I stared at the geranium I had planted. My arms were under my head. My pillow lay at the other end of the bed.
I had checked off the seventh point on the list. I had a new plant without buying one.
It felt like a silly little-girl thing.
The older ones were starting to take me seriously. First my brother, then Ilke.
I also felt childish pride in that.
Karl and Ilke's problem was the most serious thing I had ever faced. I really had to think about how to handle the situation. I didn't need to decide what was right, I needed to figure out what would be best for everyone.
I knew what would be right: tell Ilke's parents. But I didn't want to damage her reputation in front of them, and Ilke had decided not to involve them. I don't override other people's decisions. Not yet. I know too little about the problem.
"Snitching Judas, need a hen's egg?"
That's how we used to tease the kids in our childhood who went to their parents to complain about every little thing.
Perhaps Karl and Ilke's issue could be solved with kind words.
Then I remembered the last day of the school year. That fable about the wolf and the dog. Lupus et canem. In the morning I was still a free wolf, and then my curiosity chained me. The secret.
Here I struggled on the chain. Surely the fable's author didn't mean this, but I freely interpreted it for my own situation.
Then, in the middle of the afternoon, I fell asleep. Because of the heat, I had already pulled down the blackout curtain at noon. It was dim. Even so, after today, I don't know how this unexpected sleep came about.
In my dream, I was in a porcelain shop. Tom came in. Suddenly, everything around me grew huge. Giant mugs, enormous porcelain cups separated Tom from me. He drifted further away. Only the giant porcelain objects remained, growing and growing. They pressed against the walls.
"Tom, help!" I shouted desperately.
Tom's figure shrank. Even if he could get closer, he wouldn't be able to help. The porcelain mugs would kill me.
I heard a loud bang. That woke me up. Karl lived in the room next to mine. He had just slammed the door behind him. He always moved around like that.
This time I didn't mind.
A nightmare had woken me.
I ran to the kitchen to drink a glass of water. I felt much calmer when I returned to my room.
I checked the time on my phone. 6:49 PM. I don't know when I had fallen asleep.
Since the phone was in my hand, I glanced at my online book club. Tom had invited me to chat. He had photographed the cover of my favorite book and placed a single flower beside it.
Under the picture was an excerpt from the book, showing how far he had gotten.
What should I write in response to this?
I put the phone on the bed. Then I wrote a restrained reply. I praised the photo and noted that he had a good sense of the book. The excerpt would be important later. I added a grinning emoji and told him I wouldn't spoil anything.
Tom replied immediately.
"Do you want to discuss the chapter tomorrow?"
I wanted to say yes right away. Instead, I closed my eyes and held the phone to my heart. An involuntary gesture. Tomorrow. So in person, just the two of us. Not online.
I had been waiting for this for more than a year. I wanted to experience this moment with full intensity.
Three minutes passed like this, with no reply.
"Yes, I'd love to," I finally wrote to Tom, short and simple.
He sent a laughing emoji. Then he wrote again. Paused. Then wrote again. Maybe he retracted part of the message, maybe he stopped to think. I was eager for him to finish.
"Well, choose a location:
Library
Tea shop
The park by the beach"
My heart skipped a beat. That park was known as the lovers' park.
If I chose it, my message would be clear.
What if Tom has someone, and I make a fool of myself? I don't think he wants to flirt. That park is also a popular meeting place for people who aren't in love.
"Let's go for ice cream," I suggested.
"3:30? Lena's nook?"
"Perfect!"
I saw Tom go offline. I wondered how he would spend the evening. Reading my favorite book?
I also checked my best friend Magda's profile. She had spent the day with Peter and their friends. They played volleyball. Magda, Peter, Hanna, and her boyfriend.
Sic transit gloria mundi! I thought, not with resentment, but laughing.
I liked their group photo. Magda neglected our friendship, but I was glad she finally got together with Peter.
Tomorrow I'll meet Tom.
I sat at my dressing table and looked at myself in the mirror for a long time. Was I a proper girl now? No matter how long I stared, it wasn't my place to judge.
I finished staring at my reflection and picked up my diary from last year. Tom was in it too. I wanted to reread my thoughts and feelings from that time.
My eyes landed on a paragraph:
"If I were prettier, Tom would already be mine."
I was surprised. How could I have been so shallow? No wonder Tom saw right through me. I had been childish and superficial.
I have distanced myself so far from that mindset and feeling that it feels like at least ten years have passed. That was me a few months ago. I can't identify with that old self.
Teenagers grow up fast—I've heard it from adults many times. I imagined hugging my childish self from last year.
I spent the evening reading. Tomorrow, I'm going for ice cream with Tom.
I was happy, but a little nervous too.
I wouldn't trade my life even for the most famous star.