It's been years; I am wandering alone. Over the period, I lost count, but I made sure to wander around the same island Gray fell in love with, in hope. Hope of seeing one person. Hoping to meet only one person. I am still hoping, never lost, and it's been years.
So many people strongly believe in the saying that everyone finds peace after death. I was sceptical, so I was neutral. It took years; I had to go through many struggles and commit many mistakes to reach the exact meaning of the word 'peace' in my life. Peace means Gray, and Gray means peace. So simple, yet I took years to learn the truth.
Death parted us. I left him to deal with everything, and I don't know who was bearing the consequences more, him or me. The saying didn't turn true. Once I left the world, Gray bid his final goodbye to me, and with him, everything else left, including my peace.
I never found my peace after my death. It's been years, and I am still wandering, yearning, and craving to meet a person in the afterlife. I made sure to wait at the shore, watching the same sunrise and sunset that I never got bored with. I will make sure to bid my day with the sunset. This is what he said once, that he would never get bored with watching, and I get it now. Ironic, after my death.
It's been years; our paths haven't collided. I don't know what was going on with him, how he was doing, or how he was coping with everything. My hands were tied. I couldn't believe death parted us. I was so confident with everything that I held, I forgot the inevitable occurrence. At last, death parted us. I left him behind; he had to deal with everything alone. He has taken the oath not to forgive me, and I really pray he didn't mean it.
I want him in every damn life, and I have to make sure of it, one way or another.
A person sat exactly beside me, which isn't new, as I always come across people who pass me like I am air, which I am, but I still haven't gotten used to it yet. I studied the guy a bit; he looks angelic from all over, and he was watching the sea. I held my gaze at his mesmerizing features a bit longer, and I turned my gaze toward the sunset. As usual, it's beautiful as always.
"It's beautiful, isn't it?" I was taken aback because no one was present around us except me, and I am obviously a soul. I should be treated as air, nothing more or less, right? "I am talking about the sunset; isn't it beautiful?" The guy was facing me, exactly watching me, not here and there. He chuckled when he saw my reaction, and I was still shaken. This was the first time someone talked to me, to a soul. Various questions arose in me, but I gave preference to his question and answered yes.
We were silent and watching the sunset, the sun almost bidding goodbye for the day, and with one last glimpse, it was buried in the sea. "It's time for you to move on to your next life." I got answers for every question that was threatening to leave my lips.
Next life, which I am not fond of, if it doesn't involve Grey's existence. "Gray?" That's all that's left from my mouth because I know I wasn't worthy to seek anything about Gray. That doesn't mean I am going to stop asking. "I don't have an answer for that, but it's your time to move into your next life." "As in a completely new person?" He nodded his head and spoke. "Something like that." "You mean by completely rebooting?" He chuckled at that. "That too, here and there, a few modifications in your system." It was my turn to chuckle. I sighed. The sky was turning dark, inviting the night to take over for the rest of the day.
"You know my answer." He smirks at that. "It's our world, and your words don't count, or things don't work according to you." Of course, I am not an idiot. "Which I am aware of; look at me." I hand-gestured at myself, which is nothing but air. "I want Gray in my life, or else I don't want a life." He snorted at that. "I thought the conversation was over." "I never let go of anything if it's related to Gray." He sighed at that. "It doesn't work that way. When it's time, you should move on." "As if that's easy." He stood up and started brushing his clothes. "I am going to visit you again; make up your mind by that time." By saying that, the guy disappeared.
It's been another set of years, and I was still roaming. Passing the people I came across, watching the sunrise and sunset. Living with his memories felt so good, rather than living a life without them. I want to know how he was doing in my absence. I hope he moved on and is leading a life with someone. I am not there to stop him or to hold him back. I really hope he moved on. In my presence, that would be just a dream to Gray, as I would never let him go, but in my absence, I really hope he chooses to lead a good life with someone. I really hope he is happy wherever he is.
Once again, the angelic person joined me while I walked. We walked in silence for a few minutes while I was pondering how to approach him with the topic of Gray. How to make him understand that I don't want anything if I am not entangled with Gray.
