[The Tour - The Master Bedroom]
After everyone had eaten (and Choji had decimated the buffet), I led the "Grand Tour."
"And this," I announced, stopping in front of the double doors on the second floor. "Is the Sanctum Sanctorum. The Master Bedroom."
"Is it soundproof?" Ino asked teasingly.
"Let's find out," I smirked.
I threw the doors open.
The room was massive. King-sized bed. Silk sheets. Mood lighting.
But what caught everyone's attention were the Posters.
Covering the entire east wall was a high-resolution, full-color poster of Mei Terumi (The Mizukage). She was wearing a swimsuit that was mostly suggestion and very little fabric. Her pose was scandalous.
Next to it was a poster of Tsunade Senju, leaning over a gambling table, cleavage defying gravity.
And right above the bed, a neon sign that buzzed softly: [BONK GO TO HORNY JAIL].
Silence.
Sakura's jaw dropped. "K-Kenji! What is... who are... why is she naked?!"
"That is Art, Sakura," I stated, walking into the room and flopping onto the bed. "That is the Mizukage. A woman of power and taste."
"She looks like a stripper!" Ino shouted, though she was staring intently at the makeup style.
Kiba whistled. "Whoa. She's hot. Where did you get that?"
"I have sources," I said mysteriously. "The dark web of the ninja world."
Shino adjusted his sunglasses. "The composition is... striking."
"See?" I pointed at Shino. "Shino gets it. Shino is a man of culture."
Sasuke stood in the doorway, looking disgusted. "You put pictures of enemy Kage on your wall? That's treason."
"It's diplomacy, Sasuke," I corrected. "If she invades, I'll just say I'm a fan. Boom. Peace treaty signed."
I patted the space next to me on the bed.
"Ladies," I grinned at Ino and Sakura. "The mattress has memory foam. It remembers... everything. Want to test the bounce?"
"IN YOUR DREAMS!" Sakura yelled.
"Ew!" Ino wrinkled her nose, but she sat on the edge to test it. "Okay, it is comfortable. Where did you buy this?"
"I imported it," I lied. "From the Land of Spring."
Suddenly, Naruto burst into the room, dragging a blushing Hinata.
"Kenji! The microwave exploded! I put a fork in it!"
"Naruto..." I groaned, face-palming. "You can't put metal in the science oven!"
"But I wanted to heat up the fork!"
I looked at the chaos.
Kiba was sniffing my Icha Icha collection on the shelf. Ino was judging my curtains. Sasuke was brooding by the window, probably thinking about killing Itachi. Hinata was about to faint because Naruto was holding her hand. Shino was talking to a spider in the corner.
"Perfect," I smiled.
[Skill: Elastic Chakra (Bungee Gum)]
I flicked a finger. A strand of gum attached to the rug under Kiba's feet.
Yank.
"Whoa!"
Kiba slipped, flailing his arms. He grabbed onto the nearest thing—which happened to be Sasuke.
Sasuke, caught off guard, stumbled back.
They both fell onto the bed.
Bounce.
They landed in a compromising position. Kiba on top. Sasuke on bottom.
"..."
"..."
The room went silent.
"Aww," I cooed, taking a mental picture. "Sasuke, I didn't know you swung that way. Akamaru is going to be jealous."
"GET OFF ME!" Sasuke roared, kicking Kiba into the ceiling.
"KENJI!" Sakura and Ino screamed. "Did you do that?!"
"Me?" I raised my hands innocently. "I'm just a Gardner. I tend to the flowers of youth."
I dodged a flying pillow thrown by Sakura.
[System Notification] [Party Status: Chaotic Success.] [Social Bonds: Strengthened (Through trauma).] [Shameless Points: +1,000.]
"Alright, everyone!" I clapped my hands. "Pillow fight! Winner gets a free copy of Make-Out Tactics!"
"I don't want that trash!" Sakura yelled.
"I do!" Kiba shouted.
And so, the night devolved into violence. Just the way I liked it.
****
The party had hit a lull. Choji was as Kibap in a pile of empty chip bags. Shino was conversing with a house spider in the corner.
"Alright!" I clapped my hands, standing on the sturdy mahogany coffee table like a dictator addressing his subjects. "Attention, peasants, freeloaders, and future subordinates!"
Everyone looked up.
"This party is boring," I declared, pouring myself another glass of 'juice'. "We need stakes. We need drama. We need... The King's Game."
"King's Game?" Sakura asked, tilting her head. "What's that?"
"It's simple," I produced a wooden cup filled with numbered chopsticks. "Everyone draws a stick. One stick has the word 'King' on it. The King gives an order. The numbers must obey. Absolute obedience. No refusals. If you refuse... you pay 10,000 Ryo to the host."
Sasuke scoffed from the corner. "Childish."
"Scared, Uchiha?" I taunted, swirling my glass. "Worried you'll be ordered to kiss Naruto again? I know the trauma runs deep."
Sasuke turned pale, his hand instinctively covering his mouth. "I'm in. I'll prove I can handle anything you throw at me."
[Round 1]
The sticks were drawn.
"I AM THE KING!" Kiba shouted, jumping onto the sofa and holding up the stick. "Yes! Okay! Number 3 must... act like a dog for five minutes! Bark at the moon!"
Shino sighed deeply. He held up the Number 3 stick.
For the next five minutes, Shino sat silently on the floor, occasionally letting out a monotone "Woof." It was the most depressing dog impersonation in ninja history.
[Round 2]
"King!" Ino cheered, flipping her hair. "Okay! Number... 5! Must tell us who their crush is! Right now!"
Silence.
Hinata turned bright red. She held up the Number 5 stick. She looked at Naruto (who was oblivious, trying to balance a spoon on his nose).
"I... I..." Hinata stammered. She looked like she was going to faint from the steam erupting from her head. "I... admire... people who... like ramen! And... have whiskers!"
"BOOO!" Ino shouted, throwing a pillow. "Cop out! Be specific, Hinata!"