Nurmengard, Underground Arena.
This place had been transformed into a brilliantly lit runway. Countless floating recording crystals captured every angle, broadcasting live to the global wizarding community.
The host was Lucius Malfoy. Wearing a towering top hat and holding a microphone, his voice trembled with excitement:
"Ladies, gentlemen, and trolls! Welcome to the first annual 'Jedi Master · Baldness Championship'! Please welcome our first contestant—the former Dark Lord, now a walking fashion disaster—Gellert Grindelwald!"
Accompanied by the stirring 'Prussian Glory March,' Grindelwald slowly rose from the lift.
The audience gasped, followed immediately by stifled laughter.
To hide his baldness, Grindelwald had commissioned dwarves to craft a wig made of pure gold. For "realism," it was studded with hundreds of diamonds that blinded anyone who looked directly at it under the spotlights.
The problem was... it was heavy.
At least ten pounds.
Grindelwald's neck was crushed sideways at a 45-degree angle, making it look like he was permanently "gazing back at the moon." He had to wear a massive metal neck brace for support, and every step he took was accompanied by the creak-creak of grinding gears.
"This is... a tactical neck accessory!" Grindelwald gritted his teeth, trying to maintain his aloof persona. But because his neck was crooked, his glare at Lucius looked more like a confused squint. "It's called 'Asymmetrical Aesthetic'! What do you mortals know about fashion?"
"Let's welcome contestant number two!" Lucius quickly changed the subject. "The man who will do anything for hair volume... Mr. Riddle!"
Voldemort walked out.
He wasn't wearing a wig.
On his unripe-watermelon-green scalp, there sat a gigantic, pink, lace-trimmed bow.
Because he had overdosed on hair tonic (Snape's special blend, no less), his scalp was still green, but that single pigtail had actually grown out—and it was naturally curly.
"Is this..." Voldemort struck an incredibly stiff "cute" pose, resting his chin on his hands. "Am I... the Dark Witch?"
Dead silence filled the arena.
Then, the livestream chat exploded:
[User_Giantess]: OMG! That Gap Moe! Love it, love it!
[User_Draco]: Father... no, Master, where is your dignity?
[User_SnapeFanClub]: Is that bow the dishrag I threw away?
"This is a 'Dimensional Strike'!" Voldemort hissed at the camera. "Since I can't beat Grindelwald's wig weight, I will conquer the judges with cuteness! Quirrell! Bring the props!"
Quirrell wheeled out a cart of Blast-Ended Skrewt manure (for the talent portion).
"And now, our three judges!" Lucius shouted. "Hogwarts Headmaster, Albus Dumbledore! And... our special guest, a Blast-Ended Skrewt!"
The Skrewt sat at the judges' table wearing a tuxedo, currently gnawing on a fried skrewt leg (cannibalism much?).
And Dumbledore...
He had been forcibly dragged onto stage by Ivan.
To prevent his "Macho Muscles" from stealing the contestants' thunder, and to hide the fact that he might also be facing a hairline crisis, Dumbledore was forced to wear a rainbow-colored afro wig.
Combined with his Schwarzenegger-like muscles, he looked like a macaw in a suit.
"Let the judging begin!" Lucius shouted.
Round 1: The Runway Walk.
Grindelwald took two steps. The wig was so heavy he nearly face-planted into the judges' table. Thankfully, he used his wand to nail his feet to the floor.
Voldemort tried to do a catwalk, but his pink bow came loose and floated over to land on Grindelwald's gold wig, hanging there like a decoration.
Dumbledore sat motionless. His wig was so big that if he turned his head, it would fall off.
Round 2: Talent Show.
Grindelwald performed "Fiendfyre Breathing." Unfortunately, the flames caught onto his gold wig (or rather, heated it up), and he had to cast Aguamenti on himself to cool down.
Voldemort performed "Parseltongue Rap." Due to his lack of a nose, he had a serious spitting problem, drenching the Skrewt in the front row.
The Skrewt judge burped and sprayed a jet of acid, corroding half of Voldemort's bow.
"Now!" Lucius shouted excitedly. "To up the stakes, we are revealing the Grand Prize of this tournament—Headmaster Dumbledore's 'First Kiss Photo'! Provided courtesy of Mr. Grindelwald!"
The crowd went wild.
Back at Hogwarts, watching the screen, Snape crushed the teacup in his hand.
"Albus's first kiss..." Snape's face turned livid. "I want to see which bastard..."
Grindelwald smugly snapped his fingers.
A yellowed photograph floated into the air.
In the photo, a young Dumbledore had his eyes closed, looking intoxicated with love.
And the recipient of his kiss...
Was not Grindelwald.
Nor was it any human.
It was a llama.
A long-necked, grass-chewing, blank-staring llama.
The arena went dead silent for three seconds.
