[Golden Quill Publishing - Doorstep]
"One last thing, Akane-san," I said, pausing at the door with the signed contract tucked safely into my inventory.
She looked up, her face still flushed, her blouse disheveled, and her glasses foggy from the sheer heat of the situation. Her breathing was still ragged. "Y-Yes, Kenji-sama?"
"Do not use my real name. I am a ninja; fame is a poison to my profession. Publish these works under a pseudonym."
"Understood! What name shall I use?"
I smirked, looking at the blue sky beyond the slums.
"The Midnight Gardner."
"Because," I whispered, winking at her, "I tend to the flowers that bloom in the dark."
Akane shivered, her thighs clamping together instinctively as the innuendo hit her. "I... I will make sure the world knows the Gardner's work!"
I walked out, leaving a very confused and very aroused woman in a foreclosure office.
[System Notification] [Quest Complete: The Lord of Culture] [Reward: 500 SP] [Passive Income Stream: Established.]
****
[Hokage's Office - 30 Minutes Later]
Team 7 was standing below the Hokage building.
Naruto was vibrating with impatience, Sasuke was brooding against a wall, and Sakura was fuming, stomping her foot on the ground. Kakashi was reading his book, though his foot tapped impatiently.
It seemed they were waiting for a certain someone.
I strolled in, hands in my pockets, looking fresh as a daisy.
"You're late!" Sakura screeched, pointing an accusing finger. "Where were you?! We've been standing here listening to Naruto complain about Tora the Cat for twenty minutes!"
Kakashi lowered his book, fixing me with his dead fish eye. "Kenji. You know, punctuality is a virtue. Especially for a rookie."
"My apologies, Sensei," I said smoothly, bowing slightly. "I was detained by a humanitarian crisis."
"Crisis?" Naruto blinked. "Did you fight a villain?"
"In a manner of speaking," I sighed, putting on a tragic expression. "A lonely widow down the street... her pipes were backed up. The pressure was building, threatening to burst. She begged for my help. I couldn't just leave a lady in distress, could I?"
I looked at the horizon solemnly.
"I had to go in there and... relieve the tension. It was wet work, messy... but I drained the blockage."
Silence.
Kakashi's visible eye twitched violently. A hash mark throbbed on his temple. He's talking about plumbing... but why does it sound like the plot of a cheap porno script I read last week?
Sakura turned bright red, her mind going to places she strictly denied visiting. "Y-You... disgusting..."
Sasuke looked at me with pure revulsion. "You're the worst."
Naruto, bless his pure, oblivious heart, nodded solemnly. "Wow! Plumbing is hard work! Good job helping the old lady, Kenji! Did you fix the sink?"
"I fixed everything, Naruto," I patted his head. "She was very satisfied."
****
[Inside the Hokage's Office]
We stood in a line before the large wooden desk. The room smelled of old paper and pipe tobacco.
Sitting behind the desk was Hiruzen Sarutobi, the Third Hokage.
I looked at the old man.
The Professor. The God of Shinobi.
My ass, I thought, suppressing a sneer.
If he is a God, then what was Hashirama? A Titan? Hiruzen was a politician masquerading as a grandfather. Outwardly benevolent, preaching the "Will of Fire," but inwardly? He was the enabler of Konoha's rot.
He let the White Fang—a man stronger than the Sannin—commit suicide out of shame. He let Danzo and the Elders corner the Uchiha until genocide was the "only option." He let the Cloud Village kidnap Hinata, and then allowed the Hyuga clan to sacrifice Neji's father to appease the kidnappers.
His list of failures was longer than my search history. He didn't pull the trigger, sure. He just watched while everyone else did, then sighed and said, "It's for the village."
Rotten, I thought, my eyes cold.
At the same time, Hiruzen Sarutobi was studying me.
He took a puff of his pipe, his eyes sharp beneath the wrinkled lids. He looked at Naruto, then at me.
