I stared at the screen, my finger hovering over the "Purchase" button. The sheer potential for degeneracy was intoxicating.
"Holy shit," I whispered reverently, wiping a drool of anticipation from my lip. "I'm going to become a God. A Sex God. The Sage of Six Sheets."
I looked at my remaining 8,500 SP balance after the gacha spins. It was a decent amount, but looking at the prices, I couldn't buy everything. I had to prioritize.
"System," I said, my voice trembling with excitement. "I want to buy it all, but I don't have enough points. I need to invest wisely. What is the most important thing for a man?"
Stamina.
"System," I commanded. "Max out the Sexual Endurance. I refuse to be a three-minute hero. That's embarrassing. Even boiling cup noodles takes longer than that."
[Transaction Processing...] [Calculating Maximum Affordable Endurance...] [Purchase: +57 Minutes of Delay Control.] [Cost: 5,700 SP.] [Current Sexual Endurance: 60 Minutes (1 Hour).]
"Perfect," I exhaled, feeling a strange surge of control in my lower regions. The trigger was no longer a hair-trigger; it was a heavy, rusty lever that only I could pull.
"Now," I looked at the remaining 2,800 SP. "I need a weapon."
I scrolled down.
"Magic Tongue (Lalolo Technique). Cost: 2,000 SP. Guaranteed squirt within 30 seconds? Sold."
[Transaction Complete.] [Skill Acquired: Magic Tongue.]
My tongue suddenly felt... dexterous. Powerful. I flicked it against the air, and it moved with the speed of a hummingbird's wing. Thwip-thwip-thwip.
"Terrifying," I grinned. "And for the last 800 SP... let's add some length. Just for the aesthetic."
[Transaction Complete.] [Dick Length Increased by 2 inches.]
I looked down at my pants. They felt tighter.
"Ready for war."
*****
[The Next Morning]
The sun hung high over Konoha. The streets were busy, but for Team 7, it was a rare day of freedom.
I met Naruto near the Academy swing. He was sitting there, kicking the dirt, looking like a puppy who had been told walkies were cancelled.
"Yo," I walked up, looking fresh.
"Kenji!" Naruto jumped up. "Finally! I've been waiting for hours! What are we gonna do?!"
"Do?" I yawned, stretching my arms. "Kakashi-sensei said we have a few days off. That means rest, Naruto. Recovery. Maintenance."
"Boring!" Naruto shouted, throwing his hands behind his head. "I want a mission! A super S-Rank mission! Or at least some training! Kakashi-sensei just disappeared into a puff of smoke reading that book you gave him!"
"He's studying art, Naruto. Let the man cultivate his mind."
"But I'm bored!" Naruto kicked a stone. "Sasuke is off brooding somewhere, Sakura is probably stalking Sasuke... and I'm just here! Let's do something cool! Let's prank the Hokage! Let's paint the monument!"
I started walking down the street, hands in my pockets. "I'm going to get some dango. You can come if you pay."
"Cheapskate! You have millions of Ryo!"
"That's why I'm rich. I don't spend it."
We walked for about a minute.
[Observation Haki: Ping.]
I stopped.
"Naruto," I said, my voice dropping to a whisper.
"What?" Naruto blinked, sensing the shift in my tone. "What is it? Enemy attack?"
"We're being followed," I stated calmly, not turning around.
Naruto froze. He instantly reached for a kunai. "Where? Who? Is it Zabuza? Did he come back from the dead again?"
"No," I sighed. "It's far worse. It's a master of camouflage."
I pointed a finger behind us.
"Look at that rock."
Naruto spun around.
In the middle of the paved street, sitting conspicuously on the cobblestones, was a square rock.
A perfectly square rock.
With two eye holes cut into it.
And it was moving. Creeping forward inch by inch.
Naruto squinted. He tilted his head. He scratched his cheek.
"That's... a weird rock," Naruto muttered. "It's square."
"Yes, Naruto. Square rocks are very common in urban environments," I deadpanned. "Nature is amazing."
The rock froze.