"A life without Gray is meaningless. I don't want my memories to be erased; I want them to be exactly as they are, with every bit of detail I have stored in my memory card. I want him, and I am not going to change my mind." "Well, sorry to burst your bubble, he doesn't want you." My lips crooked a bit at that. "I am not surprised. Of course, he doesn't want me, but at the same time, trust me, he wants me. Our yearning and craving for each other match exactly the same; no one is upper-hand or lower-hand in that aspect. Trust me when I say this: he wants me like I do." "You are overconfident." "It isn't that. I know him better than he knows himself."
We stood at the seashore watching the sunrise. Climatic conditions don't bother me; anything in me doesn't need to adjust to the weather change. Living yourself, going through memories, revising, rectifying the mistake, pondering, considering what if, longing, crying by remembering the mess, the hell we had gone through—we will get used to all these things. Even things that were haunting become a normal, usual thing.
Most of our memories haunt me. I would be miserable, and I would cry loudly without a care in the world. These things make me feel I am so alive. Everything related to us, I am holding dearly, piece by piece, which is letting me hope for the future, dream of our next life.
I want him. I want him in every damn life; people just don't get it. I was enjoying the wind when the person spoke.
"He moved on to his next life." I let the words sink in. "He will be born in a few months, so you'd better make up your mind." "Good for him, and I am happy for him. You know my answer." The angel rubbed his forehead in frustration. "He doesn't want you in his life." I averted my eyes, as I care. "Just a meeting, and rest assured." "You can't always get your way. Have you ever thought of what if? Things would be turned the other way around." As if I haven't thought of the same, like, a billion times.
When I heard those words, my whole body vibrated in anger, and the rage added more so that I could snap. I couldn't believe I was carrying the same emotions after so many years.
"Everyone should stop saying that. What if? It doesn't work in our scenario. Since the beginning, things should have changed between us; our meeting should have been more of a coincidence, not bloody preplanned, but we weren't lucky. There is no room for what if. Things I had gone through, the pain, the suffering, and the ache that I always felt when I saw my family—these things would never let anything change between us. Things changed because of the incident; it doesn't matter whether Gray was involved or not, he was a victim because of his father. The suffering blinded me, the rage masked everything, the pain provoked negative thoughts, and my anger reached its peak. Things were never easy for me. I committed mistakes, a lot of mistakes. I couldn't stop myself; I was human, and things blinded me. Nothing was intentional, not even a single act. There was no what-if from the beginning between us. Things were bound to happen: trapping, cheating, and snatching. What if it would never have worked? What if—never thrust anything that I had gone through, but I never wanted Gray to go through those horrific things. I just wanted him to lead a low life, and I never intended to return.
Once I left, the pain that I felt was very different from the pain I felt when I witnessed what happened with my family. I never acknowledged it; I tried to ignore it or brushed it off as if it were nothing. I balanced myself and got together every day. Suffering never stopped; it was at different level.
Everyone should stop evaluating my action; there was no other way. Nothing would be changed, nothing. The suffering, the ache that we feel when we fall for a person who is the son of a person who destroyed my family, is bloody different. It's agony. Nothing could be erased, masked, or thrown off as if it were nothing. It wasn't a day or months of suffering; it was years of suffering my family had gone through, and it couldn't be compromised. My heartache was nothing in front of my family members.
It wasn't easy for me; nothing was fake. The pull, kiss, sex, my damn feeling, no matter how much I masked, my love, possessiveness, psychotic nature, everything was damn real. I couldn't fake those from the beginning. I thought I was good at what I was doing, so I brushed it off, but in reality, a few things went out of my hands, which include what I have on Gray.
I closed my eyes after the heart-flinching revolution, and it felt so good to let it out in front of someone. It's been years, but everything felt like it happened yesterday. The pain, tears, suffering, and ache are at the same level.
"He doesn't want you." I smiled at that. The guy should stop saying that, doesn't change a thing in me. "I will find my way around him." "The path is hard." "It's always the same around him." "Everything in this life will be smooth if you don't cross your path with him; can't you just go with the flow?" "I don't want a life without him." "Don't tell me I didn't warn you." I chuckle at that. The people who were once around me warned me about him; my own heart did too, but I never listened. I am not going to listen when it's Gray. "He is mine in every life." He rolled his eyes at that. "I tried my best; get ready to move on." I smiled broadly by nodding my head.
Welcome to DANTE MORRIS - THE BEAST.