Filler Special: The "Auto-Correct" Apocalypse and the Love Hotel Hazard
The universe, Lucian Gremory had decided, possessed a very specific and sadistic sense of humor.
It started as a simple errand. Akeno Himejima had requested Lucian's help to pick up "supplies" for the club—which turned out to be high-grade ritual incense and surprisingly expensive tea. Then, the heavens opened up. Not a light drizzle, but a torrential downpour that turned the streets of Kuoh into a river.
"Ara ara, Lucian-kun. We're going to be soaked to the bone," Akeno purred, leaning into him under a tiny, failing convenience-store umbrella. Her wet school uniform was already beginning to cling to her curves in a way that made Lucian's pulse skip a dangerous beat.
"There's a hotel right there," Lucian pointed toward a bright, neon-lit building. "We just need to dry off until the rain lets up."
He didn't look at the sign. He didn't see the pink hearts or the "Hourly Rates Available" banner. He just saw a roof.
The moment they stepped into the lobby, decorated with velvet curtains and a very suggestive vending machine, Lucian's heart sank into his shoes. It wasn't just a hotel. It was the hotel.
Bzzzt. Bzzzt.
His phone vibrated with the intensity of a live wire.
[Message from: Rias ❤️]
Rias: "Lucian? Where are you? The rain is terrible. Are you back at the dorms?"
Lucian's thumbs hovered over the screen. He was sweating. Akeno was currently peeling off her wet blazer behind him, humming a tune that sounded way too much like a mating call.
Lucian: "I'm at my cousin's home. Safe and dry!"
Rias: "A cousin? In this district? That's strange. I'm actually at Issei's (EC's) house right now checking on his training. I didn't see you leave."
Lucian's eyes widened. Dammit, the King is on the move!
Lucian: "I mean! I just left EC's home. I'm training! Training in the rain! Hard work!"
Rias: "Training? In this storm? You're so dedicated, darling. I have an important question. I'm trying on a new outfit for our date. Be honest... how do I look?"
She sent a photo. It was Rias in a stunning, form-fitting dress that highlighted every legendary curve of the Gremory bloodline. Lucian's brain short-circuited. He meant to type: "You look stunning. How far from the mirror are you? I can't see the whole thing."
But his fingers were wet, and the hotel's Wi-Fi was spotty.
Lucian: "How fat you are."
The silence from the phone was deafening. Lucian stared at the screen, his soul slowly leaving his body.
Rias: "Fat? You're calling me... fat? After I just shared my heart with you? I thought you loved me, Lucian!"
Lucian: "NO! AUTO-TYPE! RIAS! I meant FAR! Not FAT! You are beautiful! You are a goddess!"
Rias: "Yes, yes. Likely story. I suppose I'm just a 'heavy' burden for my Bishop, right? Is that why you're 'training' so far away?"
Lucian's fingers were flying now, desperate to fix the damage. He tried to type: "Rias, I'm sorry. I only have eyes for you." Lucian: "Akeno, I'm sorry. I only have eyes for you."
Rias: "AKENO?! You bastard! You're chatting with me, but your heart is still with her?! I knew it! I saw how she was flirting with you in the locker room! I should have punished you both weeks ago!"
Lucian: "NOT AKENO! Typing mistake! The phone remembered the name because we were talking about tea supplies!"
Rias: "Oh, so you talk about her so much that my name is now auto-corrected to hers? I see how it is. She seduced you, didn't she? You got seduced by my Queen and you're showing disloyalty to your King!"
Lucian was now pacing the small, heart-shaped room, whispering frantically at Akeno to please stop unbuttoning her shirt.
Lucian: "I am sorry, Rias. I am sitting here alone. Please, believe me."
Auto-Correct: "I am Sona, Rias. I am sitting here alone. Please, believe me."
Rias: "SONA?! Now you're talking to the Sitri President too?! Who am I even talking to? Is this a group chat for your harem?! I'm affectionately school!" (She meant: "I'm affected by this.")