"It has eyes!" Naruto gasped, pointing.
"Go check it out," I nudged him.
Naruto crept toward the rock. He poked it.
"Hey! Rock!"
POOF.
Smoke exploded from the rock.
"Cough! Cough!"
Three small figures emerged from the smoke, striking dramatic poses.
"I think we used too much gunpowder, boss!" one squeaked.
"Shut up, Moegi!"
Standing in the center was a small boy with a long blue scarf that dragged on the ground. He wore a yellow shirt and a helmet with goggles.
"Ha! You noticed me!" the boy shouted, pointing at Naruto. "As expected of the man I view as my rival!"
[Target: Konohamaru Sarutobi] [Status: The Honorable Grandson / Brat.] [Threat Level: Low (Annoying).]
"Who are you?!" Naruto yelled.
"I am the grandson of the Third Hokage!" Konohamaru declared. "Konohamaru! And I challenge you to a battle!"
"A battle?" Naruto blinked. "You're just a little kid!"
"Don't underestimate me!" Konohamaru charged, tripping over his own scarf immediately.
SPLAT.
He face-planted right at Naruto's feet.
"..."
Silence.
"Are you okay?" Naruto asked, poking him.
"I meant to do that!" Konohamaru scrambled up, face red. "It was a feint!"
I watched from the side, leaning against a wall.
"So," I called out. "This is the Honorable Grandson? The future of the Sarutobi clan?"
Konohamaru turned to me, narrowing his eyes. "Who are you?"
"I'm Kenji," I smiled, a dark glint in my eye. "Naruto's financial advisor. And..."
I leaned down, looking at the two kids behind him (Udon and Moegi).
"Moegi, right?" I looked at the girl with the orange pigtails.
[Anatomy Scan] [Target: Moegi] [Status: Child.] [Potential: Wood Release User (Dormant).]
Wait. Wood Release? I blinked. Canon actually made that a thing? Interesting.
"You kids playing ninja?" I asked patronizingly.
"We are the Konohamaru Corps!" Konohamaru shouted. "And we're going to defeat Naruto-niichan!"
"Right," I stood up. "Well, have fun with that. Naruto, don't kill him. The Hokage will cut our pay."
"I'm not gonna kill him!" Naruto yelled. "He's just annoying!"
Suddenly, Konohamaru looked at Naruto with sparkling eyes.
"Hey, Boss!" Konohamaru whispered loudly. "Teach me that jutsu! The one you used on the Old Man! The Sexy Jutsu!"
Naruto grinned. His ego inflated instantly.
"Oho? You have good taste, kid! You want to learn the Art?"
"Yes! I want to defeat my Grandpa!"
I stepped in.
"If you want to defeat the Hokage," I said, putting a hand on Konohamaru's shoulder. "Sexy Jutsu is good. But it's basic."
Konohamaru looked at me. "Basic?"
"Yes," I nodded solemnly. "To defeat a God of Shinobi... you need Structure. You need Plot. You need Tentacles."
"Ten...tacles?" Konohamaru tilted his head.
"Kenji!" Naruto shouted. "Don't corrupt the kid! He's like eight!"
"I'm teaching him strategy, Naruto," I smirked. "Konohamaru, if you want real power... come find me later. I have some 'study material' that will blow your grandfather's mind. Literally. He might have a stroke."
Konohamaru looked torn between Naruto's "Sexy Jutsu" and my mysterious "Forbidden Arts."
"I... I'll think about it!" Konohamaru stammered. "But first! Sexy Jutsu!"
He looked at Naruto. "Boss! Let's go train!"
"Yeah!" Naruto cheered. "Let's go!"
They ran off, leaving me standing there with Udon and Moegi.
Udon sniffled, a trail of snot hanging from his nose.
"You guys want candy?" I offered.
"Stranger danger!" Moegi screamed, grabbing Udon and running away.
"Smart kids," I chuckled.
I turned around.
"Well," I stretched. "Naruto is busy corrupting the youth. Sasuke is brooding. Sakura is useless. I have a whole day free."
Author's Note:
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