I opened my eyes and saw an uneven environment. It seemed vast, yet at the same time, as cramped as the room where I had been just seconds before.
The place was so strange that I couldn't register any sensation. I felt no cold. No heat. I couldn't tell if there was a breeze, or even if there was a floor beneath my feet. But when I looked into the distance, I could see earth and water forming mud, and also… stones? How could I describe such a place? An non-existent environment, as if it were precisely nothing. It is strange to try and comprehend it. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't reach a conclusion. So… what was I doing here?
This had nothing to do with the ethereal plane I was in when I committed suicide. This felt unique. I had the feeling it was made for me… or by me. The only sensation I had was one of peace, of completeness, as if I belonged there. It was the same feeling as when the shadow enveloped me in its almost "maternal" embrace—an embrace that completed my being, bringing peace and harmony.
I kept looking in every direction, trying to understand where I was. The setting wasn't bright, but it wasn't dark either… it was like a perpetual twilight.
— "What's the point of just standing here?" I said as I began to walk.
The further I walked, the more it felt like I wasn't moving at all. Yet, at the same time, it was as if I had traveled miles. During the walk, looking to the sides, I could see some outlines of shadows… but what exactly were those shadows? Were they projections of my mind? Perhaps… were they beings watching me?
Shrugging, I continued walking into the nothingness, since no matter how much I moved, I arrived nowhere.
— "What kind of shithole is this?! Where the hell am I?!" I shouted, looking up at the starless sky. It felt like hours had passed, but the twilight clarity never shifted for a moment.
I kept walking, making non-existent turns. The terrain was totally flat. At times, I walked on earth; at others, on water.
— "Have I become Yeshua?" I said, letting out a laugh while walking on the water. Of course, I know it has nothing to do with it, but it's hilarious to be able to walk on water like the Christian messiah. Just to be clear: I have nothing against any religion—or the lack thereof. I believe everyone has the right to be whatever they want, as long as they aren't hurting anyone… It's even hypocritical of me to say that, since I was part of a government where we harmed certain ethnicities and creeds… I was always against it, but anyway, there's no use dwelling on a past life.
Emerging from my daydreams, I looked at the sky and noticed a change. I could hear the sound of droplets falling on the water where I stood, though I hadn't heard anything until then… But there was something that truly caught my attention. Looking up, what I had been thinking about seconds ago appeared, revealing all its crimson splendor. In the center of what was, to me, the sky, there was something like a moon. And why was it crimson, just like the sun?
— "How could I not see that moon until now?" I murmured, walking toward it.
— "[Because the master did not wish to see it,]" replied a cold voice that, somehow, seemed friendly toward me.
I didn't want to see it? What did that mean?
— "Who spoke?" I demanded, louder than I intended. "Where are you and who are you?! Show yourself!"
I tried to stay calm, but if there was one thing I couldn't manage at that moment, it was calm. Think about it: I was in an unknown place and hadn't seen or heard a single voice until now. It was only after I noticed that crimson moon that a voice emerged from nowhere. I think anyone would be apprehensive. I spun three hundred and sixty degrees trying to find the source of the voice… and found nothing.
— "[Look down, master,]" the voice said. It remained calm, but now it seemed to show a certain understanding, as if it comprehended my apprehension and my ignorance.
I looked down and noticed something strange…
— "Why do I have two shadows?"
— "[You only have one shadow, master. The other shadow is me,]" it replied, moving slightly away from me. As it moved away, it continued: — "[I am a servant who serves you, master.]"
— "Serves me? Since when do I have anyone serving me?" I questioned, while weighing my options. Not that I had many options, since I didn't even know where I was… but, as I learned while I was still in the SS, it's always good to prepare for what might or might not happen and think of ways to use it to your advantage to escape danger.
The shadow that had moved away from me began to take a human shape… or something close to it. At the very least, it was gaining some form. Looking at it now, I noticed it had no eyes, mouth, nose… nothing that gave it any human identity. It looked like a shadow lying on the ground, or a projection reflected on a wall.
— "Why don't you have eyes, a mouth, a nose, or ears?" I asked, walking around it. I needed to show that I wasn't afraid. And to be honest, that was the truth. Looking at that shadow, I felt comfort—and a strange sensation, as if I were almost complete.
— "[Because I am still in formation, master,]" it replied, "[and, of course, I do not yet have a name.]"
Doesn't have a name? How does it serve me and not have a name? I was about to ask why it was calling me master and how I became its master, but, as if it were reading my mind, it answered:
— "[Perhaps the master does not remember, but I became a servant when you performed a ritual.]"
— "A ritual? I reincarnated here how many days ago? Three or four days? How did I perform any 'ritual' for you to become my servant?" I questioned, overcome with doubt.
— "[It was not here, master. It was when you were Conrad,]" it said.
Conrad… speaking of my past life, only now did I realize I still had the same appearance as when I was alive. Not that I'm dead now, since I've reincarnated into this new body, but you understand what I mean.