Lucian: "Rias, I love you only! You are a beautiful gal!"
Auto-Correct: "Rias, I love you only! You are a beautiful gel!"
Rias: "A gel? I'm a hair product now? Fine. I will give you one chance to fix this. Type 'I love you' and nothing else. No mistakes."
Lucian took a deep breath. He wiped his screen. He carefully tapped the letters. He wanted to say: "I love you like the sakura flowers, Rias."
Lucian: "I love you like Akeno, Rias."
The phone didn't just vibrate; it felt like it let out a death rattle.
Rias: "THAT IS IT. DAMN YOU, BASTARD! When you come back, I am dragging you to the private room personally. Physical training is DOUBLED. You are sticking posters for the festival all through the night. NO EXEMPTIONS. NO GENTLEMAN TREATMENT. Work ethics are doubled! TRIPLED!"
The Video Call Coup de Grâce
"Rias, wait! Please!" Lucian typed, his thumbs trembling. "I'll do anything! A date! A hundred dates! Just don't let Sirzechs see the phone!"
Rias: "A date? Fine. Prove you're alone. Do a video call. Now."
Lucian panicked. He looked at Akeno, who was currently draped across the heart-shaped bed, looking like a literal dream of sin. "Akeno! Hide! In the bathroom! Anywhere!"
Akeno didn't hide. She smiled—that beautiful, sadistic, "ara ara" smile.
Lucian hit the video call button, holding the phone close to his face so only the beige wallpaper was visible.
"See, Rias? I'm in a... study lounge. Very quiet. Just training my... mind," Lucian said, sweating buckets.
"Lucian-kun..." Rias's face appeared on the screen, looking skeptical but slightly softened. "You look very flushed for a study lounge."
Suddenly, a pair of pale, slender arms wrapped around Lucian's neck from behind. Akeno leaned her head onto his shoulder, her wet hair brushing his ear. She looked directly into the camera with a look of pure, unadulterated mischief.
"Oh, darling..." Akeno cooed loudly, her voice echoing in the small room. "You brought me to such a naughty love hotel. What are you going to do to me now? You're so... naughty."
"AKENO, NO!" Lucian hissed.
Akeno snatched the phone from his hand. "He's busy right now, President! We'll call you back when he's... finished."
CLICK.
The call cut. The screen went black.
Back at the Occult Research Club, Rias Gremory stared at her phone in a silence so profound it felt like the world had stopped spinning. Slowly, a dark, crimson aura began to leak from her body, cracking the floorboards beneath her feet.
"Lucian..." she whispered, her voice a promise of absolute carnage. "You are so... dead."
The Return of the Prodigal Bishop
Two hours later, the rain stopped.
Lucian walked into the ORC clubhouse with the gait of a man heading toward a guillotine. Akeno followed behind him, humming happily and swinging her shopping bags.
The room was freezing. Issei was sitting in a corner, trembling. Kiba was staring at the floor. Asia was praying for Lucian's soul.
Rias was sitting at the head desk. She wasn't shouting. She wasn't crying. She was smiling. It was the most terrifying smile Lucian had ever seen in two lifetimes.
"Welcome back, Lucian," she said sweetly. "How was your... 'training'?"
"Rias, I can explain! The hotel was just to dry off, and the phone was—"
"Shhh," she stood up, walking toward him with a slow, predatory grace. She placed a hand on his cheek. It was cold. "No more talking. You have a long night ahead of you."
She leaned in, whispering into his ear so only he could hear. "Poster duty is just the beginning. Since you love 'gels' and 'fat' people so much, I've decided you don't need sleep for the next forty-eight hours. My room. Now. We have... re-education to begin."
Lucian looked at Akeno, who just winked.
"I'm a dead man," Lucian whispered.
"No," Rias smiled, dragging him by the collar toward the private chambers. "You're my dead man. And we're starting with a double shift."
[Filler End: The Auto-Correct War is over, but the "Physical Training" has just begun.]