After getting praised by the Six-Tails, Kurama felt a hell of a lot better.
Its expression softened on the spot.
'The Six-Tails really is worthy of—'
"Cough, cough."
"Of course," Kurama said, lifting its chin with unearned pride. "First of all, the close, inseparable bond you've been watching between Naruto and Sasuke was achieved through my subtle guidance."
"Huh? Holy crap! So the director of that disgusting little soap opera we've been forced to watch this whole time was you, you damn fox!" Shukaku froze for a second before exploding into curses.
"Everyone, look! I told you Kurama was a naturally shameless slut! See? I was right!"
"...You stupid tanuki, you're focusing on the wrong damn thing!" Kurama deadpanned.
"Yeah, Shukaku, drop that crap for now. Let Kurama explain his plan."
"Kurama did a solid job. If Naruto and Sasuke are tangled up together, Naruto will burn way less energy on us. But the danger is still there."
"Kurama, please. If you have any other methods, we'll cooperate."
The other Tailed Beasts started backing Kurama up. After all, Kurama had an actual solution.
Shukaku, on the other hand, just stood there acting like a professional contrarian, screaming insults.
"You... you guys?!" Shukaku sputtered, stunned to realize it had just become the target of everyone's criticism.
But the second it snapped back to reality and met Kurama's pitch-black gaze, a chill ran down its spine.
'This naturally shameless Nine-Tails isn't planning to make me sacrifice myself first and go give Naruto some kind of... freaky thank-you gift, is it?'
"You're right. Sasuke alone won't cut it. That's why we need to attack this from multiple angles. Ideally, we need to send another Tailed Beast to infiltrate his inner circle. And Shukaku's meat-suit, 'Gaara', is the perfect candidate." Under Shukaku's horrified gaze, Kurama dropped the bomb.
"Oh, that's right! Gaara controls sand! When he uses the sand to 'play' with Naruto, Shukaku can hijack his body and use that jutsu on Naruto..." Matatabi, the Two-Tails, chimed in, eager to share her twisted little idea.
"Sand Burial?" Shukaku guessed.
"Exactly! Sand Burial! Just crush Naruto's junk straight up, and then we're safe, right?!" Matatabi displayed the brutal, psychotic destructive impulse of a cat demon!
Fortunately, everyone in the cage was a Tailed Beast.
They lacked the relevant "hardware," so hearing those words didn't make them flinch.
Except Kurama.
Because of its current seal connection, Kurama and Naruto operated as one mind and one body.
Whatever Naruto felt, Kurama felt.
And the reverse was true.
Whatever Kurama felt, Naruto felt.
So Kurama already knew exactly how phantom nut-shots felt!
"No! I will not allow you to mutilate my jinchūriki! Matatabi, you've gone too far!" Kurama roared.
"Why? It's fine to make me and Gaara sacrifice ourselves, but the second your own meat-suit's dick is on the chopping block, suddenly it's not okay? This is a permanent solution!" Shukaku seized the chance to bite back.
When Kurama proposed making Gaara take one for the team, Shukaku lacked the balls to object.
If it fought back then, the other beasts would have ganged up on it.
But now, it had an opening.
"Yeah, Kurama, isn't that a bit hypocritical? You're fine with us throwing our vessels to the wolves, but when it comes to your own, suddenly it's unacceptable?" Matatabi scratched her cheek with a massive claw, annoyed.
"..."
Kurama's opinion of Matatabi sank low.
Right now, the two-tailed cat ranked only slightly above Shukaku, who spent the last ten minutes throwing a tantrum.
Originally, Kurama's grand master plan left Matatabi out of the crosshairs.
But with the cat acting like a bitch, Kurama had to draft a special role for her and let her get exactly what she asked for.
"Cough, cough. You think I wouldn't push the button? Have you idiots still not realized it? Why does Sasuke have the Rinnegan? Why did he unlock the Rinnegan right after bonding with Naruto?
"That is the Sage of Six Paths' eye!
"Naruto and Sasuke are the chakra reincarnations of the Sage's two sons!
And you want to crush the bloodline's 'joystick'?! Can you look the Sage of Six Paths in the eye after ending his lineage?! Hm?!
We Tailed Beasts have always been called monsters by the trash of the shinobi world, but we know we are nobler than them. Those humans are the real animals. Are we going to degrade ourselves and act like actual beasts?!"
Kurama dropped the bomb about Naruto's status as Asura's reincarnation and flipped the board.
The other Tailed Beasts immediately shut up.
Matatabi, who pitched the castration idea, lost her nerve.
She lowered her head, flattened herself against the ground, and started meowing to play dumb.
The Tailed Beasts could ignore a lot of bullshit, but they drew the line at disrespecting the Sage of Six Paths.
"Then what's the plan?"
"Yeah, what now?"
"Kurama, we'll follow your lead."
After a heavy silence, the others surrendered.
Kurama's authority among the beasts solidified!
Setting power levels aside, Kurama occupied the vessel of the Sage of Six Paths' own son!
"Actually, Matatabi's idea wasn't terrible. It was just... way too brutal." Kurama threw the cat some respect to soothe her ego, then pressed forward.
"Look at the broadcast outside. Jiraiya is asking Naruto to spread his degenerate Sage Mode shortcut. The key point is right there."
"The key point is there?" The Tailed Beasts, clueless about human biology, stared in confusion.
"Exactly. The 'joystick' has a durability limit. As long as we force Naruto to burn through that durability on his own, he won't have the stamina to use it on us! For this to work, I have to make sure Naruto gets addicted to that shortcut. I cannot allow him to master proper Sage Mode through hard work." Kurama laid out the logistics with a dead-serious face.
"How do you guarantee that? By using Tailed Beast chakra to interfere with him whenever he masturbates? Won't he notice the sabotage?" Gyūki, the Eight-Tails, asked.
"It is interference, but not chakra interference." Kurama shook its head. "Right now, Naruto and I share physical sensations. So whenever he tries to sit still and gather natural energy the right way, I just need to rub against my own body and trigger some distracting thoughts. His focus will snap. And he won't suspect a damn thing! He'll just think his dick randomly itched for some weird reason."
"So, Kurama, how many times have you interfered with Naruto so far?" Gyūki asked.
"Zero."
"..."
"Naruto is completely addicted to masturbating. Up until now, the brat hasn't bothered trying the proper method a single time," Kurama admitted, grimacing.
The Tailed Beasts fell into a stunned silence.
"That's a solid plan!"
"Bulletproof."
"As expected of Kurama. His wisdom is god-tier!"
"Hold your applause." Kurama cut off the shower of compliments. "This plan cannot stand on its own. We have to execute it alongside the other operations I mentioned earlier. So, Shukaku, you still need to persuade your meat-suit to get closer to Naruto and make absolutely sure not a single point of Naruto's durability gets spent on us."
"..."
'I probably don't need to "persuade" him to do shit,' Shukaku thought.
Gaara would absolutely volunteer!
In fact, if Shukaku tipped him off, Gaara might use the mission as an excuse to finally grow a pair and make a move.
"Besides Shukaku, there's also Matatabi."
Kurama finally drew its blade, eyeing the two-tailed cat who talked shit earlier.
The fox already drafted a special mission just for her.
A pitch-black, evil smirk spread across Kurama's face.
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