"What's with this fainting nonsense? Did she use her Byakugan to peek at something cursed and short-circuit her brain?" Fu scoffed from the sidelines.
"Everyone, stop joking around! We need to pinch Kushina-nee's philtrum to wake her up!" Rin urged.
She wanted to help, but the others were blocking the sidewalk, so she was stuck offering verbal encouragement.
"Step aside, I'm a professional!"
Hearing this, an eager Fu dropped into a squat and firmly pinched Kushina right in the... ahem, lower middle area.
"FU, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!" Rin and Hanabi shrieked in horror.
"Isn't that the philtrum? The middle?" Fu tilted her head, genuinely confused.
"...Are all Jinchūriki this dense?" Rin suddenly realized the Seven-Tails host was just as brain-dead as Kushina's son.
"Fu, don't tell me you thought 'pinching the philtrum' meant literally grabbing a person by the crotch?" Hanabi asked cautiously.
Even though Hanabi was the youngest, growing up as the Hyuga heiress meant she actually paid attention in biology class.
And Rin, being a certified Medical Ninja, was just questioning her life choices.
"But... isn't that how you wake people up? Karin told me!" Fu protested innocently, pointing an accusing finger at the redhead behind them.
"I-I learned it from my mother!" Karin stammered, looking equally innocent. "The Grass Village used my mom as a medical ninja, but the patients had to be conscious to bite her. To wake the dying ones up, the ninja had to pinch their 'philtrum' to shock them awake!"
"Then you should know the right spot!" Rin exclaimed, rubbing her temples. "How could a medic not know this?"
"But doesn't pinching the philtrum wake people up by inflicting extreme pain?" Fu asked. "I saw Karin's mom crush a ninja's 'philtrum' once, and he woke up screaming his lungs out!"
"..."
"Karin... the philtrum is actually here," Rin said after a long, stunned silence, pointing to the small groove under her nose.
Rin sighed and glanced at Kushina, who was still dead to the world on the pavement.
"Good thing Kushina-nee is in an Edo Tensei body," she muttered. "Otherwise, that pinch would have left one hell of a bruise."
Wait a minute...
"Zombie bodies don't feel pain," Rin realized out loud. "Pinching her anywhere won't do anything."
She quickly swatted Hanabi's hand away, as the Hyuga girl was about to test the crotch-pinch theory on Fu.
"Oh, right." Hanabi nodded. "Wait a second. If immortal edo tensei don't feel physical pain, why did she faint?"
"I have no idea," Rin replied, looking down at her mentor. "Could it be some kind of severe spiritual damage?"
Edo Tensei bodies were immune to injury, never got tired, and didn't need sleep.
This sudden blackout defied all their logic.
Left with no other options, the group hoisted Kushina up and hauled her to the Medical Department.
"Huh? Hikari-nee, what are you doing at the clinic? Are you hurt?" Hanabi asked, noticing the legendary Uchiha Hikari stepping out of Yakushi Nonou's examination room.
In Hanabi's eyes, Hikari was a god-tier kunoichi.
Who could possibly injure her?
"Sick? Does a ninja with a Susanoo even catch colds?" Hanabi asked, her curiosity peaking.
"If it's private, don't worry about it!"
"It's nothing serious," Hikari replied nonchalantly, gesturing toward Nonou. "The Director warned me that bottling up homicidal rage and stress can lead to breast nodules, so I came in for a preventative screening."
"Huh? Is that really a thing? Good thing I'm always cheerful," Hanabi gasped.
"It's true," Nonou said with a gentle, professional smile. "Did you know Lady Tsunade took on two disciples in Konoha? Those girls pester her every single day, begging for the 'secret to growing bigger.'"
"The Yamanaka girl is doing fine; she hit puberty and is developing normally. But the pink-haired one... well, she's constantly stressed and punching people. She was furious that her rival developed first, and her teammate defecting recently only made her rage worse."
Nonou adjusted her glasses. "Then, out of nowhere, her chest started developing. Thrilled, she rushed to Lady Tsunade's office to brag, only to be diagnosed with tumor! Tsunade had to perform surgery on the spot."
"The surgery was a total success. No side effects, no scars... leaving her completely flat again."
"...That's just really tragic," Hanabi whispered, her jaw dropping.
She was still young, but judging by her older sister Hinata's ridiculous genetics, Hanabi was confident she wouldn't suffer that fate.
But the pink-haired girl Nonou described had suffered a devastating blow!
Already flat-chested, she found a glimmer of hope only to learn it was a tumor.
And the worst part? The medical cause was "stress and anger."
Meaning Sakura was stripped of her right to even be mad about losing her chest, lest the tumor grow back.
"Stop daydreaming! What are you girls doing in my lobby? Where's the patient?" Nonou's sharp tone snapped Hanabi back to reality.
"QUICK, PUT KUSHINA-NEE ON THE BED!"
Hanabi's yell jolted the others out of their gossip daze.
They dumped Kushina onto the examination table.
"Another Edo Tensei body?" Nonou, currently an edo tensei herself, raised an eyebrow.
'How could an undead ninja with a regenerating body possibly pass out?'
"Yeah, Kushina-nee was shopping with us when she just dropped," Rin explained.
"No one attacked her... It must be a massive chakra imbalance or psychological shock," Nonou murmured, stroking her chin while she checked Kushina's vitals.
THUD!
Hikari, who had been about to leave the clinic, overheard the mystery.
Being a pragmatic Uchiha, she decided to help resolve the problem.
With a swift, casual motion, Hikari summoned a glowing Susanoo blade, decapitated Kushina right on the medical bed, and crushed her severed head under her boot like a grape!
The entire lobby stared in stunned, horrified silence.
Due to the cheat-code nature of the Edo Tensei, paper scraps swirled together, instantly regenerating Kushina's crushed head.
"What happened?" Kushina groaned groggily, her brain successfully rebooted.
She sat up on the bed, shivering. "Oh god... I feel like I just watched something way more traumatizing than the limited Infinite Tsukuyomi..."
'Uh...'
The group snapped out of their daze.
'Wait... that brutal method actually worked?!'
"Kushina-nee, you were just—" Rin began to explain.
SMACK.
Nonou slapped a hand firmly over Rin's mouth.
As the Director of the Medical Institute and the village's lead therapist, she knew a severe PTSD response when she saw one.
Now was not the time to remind the poor woman about whatever unholy things she saw!
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