After getting the results from the hospital, me and my mom went back to my home. As i was about to open my door, my mom spoke:
"I heard you've been acting weird towards your friends lately," she said, her voice filled with disappointment.
I froze when i heard it, I wanna disagree, but again, no words came out from my mouth, I feel suffocated.
"Don't be like that, Spinelia. They're your only friends, treat them nicely. I know you grieve differently, but it isn't right acting like that. Fix yourself, you're not a kid anymore, you're already 23 years old." She continued, I couldn't look at her,
"I'll get going now, don't skip meals and your medicine too. I love you okay?" she hugs me as her warmth slowly fades,
I felt stuck, I wanna look at her and say "Alright, safe travels, mom. I love you." But i couldn't, I feel like something corrosive was burried into my throat. I look back and saw her figure slowly fading, tears fell as i watches her leave.
I opened my door, I stand still on the entrance as the door closes.
I feel stuck, my knees were weakening, i couldn't breathe properly, my heart racing rapidly.
"Am I dying?" a thought popped up
"Why am I such a disappointment?" another thought popped up,
My mind races as fast as the thoughts pop up in my mind:
"I shouldn't feel something like this,"
"I'm not sick enough for me to think like this."
"Am I the wrong one?"
"Am I actually mean? Why is everyone against me? did I do something to deserve this?"
I sat down to the floor and started crying, I'm
submerging into a deep ocean of dejections— I didn't know.
After minutes of crying, I gained some strength to go to my bed. I lay down, not bother changing my clothes. I saw my phone.
I opened it, and saw multiple chats:
"You're grandma died, yet you don't seem to care? you're more upset that Tranz is talking to me more than that you're grandma died? Are you insane?"
A chat from Malina, same day when me and Tranz argued.
"Grandma.. died..? what..?" I mumbled, tears rolling down my face again.
"This is all my fault, I shouldn't have been selfish, I deserve to die instead of my grandmother.. I hate this.." I thought as I crumbled completely, I don't know what to do nor what to think.
My phone buzzed up again, it's from the doctor,
"Got you an appointment, Tomorrow, 2pm in the hospital, I'll guide you where to go and what floor. Chat me when you're here."
I stare at the chat, feeling of no hope, I don't know if i deserve to be going there.
"My mom must've suffered a lot… I disappointed her again…" I mumbled as i cry uncontrollably.
I weeped until I fell asleep. The next day, I woke up feeling empty and numb. My
phone buzzed again,
"Reminding you about the appointment." A message from the doctor.
I replied "ok",
My eyes still puffy from crying, I didn't have the energy to eat and take a bath. I also didn't want to scroll through my phone, I stared at the ceiling, feeling the pain all over again.
I was lost in thought, I didn't realize how much time passed by. I checked the time again, it was almost 12:50pm.
I sat down and changed my clothes, I wore whatever there is. And went out to go back to the hospital.