Chapter 6: A Night at the Museum!!!
"Hmm..."
Night had fallen over the American Museum of Natural History. In the center of the vast main hall, Rango leaned back in a chair behind the information desk, stretching lazily, his expression one of complete boredom.
He'd originally planned to spend tonight investigating the secrets of his newly purchased haunted house, but the museum job had started immediately. So much for that plan.
"Hello? Testing, testing, one-two-three~"
Ted's voice echoed through the cavernous space. He'd found a microphone connected to the PA system and was entertaining himself, his amplified voice bouncing off the domed ceiling and marble walls, adding a touch of life to the otherwise silent night.
Rango, equally bored, idly spun the taser on his finger like a gunslinger. Being a security guard had its perks—easy work, decent pay—but man, was it dull.
What had surprised him was that in the United States, security guards could carry tasers without any special certification. Just basic training and you were good to go.
The X26 Taser in his hand was no joke. It fired electrified barbed darts that could deliver 50,000 volts on impact—enough to drop a grown man instantly. The downside? Effective range of only about fifteen feet. You had to be close.
Twirling the taser, Rango caught his reflection in a polished bronze column nearby. Even in the plain security uniform, he had to admit—he looked good.
"You talkin' to me?"
He mimicked Robert De Niro's famous Taxi Driver line at his reflection, a playful smirk on his face.
"You talkin' to me?"
"Well, I'm the only one here..."
Ted, who'd witnessed this entire performance, sighed heavily into the microphone. "Seriously, man? I will never understand why you do the De Niro thing every single time you pick up any kind of weapon."
"Besides Pacino and Eastwood, De Niro's my favorite," Rango said casually, standing and adjusting his belt. "Be right back. Nature calls."
As he walked through one of the exhibition halls toward the restrooms, his steps suddenly slowed.
"Huh..."
Before him stood two large glass display cases, each containing elaborate dioramas. The first was filled with miniature Roman architecture and hundreds of tiny figures in togas and armor. Leading them was a general in ornate regalia—according to the placard, Octavian.
The adjacent case showed a completely different scene: men in work clothes and period clothing, blasting tunnels and laying railroad tracks. The description identified it as a scene from America's westward expansion in the 1800s.
What caught Rango's attention was a particular figurine standing on top of a miniature locomotive, dressed in frontier clothing.
The nameplate read: Jedediah Smith, Pioneer.
He didn't know why, but looking at this tiny cowboy and the Roman general in the other case gave him the strangest sense of déjà vu.
Including that massive T-Rex skeleton—Rexy, according to the plaque—he'd seen when he first entered. All of it felt weirdly familiar.
"It's from a movie," he muttered, stroking his chin thoughtfully. "But which one..."
Shaking his head, he continued into the restroom.
The next second, an exclamation echoed from inside.
"I remember! It's Night at the Museum!"
He didn't even finish buckling his belt before he burst back out, running full speed.
"Ted! Quick! Throw me that Security Guard Handbook!"
"What?"
Seeing Rango's panicked expression, Ted looked confused. He turned to grab the handbook from the desk, but froze as an enormous shadow suddenly loomed over him, accompanied by heavy, rasping breaths.
Ted's entire body went rigid. He slowly, very slowly, turned his head to look behind him.
"Oh, fuck me..."
The Tyrannosaurus Rex skeleton—Rexy—that had been mounted in front of the entrance was now very much alive. Its massive skull loomed above him, jaws opening to reveal rows of gleaming fossilized teeth!
SNAP!
Before Ted could even scream, those jaws snapped shut with terrifying speed!
Rango launched himself forward, grabbing Ted by the scruff of his neck and hurling him aside. The information desk wasn't so lucky—Rexy's jaws clamped down on it, splintering wood and sending papers flying everywhere.
On the other side of the hall, Ted had barely scrambled to his feet when a group of Native American figures in traditional clothing materialized before him, brandishing stone tomahawks and letting out war cries.
"Jesus Christ!"
He screamed and bolted in the opposite direction.
The museum had erupted into absolute chaos.
Eighteenth-century British redcoats were engaged in fierce combat with Hun warriors on horseback. A samurai in full armor stalked through the galleries, katana drawn. A Viking berserker smashed display cases with a massive wooden club. Medieval knights in full plate armor galloped across the marble floors on horseback, their hoofbeats echoing like thunder.
And from upstairs came the unmistakable roars of wild animals.
What the hell is happening?! Everything was normal thirty seconds ago...
Ted shouted as he ran, dodging between exhibits that were very much trying to kill him. "Rango! A little help here! How the hell did everything come to life?!"
"Long story! No time!"
Rango rolled to the side, narrowly avoiding Rexy's massive tail as it swept across the floor. He snatched up the Security Guard Handbook and frantically flipped through pages.
