The Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom was filling up with Gryffindor and Slytherin students taking their seats. Everyone was buzzing with anticipation for the new professor's first lesson.
But in the back row, one figure stood out like a sore thumb, holding a discarded pointer and carefully checking if the window latches were secure.
Rove, who really shouldn't have been there—today's class was for Gryffindor and Slytherin, and he was a Hufflepuff student.
"Damn Snape..." Rove muttered under his breath, rapping hard on the wall to make sure there were no hidden hollow spots. "Just because I reorganized his toad specimens according to the 'Middle-earth Bestiary,' he slaps me with a penalty, making me skip Hufflepuff's class and come here for makeup."
"And with this bunch... future Death Eater recruits." He shot a glance at the Slytherin students on the other side, laughing loudly, especially Draco Malfoy, who was pointing at Harry with a smug grin.
[System Environment Analysis: Enemy Encirclement]
[Threat Source: Slytherin (Descendants of the Serpent)]
[Allied Status: Harry Potter (Ring-bearer, Mentally Tense), Ron Weasley (Follower, Poorly Equipped)]
[Suggested Tactic: Keep a Low Profile, Secure High Ground or an Escape Route]
"Hey, Rove! Over here!" Harry waved, pointing to the empty seat next to him. "Didn't expect you'd show up—this is awesome."
Rove let out a sigh, double-checking the escape route one last time before striding over to sit beside Harry. He plunked down his heavy copy of "Voyages with Vampires" on the desk.
"Don't get too pumped, Harry."
"I've got a bad feeling—the danger level in this class is right up there with trekking through Mirkwood. Especially since we've gotta deal with that show-off peacock."
"Peacock?" Ron scratched his head, looking confused. "Who're you talking about?"
"That guy who slaps his face on every book cover." Rove pointed at the massive Lockhart portrait up on the podium, where the painted Lockhart was winking at the class. "In Middle-earth, real heroes like Gandalf or Aragorn never have to print their exploits on paper and hawk 'em everywhere. Only con artists trying to bury the truth do that. True glory's etched on your enemies' bones, not some fancy scroll."
"Shh!" Hermione shot them a glare. Spread out neatly in front of her were Lockhart's complete works, each one wrapped in fresh new covers. "He's sharing his experiences! That's what writing books is all about! And he's seriously impressive—look at everything he's done... To get rid of that Bandon Banshee, he..."
Right then, the classroom door swung open. Gilderoy Lockhart strode in, his robes billowing, sporting his signature forget-me-not blue tie, his face lit up with a grin that showed off eight perfect teeth.
[Warning: High-Level Charm Spell Fluctuation Detected]
[Target: Gilderoy Lockhart]
[Race Judgment: Smooth-Talker]
[Threat Level: Physical (Low) / Mental Pollution (Extremely High)]
[Special Aura: [Glory of the Vain] (Inflicts Intelligence Debuff on Targets with Willpower Below 10)]
Rove's eyes narrowed. Through the system's filter, Lockhart's dazzling smile twisted into a fake, powdered mask of hypocrisy, like that slimy advisor Grima whispering in King Theoden's ear.
"Me," Lockhart pointed at his own photo, winking. "Gilderoy Lockhart, Order of Merlin Third Class, Honorary Member of the Dark Force Defense League, five-time winner of Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award—but I won't brag about that one. I didn't smile my way out of banishing the Bandon Banshee!"
He paused, waiting for laughs, but only a handful of people chuckled weakly.
"I see you've all got my complete set of books. Great! Today, we'll kick off with a little quiz to see how well you've been reading."
Lockhart passed out a stack of papers.
Rove glanced at the questions, his brows knitting into a tight frown.
1. What is Gilderoy Lockhart's favorite color?
2. What is Gilderoy Lockhart's secret ambition?
3. What do you think is Gilderoy Lockhart's greatest achievement so far?
...
54. When is Gilderoy Lockhart's birthday? What would be his ideal gift?
"What the heck is this?" Rove muttered in disbelief. "This isn't a magic test—it's some kinda mind-control loyalty quiz! This smooth-talker's weeding out the ones who are easy to brainwash! He's cramming our heads with this useless junk to make us forget actual fighting skills!"
He grabbed his quill in a huff and scribbled down answers rapid-fire:
1. A con artist's camouflage shade (probably some pukey pink to hide the rot inside).
2. Like Saruman, break down the free peoples' will from the inside and build an empire of giggling puppets.
3. Getting so many folks to buy his lies and spreading this mental crap across the whole wizarding world—that's peak dark magic right there.
Half an hour later, Lockhart collected the quizzes and flipped through them. "Tsk tsk, hardly anyone remembered my favorite color is lilac... except for Miss Hermione Granger! Full marks! Ten points to Gryffindor!"
When he got to Rove's paper, his smile froze for a split second, and his eye twitched. But he covered it quick, shoving it to the bottom like he hadn't seen those biting comments. "Some students have... quite the imagination. Maybe too many adventure stories. Alright, back on track."
Lockhart bent down behind the podium and hauled up a covered cage, slamming it onto the desk with a heavy thud that sent an uneasy vibe through the room.
"Now—we're about to face one of the scariest creatures in the wizarding world!" He dropped his voice for dramatic effect. "You might scream your heads off, but I need you to stay calm."
He yanked off the cover.
"Freshly caught Cornish Pixies!"
Most of the class burst out laughing. Inside the cage was a bunch of electric-blue little critters, about eight inches tall, squeaking away and pulling all sorts of goofy faces.
"What's so scary about these?" Seamus Finnigan howled with laughter. "They look less intimidating than Rove over there. I mean, check out his face—like he's ready to chow down on 'em."
"If I were you, I wouldn't be laughing!" Lockhart snapped, looking annoyed. "These are devilish little wreckers!"
[Warning: Abyss Creature Swarm Detected]
[Target: Moria Goblin Sappers / Abyss Imps]
[Quantity: 20+]
[Traits: Group Combat, Venomous Claws (Possible), Explosives Carrier (Possible), Extremely Mad]
[Suggestion: Don't Let Them Near Any Defenses—Initiate Physical Clearance Immediately]