Season 3 chapter 5
The Yatsua Priestess
They cautiously approached the fainted girl, looking down at her like she was an alien specimen.
She was breathing incredibly fast, her chest heaving in short, panicked gasps. Her eyes were tightly closed, her face covered in dirt, and her clothes were violently tattered.
As Kniya leaned in closer, his eyes locked onto a highly specific, intricate silver badge pinned to the remains of her collar. It was the Yatsua priest symbol.
Yatsua was the most widely followed religion in the entire Republic of DI, possessing massive political influence and billions of credits in untaxed holy donations.
Kniya's capitalist brain instantly short-circuited with greed.
"Oh my god," Kniya whispered, pointing at the silver badge. "Malesh. She is a religious woman. She is a Yatsua priestess!"
"I can see the symbol, Kniya," Malesh noted dryly.
"Do you know what this means?!" Kniya grinned, his eyes wide with opportunistic malice. "The temple has infinite money! We are going to get some more money for this! We can ransom her back to the high priests! We are going to be so fucking rich!"
"Absolutely fucking not, Kniya!" Malesh yelled, violently slapping Kniya's pointing hand away. "We are not extorting the largest religious organization in the country! They have holy assassins! Focus on the immediate problem!"
Malesh looked down at the fainted girl, then looked at his own hands. A look of deep, existential dread crossed his deadpan face.
"How are we going to move her to the hospital?" Malesh asked, his voice actually carrying a hint of genuine panic. "How should we touch her? Kniya, I haven't touched a woman in my entire life. How can we do that? Do I grab her by the shoulders? The ankles? Is there a designated lifting procedure?"
Kniya let out a long, arrogant laugh, completely ignoring Malesh's physical crisis.
"Well, Malesh," Kniya smirked, crossing his arms. "I am always prepared. And let me tell you a little secret... I had backup gas in my car this entire time."
Malesh froze. The color drained from his face. "...What?"
"I just lied to you just for that!" Kniya cackled wickedly. "I had a reserve tank in the trunk! I just made you walk because you wanted to catch a fucking flying underwear so badly! I wanted to see you suffer on the asphalt!"
Malesh's hands slowly curled into tight fists. "What the fuck did you do?! Why did you do that to me, Kniya?! I ruined my premium leather shoes! It is not fair!"
"Stop talking like a shit, you idiot!" Kniya waved him off, already walking back toward the luxury sedan parked a hundred meters away. "The gas is present in the car, we have the specialized gloves, and yeah, we are going to get her to the hospital! Now come help me get the hazard gear!"
The Radioactive Protocol
Ten minutes later, the massive R-12 sedan was fully fueled from the reserve tank and pulled up right next to the fainted Yatsua priestess. Kniya popped the trunk.
"Put these on," Kniya ordered, tossing a heavy pair of thick, industrial rubber gloves at Malesh.
But Kniya didn't stop there. He dug deeper into the emergency compartment of the trunk and pulled out two bright yellow, heavy-duty, lead-lined radioactive hazard suits.
"What the actual fuck is that?" Malesh asked, staring at the glowing yellow suits.
"We are touching a random woman from the forest!" Kniya yelled, frantically stepping into his hazard suit and pulling it up over his shoulders. "She can be incredibly weird! Our rich corporate minerals and sweat can be transferred to her skin! If she wakes up and finds our DNA on her, it could be a really dangerous court case! You know what happens in this country! Anything could happen! She could sue us for millions! It might be an elaborate insurance scam!"
Malesh paused, his pragmatic, highly cynical brain processing Kniya's insane paranoid logic.
"Yeah... you are mathematically right," Malesh agreed, quickly grabbing the second hazard suit and stepping into it. "This radioactive suit is absolutely necessary to prevent biological cross-contamination and legal liability. I didn't know that you had a radioactive suit along with the gloves in your trunk."
"I am a billionaire, Malesh," Kniya said proudly, zipping his thick yellow hood up. "I have enemies everywhere."
Fully encased in bright yellow hazmat suits and thick rubber gloves, the two billionaires waddled over to the fainted girl. They looked absolutely ridiculous.
