Tatsuta was standing with Tenryuu on a pier which was located at a secluded area of the Yokosuka Naval Base, the younger Tenryuu-Class cruiser soaking in the peaceful silence which lingered in between them but was occasionally broken by the rhythmic sloshing of the waves, Tatsuta suddenly finding a newfound appreciation regarding their time together.
Because if either one of them died…
No.
As morbid as she liked to be in order to remain pragmatic about everyone's chances of survival, she knew that this was a bad habit of hers where she never went the full distance to try and connect with everyone, instead distancing herself mentally and emotionally in case they lost anyone and minimizing the damage done to her psyche and morale in the process.
But even when she considered their dismal odds of survival, she decided that she would subvert this habit for once and be open with her sister, the most important person in her life.
It was entirely possible that she would die and Tenryuu would live, or vice versa, or they'd both die on the operating table and they'd only be remembered as ship girls to be added to the statistics that were recorded by the annals of history.
And in case those hypothetical scenarios came true, she wanted to spend as much time as possible being open with everyone instead of being so cryptic with her true thoughts and emotions, leaving them with an incomplete understanding of who she was…
She caught herself in time, shaking her head wistfully as she felt another breeze roll in from the ocean, chastising herself for her default outlook on life, realistically pessimistic with a generous serving of dry wit to help her deal with life.
Look at me. Being told I'm being given semi-reasonable odds of surviving and I'm already talking as if the worst was an inevitability. Not surprising, when you realize that 70% chance of dying is more likely to occur than the 30% chance of survival. And when you consider the fact that both of us have to survive this…
Noting that Tenryuu was now looking at her, she prepared herself for her sister's questions as she gave Tenryuu a wry smile, starting the conversation.
"Well, Tenryuu-chan? I know that looks well enough to understand that you have questions. Feel free to ask me anything."
Tenryuu, having taken off her eye-patch beforehand in order to enjoy the view in its entirety, was able to look Tatsuta in the eyes as she asked without restraint or tact.
"I also know that look on your face well enough to know that you were thinking about death, or at least entertaining some pretty morbid thoughts. And I understand that accepting the procedure had you thinking of our mortality, hmm?"
Tatsuta lifted an eyebrow and conceded the point, not putting it past Tenryuu to be capable of reading her rather accurately, answering truthfully as per her latest motto to be transparent with her sister and teammates.
"Well, yes. I was thinking about the chances of us both surviving the procedure. This isn't the same as a battle, where certain factors are at least within our control. This is the same as the people back in medieval times leaving their fate to the gods, and our powerlessness infuriates me to no end."
Tenryuu nodded, looking rather somber about the entire situation as she watched the shimmering ocean on the 2nd of May with her two good eyes, having taken off her eye-patch before this.
"Well, I understand where you're coming from. Recently, I've slowed down after accepting the offer to take the chance to really think about the possible ramifications of my death…"
The younger Tenryuu-Class cruiser's head snapped to the left so quickly, Tatsuta briefly wondered if she might get whiplash as her mind caught up to her subconscious reaction upon hearing Tenryuu talk about her own death, computing Tenryuu's words as she chided.
"Tenryuu. Don't say that."
But Tenryuu looked towards her, grabbing Tatsuta's shoulders and slightly spun her so that they were facing each other, Tatsuta's fierce expression giving way to a slightly surprised one upon seeing Tenryuu be so assertive all of a sudden.
She knew that she was going to see the mature side of Tenryuu show itself, an occurrence which even Tatsuta rarely saw since Tenryuu was the kind of ship girl who buried her thoughtfulness and insightful nature underneath a facade of bravado and boasts.
"Tatsuta. I'm old enough to understand that if it's my time to go, I'll accept it. But that doesn't mean I'm not scared of dying. I'm afraid of losing you, the Admiral, as well as all the friends which I've made so far.
The 1st Fleet most of all."
Tenryuu released her gloved hands as she lowered her gaze, looking thoughtful about their situation as Tatsuta listened attentively to every word she said, since it was possible that she may never get to hear her sister's voice again, one way or another.
Shit, there she went again.
"I've been thinking a lot about our lives, how one of us may live while the other dies, and how I would deal with something which was out of my control. And I think I've come to a conclusion on this. I promise, Tatsuta. If I'm the only one to live through this, I'll strive to live on, no matter what."