I looked at the shadow, which had knelt: the right knee touched the ground, the left was bent. Both arms were crossed over the left knee, and its head remained bowed. As I stared at it, I remembered one of the rituals I performed in the Ahnenerbe. It was a ritual of pact-making with a Germanic deity—to be more precise, it leaned more toward the Norse gods than the Germanic ones. But since the Lodge Master wanted to describe it as a Germanic entity, we accepted it willingly.
I remember that every member of the 5th degree would make such a pact. I had been elevated recently—not even two months prior—but I was recommended to participate regardless. Well, as I was already a Master Mason and held several philosophical degrees, I received that recommendation.
In the center of the temple, there were several white, red, and grey candles. Each had a representation. I won't talk much about them, as we would spend hours discussing the meaning of each one in that ritual. Drawn in the center was a hexagram with runic, Norse, and hermetic symbols. There were seven of us performing the ritual. Since I was the youngest, I was left for last. In a way, that actually pleased me, as I gained more confidence by observing the others and learned the rhythm to avoid making any mistakes.
I wore a white tunic with an inverted pentagram on the left chest. In the center of the tunic were some Norse magic runes representing protection, faith, strength, and domination.
I watched each one perform their pact until it was my turn. I walked to the center of the hexagram and began the evocation of the deity with whom I would make the pact. I had chosen Odin, but during the evocation, I noticed something different. The energy circulating was colder, darker. I don't mean it was evil, but it was as if I felt my body being covered by an icy shadow.
I began to panic because the evocation was going wrong… but when I thought about stopping, I heard the whisper of a name: Höðr.
The ritual continued for a few more moments until the master decided to interrupt, saying my pact had not "worked," because no name appeared on the parchment beneath the altar. After that, I thought everything had failed. But now, seeing the shadow say it has been with me since that day, it means the pact worked.
I looked at the kneeling shadow before me, and a smile of satisfaction spread across my face. See, you sons of bitches? My pact worked! — I thought, holding back the sarcastic grin that was starting to form.
— "So you are the god Höðr, god of shadows and darkness?" I asked, anxious for it to say yes. Can you imagine having a deity serving you? I believe all of us would like to have a god who did everything we asked. I, for example, could ask to see my wife… or my children. Maybe… even go back in time and manage to save them.
But its answer was like a bucket of cold water.
— "[No, master. I am not such a deity. Forgive me for disappointing you, master!]"
Sad… but what can you do? Not everything goes the way we want. Shrugging, I spoke again:
— "It's fine, don't worry, shadow. But then, how did I become bound to you? Do you at least serve Höðr?"
— "[No, master. I serve you,]" it paused and spoke again; its voice remained calm. "[I was an entity wandering the ethereal field where you were after death, and it was there that we formed the pact, when a Grim Reaper pierced your chest.]"
Grim Reaper? So that's what pierced my chest while I was floating on the water? But wait… if the pact was only made then, why did it say it came from my past life?
— "You said we formed the pact in the ethereal field, but before that, you said you've been with me since the ritual I did on Earth…" I stopped to think, casting a glare at the shadow, and spoke again, now with an interrogatory tone: "Are you trying to lie to me?"
— "[No, master. I am not lying to you. I truly have been with you since that ritual, but the pact was only sealed in the ethereal field.]"
— "Then explain it to me, because I don't understand a thing!" I said, my voice rising, overtaken by anger. I don't like being played for a fool, and this was stressing me out.
— "[When you tried to make the pact, the god Höðr placed himself before the master. It was he who pacted with you, but since he cannot intervene directly in the earthly planes, he sent me as a messenger.]"
— "So it was you who answered my requests?"
— "[Yes, master. It was me.]"
— "So do you still serve him?"
— "[No, master. Now I only serve you.]"
I stood in silence for a few seconds, analyzing every word for any hint of a lie… but I found nothing. To be honest, I could feel its feelings: whether it was lying, if it was afraid, or even if it thought of betraying me. So I easily concluded it wasn't lying.
— "But was it at his request?" I asked, my voice calmer and less accusatory.
— "[No, master. It was of my own accord,]" the shadow paused and spoke again. "[Since I began observing you in your rituals and in your own work, I grew fond of you. When the master took his own life, I followed your soul to the River Lethe, for I wished to know where you would go.]"
Ah… so I was in the River Lethe. Now I understand. That is the river of reincarnation, so it makes total sense… But wait. Something is wrong.
— "So it was you who wrapped yourself around me when I was adrift in the river?"
— "[Yes, it was me!]"
Then… if it was it, that answers my question.
— "Is that why I didn't lose my memories of the reincarnation?"
— "[Exactly, master! When I covered you with my own life energy, I surrendered almost all of my memory from before I met you and, of course, I lost my name in the process. That is why I have no name and no perfect form,]" it replied, without a trace of negativity in its voice. It even sounded proud of what it had done…
Right… now I have an understanding of who it is and why I still have my memories—something that isn't supposed to happen when one reincarnates. In Spiritism, Buddhism, and even Hinduism, you don't keep memories of a past life. I thought having these memories was a "Matrix" error, so I always found it strange… and now I know why.
