Petra's sarcasm made Rafah let out a long sigh. She had not expected Petra to be this stubborn once she decided to dig her heels in.
"Because you're different, Petra. You're not like anyone else. You refused me. You made me chase you... and no one's ever done that to me before."
"So you just like the challenge. What, are you one of those people obsessed with challenging yourself? Have you been reading too many mindset books or listening to too many Thai CEOs trying to educate everyone on life philosophy? Why are you so desperate to challenge your own life?"
"Petra... don't be sarcastic."
"Yes. I just found out that people who treat others badly also get to forbid them from being sarcastic."
"Okay, Petra. I give up. I'm sorry. What happened at the penthouse that day was my fault. I approached you the wrong way."
"Okay."
"That's it? Just okay?"
"What do you expect me to say?"
"You can curse me out. Do whatever you need to do, if it makes you feel better."
Petra folded her arms and let out a long sigh. She was not even sure whether Rafah truly understood what she was trying to say.
"I just want you to understand that you didn't just approach me the wrong way. What you did that day was wrong. You spoke to me crudely. You pried into my private life. And you kissed me without my consent. All of it... was awful. I could have gone to the police."
She paused and drew in a deep breath before continuing.
"I just... didn't."
"Why didn't you?" Rafah asked directly. Her voice was calm, but her eyes were full of questions. She was not trying to argue with Petra. She genuinely wanted to know her reason.
Petra lifted her chin slightly.
"And if I'd gone to the police, what would've happened to you? Do you really want your public image destroyed that badly?"
"You're still not answering my question. I just want to know... if what I did upset you that much, why didn't you go to the police?"
Petra was quiet for a moment before answering in a voice that was calm, but clear.
"Because I still wanted you... to remain a symbol of what an accomplished woman can be in the eyes of other women."
She looked straight into Rafah's eyes without looking away.
"In this world, no matter how much progress people claim we've made, women still don't have the same standing as men. People may say equality already exists, but we all know very well... in real life, it's never truly been equal. The fact that you're capable, successful, secure in your career, and standing gracefully in the spotlight means something to many women who want to walk the same path as you."
Petra paused briefly before continuing.
"And besides... I used to admire you. I admired the work you did. How many people actually take wildlife conservation seriously and devote themselves to it with real intention? But..."
She fell silent for a moment.
"What you did to me that day disappointed me. It felt like... I'd misjudged you."
Petra's words seemed to open Rafah's eyes to her own behavior in a way no one had ever dared say to her face before.
And Petra was the first.
Rafah drew in a deep breath and stared at Petra in silence for a moment, as if carefully weighing the words she needed to say. Then she spoke softly.
"I'm sorry."
Petra did not say anything else. She only looked at Rafah quietly, her eyes still touched with disappointment.
"Khun Rafah, you really understand what I'm trying to say, right?"
"I do."
"If you do... could you explain it back to me? What exactly do you understand?"
That request made the air between them fall silent at once.
Rafah lifted her eyes to look at Petra. The softness that had begun to appear in them slowly shifted back into hardness.
"Petra, I think I've given in enough."
Petra did not look away. Her gaze was steadier and firmer than Rafah had expected.
"I don't want you to give in to me. I'm sorry... if I made you feel that way. I only want you to truly understand that your behavior that day was not okay. Or at the very least... please understand that not everyone can be bought with money. I, for one, can't."
Rafah was left speechless.
Those words struck right where it hurt. They also forced her to see a reflection of herself at her worst, the side of herself she least wanted to face.
"I'm sorry..." Rafah's voice softened noticeably. "Will you give me a chance... to make it right?"
Petra was silent for a while. Then she took a full breath and answered slowly, each word clear.
"I can give you a chance, Khun Rafah."
Her expression remained calm.
"But only for work."
Silence settled between them again, as if there were words one of them wanted to say...
But chose to swallow instead.
Rafah sat still for a long time before finally speaking, her voice heavy with exhaustion and disappointment.
"I don't even know what to say..."
Rafah smiled faintly.