With extreme, terrified precision—acting as if the girl was a highly volatile, glowing rod of raw uranium—they carefully pinched her clothes, lifted her off the asphalt, and clumsily deposited her into the luxurious backseat of the armored sedan.
The 470-Kilometer Ambulance
Kniya slammed the back door shut, ripped his hazard hood off, and jumped into the driver's seat. Malesh climbed into the passenger side, pulling his thick rubber gloves off.
"Alright," Kniya announced, putting the car in gear and slamming the gas pedal. "I checked the map. The nearest proper medical hospital is exactly 470 kilometers away, straight through this fucking forest."
"Drive fast," Malesh ordered, staring out the window at the endless blur of trees.
The heavy sedan roared down the forest highway, eating up the miles. For the first two hours, the only sound was the massive engine and the fast, ragged breathing of the unconscious priestess in the backseat.
Kniya tapped his fingers aggressively against the steering wheel, his eyes darting to the rearview mirror. His capitalist urges were eating away at him again.
"Okay, Malesh, listen," Kniya said, keeping his eyes on the road. "Do you think we should sell her badge?"
"What?" Malesh asked, annoyed.
"On the way! On the driving way!" Kniya clarified eagerly. "We can just pull over at a pawn shop! I can unpin the Yatsua badge right now!"
"Absolutely fucking no, Kniya!" Malesh yelled, completely appalled by the lack of focus. "Why the fuck are you saying like that?! We are actively transporting a medical emergency!"
"We can sell it for 100 credits!" Kniya argued, glancing in the mirror at the shiny silver metal. "It's free money!"
"It is more costlier than you think, you absolute moron," Malesh stated flatly, crossing his arms. "That is forged holy silver. It is worth at least fifty thousand credits. And if you try to sell a stolen priestess badge to a pawn shop for a hundred credits, the Yatsua religious guard will literally hunt you down and burn your company to the ground. Keep your hands on the fucking wheel and drive."
The Ten Trillion Credit Bill
Kniya drifted the heavy armored sedan right up to the emergency entrance of the nearest provincial hospital, slamming the brakes. They dragged the unconscious Yatsua priestess out of the backseat—still wearing their ridiculous yellow radioactive hazard suits—and shoved her onto a wooden medical gurney.
Once the nurses had taken her into the emergency ward and Kniya and Malesh had finally stripped off the sweaty hazard gear, they sat in the sterile, brightly lit waiting room.
A senior nurse walked out from the double doors, holding a heavy clipboard. She looked absolutely terrified. She walked straight past Kniya and handed the clipboard directly to Malesh.
"The initial billing assessment, sir," the nurse squeaked, quickly speed-walking away.
Malesh adjusted his dragon-themed tie and looked down at the itemized paper bill. His deadpan expression remained perfectly still for three seconds. Then, his eyes narrowed.
According to the ink on the paper, the cost for admitting one fainted woman into the emergency ward was exactly 10,000,000,000,000 credits.
Malesh kept reading. At the very bottom of the official hospital invoice, written in messy handwriting, were the words: Made by fucking great Kniya Anderson.
Malesh slowly lowered the clipboard. He made his fist completely ready, pivoted on his heel, and delivered an absolute, flawless, devastating punch directly into Kniya's shoulder.
THWACK!
"Ow! What the fuck?!" Kniya yelled, jumping out of his plastic waiting room chair and rubbing his arm. "Why the fuck did you do that? Are you insane or what?!"
"Did you even bribe the hospital to extract extra money from me?!" Malesh yelled back, completely dropping his robotic composure. He aggressively shoved the clipboard into Kniya's chest. "This is a fucking fake bill! It literally says 'Made by fucking Kniya Anderson' right at the bottom! Why the fuck would you do that?!"
"I was just joking!" Kniya cackled, clutching his stomach as he laughed at Malesh's rage. "I know that you are not going to actually pay that amount! I just wanted to see your face!"
"It's literally a ransom!" Malesh snapped, pointing an accusing finger. "I am not going to pay someone ten trillion credits literally for a simple fucking emergency admission! You corrupt bastard! I know exactly what you are going to do with this money! You are going to throw a massive party and buy useless imported sports cars, but useless mansions and villas,you idiot bastard!"
"You are absolutely fucking right!" Kniya grinned shamelessly.