Chapter 36: The Scantron Skirmish and the R-Rated Roast
[Midnight POV]
I've stared down S-Rank villains without breaking a sweat. I've navigated the treacherous waters of hero PR for years. But looking at the seating chart for Exam Room 7-B, I felt a migraine forming behind my eyes that no amount of painkillers could touch.
Principal Nezu had personally handed me a single, heavy envelope this morning. His paws had been shaking—not with fear, but with that terrifying, glinting excitement he gets right before a natural disaster occurs.
"Nemuri," he'd chirped, "you'll be proctoring the 'Special Interest' candidate. Here is his exam paper. Do try to keep your sanity. It's a limited resource."
I opened the envelope now, looking at the test for one Sunny Midoriya. I nearly dropped my whip. The paper wasn't just paper; it was vibrating. The questions weren't written in ink—they were floating half an inch off the page in neon Comic Sans.
Question 1: If a train leaves Tokyo at 60mph and gravity is currently on strike, how many oranges does it take to turn the conductor into a jazz musician?
I slammed the folder shut. My head throbbed. "Nezu, you sadistic mouse," I whispered.
I walked into the room, my heels clicking authoritatively. The air in the room was... thick. To my left sat a blue-haired girl—Aqua—who was currently trying to hide a "Divine Calculator" the size of a toaster under her desk. It was glowing. It was literally singing a hymn.
"Candidate 2001, no outside tools," I snapped.
"It's not a tool! it's a religious icon!" Aqua wailed, her eyes already welling up with those giant, pathetic tears. "I need it! I don't know what a 'fraction' is! Is it a type of demon?!"
I ignored her and turned my gaze to the center of the room. Sunny Midoriya.
He was leaning back in his chair—which was currently balanced on a single, trembling molecule. He was wearing his signature white gloves, and his head was tilted back, a tiny, physical 'Z' floating out of his mouth and popping against the ceiling. He had written exactly three words on his vibrating exam paper and then apparently decided that reality was too boring to stay awake for.
I marched over, my temper flaring. I'm the R-Rated Hero. I demand respect. I demand attention.
"Midoriya!" I barked, slamming my hand on his desk. [WHAM!]
Sunny's head didn't just snap up; it rotated 360 degrees like an owl before clicking into place. He blinked, his eyes turning into two literal alarm clocks that went [BEEP-BEEP-BEEP] before shrinking back to normal.
"Whoa, easy there, sweetheart!" he chirped, his voice dropping into that smooth, Brooklyn-wiseguy drawl. "You almost knocked the ink out of my sub-plots. Do you always wake up people with that much 'Aggressive Protagonist' energy, or did I miss the cue for the mid-season fight scene?"
"You have forty minutes left and you've answered nothing!" I hissed, leaning down so my face was inches from his. "This is UA! People die to get into these seats!"
Sunny didn't look intimidated. He leaned back, his gloved hand coming up to tap his chin. He looked me up and down with a grin that made my face feel unaccountably warm.
"Listen here, doll," he said, winking—a literal yellow star popped out of his eye and pinged off my mask. "You're doin' a great job with the whole 'Domineering Educator' bit. Really, it's a ten-out-of-ten performance. But you might want to check the script. I don't do 'written' exams. I do 'improv.'"
"You—you arrogant little—"
"Careful, Nemuri-chan," he chuckled, leaning in close. I could smell the faint scent of... ink and toasted marshmallows? "Your face gets all scrunchy when you're mad. It's actually pretty cute. If you keep that up, the editors are gonna start shipping us, and I don't think your heart-rate can handle the fan-art."
I froze. My brain short-circuited. Cute? He called me cute? Nobody calls Midnight 'cute' and lives to tell the tale, yet I found myself stumbling over my words, a flush creeping up my neck that had nothing to do with my Quirk.
"I—you—take this seriously!" I managed to stammer.
Sunny stood up, his body snapping into a tall, lanky shape. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a folded slip of paper. He pressed it into my hand, his gloved fingers lingering just a second too long.
"Here ya go, Teach. My final answer," he whispered.
I felt a jolt of electricity. Is this... his number? My heart did a traitorous little flip. In the middle of an exam? The nerve! The absolute—
I looked down. It wasn't a phone number.
It was his exam paper. It was completely filled out, every answer perfect, written in golden ink that smelled like success.
I looked up to scold him, but the seat was empty. The window was open, and in the distance, I could hear the faint sound of a slide-whistle fading into the clouds.
I stood there, speechless, clutching the paper to my chest while my face burned a shade of red that would have made Mina Ashido jealous.
[Sunny Midoriya POV]
Thirty minutes later, the bells rang, signaling the end of the academic torture session. I was leaning against a vending machine in the hallway, tossing a chocolate coin into the air, when the rest of the Chaos Crew started filtering out.
It was like a slow-motion car crash in Technicolor.
"I AM A FAILURE!" Aqua wailed, stumbling out first and collapsing into a puddle of blue misery. "The paper asked me about the 'Gross Domestic Product' and I thought it was a comment on my hair! I wrote a three-page formal complaint to the Ministry of Education!"