"This is the first time I've ever swallowed my pride and asked someone for a chance. And... I got rejected."
Those words made Petra's breath catch.
She had not meant to make Rafah feel that way.
But now... certain words were lodged tightly in her chest, impossible to say and impossible to take back.
No more words followed.
In the end, Rafah moved her hands to the steering wheel and slowly pulled the car away from the shoulder of the road, heading back toward Petra's condominium.
For the rest of the ride, there was only silence.
Not a single word was spoken.
One of them was quietly forcing her pride down her own throat, while the other was swallowing the guilt of having spoken too harshly.
Neither of them said anything again.
Both of them knew perfectly well that some words...
Once spoken, could no longer fix anything.
...
That night, Petra's bedroom felt quieter than usual.
She scrolled aimlessly through her phone while Rafah's words continued circling endlessly in her mind.
.
"I admit it... at first, I only wanted to have you. But it's not like that anymore. When I say I'm interested, I mean I'm truly interested in you."
"This is the first time I've ever swallowed my pride and asked someone for a chance. And... I got rejected."
.
Petra lifted a hand to press against her temple. Those words felt like a weight left sitting in the middle of her chest. She knew she had struck back too harshly, but she also wanted Rafah to understand that what had happened was something she could not accept.
Suddenly, her phone rang.
Tharin's name appeared on the screen.
Petra answered at once.
"Hello... Petra, are you back in your room yet?"
Tharin's voice came through the line, but before Petra could answer, she immediately pressed on.
"So did you and Khun Rafah continue testing her sexual hotness system in your room? Give me a review of Rafah's skills. Does she eat rough and messy enough to match that pretty face of hers?"
Petra rolled her eyes in exasperation.
"Tharin, stop shipping me with Khun Rafah. It's ridiculous."
"Oh, come on. I was just teasing, and you answered so harshly. But Khun Rafah does seem pretty serious about you. When she said she wanted to end her friends-with-benefits arrangement with Khun Phat, she left Khun Phat completely stunned."
Petra cut in at once.
"Is what Khun Rafah did really something we should admire, Tharin?"
Tharin paused.
"Yeah... true." Her voice lowered. "Now that I think about it, Khun Rafah is kind of cruel. Ending things with a friend with benefits at the dinner table in front of the new girl? That's red flag behavior. Very red flag."
Petra fell silent.
When Tharin noticed Petra's silence, she decided to ask her best friend directly.
"But let me ask you honestly. Do you like Khun Rafah?"
"Tharin, why are you asking me that?"
"Do you want me to say it straight, or do you want the cute roundabout version?"
"Straight."
"Well, if it were any normal person, after Khun Rafah behaved that badly that day, I think they wouldn't want anything to do with her anymore. But you... when Khun Rafah invited you to dinner, you went anyway. At least you had enough sense to drag me along as your guard dog."
Petra froze, unable to say anything for a moment.
"I just..."
"Just what?"
"I have to work with her. It'd look bad to refuse my employer."
"Not convincing, my friend. If an employer invites us to dinner, we can say no. That's normal. But you agreed to go meet her anyway. You like Khun Rafah, don't you? Just admit it. I won't judge. Sometimes we end up liking people who aren't exactly nice."
"Tharin, I don't like Khun Rafah."
Petra denied it immediately.
The other end of the line went quiet.
Then Tharin spoke to Petra slowly, her voice unusually serious.
"Good, if you really don't like her the way you say. I'm saying this as your best friend. Yes, I tease you about Khun Rafah, but that's just me joking around. If I'm being serious, I don't think someone like Khun Rafah is good for you. There's something about her, some kind of dark aura. I don't know how to explain it. If you get involved with her, you might end up hurt."
Tharin's words hit the mark.
Petra went completely silent, not knowing how to answer.
Tharin could sense the strange silence on the other end of the line, so she quickly softened her tone, changing the mood before it grew any heavier.
"But if my girl wants to get hurt... you can try it."
She said it and laughed softly.
"I'll be here to wipe your tears when it happens. That's all. I called because I was worried. Good night, my dear friend."
Then the call ended.
