Bune looked over. The dragon butler crossed his arms and looked away pointedly, pretending to inspect a smudge on the wall.
Zac cocked his head to the side. "Uhm, Bune? This stranger is trying to get handsy with me."
"I'm doing no such thing! I am merely overcome with inconsolable, wretched anguish!" the unicorn man brayed as he pushed himself back up, dusting off his rainbow feathers.
"That's too many emotions that aren't angry, confused, or horny," Zac said flatly. "We don't do that here."
The unicorn man looked very confused.
"That's more like it," Zac nodded. "So, who are you? Some sort of stripper that got sent for Marchy-poo?"
"I... um..." The unicorn man stood up, looking back at the other demons who were still stomping the remains of the trumpet. Skarg threw in a flying elbow drop for good measure, shattering the brass completely.
The horned horse demon's shoulders slumped. He turned back to Zac with a sigh. "I am Amdusias. Great Duke of Hell, ruler of twenty-nine legions, the Demon of Music."
As Amdusias prepared to launch into his second verse, magical demonic music swelled in the air, a brassy, chaotic overture. The unicorn Duke began to tap a hoof and snap his fingers, his sequined outfit shimmering.
"Yes I am Amdusias
And Amdusias is me!
Yes I am the great
Singer of cacophony!
I call the thunder
And I bend the tree!
Yes I am Amdusias
And Amdusias is-"
The music ground to a halt with the sound of a record scratch.
In a move of surprising coordination, Skarg and Nock performed a textbook double-reverse suplex on the oblivious unicorn. Amdusias hit the stone floor hard, his glittering horn piercing the obsidian and getting stuck fast. He flailed his legs in the air, his rainbow feathers ruffling indignantly.
Marchosias stood over the flailing musician, crossing his arms. "How many times do I need to tell you? This isn't Singing and Dancing Hell. This is Hell Hell."
Zac's mind wandered off as he imagined March in a black-and-white ref's uniform, blowing a whistle while Skarg and Nock pinned him down in an aided reverse spider hold. Mmm, Zac arched his back slightly, imagining the caribou and lion in tight lycra shorts and not much else. Is that your knee in my back or are you just happy to be twisting me into a pretzel?
"You dare assault a Duke?!" the unicorn man yelled as he wrenched himself free from the floor. A chunk of stone flew across the room as his uni-horn emerged completely undamaged. "I'll report you for this! I'll bring it right down the chain!"
"You dare threaten me in my own keep?" Marchosias grabbed Amdusias's horn, yanking the unicorn's face down until they were nose-to-snout. The silver light of holy fire peeked out from March's growling, bared fangs.
Amdusias let out a yelp of terror. "BUNE!" the unicorn man shrieked. "I'll only talk with Bune! Do you think I would lower myself to speak with a lowly Marquis?!"
Skarg and Nock walked up on either side of the unicorn, punching their palms menacingly, looking like old-timey gangsters intimidating a poor shopkeeper. March's growl grew louder, the silver light intensifying.
However, before they could shake down the obviously very limp-wristed horn-tooter, Bune walked over. He grabbed the equine by the shoulder and spun him around.
"I am not joining the Infernal Chorus," Bune's Left Head said flatly.
"But why?!" Amdusias yelled suddenly, apparently forgetting all about the cocked-and-loaded atomic destruction breath that had just been held against his head. "You can sing three-part harmony all by yourself! You're a natural baritone-tenor-bass combo!"
Zac walked over and stood next to March as the newcomer dramatically tried to convince the hydra to come to one of the weekly community band practices.
"You were really nice to Humps when she visited," Zac noted.
"Who?" Marchosias looked down at Zac, momentarily forgetting his distaste for the maddening minstrel.
"Oh you know," Zac said, waving his hand dismissively. "Gremory. My bitch bestie."
Marchosias's tail tucked in sharply. "Do not call Duchess Gremory such things."
Zac rolled his eyes. "I forget how pure you and Bune both are. But calling her a crusty camel cunt is totally cool because me and her are tight. We are BFFs and we totally talk all about the rest of you behind your backs when you're not listening."
"No you do not," March said, glancing around nervously as if the Duchess might materialize from the ether.
Zac grinned. "So tell me, why are you all bullying this one?" He gestured to the unicorn, who was once again wailing and sobbing while clinging to Bune's tailcoat. Bune's two heads looked at each other with an expression of profound exasperation.
Marchosias looked at the unicorn, then back to Zac. There were a few seconds of heavy silence.
"He has theater kid energy," the Captain finally rumbled.
Zac blinked a few times. "True."
As Zac contemplated where March might have learned to hate theater kids and their energy, a new wave of music suddenly began erupting from the unicorn, who had somehow manifested a fresh trumpet in his hands.
"Oh he's a treasure
A soul without measure
A plaything not for leisure
One who's never had the pleasure!
Ose, you cheeky vermin
Your words, much like a surgeon
Infinity did converge in
Your avatar, is a virgin!"
Marchosias howled. Bune's middle head popped out with a wet tear and roared. Skarg crouched low, ready to tackle. Nock unsheathed his sword with a hiss of steel. Andras looked up from where he was methodically sawing through one of the legs on March's chair.
"I'm totally not a virgin, man," Zac said instinctively. It was a habit ingrained in him from life on Earth… he didn't know why so many people asked him all the time, but his response was hard-coded. It's not like he gave off some weirdo sexless energy… right? Right?!
Amdusias turned and grinned, his rainbow feathers shimmering. "Oh Avatar of Ose, so quick with a lie! Just like our most... abhorrent Felidae."
The other demons didn't wait for permission. Skarg, Marchosias, and Nock tackled the unicorn man all at once, a chaotic pile of fur, feathers, and armor crashing onto the floor.