Early Morning, Hogwarts Great Hall.
The serious long tables were gone, replaced by small round tables covered in pink tablecloths with lit candles.
The air was filled with a sickly sweet rose scent—the system's default "Romantic Atmosphere Effect."
Students were no longer eating; instead, each held a copy of The Guide to Romance, frowning as they practiced "How to elegantly reject a Troll's courtship" with the air.
"This is your so-called 'Metaverse Reboot'?" Snape stood at the Staff Table, face darker than the day his hair potion was ruined.
He was holding a leash attached to... a red ball of yarn?
No, that wasn't yarn. That was Professor McGonagall's Animagus form—a tabby cat.
> [System Alert: Professor Snape's "Destined CP" Bound: Minerva McGonagall (Cat Form). Current Affection: -50 (Because you stepped on her tail just now).]
"Explain, Potter." Snape's wand tip pointed at Ivan, voice sounding like it came from hell. "Why is my dance partner a creature that only sheds fur? And it was sharpening its claws on my robes just now!"
The tabby cat meowed, elegantly licked the back of Snape's hand, eyes full of provocation.
"This is System Big Data matching!" Ivan sat nearby, holding a bucket of popcorn, pointing at Snape's chest. "The system detected your heart rate is most stable when facing Professor McGonagall, and your tolerance for 'furry creatures' is as high as 90% (mainly because you're going bald yourself, mutual sympathy)."
"Ridiculous!" Snape was about to explode when the tabby cat rubbed its head against his calf, purring.
Snape's body stiffened for a second.
Then, expressionless, he pulled a potion from his pocket, poured it into his palm, and fed it to the cat.
"Is that... hair growth potion for cats?" Ron was stunned. "Professor Snape carries pet supplements?"
"Shut up, Weasley." Snape said coldly. "This is 'Fur Softener'. If I don't maintain its fur, the shedding will clog my cauldron."
Just then, a loud boom came from the Forbidden Forest.
BOOM!!
The entire castle shook, and candles toppled over.
"Bad news!" Hagrid rushed into the hall panting, holding a... no, a pile of Skrewt fragments?
"Ivan! Those Blast-Ended Skrewts! They ate the leaked reactor waste and absorbed the 'Love Data' from the Metaverse, and now... now they've become monsters!"
Before he finished, the Great Hall's ceiling was torn off.
A giant Blast-Ended Skrewt, three stories tall, covered in spikes, spewing green fire, lay atop the castle ruins, gazing affectionately at Hagrid with eyes the size of truck heads.
"Ma... Ma..."
A deep, resonant voice, like a subwoofer, echoed in everyone's minds.
Dead silence.
Hagrid froze, then teared up: "Oh! My little baby! You can talk? Although you look like you could swallow a Thestral carriage whole, you're still Mommy's good boy!"
The giant Skrewt leaned its massive head down and nuzzled Hagrid like a puppy.
Bang!
Hagrid was nuzzled flying, embedding himself into the wall where Snape had been standing.
"This is the side effect of 'Imprinting'." Ivan covered his forehead. "It treats the first creature it sees as its mother. Hagrid, were you closest to it just now?"
"I just wanted to feed it some rock cakes!" Hagrid pried himself out of the wall, shouting. "What do we do now? It's hungry! It says it wants to eat 'that shiny tower'!"
The Skrewt meant—the Astronomy Tower.
"No!" Professor Flitwick shrieked. "That's Ravenclaw's Common Room! There are dozens of students inside reviewing 'How to Counter Dark Magic'!"
"Mom... hungry..." The giant Skrewt blinked its big eyes, drool dripping down and corroding a huge hole in the Great Hall floor.
Amidst this chaos, Snape suddenly moved.
He didn't go to save students. Instead, he darted toward the giant Skrewt, holding the bottle of cat hair potion.
"Vile creature!" Snape roared. "Your carapace is severely dehydrated! This will affect your growth! Come here, I'll give you a 'Deep Conditioning Treatment'!"