Silence returned once more.
Petra got up and walked to the window, sliding it open. The night breeze brushed over her skin, yet it still could not put out the fire in her chest. She gazed at her own reflection in the glass window. The eyes looking back at her were filled with hesitation and confusion.
Petra knew very well...
She had been shaken by Rafah for a long time now.
Perhaps from the very first moment they met.
But she did not want that wavering feeling to grow into something deeper.
Perhaps because she was afraid of getting hurt.
Petra was afraid she would become nothing more than a moth drawn helplessly toward the light, flying straight into the flames and burning her own heart to ashes...
Until nothing was left.
...
At the bar on the ground floor of a luxury hotel, amber light from glass lamps cast long shadows across the wooden counter. The faint sound of piano music played in the background.
Rafah sat in the far corner of the bar, quiet and alone. She exhaled, her breath carrying the scent of alcohol, but her mind was filled with Petra's voice, still echoing without end.
.
After that dinner at your penthouse, whatever image I had of you was gone. In my eyes, you're crude, rude, and honestly, you're not really interested in me. You just want to get me into bed. There's nothing special about that."
"I used to admire you. I admired the work you did. How many people actually take wildlife conservation seriously and devote themselves to it with real intention? But..."
"What you did to me that day disappointed me. It felt like... I'd misjudged you."
.
Those words had left deep cuts in Rafah's heart. She lifted her glass of wine and took a sip, but it was not even close to being as bitter as the feeling in her chest.
At first, Rafah admitted honestly that she had only been interested in Petra the way she had once been interested in other women. She had simply wanted Petra to become another woman in her bed. But Petra's words tonight had forced Rafah to turn back toward the mirror and truly look at herself for the first time in years.
When had she grown so used to this hunting game, and when had she begun to enjoy it?
When had she started believing that money, power, and psychological persuasion could buy anyone's entire self?
What Petra said did not merely make her feel guilty.
It made Rafah... ashamed of herself.
Petra had not called her low.
She had made her feel... as if she had once been better than this.
At least... as if she had once been someone with a stronger moral compass.
"Hey, sorry. Did you wait long? Traffic was awful."
Arin, Rafah's only close friend, appeared. Her tall, slender figure slid into the seat across from Rafah before she ordered her usual cocktail.
"So. I heard you ended things with Phat as friends with benefits?"
Rafah lifted her glass of wine and took a sip.
"News travels fast."
Arin laughed.
"How could it not? Phat and I are still in the same friend group. We went to high school together for three whole years. Plus, I'm still in her Instagram Close Friends. I saw her drag you through hell. Nine story slides. Want me to summarize?"
Rafah stayed silent and did not answer.
"I shouldn't have introduced you two at that foundation event that night. That whole friends-with-benefits deal between you two, I knew it wouldn't end well. One of you is fire, the other is gasoline. I warned Phat not to get involved with you."
"But Phat was the one who approached me."
"And you played along." Arin stared straight at Rafah. "So now what? It ended badly, just like I said. I'm stuck in the middle, and now I'm uncomfortable too. Next time, if all you want is a friend with benefits, pick someone far away from your friend circle. It causes problems for everyone. Got it?"
Rafah shrugged, her expression unbothered.
"Do you have anything else to scold me about? If you do, get it all out now so I can drink my wine in peace."
Arin gave a dry laugh.
"Then let me ask you directly. You ended things with Phat because you found someone new, didn't you?"
"It's not like that," Rafah answered calmly.
"Really... Well, I guess she must be very beautiful. I heard you've been chasing her pretty hard."
"I'll admit Petra is beautiful."
Rafah answered honestly.
"But I ended things with Phat because I'd been thinking about it for a long time. Phat crossed the line of what we agreed to as friends with benefits. The fact that she went after Petra only made me cut ties with her sooner. That's all."
"Hah... sure, you can say that. But if I were Phat, I'd still think I got dumped because you had someone new."
"I don't care what anyone thinks."
Arin sighed.
"You should care a little. Even punching a wall hurts your hand. So what makes you think someone you hurt won't hit back?"
