Skiing, by definition, is a sport where you hold ski poles in both hands and glide across the snow.
Team 7 hit the Land of Snow once, so maybe "skiing" became one of Sasuke's repressed late-night hobbies.
A beautiful dream, really.
Except the guy was so exhausted his dream workout synced up perfectly with reality.
(Since two of the root member sleeping besides sasuke, what sasuke grab is their pp)
Jerk, jerk, tug.
Everyone else was out cold, but Sasuke's dream workout was way too intense.
Sai woke up and just stared in blank confusion, wondering what kind of two-handed stamina training Sasuke was dreaming about.
The other member of the sealing team, however, had it much worse.
Like Sai, he used to be one of Danzo's Root goons.
He too had gone through interrogation and review before joining his current department.
Root guys usually specialize in poisons and sealing. This guy was mid at combat, but top-tier with seals.
He used to be loyal to Danzo and even thought about going rogue after the old man died.
But his wife was a sweet woman who hated violence.
She talked him into staying, getting him through Tsunade's background check.
Yep.
He was a married man.
So unlike Sai, he wasn't curious—he was terrified!
He knew it! Why else would he start missing his wife in the middle of a mission?
"Hiks.. Amy, my purity is ruined…"
The poor guy bit his lip and stared at the night sky, choking back tears.
As a sealing specialist, he never thought he'd have to sacrifice his actual family jewels in the line of duty.
And don't even ask why he didn't fight back.
Sai didn't pull away because he was studying human behavior.
But this guy? The second he tried to yank his "dick" out of Sasuke's grip, he heard Sasuke mutter the word "Chidori" in his sleep.
He knew exactly what Chidori was.
Kakashi's signature lightning assassination jutsu.
Even worse, he could feel a tingling, numb sensation wrapping around his... yeah.
Sasuke was discharging live electricity while working the shaft in his sleep.
He couldn't risk waking the kid up.
If Sasuke got startled and fired off a full-power Chidori, his manhood was getting vaporized!
The only silver lining was that Sasuke burned a ton of chakra before passing out.
The bad news? Sai fed him a soldier pill, giving him a second wind.
The good news? The pill was expired, so Sasuke didn't just relentlessly "ski" in his sleep—he wore his own arms out doing it.
But could the guy really gamble his future on that?
Could he bet his balls that Sasuke didn't have enough chakra left for one little spark?
If Sasuke did... well, Kakashi's Raikiri got its name by cutting a lightning bolt.
Sasuke's Chidori was about to earn the legendary title of "Bird Cutter."
"I can't die here… I already picked out a name for my future daughter…" Shigaraki Tanuki muttered, cold sweat dripping down his face while he endured the most high-stakes handjob of his life.
...
And so, the agonizing night passed.
Meanwhile, back at base, Makoto received a report from White Zetsu.
After absorbing a ton of Asura's "Origin of Life" cells, Sasuke awakened the Rinnegan.
Then the domino effect hit.
White Zetsu caught the entire late-night "skiing" incident in 4K and reported it straight back to Makoto.
"Man, if Boruto wasn't already out of the picture, I'd suspect Sasuke was preemptively castrating his daughter future father-in-law."
Makoto was speechless after hearing the play-by-play of the "ski pole" fiasco.
The poor Root guy was Shigaraki Tanuki.
If you didn't follow Boruto, the name meant nothing.
But his future kid was famous: Shigaraki Sumire, the cute class rep and the first major boss of the sequel!
Under Danzo's orders, Tanuki ran a black-ops project called the Gozu Tennō Plan.
Don't get it twisted—it wasn't some freaky NTR cuckold scheme.
It was just an edgy name for a sealing jutsu. The actual goal was using Hashirama cells to breed a magical beast called Nue.
Yep.
Once again, the ultimate ninja duct tape: Hashirama cells.
At this rate, in a few thousand years, Hashirama is going to be worshipped as the literal God of Creation.
Every single thing in the universe will somehow trace back to his cells.
Nue looked like a bootleg Raikou from Pokémon.
It could absorb chakra and negative emotions, then self-destruct.
At max capacity, the blast could wipe Konoha off the map.
Because obviously, flattening Konoha is the universal unit of measurement for terrorism.
Supposedly, Danzo's grand idea was to drop this suicide bomber on Konoha's enemies and take them out together.
But honestly, it was a stupid invention.
It didn't feel like an anti-village weapon. It felt like something built specifically to screw over Naruto.
Why? Because the stupid thing had to gorge on chakra until it was stuffed before it popped.
And in the whole ninja world, the only idiot who would look at a chakra-absorbing vacuum and say, "Oh yeah? Let's see how much you can eat!" and voluntarily pump it full of chakra until it exploded… was Uzumaki Naruto.
You might think: Danzo spent his life building a faulty weapon that either didn't work, or blew up and killed the user, with no remote detonator… Isn't that insulting his intelligence? Isn't that just pinning Boruto's lazy writing on a legacy character?
Danzo was the ultimate scapegoat, sure, but he didn't deserve to carry every trash plotline on his back.
But if you really think about it… Danzo's ultimate trump card was the Reverse Four Symbols Sealing, a jutsu designed to kill himself just to seal away half a bridge.
So backing the Gozu Tennō Plan to build an unstable suicide pet? Yeah, that was totally on brand for the old bastard.
It's just that… White Zetsu brought Makoto some tragic news.
Tanuki was actually a pretty pitiful dude.
Because he was terrified Sasuke's Chidori was going to fry his dick, he tapped into his hardcore Root training and gritted his teeth through the entire night of high-speed skiing.
And as a result… he had a major medical problem now.
Sasuke's hand was buzzing with a low-voltage electric current the whole time he was working the pole.
It wasn't lethal, and it barely even hurt.
But that didn't mean his dick walked away undamaged. Sasuke basically put the poor guy's dick through a low-temp slow cooker.
According to Orochimaru's biology notes, a guy's "balls" hang outside the body specifically to keep them cool.
They need to stay at a lower temp to keep the 'swimmers' alive.
But now? After an all-night electric friction session?
Tanuki's dick were deep-fried.
The guy was definitely going to have a villainous mental breakdown.
In his mind, if you lost an arm or a leg, whatever—slap some Hashirama cells on it and you're good.
But replacing that hardware? That was a whole different game.
And even if you could graft a wood-style replacement down there, when his wife got pregnant, would the kid even be his?
Or would he be raising Senju Hashirama's biological baby?
At that point, the Gozu Tennō Plan really would turn into the ultimate NTR Cuckold Plan!
"Here's what we're gonna do, White Zetsu. Send him an invite. Tell him Orochimaru runs a fertility clinic," Makoto decided.
He sure as hell wasn't going to personally sculpt a new set of balls for a total stranger.
Besides, Tanuki wasn't totally a lost cause—he just ended up shooting blanks like a certain unfortunate old man.
They might as well let Orochimaru use the same test-tube magic he used to make Sarada, and just help Tanuki artificially spawn Sumire instead.