Tatsuta then leaned back as Tenryuu leaned in, Tatsuta seeing the determination in Tenryuu's wide, shining eyes which belied the hidden strength and conviction behind her thoughts and beliefs.
"Don't get me wrong, Tatsuta. I would never want to live in a world without you, but we have to be realistic. On the off-chance that, touch wood, you die for real, I want to promise you this before I sit myself down on the operating chair. I will do my best to keep living on, no matter what. I'll mourn you and pay my respects, but I know you, and I know that you wouldn't want me to chain myself to the past and allow yourself to be a burden, right?"
Tatsuta looked down at the floorboards and the ocean beneath them, knowing that Tenryuu had spent enough time with her to know that the last thing she would want to be was a burden to Tenryuu and chain her down, either on the battlefield or in her memories.
She nodded in order to acknowledge Tenryuu's accurate prediction of her wants, allowing her sister to continue her heartfelt monologue.
"I also understand that you must have felt unbearable pain when I sank back in the previous war…"
Tatsuta winced, looking away and becoming deathly silent as she remembered how she felt back in the war when Tenryuu sank, and how it changed her for the worse since she was pretty much sailing through the war without much of a purpose by then, with no sister to protect and rely upon for protection.
It was strange though, how she could feel those emotions back then even when she was a simple vessel of steel and fuel.
But being conceptualized on a blueprint and being given a name, being created by builders before being released into the ocean in order to sail the seven seas and fight like hell before sinking, it was not unlike the life and death of a human, so perhaps it wasn't out of the question that in that state, she might be able to think and feel, albeit at a rudimentary level.
Tenryuu continued,
"And while I can't understand that pain, I want you to know that I want what's best for you."
Tatsuta met Tenryuu gaze, and she could see that knowing her odds of survival really made her sister consider the worth of her life and her relationship with everyone else.
And while Tatsuta understood the possibility of dying, she was glad that this allowed Tenryuu to be honest with her, and she indulged her pessimistic mood one more time to say that even if she were to die, she wouldn't regret it after seeing Tenryuu be so honest with herself and shared her thoughts so freely with Tatsuta.
"I won't tell you what I want you to do, like keep yourself alive and don't kill yourself out of grief, since I have no idea how painful it feels to have a sister ship die on me. So I'll just say that whichever path you choose, I'll respect it nonetheless."
Something within Tatsuta's heart twisted uncomfortably upon seeing Tenryuu give her a sad smile which was quite uncharacteristic of her, and while she wanted Tenryuu to be honest with both Tatsuta and herself, she didn't like seeing Tenryuu be sad or morose.
And while she teased Tenryuu about liking it when she saw her panicked or embarrassed expressions, it never extended to pained or sad expressions where she knew that something was eating at her from the inside, and she knew that it certainly hurt her sister to implicitly say that she would understand if she chose to take her own life after surviving while Tenryuu died, solely out of grief.
Tatsuta looked away, thankful that her hair managed to hide her slightly watering eyes from her sister even though she knew that Tenryuu would've picked up on her developing habit of not meeting other people's gazes, especially her sister's, when she wanted to say something heartfelt.
"Well, you've said your piece. Now it's my turn."
Inhaling, Tatsuta appreciated the sight of the soothing ocean waves and the light breeze hitting them, feeling the slight taste of salt in the air and hearing the rhythmic ebb and flow of the waves which all ship girls were familiar with.
"While I admit that the thought of taking my own life has crossed my mind if I were to survive while you die, I have given it some thought during these past few days. And I think that while it is a possible course of action for someone like me to take, I will say that it will be the last thing I will do. Killing myself simply because I survived while you died would be an insult to your memory, and I also understand that deep down, you really don't want me to kill myself, right?"
Tatsuta met Tenryuu's widened gaze as she stared her down, and eventually, Tenryuu relented as she looked away abashedly with a slight blush on her face, Tatsuta smiling knowingly as she looked away and continued.
"The grief… I admit, it is a powerful force which compels you to do things in the heat of the moment, but I want you to know that, touch wood, if you were to die, I will live on."