Then, earth-shattering laughter erupted.
Even Voldemort was rolling on the floor laughing. "Hahahaha! Albus! You gave your first kiss to a sheep?! Is that your taste?!"
Dumbledore's (Muscle Version) face turned liver-purple, his rainbow afro tilting in anger.
"That was... that was Barty!" Dumbledore roared. "That was my test subject when I was researching 'Cross-Species Emotional Communication' in the Department of Mysteries! Gellert! You spied on me!"
"That is love, Albus." Grindelwald said sarcastically, his neck still crooked. "You'd kiss a llama but not me. Guess I rank lower than livestock in your heart."
Just then, the giant Blast-Ended Skrewt (judge) chewing on the fried skrewt leg suddenly reacted.
Seeing the llama in the photo seemed to trigger some kind of "Cross-Species Resonance" or "Imprinting 2.0."
It stood up abruptly and let out a soulful cry directed at Dumbledore:
"Mom... Mom...?"
Audience: ???
Dumbledore: ???
Ivan suddenly slapped his thigh. "I get it! That llama was a Horcrux too! The Skrewt sensed the aura of its kin!"
> [System Alert: Hidden Plot Detected! Dumbledore's first kiss, 'Barty' the Llama, was actually one of the accidental containers for Voldemort's soul fragments!]
Voldemort's laughter cut off instantly.
He looked at the Skrewt, then at the llama in the photo.
"Are you saying..." Voldemort pointed a trembling finger at the Skrewt. "That thing... is also me?"
The Skrewt looked at Voldemort with deep affection, and then...
It pounced.
A giant tongue licked Voldemort's entire face.
"AHHH! Get off! You disgusting lizard-dog!" Voldemort screamed, pushing it away. "Don't lick my bow! That's haute couture!"
Chaos erupted on stage.
Grindelwald laughed so hard his neck brace snapped. The gold wig fell onto his foot, and he hopped around in pain clutching his toes.
Dumbledore stood up in anger to snatch the photo, but his rainbow afro fell off, revealing a shiny bald head underneath (Turns out he was bald too!).
"Cut the stream! Cut it now!" Dumbledore roared at Ivan.
But why would Ivan cut it?
He was busy uploading product links.
"Fam! Emergency drop! 'Dumbledore Style · Llama Kiss Commemorative T-Shirt'! Only 998! Also 'Grindelwald Style · Gold Neck Brace'! And 'Voldemort Style · Pink Bow'! Order now and get a free bottle of Skrewt saliva!"
> [System Alert: Sales exceeded 100 Million Galleons! Ivan Potter is now the richest wizard in the world!]
Just then, Snape, who had been silent, suddenly appeared on the livestream feed (teleporting via Magic Mirror).
He looked at Dumbledore's shiny dome on the screen, then at Ivan's screen full of "Hair Tonic Ads."
Snape's eyes became extremely dangerous.
"Ivan," Snape's voice sounded like it came from the depths of hell, "since the Headmaster's hairstyle is public knowledge, I have no need to hide anymore."
He reached up and pulled off his own wig.
Underneath wasn't a bald head, but a head of hair so thick it was offensive, naturally curly and lush.
This was the result of using Ivan's "Glass Shard Hair Tonic."
"My hair," Snape smiled a 'nuclear' kind smile at the camera, "was grown back using Potter's compensation money. To thank everyone, I have decided to launch 'Professor Snape's Special Reserve · Hair Tonic · Supreme Black Diamond Edition.' Price: Your entire family fortune."
Ivan's smile froze.
"Professor, chill! That's my formula!"
"It's mine now." Snape raised his wand. "Also, Ivan, that T-shirt you were selling with the bald image... I believe that was photoshopped by me, wasn't it?"
Ivan looked down at his sample T-shirt.
It featured a bald professor with the caption: "Anti-Baldness Cautionary Tale."
It was indeed Snape's old look, but Ivan had photoshopped it to look even uglier.
"HELP!!"
Ivan let out a scream as Snape grabbed him by the collar.
Meanwhile, in the chaotic Nurmengard arena.
Voldemort finally broke free from the Skrewt's licking.
He looked at the fallen gold wig on the floor, then at the pink bow remaining on his head.
He made a decision.
He picked up the gold wig, put it on, and used glue to stick the pink bow on the front.
"Quirrell," Voldemort looked at his reflection in a puddle, eyes glazed. "Do I have a... 'Cyberpunk · Wasteland Aesthetic' vibe now?"
Quirrell looked at the gold wig paired with the pink bow and hesitated for a long time.
"Master... this is called 'So tacky it's trendy.' I think... maybe third place?"
"Third place?" Voldemort sneered. "I'm going for the championship. Go bring the Skrewt here. I'm forming a 'Mother-Child Duo' for the doubles competition."