I threw a stone at the river trying to make it skip, but I couldn't manage it; it simply touched the surface of the water and sank. "How does Rowan make it skip?" Even more frustrated than I already was, I leaned on my knees.
Only two hours had passed since the small battle with the panlagors, and all my thoughts were still directed at it. What happened to me? Why didn't I act? They were all questions I couldn't even answer myself.
As soon as I saw the five beasts in front of me, I froze instantly. I simply couldn't move no matter how much I fought against my own body. So many hours training, practicing, simply wasted in just a few minutes.
I worked for months to improve with the sword or the pulsar—what for? To be paralyzed in the first confrontation I came across. I felt like a complete useless idiot.
"You're not useless," a female voice said beside me.
"What? What are you talking about, how…?" I opened my eyes, very surprised.
"It's written all over your face, idiot," Claire said with a soft laugh.
"I couldn't do anything while everyone fought and defended the caravan. If that doesn't make me useless, then what does?" I snorted and lowered my gaze.
Before she could respond, I spoke again. "Everyone fought without hesitation—Serin, Daren, my brother, you, even the common guards… while I was the only one who stood there like a complete stupid fool, frozen and scared."
She shook her head. "In that case, I'm the same."
"Why do you say that?"
"When I fought against the panlagor alongside my brother, I couldn't land the final blow. I stayed completely still without striking the finishing hit. If it hadn't been for Miss Serin… I don't know what would have happened." She said this while making random marks on the ground with a broken branch she picked up.
I kept staring at the water without knowing what to answer. I simply didn't know how; I didn't even have any idea how I felt about myself regarding it, much less could I give her advice.
"Cheer up, kids, no one got hurt." The two of us were startled and quickly turned around.
"Miss Serin…" I murmured.
"No more 'Miss,' boy," she said with a sarcastic smile as she sat on a stone beside us. Even if she didn't like being called miss, I was sure she was already very close to, or had even passed, thirty…
Once she sat down, she spoke again. "It's normal to feel fear; everyone has it. What would be worrying is if you didn't."
"But I wasn't afraid, I didn't hesitate to fight…" Claire replied somewhat defensively.
"Not all of us show it in the same way. Some may be afraid to fight, simply to pick up a weapon, or in your case, to want to kill—even if it's just a simple beast." She had a slight smile on her face and a calming voice.
"I…"
Serin interrupted her and continued, "The most important thing about all this is that it can be controlled. You can work on it from now on in order to overcome it." Her expression changed to a more serious one. "But you have to live with that fear—never push it away or make it disappear. It's something important that you must keep."
"And how do I overcome it?" I asked, now genuinely curious about her words.
"That I don't know. Everyone has their own methods. In my case, I was also afraid to fight when I was a beautiful and young lady," she returned to her cheerful state.
"So… how did you overcome it?"
"At first, I relied on my brother. He was always somewhat… 'unshakable.'" She laughed a little. "The point is, at the beginning I tried to always be by his side during expeditions. That made me feel safer, and I could fight."
"I see." I looked at the river again and kept reflecting on the advice Serin had given me. When I glanced to my side, I could see that Claire was in a similar state.
"Well, kids, I hope I've helped you. I have things to do at the camp. Come back when you feel better," she said as she stood up.
"I'll go with you," Claire also said as she quickly got up.
Serin nodded, then glanced at me out of the corner of her eye.
"I'll come in a few minutes too, and… thanks for the advice."
"No problem, kid. And don't worry about coming quickly—go at your own pace." She waved as she returned to the others with Claire.
I have to actively think about how to solve my problem using what Miss Serin advised me. I'm almost sure that her own method wouldn't work for me. Even though my brother was nearby, I couldn't fight—not even move.
When we encountered the panlagor on the road many months ago, I also felt an almost infinite wave of fear, but for some reason I was able to do something, no matter how small.
I kept thinking and thinking of solutions, but nothing came to mind. Maybe I was overanalyzing it; perhaps the answer would come to me with time and experience. But if I kept hesitating when fighting opponents who could take my life… what I would have the least of is that.
I decided to stand up and return to the camp. By now, people surely saw me as a scared child who couldn't fight; the only thing missing was for them to see me as a complete useless person who couldn't help.
Just when I stood up and turned around, I bumped my head into someone else's.
"Ouch." I held my forehead and turned my head forward to see the idiot who wasn't looking where he was walking. "Row?"
"Yes, sorry about that." He looked to the side. "Are you okay?"
"I wouldn't know how to tell you; you just hit me with your hard head," I replied sarcastically.
"I don't mean that, and you know I'm not very good at this kind of…"
"Yes, I know," I interrupted him and let go of my head. "I'm feeling better now. Serin came to talk to me about it; she gave me advice to try to overcome it."
Rowan nodded slightly with a solemn expression.
"No need to be so serious." I rolled my eyes. "And changing the subject, what you did to save your small and defenseless brother was really incredible."
"You liked it? It's the great ability your incredible older brother has," he said with an ironic expression as he stood beside me and wrapped an arm around my neck.
"If you say it like that, it sounds pretty egocentric." I laughed in response.
"Whatever. Let's head back—the people need help. We still have to unload all kinds of things and set up the camp."