CHAPTER TWENTY
"Whining? You call my heartache 'whining'?" Sophia snapped. "Don't tell me you like her too..."
"Did I say that?" I replied, trying to stay focused. "Sophia, look—there's still a smudge on the glass. Wipe it properly!"
"Oh, how else am I supposed to wipe it? Fine, my dear... fine, my lady! Just move aside and let me do it, alright?"
"Are you mocking me now? I didn't expect that from you."
"Well, expect it from now on, dear Sophia."
"You're very mischievous, Midget," she chuckled. "Anyway, they say your 'future in-laws' are coming today. What do you think?"
I stopped working. A wave of deep sorrow washed over me. "Sophia, I don't want to get married. I... I don't like Karim. His gaze feels... dirty. I can sense it."
"Why don't you talk to your father about it in detail?"
"What should I say? I know my father would stand by me, but my mother and Tahmina love that family. They think they're doing me a huge favor. Am I really that insignificant, Sophia?"
"You aren't forced, Yas. Drag yourself out of this swamp. You can count on me; I'll do whatever I can."
"I know, and I appreciate it."
"Hahaha! I swear, hearing such polite words from you is weird. Go back to being the rude Yas!"
"I knew from the start you weren't worthy of my grace and dignity," I joked. "Now, wipe the glass, dear."
"Shut up and look over there... the Khan Sahib is calling you!"
I looked toward where Ryan was signaling me. "Wait, let me finish the windows."
"No, go! There's very little left."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes! Go on!"
With a smile, I headed toward Ryan. As soon as I reached him, he suddenly grabbed my hand and pulled me along like a small child.
"Ryan, slow down! My hand hurts. Why are you in such a rush?"
"Yas, I have a gift for you. Today, after so long, my dream is coming true. Don't ask me how happy I am!"
"My life? But what does your dream coming true have to do with me, Naneh Jan?"
Ryan opened his door and closed it quickly once we were inside. "Look over there!"
I looked where he pointed. My eyes widened. There were piles of cosmetics and beauty products on his bed. They looked expensive—and tempting.
"Ryan, where did these come from? Did you steal them from Anna?"
"Yas! Do I look like a thief to you?"
"Well, did they fall from the sky?"
"No. They were brought for you... from very far away."
"From where?"
"France. My friend arrived today and brought them. Stop asking questions and sit down."
We sat together. I stared at the makeup like a greedy child. "Do you like them?"
"Very much... but I don't know how to use them. It's a waste. You should give them to Anna; she'd know what to do with them."
Ryan's tone turned sharp. "Is my gift that worthless to you? Did I bring them for you or for Anna?"
I flinched slightly. "I didn't mean it like that... but you didn't say what this has to do with your dream, Mr. Doctor."
"Because," he said softly, "I want to decorate my doll with my own hands."
"You're joking," I stammered. "This is one of your dreams?"
"Have you ever seen me joke? I'm very serious. Decorating you with my own hands has been a long-held desire of mine. Is there a problem?"
"Ryaaaaaan!" I wailed. "Please, don't embarrass me. It's weird! Aren't you a doctor?"
Ryan clutched his head. "Oh, my head!"
"Are you okay?" I asked, panicked.
"No, because you won't let me... How can I put this? Karim's mother is coming to see me today. I can't appear before them looking like this. They'll think I'm serving myself up to them on a silver platter."
"Ugh, fine, Ryan! But don't make me look like a clown. Do you even know how to apply makeup?"
"Do you know how much I practiced to learn? Hahaha! My friends laughed at me so much, they mocked me... but I finally learned."
I stared at him with slanted lips. This man was a mystery. "Fine... fulfill your weird dream, Naneh Jan."
"Haha, Ryan would give his life for you."
He looked at me with pure joy, while I looked at him with a mix of regret and confusion.
"Close your eyes," he commanded. "I need to do this right."
"Can't I keep them open?"
"No. Because I won't be able to take my eyes off you."
I felt myself getting flustered. Ryan was changing—not just day by day, but moment by moment. This affection... it wasn't normal. I felt something budding inside me that contradicted everything I thought I knew. But it couldn't be... it was impossible.
I closed my eyes and surrendered to the colors.
Nearly forty-five minutes passed before Ryan allowed me to look. He handed me a mirror. I gasped. The servant girl was gone. I looked like an aristocrat. The makeup was so subtle and simple, yet it transformed me.
"See, my little Yas?" Ryan whispered. "You've grown so much... I'm afraid you won't be mine anymore."
"Thank you! It's amazing. I'll try to learn how to do this."
"No need. Whenever you want, I'll do it myself... but only for me."
I wish I could stay for you forever, I thought. With no name, no expectations... just a servant, a friend, or someone who grows old in your house. But I knew in the end, nothing but solitude would remain for me.
"Wait until Sophia sees this! Her eyes will be as big as balls! Hahaha! I look beautiful, don't I?"
"You were always beautiful..."
A knock at the door and Sophia's voice cut him off. "Yas! The guests are here! Hurry!"
Ryan's mood shifted instantly. "Guests? What guests? Why wasn't I told? Wipe it off, Yas. Now!"
"It's... it's my mother's friend. I have to go, I'm late!"
"They had to arrive now? Fine, but don't go down looking like that. Wipe it off."
