"So, you're the Ryan I've heard so much about," Hippolyta asked me with an arched eyebrow. She'd already given Diana a warm and joyous welcome, but it seemed like I would be subjected to a warning shot or two first.
"Nah, I'm just some random Ryan Princess Diana grabbed off the street. The real Ryan is back in the States giving Batman a migraine," I replied. Let's see how the multi-millennia old benevolent queen reacts to somebody going way off script right from the start, shall we? I favored the imperious queen in front of me with a cheeky smile.
Hippolyta, better known as the Queen of the Amazons, was a classical beauty that had undoubtedly had more than a few statues made of her... albeit, probably not by men, judging by some of the rather unfriendly looks I was getting from her guards. Diana, for her part, gave me a disappointed look and an elbow to the ribs.
"I see. Well then, Random Ryan, I suppose I'll just have have my guards here escort you from the island. Fear not, the Mediterranean is quite warm this time of year," Hippolyta replied coolly. Was she... fuck it, when in doubt, double down. Let's see how far I could take this.
"Well, that's fortunate then. Or perhaps unfortunate. In any case, mind giving me a compass? I'd navigate by starlight, but that's a bit difficult these days, what with all the light pollution," I replied cheerfully.
"Of course, it would impolite of me to deny you this boon," Hippolyta replied airily, snapping her fingers. One of her guards flicked her hand and a compass rocketed towards me. Ah, a physical test then. Not that I figured that out until after I'd reflexively caught the object, of course.
"Hmm, it seems you're the real Ryan after all," she remarked. "In that case, welcome to Themyscira."
"Thank you. It's nice to meet you." I offered my hand for shake, and Hippolyta did so, only grinding my bones together a little bit.
******
There was, naturally, a grand feast that evening to celebrate Diana's return, even if it was only for a few weeks, and I was currently leaning against a pillar in the corner of the grand marble plaza the feast was being held in and munching on a drumstick.
"So... you're a man," a young-ish looking woman asked as she walked up to me. I gave her a hard, suspicious look before deciding she was just curious. More than a few women here had been less than enthused with my presence.
"Last I checked, yeah," I replied before taking a delicate bite from the drumstick.
"What's it like, living in Man's World? What hobbies do you have? Is it true that women are treated like chattel and people kill each other constantly? Do you believe in the gods?" she blurted out, all in one breath. I blinked slowly and took a second to process her many questions.
"Hmm, well, in order; we have running water, pillaging, only by assholes, yeah, and no. My turn. Why do so many of you have blonde hair? What bird am I eating? Have you ever heard of a prophecy with a specific condition contingent on a male being present on the island for any length of time, an eclipse, a new moon, a full moon, a waning moon, a waxing moon, an earthquake, or just in general?"
"I... I don't... what?" the woman muttered, looking thoroughly confused.
"Well, let me break it down for you. Men aren't allowed to be here, yeah? But I'm here anyways, and our world being what it is, I'm pretty sure there's some kind of buried prophecy lying around about this being the one time to break the Doom Harbinger of What-the-fuck-ever out of its secret prison by using me as a human sacrifice. Or something. And I was wondering if you'd heard of it," I explained, taking another bite. God damn this turkey was good.
"No... n-not that I can recall. I, uh, I'm just going to... bye," she left, rapidly disappearing into the crowd with a worried expression on her face. Hmm, she might just be freaked out by my general male-ness... or she could be concerned because I'm on to her secret cult's plans. In an instant, I made my decision. I was going to follow her for a while, see if she did anything suspicious. But first I'd need to check in with Diana to make sure she'd notice if I was kidnapped.
I set off across the vast plaza towards where Diana was excitedly chatting with her mother.
"Hey, Princess, hate to interrupt but I just saw something suspicious. I'm gonna go check it out, and if I'm not back in twenty minutes I've either been kidnapped to use as a blood sacrifice, or am busy proving that violence really does solve everything. In any case, I reserve the right say 'I told you so' regardless of the circumstances. Bye," I tried to vanish back into the crowd, and failed miserably. "You know, I can't leave with you holding onto my arm like that."
"That's the idea," Diana told me, maintaining her firm grip on my elbow while Queen Hippolyta stared at me with an expression of complete confusion. "Now, what did you see that was suspicious?"