Turns out, he saw the Skrewt as giant experimental material?
The Skrewt actually understood and obediently lowered its head for Snape to apply the potion.
"Comfy... Mom's friend... is also Mom..."
Snape applied frantically while enduring the sulfur smell from the Skrewt's mouth: "Good, hold still. Ivan! Evacuate the Astronomy Tower students! I can only stall it for ten minutes! This thing's skin is harder than dragon hide; I'm running out of potion!"
However, the crisis wasn't over.
In the sky, the Metaverse entrance opened again.
Voldemort descended from the clouds on a broomstick, looking like a mess. His groomsman suit was torn to strips (by angry fans), and his face was covered in lipstick marks.
Behind him followed a massive crowd of... female trolls?
The trolls held glow sticks and signs reading:
"Tom, I Love You!"
"For you, I'll stop eating Mountain Trolls!"
"Let's have a little Voldemort!"
Voldemort looked down in terror, screaming at Ivan:
"Potter! Help! What is with these female creatures?! I just posted a selfie online, and they chased me here from Northern Europe!!"
Ivan watched this, eyes suddenly lighting up.
"This is... a traffic monetization opportunity!"
He immediately pulled out his wand and cast a Sonorus:
"Attention, lady Troll fans! Want close contact with the 'Dark Lord'? Want to have dinner with him? Buy a 'VIP Meet-and-Greet Ticket' now, only 199 Galleons! First ten get a special experience: 'Being Glared at by Voldemort'!"
"I'll buy!!"
"Give me three!!"
The female trolls went crazy, throwing their bone clubs away like trash to fight for the tickets Ivan threw up.
Voldemort watched this, covering his face in despair:
"Potter... you are playing me like a monkey..."
"No, Tom." Ivan revealed a capitalist smile. "I'm helping you realize your dream of 'Ruling the World'. Look, you conquered the Troll race without shedding a drop of blood. Next, we'll develop 'Voldemort Style Sequin Suits' and 'No-Nose Makeup Tutorials', 50-50 profit split."
Voldemort was silent for three seconds.
Then, he adjusted his tie and gave a wicked, arrogant smile to the female trolls below (impressive aura despite the lack of a nose).
"Since you're here," Voldemort hissed in Parseltongue, amplified across the field, "don't leave. Stay, and for me... that is, for the great business empire, move bricks!"
The female trolls shrieked and rushed down to help clear the ruins caused by the Skrewt (mostly to be closer to their idol).
The scene was bustling.
Snape was still applying potion to the Skrewt, scolding: "Gently! Are you scrubbing a bath? That's my potion! Very expensive!"
Hagrid was feeding rock cakes to the Skrewt, which ate like a happy puppy.
Voldemort was signing autographs in the clouds, surrounded by gifts from trolls (mostly dead unicorns and dragon livers).
Ivan sat on the ruins, nodding in satisfaction at this absurd scene.
"This is a harmonious wizarding world."
Suddenly, his diary (Voldemort's Horcrux) flipped open on its own.
> [System Warning: Host Ivan Potter detected using the Dark Lord for illegal fundraising. Suggest immediate asset seizure.]
> [Signed: Ministry Tax Auditor · Dobby (Ghost Version)]
Ivan raised an eyebrow: "Dobby? Didn't you crash?"
[Dobby: Master, I became a Ghost Program in the Metaverse. I'm now in charge of auditing. Please pay the 'Dark Lord Image Rights Fee' immediately, or I'll send your browser history to Miss Granger.]
Ivan's smile froze.
"You win, Dobby."
He looked at Voldemort taking photos with troll fans and shouted:
"Tom! Control your ghost! He wants to collect my money!"
Voldemort paused, then shouted at the air:
"Dobby! Don't touch that Potter! That's our... money tree! Go audit Snape! He used so much hair potion just now; he must have evaded taxes!"
Snape: ???
I was just giving a monster a spa treatment!!