"Shut up, you useless puddle!" Bakugo roared, stomping out with smoke literally venting from his ears. "I blew up my Scantron because the bubbles weren't symmetrical! I had to demand a second one from the vibrating hags in the front row!"
"Izu-chan, how'd it go?" I asked, looking at my brother.
Izuku looked like he'd been through a centrifuge. His hair was even messier than usual, and he was muttering so fast he was creating a localized vacuum. "The physics questions... they didn't account for your 'Toon Force' variables, Sunny. I spent twenty minutes trying to derive a formula for 'Anvil Velocity' before I realized it wasn't a trick question..."
"It's alright, Izu-chan," I grinned, patting his head. [SQUEAK-SQUEAK]. "The world is 'Beige' for a reason. They like their math boring."
"I thought it was fun!" Himiko chirped, skipping over and clinging to my arm. Her eyes were sparkling with that 'Sparkly-Dark' energy. "I used my red pen to draw little hearts over all the 'C' answers. C stands for 'Cut,' right Sunny-kun?"
"Close enough, kid," I laughed.
Jirou and Kaminari walked up, looking relatively sane—which is to say, they only looked mildly traumatized.
"Kaminari tried to use his Quirk to 'brain-scan' the kid next to him," Jirou muttered, poking her ear-jack into Denki's ribs. "He shorted out his own desk and spent the last ten minutes smelling like burnt toast."
"I saw the light, Jirou! It was beautiful!" Kaminari grinned, his eyes slightly crossed.
"The darkness of the auditorium awaits," Tokoyami rumbled, Dark Shadow nodding solemnly from his collar. "The written word is but a cage for the soul."
Suddenly, the PA system crackled to life with a loud [FEEDBACK SCREECH].
*"ATTENTION CANDIDATES! SUPPORT COURSE APPLICANTS, PLEASE PROCEED TO SECTOR FOUR! HERO COURSE APPLICANTS, TO THE MAIN AUDITORIUM!"*
Mei Hatsume let out a cackle that sounded like a bag of wrenches falling down a flight of stairs. "That's my cue, boys! I've got 'babies' to birth and a Support Lab to accidentally demolish! See ya on the other side of the explosion!" She zoomed off on a pair of jet-boots that were already leaking purple smoke.
"Alright, crew," I said, snapping my gloves. "Time for the main event. Let's go see what the 'Loudest Man in Showbiz' has to say."
We filed into the auditorium. It was huge, dark, and smelled like nervous teenagers and expensive air conditioning. Present Mic took the stage under a spotlight so bright it probably could be seen from Mars.
"YEAAAAAAH! WELCOME TO THE LIVE PERFORMANCE!" he screamed, his voice literal physical waves hitting the crowd.
"Ugh," Mina whispered, slumped in her seat next to me. "This is so... beige. He's just explaining the robots. We've seen the trailers, we know the mechanics. Where's the spice? Where's the chaos?"
"It's like watching a tutorial for a game you've already beaten," Himiko complained, pouting. "Sunny-kun, do something. The 'Directing' in this scene is terrible."
"Say no more, girls," I grinned. I reached into the air, grabbed the 'Volume' slider that was hovering invisibly next to Present Mic's head, and yanked it all the way to the right.
Then, I pulled out a giant, red 'REMIX' button and slammed it.
The background music for the presentation shifted from 'Boring Instructional' to 'High-Speed Electro-Swing.' The holographic displays of the 0-Pointer robots didn't just show stats—they started doing the Macarena.
"YEAH! THAT'S THE SPIRIT!" Present Mic yelled, his hair standing up even higher as he accidentally got caught in the rhythm. "WE HAVE THREE TYPES OF VILLAINS! AND ONE THAT'S JUST... CURRENTLY WEARING A TUTU? WAIT, WHO EDITED MY SLIDES?!"
The auditorium erupted. Half the students were laughing, the other half were terrified, and Bakugo was trying to jump over the seats to murder the holograms. I leaned back, my feet on the seat in front of me, enjoying the show.
Present Mic eventually regained control (mostly by shouting 'SILENCE!' until the windows rattled), and the Battle Center assignments were flashed on the screen.
I scanned the list.
"Center A: Bakugo, Tokoyami."
"Center B: Izuku, Iida, Uraraka."
"Center C: Jirou, Kaminari, Aqua (God help them)."
"Center D: Sunny, Mina."
"Center E: Himiko."
I looked at Mina. She looked at me. Her horns were vibrating with excitement, and she punched her palm with an acidic hiss.
"Looks like it's just you and me, Gag-Boy," she grinned. "Hope you brought your dancing shoes, because I'm not letting you take all the screen-time!"
"Mina-chan," I chirped, my eyes turning into two spinning camera lenses. "In this Center... there are no 'Extras.' Only 'Co-Stars.' Let's show 'em how the Class of Calamity does a 'Serious' exam."
I snapped my fingers, and the auditorium lights flickered out with a loud [POP].