Showbiz grabbed Ruho by the arm and physically dragged him over to the femboy's section, her supernatural strength making resistance pointless. "ALRIGHT FOLKS! We've reached the FINAL selection! The LAST briefcase! The BIG FINALE! You know what they call the end of a game show? The SHOW-DOWN! Get it? Show? Down? I'm UNSTOPPABLE tonight!"
The femboy stood up nervously, smoothing down their crop top. Up close, Ruho noticed they were maybe an inch shorter than him, with delicate features and those impossible proportions that his sleep-deprived, trauma-addled brain still interpreted as "definitely a girl."
"Hi," the femboy said softly, their voice gentle. "I'm... I'm really rooting for you. I hope this one is good."
"Thanks," Ruho said, managing a weak smile. "Me too. I really, really need this to be good."
The three briefcases sat on the pedestal in front of them, identical and unknowable. Ruho stared at them, his mind completely blank. Left? Middle? Right? Did it even matter? The universe clearly had it out for him.
"Take your TIME!" Showbiz announced, teleporting around them in circles. "FEEL the energy! SENSE the possibilities! Or just pick randomly, that works too! The cosmic dice don't care about your DECISION-MAKING PROCESS! They're DICE! They don't have FEELINGS! Unlike ME, who has SO many feelings right now! Mostly excitement! And hunger! When's LUNCH?"
"There is no lunch, you're dead," someone from off-stage—probably a Kyle—pointed out.
"IRRELEVANT!"
"What? gods dont even die to get here.." Ruho said, confused.
Ruho reached for the right briefcase. His hand hovered over it. Then moved to the left one. Then back to the middle. He had no idea. No logic. No strategy. Just pure, exhausted randomness.
"The left one," the femboy said quietly.
Ruho looked at them. "What?"
"The left one feels... lucky?" They shrugged, looking embarrassed. "I don't know. Just a feeling. You don't have to listen to me."
Ruho looked at the left briefcase. Then at the femboy's hopeful expression. Then back at the briefcase.
"Fuck it," he muttered. "Left one it is."
He grabbed it, opened it before he could second-guess himself, and—
The golden light that spilled out was brighter than any of the previous cases. Way brighter. The text that materialized was larger, bolder, glowing with an intensity that made the crowd gasp.
LEGENDARY SKILL: PATRON
Any mortal currently watching the user can choose to fight for them for 60 seconds. The chosen patron receives a temporary power-up and skill that represents their fame, historical significance, or overall badassness. Cooldown: 24 hours per unique patron.
The stadium went absolutely insane.
People were on their feet screaming. Gods were applauding. Even the cryptids were making excited noises. Tyrix and his wife had apparently finished their... activities... and emerged from backstage, both looking thrilled.
"THAT'S—" Showbiz's voice actually cracked with genuine excitement. "THAT'S A LEGENDARY TIER SKILL! Those have like a POINT-ZERO-ZERO-ONE PERCENT chance of appearing in briefcases! This is INSANE! You know what they call incredible luck? IN-CRED-IBLE! Because you should give it CREDIT! AHAHAHA!"
Ruho stared at the text, his brain struggling to process what he was reading. "Wait. So... anyone watching me can fight for me? Like, actually manifest and fight?"
"For sixty seconds!" Showbiz confirmed. "With POWERS based on who they were in life! So like, if a legendary warrior chose to fight for you, they'd get combat abilities! If a famous inventor chose you, they'd get creation powers! It's SCALABLE! It's AMAZING! It's—"
Ruho wasn't listening anymore. He spun around, saw the femboy standing there looking just as shocked as he felt, and without thinking, pure adrenaline and relief and joy overriding his brain, he grabbed them in a hug.
"You're my lucky charm!" he shouted, lifting them slightly off the ground. "Holy shit, you're actually my lucky charm! That was amazing advice!"
The femboy made a small squeaking sound, their face going absolutely crimson. Their arms hung awkwardly for a second before carefully, hesitantly wrapping around Ruho in return.
"I... I'm glad it worked out," they said, their voice muffled against Ruho's shoulder. "I'm really happy for you."
Ruho set them down, released the hug, and immediately launched into a victory dance that had no rhythm or coordination but was fueled by pure ecstatic energy. He was pumping his fists, jumping up and down, doing some kind of weird shuffle-step that probably looked ridiculous but he didn't care.
"YES! YES! FINALLY! SOMETHING GOOD! SOMETHING ACTUALLY USEFUL! I CAN—"
He felt a hand on his shoulder.
Not a friendly hand. A heavy hand. The kind of hand that suggested the owner could crush boulders for fun.
Ruho's victory dance died immediately. He turned slowly.
Lu Bu stood there, towering over him at seven and a half feet of pure intimidation. His expression was neutral, but his eyes were intense.
"Listen carefully, boy," Lu Bu said, his voice low and dangerous. "This patron skill. When you use it. If I am not the FIRST one you choose to fight for you..." He leaned down, bringing his face closer to Ruho's. "I will kill you the next time I see you."
"I—but you're already—I mean you're dead, you can't—" Ruho stammered.
"I will find a way," Lu Bu said simply. "The afterlife is eternal. I have time. And I hold grudges." He straightened up, his hand still on Ruho's shoulder. "First choice. Me. Understand?"
"Y-yes sir," Ruho squeaked. "First choice. Definitely. Absolutely. Would not dream of choosing anyone else first."
"Good." Lu Bu released him and walked back to his seat like he hadn't just casually threatened murder.
Before Ruho could process that interaction, reality folded.
The stadium disappeared. The stage vanished. Showbiz's voice was suddenly everywhere and nowhere.
"WELL FOLKS! That's our SHOW! Ninety minutes of DIVINE ENTERTAINMENT! Thanks for watching DIVINE INTERVENTION! Tune in next week when we make this poor soul's afterlife complicated for YOUR AMUSEMENT! Remember—existence is suffering, but at least it's ENTERTAINING suffering! GOODNIGHT!"
Confetti exploded in the air even though Ruho was no longer in the stadium. Fireworks that didn't exist burst in colors he couldn't see. And then—
Ruho was sitting on his couch in his castle living room.
The massive hundred-inch screen was gone. The connection to the divine stadium was severed. The presence of over a million watching entities had disappeared like someone turned off a faucet.
He sat there in complete silence, still covered in dried crocodile blood, his body aching from being kicked by a briefcase, his mind reeling from divine sex horror, and stared at the empty space where the screen had been.
"What," he said to the empty room, "the actual fuck just happened?"
No one answered. The gods were gone. The show was over. He was alone again in his torture-chamber-equipped castle on a plateau surrounded by blood hound corpses.
But he had new powers now. A 10x mana boost—two hundred mana points. Killing Intent—the ability to sense danger and survive at all costs. Launched Splinter—okay, that one still sucked. And Patron—a legendary skill that could summon champions to fight for him.
And he'd lost Solid Jump, but honestly, who cared about jumping when he could potentially summon Lu Bu to murder his enemies?
Ruho sat on his couch, processing everything, and realized he had no idea what time it was or how long he'd been gone or if any of that had actually happened.
His stomach growled, reminding him that divine game shows didn't actually feed him.
He stood up, walked to his torture-furnace full of slow-cooking crocodile meat, and tried to figure out what his life—or afterlife—had become.
"I need a shower," he muttered. "And therapy. Mostly therapy."
The castle didn't respond, because castles can't talk. (woww you dont sayy....)
But somewhere in the divine realm, over a million entities were already posting about tonight's episode on whatever social media platforms existed in the afterlife, and Ruho's face was probably going viral in ways he couldn't even imagine.
His adventure was far from over.
It had barely even begun.