Chapter 32 – The Tie on the Doorknob
Leonard, Sheldon, and Ethan were walking up the stairs together.
Leonard was still frowning.
"What did Penny mean when she said, 'You two could've made a cute couple'?"
Sheldon replied matter-of-factly,
"I assume she meant that the two of you could have formed a romantic partnership that others would perceive as sweet.
"A less likely interpretation is that the two of you could physically manufacture a couple."
Leonard turned to Ethan. "Ethan?"
Ethan shrugged. He had no idea either.
Leonard continued his self-analysis.
"If Penny didn't know Leslie rejected me, then the meaning is obvious—she thinks I should pursue Leslie. Which implies she has no interest in me pursuing her.
"But since she does know I asked Leslie out—and that Leslie rejected me—Penny might just be comforting me. Like, 'Too bad, you two could've been cute,' while secretly thinking, 'Great, Leonard's still single.'"
Ethan's brain was still trying to process all that when Sheldon spoke up.
"You're very fortunate, Leonard."
Leonard brightened. "How so?"
Sheldon said, "The person listening to you is one of only three people in the Western Hemisphere capable of keeping up with your thought process."
Leonard asked hopefully, "And what do you think?"
"I only said I can follow it. That doesn't mean I care."
Leonard turned to Ethan desperately. "Ethan, please?"
Sheldon cut in, "Pointless. He's not one of the three."
"Sheldon, you seriously overestimate your understanding of emotional matters," Ethan said dryly.
Then he added, "Let's approach this from a probability standpoint. Sheldon, what would you estimate Leonard's chances of ending up with Penny are?"
Sheldon answered instantly,
"I'd say his chances of sleeping with Penny are about the same as the Hubble Space Telescope discovering that every black hole contains a tiny man with a flashlight looking for a circuit breaker."
"So… approaching zero?" Ethan translated.
"Yes."
Leonard sighed. "Thanks for the encouragement. Now how do I improve those odds?"
Ethan changed tactics.
"Let's look at it another way. You said Penny might be secretly glad you're still single, right?"
Leonard nodded.
"Okay. Imagine you're buying a sandwich. There are two shops on the corner. One is empty—no customers, not even a fly. The other has a long line. Which one do you pick?"
"The one with the line," Leonard said.
"Correct," Sheldon added. "The answer is obvious."
"Exactly." Ethan gave Leonard a look. "Now suppose you own the empty shop. What should you do to make customers come to you and think, 'Great, no line here'?"
Leonard thought for a moment.
"…I don't know."
Sheldon raised his hand. "I know! Make the customer so hungry they can't wait in line and are about to starve."
"Half right. What else?" Ethan looked at him encouragingly.
Sheldon pursed his lips, thinking hard. "Oh! Or blow up the shop with the long line."
"BINGO!" Ethan nodded in approval, then turned to Leonard.
"Sheldon gets it. Do you get it?"
Leonard scratched his head. "No."
Ethan sighed. "Hopeless."
The three of them climbed the stairs in silence. Just as they reached the apartment door, Leonard suddenly shouted:
"I got it!"
"You mean if I want to date Penny, I either have to kill all the men she likes—or make sure all the men Penny likes already have girlfriends!"
"YES!"
"That's horrible."
---
Later That Night
A knock sounded. Leonard opened the door, and Leslie walked in carrying a cello case.
"Hey, Leonard."
Her gaze skimmed past Sheldon and locked directly onto Ethan.
"Well, hello again, handsome."
Ethan looked up and smiled. "Hi."
Leslie continued,
"About that 'collaborative project' we discussed last time…"
"I gave it more thought. If we combined our genetic and intellectual advantages and implemented a rigorous, scientific early-education plan—say, introducing formal logic at three, conceptual physics models at five—the probability of that child's long-term success would be significantly above average."
Ethan's brow twitched ever so slightly, but his voice stayed calm.
"Leslie, your plan sounds flawless. But a child isn't a research project. She's a living human being."
Leslie raised a brow. "Doctors are always so sentimental. Physics is pure science. Logic and laws are the foundation of reality."
Ethan chuckled softly. "That's because physics studies dead things. I work with the living.
"And living things are far more complex… and far less controllable."
Leslie frowned. "Are you implying physics lacks rigor?"
"No," Ethan said evenly. "I'm saying that if doctors stopped caring about patients, hospital visits would feel like hell."
He added, "And thanks for the 'project' proposal, but if I ever have a child, I might not push her toward medicine—or physics."
Leslie blinked. "What do you mean? With our genes, not pursuing those fields would be a waste."
"I'd tell her the world's big," Ethan said. "If she wants to be a painter, a gardener, or run a bakery that makes amazing cupcakes—that's fine. As long as it's her choice, and she's happy."
"…You're serious? Letting a small child make life-defining decisions?" Leslie looked incredulous. "Okay… you're definitely handsome. But your parenting philosophy makes me want to call the authorities."
She walked off to the couch to prepare her instrument.
Ethan smiled to himself. Spending too much time around these weirdos had changed him.
A simple 'not interested' would've worked, but somehow debating it out felt… satisfying.
No wonder Sheldon loved arguing.
Soon the rest of the musicians arrived, and cello practice filled the living room. Sheldon and Ethan quietly vacated the space.
By the time the rehearsal ended, only Leslie and Leonard remained inside—and the atmosphere began drifting in a very not-for-public-description direction.
---
Across the Hall
Sheldon dashed to the opposite apartment and knocked loudly.
Knock, knock, knock. "Penny."
Knock, knock, knock. "Penny."
Knock, knock, knock. "Penny."
The door opened.
Penny blinked. "Sheldon, what is it?"
"Ethan is not in the apartment."
"…Okay. Thanks for the live news update."
She turned to close the door.
"Wait!" Sheldon blocked it with his hand. "Since Ethan isn't available, I require assistance in semiotics."
"...What?"
"Semiotics—the study of signs and symbols. A foundational branch of linguistics."
Penny sighed. "Sheldon, sweetie, I know you think you're explaining. You are not."
"Come with me."
They walked to Leonard's bedroom door.
A tie was hanging on the doorknob.
Sheldon stared at it gravely. "Well?"
"Well what?" Penny said.
"What does this signify?"
Penny burst out laughing. "Sheldon, you did go to college, right?"
"Yes. I was eleven."
"…Okay. A tie on the doorknob means the person inside doesn't want to be disturbed because they're… conducting a very private experiment involving physical contact."
Sheldon frowned. "You mean Leonard is currently mating with a female?"
"Either that, or he ran out of hangers and is a huge Bryan Adams fan."
At that moment, Leslie's voice rang out from behind the door:
"Leonard, you magnificent beast!"
Penny's eyes widened. "Yep. We should definitely leave."