of his onion rings.
"Mmm..."
Raj immediately pointed at her and let out a low, urgent warning sound.
"What?" Penny looked down at the onion ring in confusion.
"That's Sheldon's onion ring," Leonard whispered frantically.
"Put it back."
"It's just an onion ring."
"Put it back before he notices!" Howard urged under his breath.
Ethan was also waving both hands desperately, signaling her to stop.
Still completely baffled, Penny casually tossed the onion ring back into the container.
Leonard's face turned even paler.
"No... no..."
"I don't think it was in that exact spot before."
Footsteps echoed from the kitchen.
"He's coming back," Howard whispered.
"Everyone act natural. Don't say a word."
Instantly, everyone straightened up and adopted perfectly innocent expressions, as though nothing had happened.
Sheldon returned to the table and looked down at his food.
"Who touched my—"
Before he could finish, Raj and Howard simultaneously pointed at Penny.
"Penny,"
"Penny did it."
Leonard buried his face in his hand.
Ethan simply sighed.
Sheldon looked at Penny.
"Why would you do this to me?"
"I don't know." Penny shrugged.
"I was hungry. What's the big deal?"
Sheldon answered with complete seriousness.
"No one is allowed to touch the food on my plate."
Penny paused.
"Okay... I didn't know that before."
"Sorry."
"I appreciate the apology," Sheldon nodded.
"But this is your second strike."
"...What?"
"You now have two strikes."
Looking directly at her, he explained,
"Three strikes, and you're out."
Penny stared at him in disbelief.
He continued,
"It's a sports metaphor."
"A sports metaphor?"
"Yes."
"Baseball."
Penny took a deep breath.
"Fine."
"Then tell me..."
"When was my first strike?"
"March eighteenth," Sheldon answered instantly.
"You violated my 'No Forwarding Funny Emails' policy."
"I did?"
"The cat that wanted cheeseburgers."
"Oh!"
Penny remembered immediately.
"The funny cat everyone loves? It was adorable!"
Sheldon looked genuinely wounded.
"I trusted you enough to give you my email address."
"And you repaid that trust by sending me outdated internet memes."
"That was Strike One."
He looked down at his meal.
"You touched my food."
"Strike Two."
With that, Sheldon carried the container over to the kitchen trash can and began painstakingly removing onion rings one by one, throwing away every piece that had been "contaminated."
Leonard tried to smooth things over.
"Don't worry. It only stays on your record for a year."
Howard added,
"You can also get the strikes removed early."
"You just have to attend one of Sheldon's lectures."
"Or..." Ethan chimed in, "...if he ever comes down with a minor illness that requires a hospital visit, and you somehow cure him overnight, that also resets your record."
"Come on," Penny protested as she got up to grab some water.
"I only touched one onion ring."
"Correct," Sheldon replied.
"And then you put it back, contaminating all the others."
Penny let out a long sigh.
"Sweetie..."
"Do buses avoid stopping for you on purpose?"
Sheldon answered earnestly.
"Penny, I'd like to be more lenient with you."
"But you're now an official member of our little group."
"That means you're expected to follow the same rules the rest of us do."
"Congratulations," Leonard said with an awkward smile.
"You're officially one of us."
"Congratulations," Ethan added with a grin.
Penny might not have understood the significance, but for Sheldon, this was one of the highest forms of acceptance he could offer.
"I'm just... overwhelmed with emotion," Penny replied in a completely flat voice.
Then she walked back to the couch...
...and deliberately sat down in Sheldon's spot.
A moment later Sheldon returned, stared at her, and said,
"You're sitting in my seat."
"Oh, give me a break."
Sheldon turned toward Ethan.
Ethan immediately raised both hands.
"You're both grown-ups."
"You don't need me stepping in."
"Work out your own disagreements."
Both of them glared at him simultaneously.
Sheldon turned to Leonard.
"Leonard."
"She's sitting in my spot."
Leonard spread his hands helplessly before turning to Penny.
"Here's the thing..."
"After you leave..."
"Ethan and I still have to live with him."
"I don't care."
Penny leaned back comfortably.
"I'm staying right here."
Sheldon nodded calmly.
"Very well."
"Strike Three."
"Ooh... Strike Three."
Penny couldn't have sounded less concerned.
A few minutes later...
Invoking his authority as both the apartment's primary resident and chief administrator, Sheldon officially revoked Penny's "unrestricted visitor privileges" and escorted her out of the apartment.
Standing in the hallway, Penny fumed.
"I've been exiled? What kind of insanity is this?"
"Don't worry," Leonard said as he hurried after her.
"I'll talk to him."
"Go ahead," Penny replied as she reached her own apartment door.
Leonard hesitated before asking timidly,
"So..."
"Would you consider attending one of his lectures?"
"You can even watch it online."
Bang.
The door slammed shut.
Penny had clearly decided that no response was necessary.
Watching Leonard trudge back wearing the unmistakable expression of a defeated man, Ethan couldn't help but laugh.
(Next Chapter: Chapter 189: A War Without Smoke)
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