Tatsuta stepped in, now turning the tables as she leaned in and lifted her gloved hand to tenderly grasp Tenryuu's cheek, shifting the orientation of her sister's head in order to look her in the eye as she explained herself.
"I've also been considering the worth of my life, and how I wouldn't want to destroy everything which I've built up so far. Hiei, Junyou, Shigure, Ayanami…
The Sendai, Kuma and Nagara-Class cruisers… I don't want to lose them all like I did last time. And like you said, I will remember you in my heart and mourn your loss. But as a soldier, I will march on."
Tatsuta's smile was long gone, her expression tranquil yet focused as she expressed the fact that while she was prepared for the worst, she certainly wasn't giving up hope on the situation.
"Relax. I've already done this before, remember, Tenryuu? Just rinse and repeat."
Tenryuu's face scrunched up into something unreadable upon witnessing Tatsuta's dark sense of humor at work, and Tatsuta's face relaxed and shifted into a wry smile as she continued.
"Don't worry, Tenryuu-chan. I, too, want us to be well and alive at the end of the procedure, but I understand that there's a good chance that anything can happen.
And I will remember you…"
Tatsuta released her hold on Tenryuu's cheek in order to hold both her cheeks, intentionally focusing her eyes on nothing in particular as she channeled her inner Gasai Yuno and whispered in an overzealous manner.
" … in my own special way."
Tenryuu's mood lightened upon seeing Tatsuta return to her usual self, sharing with her how she wanted to be remembered as they indulged in this morbid conversation.
"Well, if you do, please don't worship me by building a shrine and inviting ship girls to worship me at the church of 'Our Venerable Hero, Tenryuu-Sama' or whatever, that's so goddamned cheesy.
I want to make a distinction while I still can between being revered and being worshiped, and I certainly wouldn't want the latter to occur. Being worshiped sounds so boring, where you don't have to work to gain everyone's love and admiration, and they put you up on a pedestal and bow before you everyday, never daring to look you in the face. The former, however…"
Tenryuu looked away, Tatsuta lowering her hands as she gave her sister an aside glance, noting the wistful look in her face as she wondered about what it was like to be revered and how much pain and loss one had to endure in order to reach a point where one was revered by everyone as a hero.
"It's quite the ordeal to be a hero, since you're expected to soldier on and be a shining beacon to everyone, weathering the losses and the pain with nary a sign of cracking.
And even though I can't be that strong right now, I feel that I'm on the right track, taking reasonable risks to become stronger while understanding the need to keep myself alive. After all, you can't help and save anyone if you're dead."
Tatsuta nodded, looking away as she wondered about things, letting her mind wander while she rested her forearms on the wooden railings of the pier as she did so.
"Hmm, but I suppose no matter how revered of a hero you may be, everyone must die one day, yes? And even if your legends live on, without you being present to keep those stories and rumors about you alive, wouldn't they stop being passed down from person to person, effectively allowing your legacy as a hero to end eventually?"
Tenryuu joined her as Tatsuta could see that her sister leaned forward, her elbows resting on the wooden planks which made up the railing as she continued her train of thoughts, adding her opinion to it in order to share her thoughts with Tatsuta.
"Well, you're not wrong there. Even stories can stop being passed down, and will eventually cease to exist. But there's a sort of beauty in that, no?"
Tatsuta gave her sister an aside glance, and saw that Tenryuu met her gaze as she gave a sagely smirk, Tatsuta appreciating her sister's rare displays of insight as she heard Tenryuu speak about how mortality could be seen as something beautiful.
"I personally think that impossibly beautiful we ship girls may be, I can't help but feel that our beauty is much like a plastic flower, something which can never die. And I know that this was a point in the 'debate-for-the-hell-of-it' intellectual debate about whether the ship girls can actually be classified as 'alive' in the conventional sense, if we apparently cannot die as a result of senescence. And if we didn't have a war to fight with the Abyssals, would we have continued living on until the end of time, save for the occasional maintenance of our bodies?"
Tatsuta raised both arms in faux surprise, lightly teasing her sister as she normally did in a tone which conveyed her playfulness and non-aggression, even though she knew that Tenryuu would never take these playful jabs to heart.
"Oh my, Tenryuu-chan. Using complicated words like a proper, elephant lady now, hmm?"