"Well, first this lady walked up to me and asked if I was male, which I thought was a bit suspicious since it's not like anybody else around here has a five o'clock shadow, and then when I asked her if she'd heard about any kind of prophecies regarding this sort of situation, what with me being on your island and breaking your rules, she got a really worried look on her face and ran off," I quickly explained. "Now, seriously, if you let go of my arm I'm pretty sure I can still tail her back to her cultist friends."
"You're... not well, are you?" Hippolyta asked me. Diana, for her part, groaned and started to massage her temples with one hand.
"I'm feeling fine, thanks. Maybe a bit jet lagged, but I can manage. Now, Diana, seriously, we both know crazed doomsday cultists only need to get lucky once."
"Ryan, no. Just no. This kind of thing is exactly the reason why I brought you here," Wonder Woman sighed sadly, "not everything is a battlefield, and Themyscira is one of the safest places in the world for you to realize that it's okay to let your guard down."
"But that's exactly when you get attacked," I argued, and Wonder Woman sighed. "Lyla," she turned to a pretty blonde woman wearing an asymmetrical blue tunic and a red... cowl slash hood thingy.
"Yes Princess?" Lyla asked timidly, her nervous gaze swapping between Diana and myself. I idly tried to peel Diana's thumb back to break her grip, and failed miserably.
"Could you keep an eye on Ryan here for me?" Wonder Woman asked politely.
"Of course Princess," Lyla agreed, staring at me as I gritted my teeth, grabbed my wrist, and dislocated my elbow, allowing me to finally slip free of Diana's grasp. That got me some interesting looks, mostly varying shades of alarmed, disgusted, and disturbed.
"Was that really necessary?" Diana asked, wavering between worried and disappointed.
"Hold on..." I grunted as I slid my elbow joint back into proper alignment with a wet 'schlurk.' "Ow. I mean, I can just slide it back together again. At least it wasn't my thumbs. I swear, dislocating your thumbs is the worst."
"You've... willingly dislocated your thumbs?" Lyla asked, looking like she really didn't want to know but had allowed curiosity to get the better of her anyways.
"Yeah. Thumbs, shoulders, jaw, hips, not knees though. Getting the knee cap back in place is a serious pain in the ass. Almost as bad as realigning my vertebrae after they've been broken. Very fiddly," I shrugged. Honestly, the... enhancements I'd had bestowed upon me were pretty amazing, and I was glad to have them, despite how unwillingly their additions had been made.
"Oh..." Lyla didn't really seem to have a response to that. Not many people did, come to think of it. "Doesn't that hurt?" the pretty blonde woman continued.
"Yeah, but not as much as you'd think. My pain response is a bit... muted," I explained. It wasn't something I was exactly thrilled about, to be honest. There a sense of disassociation that sometimes made the world feel more like a dream than anything, and a little part of me was scared that maybe one day I would just... lose touch.
"Are you feeling alright?" Lyla asked me, and I blinked, refocusing on her surprisingly concerned face. Aww, wasn't that sweet of her? That would change. It always did.
"Yeah, I'm fine," I reassured her, moving my arm around to make sure it would still function properly.
"Mind if we move someplace less crowded? I think the buff red lady over there wants to stab me." I gestured towards a well tanned red headed woman who looked like she was built to about one and a half times the scale of a normal human and spent all day carefully toning every single strand of muscle on her body for maximum combat efficiency. She'd also been trying to murder me with her nonexistent laser vision all day.
"Oh, that's Artemis. Don't worry, she'll only kill you if you break..." Lyla trailed off, and then said, "yes, let's head someplace quieter, and I'll tell you about some of the more interesting places on the island."
"You were going to say 'if I break any rules', weren't you?"
"...no?"
"You absolutely were. I can smell lies," I accused Lyla, who almost looked like she believed it for a second.
"No you can't, you're just saying that to mess with me," she shot back.
"No no, it's true. Lies smell like deceit," I argued, swiping some grapes off a nearby table. "These are edible, right?"
"Yes, and saying lies smell like deceit is a recursive statement," she unhelpfully explained as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. Winding up Amazons was proving to be surprisingly fun. I wondered what kinds of crazy bullshit I could get them to believe.