"Rule Number One: Throw the bone."
"Bone?!"
Rango looked around desperately. Where was he supposed to find a bone in the middle of—
THUNK!
A massive bone—easily three feet long and thick as his forearm—dropped from above and clattered to the floor right in front of him.
Seriously? What are the odds?
Rango grabbed the bone. Rexy, who'd been charging straight at him with predatory focus, suddenly skidded to a halt. The dinosaur's entire skull oriented on the bone in Rango's hand, tracking it like a laser pointer.
Tentatively, Rango tossed the bone to his left.
Rexy immediately wheeled around and bounded after it with surprising speed, tail wagging, looking for all the world like the world's largest, most terrifying golden retriever.
As soon as the dinosaur was distracted, Rango flipped to the next page of the handbook.
"Rule Number Two: Secure all display cases."
He looked around at the museum, which now resembled a warzone. Miniature armies were spilling everywhere, historical figures were fighting each other, and something was roaring upstairs.
"Yeah, way too late for that," he muttered.
"Rule Number Three: Remember to lock the Hall of African Mammals."
The Hall of African Mammals... third floor, if he remembered correctly.
"Okay, okay. Priorities."
He rolled up the handbook and shoved it in his belt. Scanning the chaotic hall, he formulated a quick plan. "First, lock down the animal hall before we have lions running loose. Then I'll deal with putting all these historical figures back where they belong."
After taking a few steadying breaths, Rango pulled out his taser and started toward the stairs.
He made it exactly three steps before a massive shadow engulfed him again.
Rexy was back, the bone clamped gently in her jaws. The enormous skeleton approached, stopped in front of Rango, and then—almost delicately—dropped the bone at his feet.
The T-Rex's skull lowered until it was nearly touching the ground. Her tail lifted and began wagging enthusiastically.
"You... want me to throw it again?"
Rango carefully picked up the bone. That's when he noticed Rexy was missing a rib on her left side—and the bone in his hand was exactly the right size and shape.
So she'd deliberately given him her own rib to play fetch.
A plan formed in his mind.
"Alright, girl. You want to play? Let's play."
Rango hefted the bone, aimed toward the far end of the massive hall, and threw it as hard as he could.
The bone sailed through the air, bouncing off the floor and sliding under a bench at least fifty yards away.
Rexy took off like a shot, her massive skeletal frame moving with surprising agility, tail wagging frantically as she bounded after her prize.
"She's basically a puppy," Rango muttered, watching the prehistoric skeleton disappear around a corner. "A gigantic, carnivorous, fossil puppy."
Ted appeared at his elbow, panting. "Did you just... play fetch with a T-Rex?"
"Yep."
"And it worked?"
"Yep."
"...Okay then." Ted adjusted his bow tie. "So what's the plan now?"
Rango pulled out the handbook again. "According to this, we need to lock down the Hall of African Mammals before the animals get loose, secure all the display cases, and somehow get everything back to normal before dawn."
"Before dawn? Why dawn?"
"Because according to this—" Rango tapped the handbook, "—everything goes back to normal at sunrise. The tablet's magic only works at night."
"Tablet? What tablet?"
"The Tablet of Ahkmenrah. It's an ancient Egyptian artifact that brings the museum to life after dark." Rango pointed toward the Egyptian wing. "Should be in there somewhere."
Ted stared at him. "How do you know all this?"
"I told you—I've seen the movie! Night at the Museum with Ben Stiller!" Rango was already moving toward the stairs. "Come on, we need to move before—"
A deafening roar cut him off.
Both of them looked up toward the third floor, where something very large and very angry had just announced its presence.
"That would be the lions," Rango said calmly.
"Lions. Plural."
"Probably."
"And we're going UP there?"
"It's literally our job, Ted."
"I want a raise."
"You don't even get paid. You're not officially employed here."
"Then I want to BE employed so I can ask for a raise!"
Despite the bickering, they were already climbing the stairs, Rango's hand on his taser and Ted following close behind.
From somewhere in the museum, Rexy's happy footsteps echoed as she presumably found her bone again.
And from the third floor, the lions roared once more.
"Just another night at work," Rango muttered.
"This is literally your first night."
"And what a first impression I'm making."
As they reached the second-floor landing, a miniature cowboy on horseback—couldn't be more than four inches tall—galloped past, whooping and waving a tiny lasso.
"Giddy up, partner!" the little figure yelled in a thick Western accent.
Ted and Rango watched him disappear down the hallway.
"Was that—"
"Jedediah from the diorama," Rango confirmed. "Yeah."
"Everything is so weird."
"Welcome to the night shift, buddy."
They continued climbing, ready to face whatever came next.
After all, they had until sunrise to get this chaos under control.
How hard could it be?
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