"I'm late, I'll wipe it as I go!" I rushed out of the room before he could argue.
I managed to wipe the lipstick off, and luckily, the rest was so subtle it was hard to notice.
"Yas, where were you?" Sophia whispered. "They're waiting. Go before my aunt gets angry. I'll bring the tea."
I went to the basement, kept my head down, and whispered a greeting.
"Ah, my beautiful bride! Come sit by me!" Karim's mother exclaimed.
Bride? I shot my mother a desperate look, but she didn't help me. I sat reluctantly, staring at the floor. Their words were like poison. Time stood still.
Finally, as the evening call to prayer sounded, they rose to leave. When my mother politely asked them to stay longer, the old woman replied proudly, "Karim is waiting for us outside in his car."
I breathed a sigh of relief when they left.
"Yas," Sophia said later, "I don't think they'll let you go that easily."
"If it were up to my mother, she'd have given them the sweets (engagement) already!"
"We'll talk tomorrow. Go call the 'princes' for dinner."
I went upstairs. I called Israr, Isar, and Anna. Anna, as usual, was condescending, mocking me about my "suitor." Who told her? The crows?
I went to call Ryan. I entered his room without knocking. It was pitch black.
"Ryan?"
No answer. Only the sound of heavy, angry breathing filled the room.
"Ryan?" I called again, tentatively. I moved to turn on the light, but after one step, someone grabbed my arm with bruising force. I almost screamed, but recognized his voice.
"What are you doing here? Did your 'dear suitor' leave?"
His voice was hoarse and broken. How did he know? Do the walls have ears?
"Turn on the light, Ryan."
"Did they leave?" he yelled, his voice a strained whisper.
"Yes... they left. But why are you angry? Did something happen?"
He laughed mockingly while tightening his grip on my arms. "Did something happen? No... but it's about to."
I swallowed hard, terrified. "Why are you talking like this? You're scaring me... let me go. Everyone is waiting downstairs."
"You're scared?" he hissed. "I decorated you with my own cursed hands... and you went and stood before those nobodies? Did you want them to like you? Where did they come from? Why didn't I know about this!?"
His voice was so abnormal that I burst into tears. I hated the dark, and I hated this version of Ryan.
"Yas!"
"I... I..." I couldn't speak. I just sobbed.
"Yas... Yas, don't cry. I... I was wrong. I'm sorry, darling."
But the tears wouldn't stop. Why had he changed? He reached out to touch my face, but I pulled back. He had no right.
"But I decorated you for myself," he whispered. "You had no right to let anyone else..."
I wiped my tears and found my voice. "Have you lost your mind? You're the one hurting me! You know I'm afraid of the dark, yet you trap me here. Why are you like this?"
"Hahaha! Why is there no one to applaud you? You kill me, then talk about being hurt? I kept you in the dark for two minutes... but you? You've done this to me for years! Did I complain?"
"If someone comes to ask for my hand, what is the crime? One day I will leave; I belong somewhere else."
"Like hell you will! You stay in this palace forever, whether you like it or not. Get those nonsense thoughts out of your head!"
"Ryan, enough! Everything has a limit—even friendship! There are so many girls around you. Did I say anything? No, because it's not my business. Anna is practically hanging off you! Did I say anything? No, because we are just friends. Don't you know friendship has boundaries?"
Ryan let out a muffled scream and hit his head with his hand. I shrieked.
"That's exactly the problem! That is the problem! Why don't you say anything? Why don't you react? Did I forbid you? Hahaha! We're 'just friends'? Oh, Yas... oh!"
He was spiraling. He was laughing and talking like a madman. I wanted to run, but the door was ajar. In the darkness, I could only see him clutching his head.
I was torn. My heart told me to stay; the situation told me to run.
"Life has become poison to me," he whispered. "You know it, yet you don't know that this pain is aging me. It's turning me to ash, Yas!"
He was swaying like a drunkard. I took a hesitant step toward him. I couldn't be ungrateful, even if he was the cause of this mess. I couldn't leave him like this.
I walked closer and wrapped my arms around him. His heart was beating so fast it felt like it would burst through his chest. How can a doctor not heal himself?
For a moment, Ryan stopped everything—even breathing. He stood still. I tightened my hold, pressing my head against his chest.
"When you lose your temper like this, I get scared," I whispered. "I don't see Ryan in you. Your eyes turn to bowls of blood and you become a monster. I don't like it. Don't be like this."
Slowly, his hand came up to rest on my hair. The tremors stopped.
"If you torture yourself and me like this again... I'll go far away. I love you, and when you hurt yourself, I hurt more. Can't you be gentle with me? You're all I have... don't take yourself away from me!"
Ryan kissed my hair and said mournfully, "Don't... don't be afraid of me. I could hurt anyone, but never you. I'm not crazy... there's just something in my chest that needs to be understood. If it isn't, it burns me. That's what causes this. I'm in a bad way, Yas."
"Time heals everything," I said, repeating Sophia's words. "Even wounds. Be patient."
"But the scar remains..."
"Why don't you tell me?"
"I tell you, but you don't hear. I show you, but you don't see. I've said it so many times, but you don't try to understand."
I pulled back slightly. "Look at you. You look like a gambler who lost everything. You've made me sad too. They say 'to have the mouth burned without eating the soup'—that's us."...
END OF CHAPTER TWENTY