An hour later, JiHo and I enter dance studio number 8 with our blankets and my computer. We had time to do our evening routine, meaning stretching, washing up, and doing our beauty routine. Inside the room, Cat and JunHo were already there. They were playing a game of rock-paper-scissors, for a reason I ignore. When they saw us enter, they headed toward us to help us set our things on the floor.
_ What are you doing? I ask Cat in English.
We had all decided today to speak English with him more often to help him improve. Because it could be a hindrance to his debut if he isn't able to communicate with the others. In his group for Phase 2, he was lucky. Another Thai candidate was in the same group as him and took care of the translation. But for the next challenges, we can't be certain he'll have the same luck. So JunHo and I decided to speak less Thai and Japanese with him to help him improve quickly.
_We were playing together. Cat simply replies.
I smile at him and rub his head. He scrunches his face in response, pouting.
_Phi Ana, s-stop that!! He exclaims in English. You're going to stop me from growing if you keep doing this. He continues in Thai.
_ Sorry. I brought some hair ties. Do you want me to tie your hair?
I ask him while pointing to his head so he understands more easily, and showing him my bag of head accessories.
_Yes! He smiles.
He takes me by the hand and we head toward JunHo and JiHo, who were already settled on the floor. JunHo was practically slumped over JiHo, cuddling her like a stuffed animal. JiHo, although she looks a bit uncomfortable, lets him do it. From what I've noticed, JiHo is less comfortable with physical contact than JunHo. But seeing her endure the proximity because of JunHo reminds us that, in their own way, they are truly close.
I sit down with Cat and begin decorating his head. While I was focused on Cat's short curly hair, the door opens one last time to let Isidora and Lovro in.
_ Guys, are you sure we're allowed to be here? Lovro asks.
_Don't worry, I asked the producers. They said the rooms are free to access outside of competition hours. It's just that the cameras are always running.
JiHo answers without even lifting her head from her phone.
_ What a relief. Lovro sighs.
He settles on the floor next to JunHo. He pulls out a deck of cards and the two of them start playing. Meanwhile, Isidora sits right next to me and tries to help me style Cat's head. The latter cheerfully refuses her.
_Anael look, he refuses to let me touch him. she pouts.
_ You can style my braids instead. I reply to her.
_ Really!! She smiles, forgetting her spat with Cat.
Without hesitation, she crouches behind me, because I am too tall for her. Then she begins braiding my braids into two large pigtails.
_ Your braids are so well done! Did you do them yourself? She asks.
_No. I know how to braid, but these were done by my father. It relaxes him to braid us. I cough. To braid my hair.
My father, Helio, and my mother, Orchydée, always braided us themselves, Océane and me. Since I was little, my mother and father took the time to do our hair. My father more than my mother because she was often busy. But she never failed to braid our hair when she had the time. It was a bit of our mother-daughter moment. She would share the hospital gossip with us, and we would talk to her about our lives. When I grew up, I learned to braid to help Océane in her beauty pageants. I could then try hairstyles on my mother too. And she loved it; she always boasted about the fact that I braided well. Styling our hair has always been an important element of our lives. As a Black woman who grew up in conflict with her hair, my mother wanted us to have a positive relationship with our hair and our Black skin. She never allowed us to relax them, and we never had the need to do so. Océane and my mother were my personal dolls. Then Océ died and nothing was ever the same again. Mom tried to braid me a few weeks after her death, but she broke down in tears. It brings back too many memories for her.
She knows that I am not Océane, but her brain can't tell the difference when I am sitting at her feet with my back to her. She remembers that lost time, and every time, she cries. Now only my father is left to braid me, and I am the one who braids my mother. Although it is also painful for him, he uses this moment as a way to show me even more of his affection. On the day of Océane's funeral, while I was beside myself, stoic like a doll, it was my father who had styled my hair.
That morning, my father styled my hair into two tightly pulled buns. While he brushed my coily hair with gel to hold it in place, I saw in the mirror for the first time in my life my father, Helio, strong and reliable, weeping bitterly. My father has never been a toxic man who swears that men must be virile and strong at all costs. He had already cried with us at movies or for our accomplishments. But I had never seen him collapse in tears like that before me. It broke my heart. He composed himself later and confessed to me that he loved taking care of my hair. Despite the pain, it relaxed him. And so I continued to let him braid my hair.
Isidora, surely noticing that I was lost in my thoughts, called my name. Seeing that I was uncomfortable and practically on the verge of tears, she rubs my shoulder to share some comfort. My hand automatically reaches for the pendant around my neck. I take three deep breaths to compose myself. I really don't want to be edited like a "pick me" in the show. I really don't want to milk the sympathy. Even if I know that what happened with my sister is no secret. Océane was already famous when she died, and the scandal was in all the newspapers in Canada. A simple Google search is enough to find out. After meeting me, Cat told me he found the news about Océane when he was searching for info on me. I suppose all the participants who want to know are already aware. That my sister was killed by using her nut allergy. And that the culprit is free in the wild.
Thinking about that, my heart tightens. My hand automatically joins my pendant around my neck. I know it's not something I can hide. And I don't want to hide it. The person who killed my sister is free. The world continues to move on without Océane. That's why I want her story to be known. So that she is never forgotten. On the other hand, I would want that if the subject is discussed during the show, it is done with respect. No matter what people think of me, Océane cannot be dragged through the mud. I turn my attention back to the group to distract myself from my thoughts.
_JiHo, can you put the show on please?
_ Hum... What's your password?
_#Tparty
_Alright. She whispers in response.
She unlocks the computer, and the home screen is a photo of me and my sister smiling broadly. I had forgotten that was the wallpaper. JiHo gives me a quick glance then connects to the internet to search for the show. She starts the show and, as if by magic, the atmosphere, tense without my realizing, melts away directly like ice. Cat, as his name suggests, curls up in my arms. I am truly amazed by how from one moment to another he can be excited like a puppy, then calm down as if it were nothing. It's fascinating to observe. While Cat is practically curled into my left side, I begin to tie Isidora's hair.
The first episode of the show opens with Faouzia's performance. And everyone starts singing the song unconsciously. Set Fire to the Rain by Adele sounded like background music. As if we had sung together for years, our voices harmonized instantly. JiHo and Cat even take the opportunity to add a small freestyle rap in the middle of the song. I watched with admiration as JunHo and Isidora sang in unison on the high notes of Set Fire to the Rain by the candidate Faouzia. It was incredible. I join them in their momentum for the finale and it becomes a trio. Our three different yet so intertwined voices, combined with Lovro's stable soprano voice in the background. I felt like we were almost there. It was almost perfect. I don't know what's missing, maybe more practice. But for the moment, it's enough to make me feel at ease.
The moment the music quietens, the six of us look at each other and I can almost see the shivers running through everyone. At that moment, I understood that we had truly found each other. It was perhaps too early to say, but I have the strong impression that these members could debut right now. It might not be perfect yet, but I feel it deep inside me. One ingredient, just one ingredient is missing and the symphony will be complete.
_ Guys, that was incredible. You are so talented! Lovro exclaims.
_ WE are so talented. Isidora affirms.
_ That's a fact. JiHo smiles.
___
References:
_ Faouzia: (Faouzia Ouihya) A Moroccan-Canadian singer-songwriter and musician.
_ Set Fire to the Rain: A song by Adele.
_ Chapter inspired by the song Used to be Young by Miley Cyrus.
Thank you for reading and have a nice day.