I was 13 years old when I felt it. At the time, I didn't know what the feeling was was called called. All I knew was that my heart felt empty-as if something important was missing. I'm sitting at lunch, surrounded by so many people, but no one speaks to me. My boyfriend is at the end of the table, and I'm sitting next to his friend, Wesley. I feel invisible. I've never been invisible before yet somehow now I am. My boyfriend is talking to his friends while I stare at a wall across the room. I decided not to eat lunch, thinking my body is getting too big, so I distract myself by focusing on the blank space in front of me just as I'm about to zone out completely, Wesley taps me on the shoulder, I pretend to listen to what he's saying and nod my head every so often then Wesley said something that makes me actually listen
" You seem lonely"
Those words bring a sudden sense of fear, no one, Wesley can see straight through my act. I say nothing. We start at each other, almost like we truly see each other. Then the lunch, bell rings, and lunch is over. Quickly, everyone gets up and starts leaving. Wesley leaves too. The rest of the day is a blur, and I finally make it to after school boys and girls club, the most annoying place on earth. I take my seat, feeling Completely exhausted. My boyfriend sits in front of me, but we don't speak much. He makes me so nervous. I can barely breathe around him. Boys and girls club Director decides to give us a free day, and my boyfriend and I play games together before he leaves early. We hug. My chest tight, and I feel scared, but soon I relax into it, holding him tired. I feel so at peace in his arms that I almost don't want to let go-but I have to, so I do. When my boyfriend leaves, I sit back down.
Alone again.
Something about not being wounded by people scares me, so I put my head down and fall asleep to keep thoughts from keeping in. I close my eyes and let the noise fade. When I opened them again, nothing has changed-except the emptiness in my chest.