— "Now I understand. Thank you for the answer, Shadow…" I thanked it for the information.
— "[It is an honor to be able to answer your questions, master! Use me as you wish!]" it replied, all enthusiastic.
I stood looking at it, my mind racing. I thought of so many things… the possibility of my family having reincarnated; if it were here, it would be even better, but perhaps that's asking too much. If I manage to grow up, I'll try to seek answers about that, but now isn't the time. I still need to grow, to try to get strong to protect this new family I have and try not to make the same mistakes of the past… I don't think I can blindly trust everyone.
The shadow was there, still, not moving. It almost looked like a knight at my service. Well, it served me regardless… but, like every knight, it should have a name. Remembering the start of the conversation, when it said it didn't have a name yet, I believed that, besides helping me, it would also help its body begin to form correctly. And perhaps, it would become stronger because of it.
Placing my right hand on my chin with a pensive look, I asked:
— "If I give you a name, will you become stronger?"
— "[Yes, master! Names are symbols of power, both for us—entities, deities, spirits, gods—and for humans.]"
— "Right, I see."
What should I call it? If the name can give power, then that means, depending on the name I give it, it could have more power… or less? That's interesting to think about… It is a shadow. And it was the first one I had…
— "By the way, can I have more servants as time goes on?"
— "[Yes! You can! But that will depend on how strong you become and on having enough life force to feed such beings.]"
— "So you feed on my life force?"
— "[Correct, master. But since you don't have much life force yet, I feed on animals… and even on other humans.]"
Ah… now everything makes sense. So that's why I tasted blood when we were traveling. Since I didn't see it feeding on humans, it must have been animals. While I thought about what it had said, the shadow asked:
— "[Does the master not want me to feed on humans? If you do not wish it, I apologize for everything I have done so far, and you may punish me whenever you like!]"
If I don't want it…? I don't know what to think about that. To tell the truth, I don't feel anything against it feeding on humans, but I think letting it do so unrestrained wouldn't be a good thing…
— "I don't mind, but only do so when I give you permission, understood? Oh, and of course: if it's someone trying to harm me or my family, you have total freedom to do as you wish. But try to feed on animal energy," I added.
Before the shadow could respond, I continued:
— "Well, since you've already answered me about names, I've been thinking… Since you are my first shadow, I believe you should have a name worthy of it. Therefore, I have decided to call you: Ur-Schatten." I took a short pause and explained the meaning. "Your name is 'Primordial Shadow'."
I watched to see if anything changed, now that I had given it a name, but so far, nothing. Did I do something wrong? No… do names from Earth have no value here?
— "[The master must shed a drop of blood upon me, master. Thus, the naming ritual will be complete.]"
Makes sense. Blood is life, so I would be giving it life. I walked toward it, already biting my finger. As I approached, I placed it over the "head" of the shadow. A drop dripped onto it, and then I spoke:
— "From this day forth, your name shall be: Ur-Schatten, the Primordial Shadow!"
When I finalized the small naming ritual, the shadow stood up. Until then, the environment, which had been silent, began to crumble. Winds swept past me in every direction, pushing me from side to side. Around Ur-Schatten, a black mist—resembling fire—began to swirl. It was completely enveloped by black flames, and this fire spread to me. When it touched me, I let out a cry… but I didn't feel it burn. It was more as if it were binding us even closer.
After about a minute, the fire around us began to vanish, and Ur-Schatten appeared before me. Its face had finally taken shape. It lifted its gaze: its eyes were completely golden, and the pupils resembled those of a cat, fixed on me. The nose was small and slightly upturned. The ears seemed a bit pointed, but nothing like the exaggerated characteristic of an elf as we see in some works or games.
It was still a shadow… but now it had a human form. I believe that the stronger I get, the more it will have a human shape. I looked at it and noticed a smile. I saw it had several pointed teeth. I imagine that was how it ate meat… But how did it do that before, if it didn't even have a mouth? Shrugging, I left that question for later.
— "First of all, congratulations on the name and your minor transformation," I said, approaching and touching it. "Let me ask you one thing first: do you have a gender?"
— "[No, master. I do not have a defined gender. I can be man or woman,]" it replied honestly.
— "Right. That's not important. Do you like your name?"
— "[Yes, master! It is an honor to be named by you,]" it said, kneeling once more.
I nodded in agreement. Not that I needed to agree with anything… but anyway… I was going to ask a few more questions, but before I could, I felt my consciousness being pulled out of that environment.
— "[It is time to return, master. When you return here, everything will be a little different. I will build an altar and a throne for you!]" it said, as I saw my eyes closing and my consciousness fading.
— "I had so much… to… ask you… but I'll leave that… for… later… see you later, Ur…"
When I finished speaking, I felt a violent tug, as if I were being dragged somewhere—or rather, back to "reality."
It was then that I opened my eyes… and we were no longer in the room. We were running through the middle of the forest.