Kenji Sato, Hiruzen thought. The anomaly. The orphan with no clan who somehow befriended the Jinchuriki, taught him... questionable... techniques, and recently defeated Kakashi using a Harem Jutsu.
The reports on his desk were headache-inducing. Peeping incidents. Strange influence over his peers. A distinct lack of "respect" for authority.
He is chaos, Hiruzen mused. But as long as that chaos keeps Naruto happy and loyal to the leaf... I will allow it. For now.
"Team 7," Hiruzen spoke, his voice raspy. "I have your next mission assignments here."
He picked up a scroll.
"Babysitting the Daimyo's grandson... Shopping for the neighboring village... digging potatoes..."
"NO!"
Naruto crossed his arms, forming an 'X'.
"I want a real mission!" Naruto shouted, interrupting the Hokage. "No more cats! No more diapers! I want to fight! I want something cool! Give us a C-Rank!"
Iruka, standing to the side, panicked. "Naruto! Watch your tone! You are just Genin!"
"It's fine, Iruka," Hiruzen chuckled, though his eyes weren't laughing. He looked at Naruto's stubborn face. Then he looked at Kakashi, who shrugged.
Then he looked at me.
I yawned. "Give the kid a bone, Hokage-sama. If he chases one more cat, he might accidentally let the Fox out just to nuke the feline."
Hiruzen's eye twitched. Is that a threat or a joke? With this kid, I can't tell.
"Very well," Hiruzen sighed, putting down the D-Rank scroll. "If you are so insistent... I will give you a C-Rank mission."
Naruto cheered. Sasuke perked up.
"It is a protection mission," Hiruzen explained. "You will be escorting a certain individual to the Land of Waves."
"Who is it? A princess? A feudal lord?" Naruto asked excitedly.
"Please come in," Hiruzen called out to the door.
The door slid open.
A man walked in. He was holding a bottle of sake, swaying slightly. He had gray hair, a towel around his neck, and eyes that screamed 'I am an alcoholic with a death wish'.
He took a swig of his bottle, looked at us, and sneered.
"What's this?" the old man grunted, his face flushed with drink. "A bunch of snot-nosed brats? And..."
He pointed at Naruto. "The short one with the stupid face looks like he's going to die first."
"Who are you calling short with a stupid face?!" Naruto raged, trying to lunge at him. Kakashi held him back by the collar.
"I am Tazuna," the man announced, burping. "A master bridge builder. You will escort me to the Land of Waves and protect me with your lives until I finish my bridge."
I leaned against the wall, activating [Anatomy Scan] out of habit.
[Target: Tazuna] [Status: Drunk / Lying / Broke.] [Threat Level: E (Civilian).] [Wallet: Empty.]
I smirked.
A C-Rank mission? Yeah right.
This cheap old drunk didn't have the money for a B-Rank or A-Rank, so he lied about the difficulty. He had Gatou and the Seven Swordsmen of the Mist after him.
Zabuza Momochi, I thought, feeling a thrill of excitement. And Haku.
This wasn't a protection mission. This was a boss rush.
"Well," I said, stepping forward and flashing Tazuna a dangerous smile. "Don't worry, old man. We'll get you there."
I looked at the Hokage.
"We accept."
Hiruzen nodded. "Dismissed. Gather your gear and meet at the gate in one hour."
As we walked out, I patted my inventory pouch.
Zabuza's Executioner's Blade... I mused. I wonder if I can steal it? Or better yet... Haku. That trap is too pretty to die.
"System," I whispered. "Prepare the looting protocols."
[Mission Accepted: The Bridge Builder's Lie] [Difficulty: A-Rank (Hidden)] [Objective: Recruit Zabuza.] [Bonus Objective: Don't let Sasuke die (optional but recommended).]
Author's Note:Advance chapters, bonus comedy scenes, and less-filtered humor are available on Patreon.👉 patreon.com/evilUchiha