Hugo was always straightforward in what he wanted to say, atleast that was what Azdin knew of him. He wasn't one to water down how he felt either, and he had always been truthful as far as he was concerned.
So hearing that he had been holding something back, was a bit worrying to say the least.
'Is he gonna nag at me again? What did I do now!'
Instead of being barraged by an endless wave of complaints though.. Hugo lowered his posture. His head and torso fell while his legs stood narrow and firm.
To his complete and utter surprise, Hugo was bowing. But what he said next frankly, startled him even more.
"Azdin, I'm sorry."
Finishing, he quickly brought himself back up, his eyes betraying a hint of relief. For the first time in a long while, he seemed more relaxed rather than stressed.
Seeing this, Azdin asked,
"What's it for?"
His answer came almost immediately.
"It was a while ago now, but I realise how horrible I've been towards you, and for that I'd like to apologize."
Although he finished, it seemed like he still had more to say. It was true that he'd been aggressive to him in the beginning.. but he didn't think it warranted an apology this dramatic.
Seeing his doubt, Hugo carried on.
"If I'm going to be blunt, I really did hate you quite a bit. That first month we spent together on that island really was difficult for me."
'Boy if I know it.'
It was obvious that he was forcing himself to work with him at that time. And he knew the reason why already. He still felt terrible guilt from it till this day.
"It's because of what happened with Tyr. I know that it's my fault, so you don't have to–"
Not letting him finish, Hugo interrupted him.
"That's just the thing. I blamed you for making me kill Tyr, and I hated the fact that after everything that happened, you were the one that got to forget all the torment. I was jealous of you, so to speak."
He had told him something similar in the past as well. Back when he first woke up that fateful day. He didn't like him that much back then, but it was that event that truly made him resent him.
However, that wasn't all he wanted to say.
"But now I realize, that forgetting what happened wouldn't be a good thing at all."
Completely caught of guard, Azdin's expression froze. He was worried with where this was going.
"I'd only be running away from reality, forever living in a lie. That is no way to live."
He had lost so much. It wasn't just his friends from his village that he'd been forced to watch die, but the brutal torture that he endured afterwards that broke him. The only thing that got him through it all, and out through the other end in salvageable pieces was Tyr.. but he ended up killing her too.
He acknowledged the pain, and fueled by rage he wanted to destroy them all for what they had put him through. But at the same time, his feelings felt more like a shackle then a purpose. And every time he looked at Azdin, he couldn't help but feel pain in knowing that he wasn't burdened by such a thing. And hated that he felt remorse after all of it.
In his eyes, he was undeserving of that mercy.
But after seeing Tyr one final time, his feelings had changed.
"Its because I can remember everyone that died in that place, that I can.. no, that I must take revenge for them. And it's because I remember everything that happened, that I'll forever hold my memory of Tyr. Forgetting everything, would only be an insult to them all."
He remembered what Tyr had told him back then. That Azdin was filled with an immense amount of malice towards their captives. Even more than his own. Even though that was before Tyr had died, he felt that this statement still held true.
So if Hugo's hate was measurable by how much he had suffered in that place, then what did Azdin go through before they met for Tyr to say such a thing?
The conclusion he ultimately reached, was that Azdin was simply a product of his environment. His eeire pleasure for killing, a way to cope with the gruesome acts he had been forced to commit. He couldn't feel horrible about it, if he felt good about it instead.
But that wasn't the end of his suffering, his last straw.. was Tyr herself. Presumably, she had tired to reach out to him, not just with her Aspect like she said, but maybe with her words too. However, it all only resulted in failure.
That was what she had thought atleast, but to an extent she did succeed. The monster that was seemingly uncaring for everyone around him, found himself growing attached to her. And when the time came, he decided to help her escape when she offered.
In a similar, but not quite the same way that it was for Hugo, she had become his only ray of light in that dark world.
So in the end, when he was given the option to kill someone once more.. and that person was the last person he might've ever cared about, maybe that was what truly broke him one last time. He was able to avoid the pain by not allowing others to grow close to him, and take pleasure in killing them instead.
But how could he take pleasure in killing the only friend he might've ever had?
With no more defenses left to retreat too, he could only break down. Until his own self had been completely destroyed.
Until all memory of himself, and the pain he tried so hard to bury had been erased. Resulting in the Azdin of today.
"Which is why I'm sorry for getting angry at you. It wasn't right of me to blame you for what happened, in the end, it's all their fault."
In all of this, Azdin was even more of a victim than Hugo himself was.