Rafah fell silent.
Arin looked straight at Rafah, her gaze as sharp as her words.
"How long are you planning to keep living like this? Never dating anyone seriously. When you meet someone you like, you take her up to your penthouse. When you're bored, you toss her aside. If you like someone a little more, you make a friends-with-benefits deal with her, then once she starts catching feelings, you kick her out. No matter how awful your life has been, do you really have to keep making it worse out of spite? And that's not even counting what I know you do at Black Eden."
"What? Did Phat complain about what happened at Black Eden on her Close Friends? She was fine with it at the time. She agreed to everything."
Arin shook her head, exhausted.
"Rafah, the lesbian circle is small. People at your level all know you like women. Do you really think no one talks about you taking a different woman to Black Eden every time? You're just lucky no one's exposed it to the media yet."
"What exactly is wrong with my preferences in bed?" Rafah shot back calmly.
"Hey... separate the issues. I'm not talking about your preferences in bed. I'm talking about your one-night stands and friends-with-benefits behavior. If this ever leaks, your angel of wildlife conservation image is finished."
Rafah lifted her wineglass and took another sip.
"I called you here to drink with me, not to listen to you preach."
"I'm not preaching." Arin met her eyes. "I'm telling you the truth."
A heavy tension immediately settled between them.
Then Arin decided to change the subject and soften her tone.
"How was your latest appointment with your psychiatrist?"
"It was fine. I changed doctors. I'm tapering off the medication for the second time. The doctor said if I can function without it, I don't need to keep taking antidepressants."
Arin nodded. She sympathized with what her best friend had gone through, but she still could not help worrying.
Once, Rafah had stopped taking her medication on her own without consulting her doctor because she believed she could manage without it. The result had been a relapse. Her mood had crashed so badly that she had to restart treatment for depression from the beginning.
Arin looked at her best friend for a moment before asking again, her voice gentler.
"And your mother... is she all right? Have you gone home at all?"
But the question about her mother made Rafah go still.
A deep pain appeared in her eyes.
"Not really..." Rafah answered briefly.
Her gaze began to harden.
That answer only made Arin sigh.
"Rafah, you should go back sometimes. I feel sorry for your mother. Your father barely stays home either, doesn't he?"
"I don't want to go back. Why do you keep bringing this up?"
"Because I don't understand. Are you still haunted by that accident?"
The question made Rafah's hands tighten immediately. Her voice dropped lower, dark with anger.
"I've told you before. What happened that day wasn't just an accident."
"But it was still just an impulsive moment from your mother... She must've truly lost control back then. That's what I think."
Rafah laughed at once.
The laugh was dry, but full of pain.
"An impulsive moment?" she said with a sneer.
"My mother drove the car into the back of a truck because she found out my father had taken my kindergarten teacher as his mistress. And that teacher... happened to get pregnant too."
She spoke, then let out another low laugh.
That laugh sounded bitter and utterly faithless.
"I was this close to getting a half-sibling. If that thing hadn't happened first."
Silence fell between them the moment those words ended.
Arin went still, unable to say anything. She knew very well that what Rafah had faced as a child was too terrible for anyone to simply endure.
"It's in the past, Rafah. You should forgive your mother."
"Forgive?" Rafah's voice sharpened. "You're not me, so it's easy for you to say, Arin. That day was not an accident. My mother meant to kill herself. And she meant to kill me too. She drove the car straight into the back of that truck while I was sitting in the car with her. As for my father..."
Rafah paused for a moment before forcing out the next words, her voice low with disgust.
"He's just a bastard who has never felt sorry for anything. Even after that, he never stopped."
Her sharp face turned away as she looked elsewhere, as if trying to pull herself out of that memory.
"I've had to see psychiatrists since I was a child. Everyone knew I was sick, but no one cared enough to pay attention. My grandparents were too busy throwing money around to keep the news quiet because they were afraid the family name would be ruined. And those outsiders who knew nothing went around gossiping for fun, saying my mother had cut up her own face to spite my father."
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Hojicha Writer
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