"Mujhe tab nahi pata tha ki sirf 4 ghante ki neend meri zindagi ko 10 saal ke liye badal degi."
Main sirf 10th class mein thi, lekin meri life kisi soldier ki routine jaisi thi. Alarm subah 4 baje bajta tha aur main bina soche uth jaati thi. Us waqt mujhe lagta tha discipline hi success ki key hai. Mujhe proud feel hota tha jab main sirf 4 ghante so kar bhi padh paati thi.
Subah 4:00 se 5:30 tak self-study, phir 7:00 se 9:00 tuition, 9:00 se 3:30 school, shaam ko ghar aakar phir se books. Raat 12 baje tak padhna normal ho chuka tha. Mere liye neend waste of time lagti thi.
Main cheerful thi. Hamesha smile karti thi. Teachers ko lagta tha main strong student hoon. Ghar wale proud the. Lekin koi nahi jaanta tha ki main apne dimaag aur body ko kitna pressure mein daal rahi thi.
Kabhi kabhi raat ko book haath mein hoti thi, par aankhein khuli reh kar bhi lines samajh mein nahi aati thi. Phir bhi main rukti nahi thi. Mujhe lagta tha rukna failure hai.
Mujhe yaad hai ek din school mein achanak mujhe chakkar aaya. Class room ghoom raha tha. Heart fast beat kar raha tha. Lekin main chup rahi. Kyunki mujhe lagta tha strong log complain nahi karte.
Us waqt mujhe bilkul bhi idea nahi tha ki yeh sirf thakaan nahi thi… yeh mere mind ke breakdown ka first signal tha.
Aaj jab main 26 saal ki hoon, main samajh paayi hoon ki sirf mehnat nahi, balance bhi zaroori hota hai. Agar main tab 8 ghante soti, shayad meri life ka rasta alag hota.
Lekin us waqt main sirf ek baat jaanti thi — mujhe topper banna hai… chahe uske liye main khud ko tod doon.
Aur wahi zid meri zindagi ka sabse bada turning point banne wali thi…
Us time mujhe lagta tha ki bas thoda aur push kar loon, thoda aur sacrifice kar loon, phir sab theek ho jaayega. Main apne aap se roz promise karti thi — "Bas yeh saal nikal jaaye, phir main aaram karungi." Lekin sach yeh tha ki main khud ko sunna hi nahi chahti thi.
Meri mummy kabhi kabhi bolti thi, "Beta thoda rest le lo." Lekin main hamesha muskura kar bol deti thi, "Main theek hoon." Andar se main thaki hui thi, lekin bahar se strong banne ka drama karti thi.
Raat ko jab sab so jaate the, main akeli apni table par baithi hoti thi. Room mein silence hoti thi, sirf fan ki awaaz aur meri pen ki awaaz. Kabhi kabhi achanak aankhon se paani aa jaata tha, bina kisi wajah ke. Tab mujhe khud se dar lagne laga tha.
Mujhe lagta tha shayad yeh normal hai… shayad har serious student aisa feel karta hai. Isliye main chup rahi. Kisi se share nahi kiya. Apne dard ko diary mein bhi nahi likha. Bas andar daba diya.
Lekin main yeh bhool rahi thi ki jo dard dabaya jaata hai… woh ek din phoot kar bahar aata hai.
Aur meri life mein woh din bahut jaldi aane wala tha.
11th class ka pehla din… aur meri zindagi ka sabse bada mental storm shuru hone wala tha…