"You were just another victim, like me. You have a fresh start, a chance at a normal life, while I will force myself to go back to that hell."
Once they reached land, they would go their separate ways. Azdin would get to go live whatever peaceful life awaited him, and Hugo would embark on his own journey..
"No, Hugo. You were right. I'm still a horrible person."
His eyes widened in suprise, while Azdin's own seemed to be still filled with guilt.
"This whole time, I've been scared of myself. What I actually am, and what I could be. And truth be told, I still do."
At the end of the day, they were still the same person. Although their memories differed, their soul was still the same, and his body still remembered. Even the instincts he had developed over that time had not faded. Instead, they could only be surpressed.
That blue light he'd occasionally see, for example. It was a peculiar talent his old self had created, one made to kill as effectively as possible. Azdin himself could only see it when he was deeply ingrained in battle, and thus the killing instincts he tried to suppress too would begin to surface.
He was scared, of falling again into that depravity. He feared that if he began to kill, the memories he had forced himself to forget would end up returning. The current person he had become, might cease to exist.
He was scared of dying, just like anyone else was.
"There's no way, I refuse to remember who I was and become that person again, but I also refuse to forget that person, I cannot pass off his sins as someone else's. They are my own too."
Ignoring the things he had done, would be an insult to the people he had killed. It really hadn't been his fault like Hugo said, but pretending that he did absolutely nothing simply didn't feel right. It wasn't fair at all on the people who had died.
"Which is why, I'll repent for all those lives by saving as many as I can. I want to become someone who deserves to live."
His past self got through that trauma by relishing in it, but his current self... He had decided that it shall do the opposite.
It would be his way of atoning.
"But I also get that if I continue to live like this, then one day I'll reach a point where I have to kill a person. I've already killed creatures, and I felt a sick kind of pleasure from that. If I kill a human.. then.."
Killing a creature compared to another human was easier for more than most. Even people not used to killing, would find themselves being able to trample insects without a stain on their consciousness. This was simply because they did not see them as equals, a human life was simply more equal to them then an ants.
It was similar for Azdin, his trauma stemmed from the slaughter of other humans, not creatures. So although he valued life more than most, he hesitated more when it came to killing other humans rather than creatures. He felt guilt, but if is hand were forced he'd do it again.
But killing another human like himself, was a line he did not want to cross.
"I fear that if I kill another person, then I'll truly go past a point of no return."
Along with his old memories, he'll return back to the person he was in the past. The Azdin who felt joy in murder.
"But one day, inevitably, I'll kill a human. There's no denying that."
Someone he had almost killed recently, was Roswell. The only reason he had not died, was due to his own depleted store of soul essence as well as his almost starved body. If he was any healthier.. then that punch would've for sure been lethal. And who knows? He my encounter an enemy that was far too strong to restrain, and far too stubborn to surrender. What would he do when that time came?
Looking at Hugo now, his sapphire blue eyes glistened with melancholy.
"Which is why, when that day comes, please.."
He didn't finish, but what he wanted to say was obvious enough. Hugo understood it well.
"Azdin, I'm glad that you can trust me with such a thing. But I have to reject."
Before he could even say anything, Hugo punched him in the chest lightly. It didn't hurt, but it almost made him topple. Before he fell, with that same hand Hugo grabbed him by the shoulder.
"You hate yourself too much. Even when you can move on from all of this now that you know the truth, you still want to keep punishing yourself."
Hugo grit his teeth.
"Which is why, I'll save you. Tyr would want that too."
This whole time, from the moment he had found out about what he did. An invisible weight had been placed upon him, forever lurking in the back of his mind. He wasn't sure back then, but he knew he had to make up for what he did. He had thought that he'd have to do it all alone, but to know that someone else wanted to save him, the same way he wanted to save others, it made him feel..
Before he even realised it, tears were already trickling down his face.
"Azdin!?"
Using his sleeve, he quickly began to wipe them away. A faint smile formed on his lips, as he chuckled to himself a bit.
"It's nothing.. it's just.. I don't know what came over me. I just feel really happy right now."
And this feeling in his chest..?
A strange tingle lingered there for the briefest moment, as if tickling his heart. But it was quickly followed by a jolt of pain, Powerful enough to make him stiffen up.
And a little bit later, he fell.
"Hey!"
It wasn't just that, he couldn't even scream. As though his grip on his strength had suddenly come loose. The sole cause? He had noticed right before he hit the ground.
'My soul essence..! It's.. it's..'
The last thing he heard, was Hugo's voice screaming for help. But by then, the world had already faded into black.