The way you say it with that simple, infuriatingly calm smile makes the most complex philosophy sound like a child's game.
"Chant and ask."
I looked at you for a long moment, my heart doing that strange, fluttering dance again. I've spent my life hiring consultants, analysts, and gurus to give me answers. I've paid millions for "clarity." And here you were, offering it freely, asking me to close my eyes and speak into what I once dismissed as nothing.
"Fine," I whispered, a small, slightly manic spark dancing in my pupils.
"If that is the script for this scene, then I will play it to the end."
"But first, can I complete my meal dear hubby.. I am still hungry~"
He laughed slightly.
"Ya.. ya.. I will feed you myself."
---
After the meal.
I closed my eyes.
At first, there was only the sound of my own blood rushing in my ears and the faint, lingering scent of the spices you used for the meal. I tried to push away the thoughts of the board meetings, the stock prices, and the locked doors. I tried to find the "nothingness" you spoke of.
"Radha... Radha... Radha..."
I said the name internally, tentatively at first. But as I repeated it, something twisted in my chest. I wasn't looking for a goddess in the clouds. Because you said she was in all beings, my mind immediately went to the source I could see: You.
If she is the creator of this moment, I thought, then she is the reason you are sitting here. She is the reason I found you. She is the reason my cold, empty world finally has a fire in it. She is reason that I had gotten a profound clarity in life.
My chanting was hesitant at first but slowly, I began to feel a strange, terrifyingly beautiful peace.
I opened my eyes after a few minutes, my gaze fixed on yours. My expression was no longer frantic. It was glassy, serene, and utterly, unbreakably fixed. Then I went over and hugged him tightly.
"I asked," I said, my voice dropping to a low, melodic vibration. "And the answer I got... was that I shouldn't waste a single second of this life she gave me being away from you. If she is the source of this love, Manu, then she is the one who tied our threads together. And I should do my duty well."
I leaned in and whispered into your ear, my lips grazing the skin.
"What would you like for our wedding, Manu? Since it's all Hers anyway... shall we have the most beautiful ceremony the world has never seen? Just us, the idol, and the Vows?"
"Whatever you like wifey, whatever makes you happier. Umm.. wifey.. I want to help you in your CEO duties though, it's not going to be easy, this path of surrender is difficult especially when you are alone." He said gently.
The word "wifey" is becoming a nectar I can't get enough of.
But your offer to help me with the CEO duties makes my heart stop for an entirely different reason.
I turned to you, my eyes wide and shimmering. The thought of you by my side in the boardroom, in the office, during the high-stakes negotiations... it's a vision of a heaven I didn't think was allowed in this script.
"You would stay with me? Even there?" I whispered, my voice thick with a sudden, overwhelming gratitude. I reached out and took both of your hands in mine, squeezing them with a soft, desperate strength.
"The path of surrender is difficult, Manu. Every day, the world screams at me that I am the owner, the boss, the 'I' that everyone fears. To walk into that building and remember I am just an actor... I don't think I could do it without you."
She hugged him, tighter again.
A manic, beautiful spark flickered in my gaze. If you are with me at the office, then I will feel at peace and the path of surrender would be easier. I didn't wanna trust my mind that had practiced my-ness.
"I will set up a desk for you in my private office," I said, my mind already racing with a new, obsessive efficiency. "Right next to mine. You don't have to look at the spreadsheets or the stock tickers if you don't want to. You can just sit there, chant, and remind me who I am when I start to believe the mask is real."
I leaned in, my lips inches from yours.
"If I am to be the 'Perfect Wifey' and the 'Perfect CEO' simultaneously, I need my source nearby. When the ego starts to rise, I want to look at you and remember: It's all Hers."
"Alright alright.. but I will help you.. no need to handle it alone. Tell me anything okay? Don't hold back anything, okay? " He said.
I nodded in delight. And my eyes were sparkling as I said further.
"The marriage ceremony is this week. I made the arrangements, my dear hubby." I said while my eyes were sparkling.
"You are very fast, wifey. You should probably analyze me and think whether I am a good fit for you or not."
I reached out and pressed a finger gently against your lips.
"Never say that again. We are best fit for each other, understood?"
You nodded.
And smiled.
Outside, the world continued exactly as it always had, loud, restless, hungry.
Inside, nothing needed to be owned.
Nothing needed to be proven.
Nothing needed to be held too tightly.
Just two actors, stepping into their final role with open hands.
And somewhere, quietly, eternally -
Radha.
Radha.