Tenryuu chuckled upon noting a certain nameship's mistake in attempting to use complicated words, looking away with an amused smile on her face.
Watching her sister lower her head, Tenryuu's expression now shifted to look genuinely morose while brooding over this topic, continuing on while Tatsuta respectfully listened to her sister.
"I feel that even though it's natural for us ship girls to feel that living forever isn't something out of the ordinary, but I think it's more apparent when you retire and start a family of your own, since you will likely outlive your spouse and your children, and perhaps even your grandchildren… It feels really sad, when you think about it."
Tatsuta's expression drooped as she considered how her future might turn out, watching her loved ones die a slow and painful death and not being allowed to die with them save for suicide, which was an extremely tasteless way to go after surviving two wars.
Nodding in order to acknowledge Tenryuu's words, her sister noted her nod before she continued with her little monologue.
"I think that death is a love-hate relationship for us ship girls, because even though we die very often in times of war, when we live in peacetime, it's next to impossible for us to die due to our superhuman bodies. It's rather ironic, don't you think?"
Tatsuta lifted an eyebrow, asking with a fair bit of interest.
"Hmm. Well, what do you think best describes death, then?"
"At the risk of reminding you of our country's dumber tactics, I suppose dying's a bit like falling cherry blossom petals."
Tenryuu's expression soured as she rolled her eyes derisively, Tatsuta understanding that being a caring ship girl despite disguising it poorly with her cool and aloof facade, Tenryuu was extremely disapproving of how their government convinced their doomed pilots and soldiers to sacrifice their lives wantonly and recklessly under the pretense of "pretentious, pseudo-philosophical bullshit" of "honor in death".
Even though Tatsuta could still see Tenryuu's bitterness regarding their past and the asinine tactics their past commanders encouraged to in order to maintain their warped version of "honor", her expression still softened enough to allow her to focus on the present.
"Personally, I believe there's no honor in dying by your own hand for whatever reason, and for the life of me, I simply can't understand why I should kill myself over a mistake, for reasons like 'honor' and pride and the like. I mean, the one way you can recover from that shame is to fight twice as hard in order to make things right, so why should I kill myself and leave this world as a disgraced warrior without being given a chance to restore my lost honor?"
Tenryuu sighed, and Tatsuta could see that this was a sore point for Tenryuu, and despite knowing that her sister's headstrong and "never-say-die" attitude was going to come into conflict with their culture's themes of self-sacrifice and choosing death in order to restore lost honor, to think that she would go on a small rant on it…
It was a side to her sister which she had never seen before, and it helped her learn more about Tenryuu and understand that she wasn't going to commit seppuku anytime soon.
"Well, that aside, I understand that the greatest death, at least for a human, should come at the end of a long life, to die with dignity after fulfilling all your duties like raising your children well, experiencing love and loss, amongst others. I mean, at that point, it's sad, but I suppose you can see it as a perfect time to die, much like a cherry blossom tree which blossoms and falls like clockwork every year, having lived its entire cycle without interruptions, and at that point, there's nothing more which you can ask for. Any earlier than that, it's a pity because you haven't accomplished everything you sought to do, and any later, it just becomes a stretched out goodbye which makes it painful for all parties involved. You understand me?"
Tatsuta nodded as she considered the question, and understood that Tenryuu wanted to do right by everyone and leave this world on her own terms (without resorting to suicide), but for them, it wasn't easy to do so since their steel bodies aged far more slowly than a human's, so it was understandable that Tenryuu would dislike this aspect about themselves since they would outlive several generations of their descendants.
To watch them all wither away while you lived on…
She wasn't sure if she wanted to romance a human if she knew that she would eventually attend the funerals of her husband, children and grandchildren while looking pretty much the same as she did right now a century later.
Tenryuu saw that Tatsuta was pondering Tenryuu's words, and she tried to improve her sister's mood as she slowly spun around in order to lean back on the wooden beam which doubled as a railing, shooting Tatsuta a wry grin as she consoled.
"Well, don't worry, Tatsuta.nI don't have a death wish, and I certainly don't want to find a 'meaningful death' on the battlefield or whatever. In my opinion, whoever lives at the end of a battle's the true winner.
