Monsters attacking your neighborhood is one thing.
Monsters attacking your neighborhood before breakfast is just rude.
The street still smoked like someone had tried to microwave the entire road. Gloomfang—aka Giant Lizard of Doom, aka My Worst Morning Ever—stomped around like it had misplaced its car keys and was determined to destroy everything until it found them.
I crouched behind a car and peeked out.
Yup.
Still there.
Still massive.
Still roaring loud enough to give my soul tinnitus.
My HUD blinked into existence again:
[TIP: RUNNING IN ZIG-ZAGS REDUCES GETTING EATEN BY 63%]
"Oh, great. Safety tips from the world's worst life coach."
The monster's tail smashed into a mailbox and sent it flying like a disappointed letter from Hogwarts.
I pressed a hand to my forehead.
"Why couldn't my glitch superpower be, like… free pizza? Or teleportation? Or money? I would've taken ANYTHING that didn't involve dying."
The ground quaked as Gloomfang roared again.
I yelped and ducked lower.
The HUD immediately judged me:
[COWARDICE DETECTED]
[NO STAT PENALTY… YET]
"HEY. I saw that!"
I wasn't proud of it, but I threw a piece of gravel at the HUD. It went right through the air and hit nothing because, well… hologram.
The pebble did, however, bounce off Gloomfang's snout.
The monster paused.
Turned.
Locked eyes with me.
"Oh no. Undo. UNDO. CONTROL-Z!"
It leaped.
I screamed—
—not like a hero scream, more like a tiny dehydrated mouse seeing a hawk—but I'm owning it.
Then, out of nowhere:
PING!
[SKILL UNLOCKED: DODGE ROLL]
Before I could say "What?!", my body moved on its own and I rolled out of the way like an Olympic gymnast powered by pure terror.
"OHHHH that's what that is!"
I landed on my back, wheezing.
"10/10 skill. Would recommend. Needs lower cooldown."
Gloomfang snarled, annoyed his breakfast had escaped.
But then—
Someone screamed down the street.
"HELP! Somebody help me!"
I snapped toward the voice.
A woman trapped under a giant slab of asphalt. Classic "save the civilian" setup. Probably a good time to do hero things.
My HUD agreed:
[SIDE QUEST ALERT]
[OBJECTIVE: PROTECT THE CIVILIAN]
[REWARD: EXP +15 | LOOT: POSSIBLE]
Loot?
Say less.
I sprinted toward her. My legs felt weirdly light, like they'd drunk three energy drinks without asking permission.
"Don't worry!" I shouted. "I'm here!"
She stared at me like I was the last person she expected to show up. Which was fair.
I grabbed the broken road slab pinning her, expecting to instantly regret my life choices.
But instead—
Warm energy buzzed up my arms.
[STRENGTH +10: ACTIVE]
I lifted the chunk with one hand.
"One. Hand," I whispered. "I have become STRONG BOY."
The woman scrambled out.
"Thank you! You— you saved me!"
I puffed out my chest.
"I mean… yeah, that's what I do. Professional civilian rescuer. Big deal. Very famous."
Another ping:
[EXP +15]
[LEVEL PROGRESS: 30/100]
I grinned.
"Yes. Feed me that sweet digital validation."
Then came a voice that sounded like a drill sergeant discovering caffeine for the first time.
"Containment units, MOVE! Secure the anomaly!"
Armored trucks screeched into the street. Soldiers poured out, aiming futuristic weapons at Gloomfang.
Leading them was a woman in tactical gear so serious she could probably defeat a monster just by glaring at it.
Her eyes landed on me.
Uh oh.
She pressed her finger to her earpiece.
"Unidentified civilian with anomalous energy signature. Tag him."
Tag?
Like a deer?
Am I about to be wildlife?!
My HUD pinged.
[NEW STATUS: OBSERVED]
"Oh come ON. First a monster wants me dead, now the government wants to catalog me like a Pokémon?!"
Gloomfang smashed against a containment grid, sending sparks everywhere.
The woman barked orders like she was trying to yell the monster into submission.
While I, the actual person being hunted by a skyscraper-sized lizard, fumbled with my phone as it vibrated:
Maya: ALEX??! I HEARD EXPLOSIONS?? ANSWER RIGHT NOW OR I'M CALLING YOUR MOM!!
Mom?
Absolutely not.
Me: Can't talk. May get eaten. Brb.
She replied instantly:
Maya: WHAT DO YOU MEAN "BRB" YOU ABSOLUTE GREMLIN?!
Before I could explain "currently dodging death," the monster shrieked. The entire street shook. A bus shelter rattled violently.
Then my HUD blinked above a group of terrified civilians huddled together:
[REPUTATION UNLOCKED: CIVILIANS +5]
They stared at me like I was a magical raccoon who suddenly learned karate.
One whispered, "He picked up a whole rock."
Another: "Is he… glowing?"
A kid: "Mom, is that guy a superhero?"
Me: "NO! I am a normal dude having a very abnormal day—"
Gloomfang lunged.
I turned back just in time to see a screen-sized claw swiping straight at my face.
"Nope. NOPE. NOOOPE—"
I rolled. Screamed again. Ran. Screamed more.
The HUD flashed urgently:
[WARNING: DEATH IMMINENT]
"STOP SAYING THAT!"
And then—
A final ominous message glitched across my screen:
[USER STATUS: UNAUTHORIZED]
Static.
Distortion.
Gone.
I froze.
"Unauthorized?" I croaked. "What does THAT even—"
Gloomfang roared again.
"Oh. Right. Later. Death now."
And with that, I sprinted for my life.
Because apparently, in my personal patch notes,
SURVIVAL = Mandatory.
COMMON SENSE = Still locked.