I just wanted to express my opinion of death upon feeling the deadline inching closer. And because I know that death is a possibility, I want to be closer to you and share my thoughts with you, even though I know that you may think distancing yourself from others is going to soften the impact of your loss in any way."
Tatsuta lifted an eyebrow in order to concede the point, once believing that if not a lot of people knew her personally, it wouldn't matter much to them if she were to leave them abruptly.
But even though she saw the practicality of such a move and wanted to convince herself that this was the right thing to do for everyone's sake, for some reason, she couldn't bring herself to carry it out for real and heartlessly pushed everyone away, isolating herself in the process.
Was this normal for her?
Or was she developing in an unusual way unlike other Tatsuta clones in other naval bases, where she was slowly defrosting and couldn't bring herself to do the things her other clones would. simply because she wasn't becoming… depraved?
Was that the right word to describe what she could become?
She wasn't sure what to think concerning this line of thought, but her attention was drawn back to Tenryuu as she continued her little speech.
"Well, it's heartening to see that you don't actually intend to do that.
I know you, and while I accept the fact that you can be a bit cold and impersonal at times, I feel relieved to find that you're opening up to everyone else."
Tatsuta then met Tenryuu's gaze, and she could see the determination in Tenryuu's eyes as she was silenced by her sister's next words.
"That's why, Tatsuta. Even though I understand that death is a possibility in this upcoming project, I don't want to die just yet, because I want to be with you all the way. I can't guarantee or promise anything concerning the outcome of this procedure, but there is one thing I can promise. Whatever happens, I will never stop doing my best to survive, so that I can wake up and see you again. That's why if you're to wake up first, please be the first thing I see when I open my eyes. Please."
Tatsuta gulped upon hearing Tenryuu's words, not just because those words were from her heart and thus carried power and conviction behind them, but also because Tenryuu was pretty much making it clear that she wanted to survive in order to see her.
Her.
Oh sure, Tatsuta knew that Tenryuu wanted to see everyone again, but being her sister likely made her the most important thing in Tenryuu's world, which was why Tenryuu wanted Tatsuta to be the first thing she saw upon waking up.
Tatsuta was unsure of how to respond to that heartfelt expression of sisterly love, so she responded the only way she knew how.
She leaned in to touch foreheads with Tenryuu and caused their sizable chests to press against each other in the process, her sister's cheeks coloring a little while her determined expression gave way to an embarrassed one as she stuttered.
"W-What're you doing, Tatsuta?"
And Tatsuta's cheeks stretched in a wry smile as she looked right into her sister's yellow pupils and teased.
"Well, you were thinking so hard about these morbid and complicated topics, and I was getting worried if your computerized mind might overheat from the stress of pushing your mind to the limit, so I had to check if you were overclocking…"
Tenryuu snorted as she broke out in a smile which Tatsuta would cherish forever, the nameship of the Tenryuu-Class cruisers gently pushing her forehead away with a gloved finger as she responded in kind.
"Well, I also need to check if your cool and distant heart is warming up in light of recent events, for your own sake.nItadakimasu!"
As she glomped Tatsuta and shoved her face into a slightly surprised Tatsuta's cleavage, before muttering as her breath tickled Tatsuta's skin through her uniform.
"Warm… and hella soft…"
Tatsuta couldn't hold back her laughter anymore as she stroked Tenryuu's hair, laughing gently at her sister's antics and realizing that working at Mamiya's canteen helped to break down the facade of false smiles and the distant attitude simply because she had to work constantly while interacting with others, leaving no time for such things.
Interacting with her teammates and the ship girls of this base exposed her to new and interesting personalities and allowed her little time to be alone with her dark thoughts, which actually helped her to open up to others instead of pushing them away, and Tenryuu being there every step of the way definitely helped anchor her psyche.
She knew that the smile on her own face was a genuine one, free of all pretense as she thought about what was to come.
Certainly, she understood that the numbers didn't lie, but that didn't mean that she was going to simply roll over and die in the upcoming one-of-a-kind procedure.
And even if I die, Tatsuta thought wryly as Tenryuu gave her the cutest and most innocent of gazes upon coming up for air and looking her dead in the eye in the process, her head still slightly squashed between Tatsuta's breasts.
I won't have too many regrets. I accept either outcome.